To be sick of having bombshells dropped on me at parents’ evenings?!

[Vestisbest]

Two DC. I do pick up 4 out of 5 days.

My eldest, it turns out, has ASD and ADHD. Nothing negative about his behaviour was ever mentioned by school, until he was almost at the end of reception, and then it was in parents’ evening, the 5 minutes you get allocated. That was the first of many, but nothing ever mentioned in between parents’ evenings. I contacted the SENCO myself to get things moving, set up meetings, organise a referral. Thankfully there are now no longer any surprises at DS1’s parents’ evenings because he has a weekly report book home to me, so I can address any issues with him at home.

My DS2 has just started reception. He’s had a wobbly start, lots of tears, which to be fair his teacher mentioned at pick up in the first week. I have been asking at the end of each week since whether he’s been ok, and she said he has, much better.

Yesterday at parents’ evening, his teacher told me that he’s having problems at play times, lashing out if there are too many children around him. He isn’t hitting or pushing but he gets very angry and the playground supervisors have to intervene. This has been happening every week apparently.

So yet another horrible surprise dropped on me when I’ve only got 5 minutes to ask further. I will be setting up a meeting about it with his teacher if it carries on, but is this really how it’s meant to be? I thought there was never meant to be any surprises at parents’ evening. As I’ve mentioned I do pick up nearly every day and so there’s been plenty of chances for the teacher to mention to me, or to ask me to ring school to have a word. I thought it was meant to be a 3 way relationship, it very much doesn’t feel that way.

I agree. And was never more happier when my son turned 18 and I didn’t have to do this kind of stuff anymore. Even at college I was getting phone calls about stuff. Glad when it was over.

Primary school are shite. My DS is 10 (yr6) has been on SEN register since he was (severe dyslexia and mild ADHD). I don't even have parents' evening, we have an annual review. Still at his end of yr5 review I was told that his handwriting and spelling was at the same level as at the end of yr4 (spelling and writing is at yr1 level).

How can I help if I am not told that there is a specific problem. My experience of primary school is that if the child is quiet and not causing a problem then they can just go under the radar.

I am obviously projecting wildly here but I have friends in a similar position who have had similar (or worse) experiences).

That's awful OP. Poor you. It's stressful enough parenting small kids without being in the dark about issues. I think you should have a calm, constructive conversation with head of year or head of something.

What would be the point of parents evening if you’re not going to get new information there? What a waste of time.

This sounds really shitty.

I'd make sure the teacher didn't mistake you for another parent (something that happened to me once).

Then I'd make a request for a daily update and also a polite request for the plans the teacher has for dealing with all the upset your son is experiencing.

YANBU. I'm a teacher and usually the first to stand up for other teachers, but this isn't good practice. One of the most important things I was taught about parents evenings during my teacher training was that parents shouldn't be getting any nasty surprises. Most teachers I've worked with have stuck by that rule.

I don't think yabu, early intervention is best approach if there are issues up coming and kids do best when things are continued and reinforced at home or if there are certain strategies that work well at home they could be mirrored in school etc. All of that is in the pupils best interests and you're right a 5 minute slot sporadically through the school year isn't the best time to go through issues like that. It should be more of a general overview of the child's progress and then a phone call home or an arranged meeting with parents separately would be more appropriate to discuss concerns through the year. I do however think teachers have a lot of pressure on them and it may be difficult to achieve that with higher numbers of pupils with sen in mainstream classrooms but at the end of the day, the service the child is receiving shouldn't be what's compromised. So I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel that way, but I also don't know that many schools will do it differently.

Waiting until the end of Reception to raise concerns about DS1 was not OK, but considering were not even half a term in, I think it's fine to tell you about DS2 now. Presumably the point of having parent’s evening so soon was to tell you how they were settling in, now you know.

Lots of kids struggle to begin with, and them get better once they settle, so they were probably just waiting to see if that happened. If they had told you at the door, you may well have complained about announcing it in front of the other parents, and they don't have time in the day to ring parents every time a 4yo is prevented from pushing.

I think it must be only the DC who have hit/pushed etc who are told immediately. Neither of mine have ever been aggressive so I guess they fly under the radar. DS2 behaves very well in the classroom, it’s the playground he is having issues, apparently, but I had no idea.

@Lavender14 exactly, now that I know I can try and talk to DS2 about his anger. He does have issues managing it generally, but as it hasn’t cropped up in school or nursery before then I assumed he kept it all in. DS1’s behaviour is so much better now that we know how he’s been in school weekly and can follow up with chats at home. I know some parents think it’s all up to the teacher but it really isn’t and I’d gladly know how my DC are at school so I can help reinforce areas they struggle with etc at home.

@Sprogonthetyne I see your point about this year, but the term is 5 weeks in now and it’s apparently been happening every week. I understand waiting the first week to see if it settles, but as I have approached the teacher before to ask how DS has been, I’d have expected her to tell me before parents’ evening…

Completely agree it’s unacceptable - head of EYFS here. