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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:

ChampagneLassie · 14/10/2023 06:10

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:06

So you have a certain opinion on how close you should be to someone to invite them to a wedding which is slightly different to mine.

Does that have anything to do with OP?

Show quote history

im same till I had DC myself I had very little intrest in friends DC and certainly didn’t remember their names! Generally I’d not met them or maybe met them once whereas socialised with friends without their kids

Hitherehi · 14/10/2023 06:12

YANBU to ask if you can take a babe in arms to a wedding, especially when the baby is EBF. It would be different if you wanted to bring a toddler or older child.

I wouldn't bother going to the wedding as it's only the party in the evening. I wouldn't bother with the hen do either or spending money on the bride because she is bitching about you behind your back instead of just replying to you.

Subforsupper · 14/10/2023 06:16

Why do people get so stressed out about weddings? It’s just a baby, I’m sure they’ll be fine! The last baby we took to a wedding slept the whole way through. Maybe you could bring the baby and leave with a mum/dad or you or your partner in a hotel close by? Or could try and tell your friend to get over herself!

Twillow · 14/10/2023 06:19

I personally loathe the no children policy that is popular now, but it's her right to choose. It was obvious from the invitation what she meant so you were wrong to put her in the position of having to refuse your request.

Basilton · 14/10/2023 06:20

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:09

I don't see anything 'esoteric' about thinking that an adults only wedding should state explicitly on the invitation that it is adults only.

I have never been to an adults only wedding that didn't spell it out on the invitation. That is how you avoid situations like this.

Show quote history

Why would anybody state who is not invited on an invitation. Utterly bizarre.

Subforsupper · 14/10/2023 06:28

People get so stressed about weddings!
what do you mean right to chose? It’s a baby? The baby can’t choose anything? Other than when it wants feeding and even that is unlikely to be a choice.
as soon as you put the word wedding in front of something they just go bonkers:
‘wedding car’ - it’s just a car! Why does it cost so much?
’wedding favours’ - if it were a different setting they would be called party bags and get handed out at the door on the way home
’wedding breakfast’ - this is just breakfast! For Christ sake, what does the word wedding and an extra £50 per head add to my eggs benadict?

telestrations · 14/10/2023 06:35

Your friend is unreasonable

Evening only - check
Child free - check
Expensive hen/stag - check
Not replying to RSVP queries - check
Sending 'unhappy' messages via third parties - check
Expecting a breast feeding mother to attend a child free evening only wedding and hotel hen do to boot - check

Padz · 14/10/2023 06:36

I find it odd that’s she’s your oldest friend yet she hasn’t replied to you but moaned to others and you haven’t asked her about it!
Give her a call and clear the air!

Mumof2teens79 · 14/10/2023 06:36

No YANBU
You have realised children aren't invited but really child free weddings (while not my taste) are sboit not hav9young kids running around, and not having to feed or seat them....so it's perfectly reasonable to ask if a 4mo can come (or just bring them!)
And to not respond either way is rude

greenhydrangea · 14/10/2023 06:37

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

If you can do this for the hen do, why can't you do something like this for the wedding?

Even if you didn't mean to manipulate her, your request sounds manipulative, like your pulling her arm and saying pretty please.

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

Clearly they are not. Geez, you didn't even read the OP.

MarvellousMonsters · 14/10/2023 06:51

Your friend should've just assumed you'd be bringing your baby. It's a testament to how normalised bottle feeding is that people assume you'll leave a 4 month old baby, to drive an hour to a wedding evening do. This is one of the insidious ways we don't support breastfeeding. She's one of your oldest friends, but she's only invited you to the evening and not the whole day? I'd be rethinking if I could be bothered to go to the hen do as well.

AmandasFleckerl · 14/10/2023 06:55

Why didn’t you call your friend or speak with her next week at the hen do? There’s no context in a message and so the tone of it is open to interpretation. You need to talk with your friend and start by acknowledging that your message was not the right thing to do and that you should have called in the first place.
Personally as someone who had a child free wedding a child running around at the evening would annoy me but a baby wouldn’t bother me at all.

user1492757084 · 14/10/2023 06:58

She's your best friend. If you want to go you need to arrange similar care for the baby as you have done for the hens do.
Can you not hire a baby sitter to your motel room for three hours? Have them phone when the baby needs feeding.

ittakes2 · 14/10/2023 07:03

"...more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him..."
If you are doing this for the hen's night I expect she is expecting you to do this for the wedding.
If you are on mumsnet you would know that this is something that comes up regularly - your friend knows you have a baby - she has chosen not to invite the baby and you have now made it awkward.
She might be your oldest friend but I suspect you are not that close because you felt the need to explain to her your baby is exclusively breastfed. Besides, what happens with babies is the parents are thinking about their baby - not other's around them. Your friend might have friends with babies - saying yes to you when the other friends did not ask because they worked out babies are not invited adds a level of complications for her.

madamovaries · 14/10/2023 07:03

My view is - covid restrictions excepting - it is pretty awful not to allow babes in arms to a wedding. But I know this now I have two young kids of my own (both of whom are/ were exclusively breast fed). I did it for my own wedding (writing it on the invitation) because my mum advised me to (!). Am very glad she did too. I hope I would have done it anyway, but I did ask her about children coming.

I suspect if she doesn’t have children, your friend hasn’t thought very much about it and hasn’t quite realised how hard it would make it for you to attend. If she’s a mate though, can’t you just have a friendly word with her? I’d be apologetic in case your message overwhelmed her (is she very stressed about the wedding?) but explain the situation as you have here

good luck!

IamfeelingSad · 14/10/2023 07:05

Above all else - a baby at an evening do with drinking and drunk people and waiters and waitress with hot food and loud music and speeches is not a good mix.

Imisssleep2 · 14/10/2023 07:06

Could you express in advance to leave a supply of milk with whoever is looking after your other children?

Due to numbers, we said no children at our wedding, and most guests preferred an excuse to have a day without the kids tbf, we only allowed children of immediate family, ie flower girl, page boy, and my maid of honour and sister both had 6 month olds.

A friend had a baby 2 weeks before our wedding and asked if he could come, of course this was okay, he was pretty much asleep the whole day anyway tbh. But a newborn and a 4 month old are quite different, if she changed the rule for you it may rub other guests up the wrong way. I think I would just decline the invite as it's only evening and so far away.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 07:20

Honestly brides need to get over themselves.

Yes it's their one special day etc, but that doesn't give them the right to behave like their are some untouchable goddess.

I think it's fine not to want children at your wedding but tiny babies are different. If she goes on to have children I hope she's really embarrassed about it.

You're not even invited to the ceremony. I could kind of understand if she asked you missed the service.

Your message may not have been perfectly worded but it's a perfectly reasonable request for clarification , even if she wasn't aware of the breastfeeding thing, and deserves a response, even if it's a no.

Ignoring you because you had the audacity to ask is ludicrous and drama queen behaviour. .

Or maybe she's stressed, hasn't got round to replying and your other friend is causing trouble.

As for @Possimpible and the 'think they world revolves around your baby' ... actually at 4 months old it does, or at least your world does. If you value your friends you understand that.

That doesn't mean you have to have them at your wedding, but you shouldn't think women are spoilt selfish cows for putting their babies first.

fruitstick · 14/10/2023 07:21

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:56

I had planned on going to the hen do.
It’s a meal and party at a big hotel - we will not be the only people there.
I have booked a room where DH will stay and text me to come up when he needs feeding. (DS not DH) there are quite a lot of us going so I don’t think I would be missed if I have to nip out.
Bride will never see either of them if it all goes to plan

Also 'bride will not see any of them" business.

Is she honestly going to get pissed off because you've dared to bend over backwards to make sure you can attend her hen do.

Northby · 14/10/2023 07:24

Sorry I clicked the wrong button but YANBU!

Why is it such a big issue to clarify if kids includes EBF babies?! I took my 6 week old to a kids free wedding and checked in with the bride that’s ok - she said of course. How could you not bring your EBF baby to a wedding, it’s ludicrous.

It’s better to check than just turn up with baby, or just decline the invitation. She may not have realised you need to take the baby, or she may have assumed that of course you’d bring the baby.

It sounds like she’s just finding fault. I’d take a dim view of any “friend” who had that reaction to a simple clarification, particularly when it was couched in such generous “let me know what’s best for you” terms.

What happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt?!

EatYourVegetables · 14/10/2023 07:26

YANBU.

I would not go.

Appleontherocks · 14/10/2023 07:27

Maybe for white people. People from my background would never have an adults only wedding because none of our relatives would be able to make it.

Appleontherocks · 14/10/2023 07:28

IamfeelingSad · 14/10/2023 07:05

Above all else - a baby at an evening do with drinking and drunk people and waiters and waitress with hot food and loud music and speeches is not a good mix.

Sounds like your lot are off of Shameless.

Figgygal · 14/10/2023 07:29

Sounds like you've just killed off a drifting friendship tbh
Shes pissed if mentioning it others and your message was a bit much

FMLWTF · 14/10/2023 07:31

I didn’t like the message either and wouldn’t have appreciated its tone. It reads like an ultimatum. You should have asked very casually, let her reply then made your decision.

Also, if your DH is going to miss the wedding by sitting in a room with the baby and bringing him to you to be fed, can you not still do that? We once spent a wedding taking turns to sit in the dark in a hotel room while the other had a quick dance and mingle downstairs.

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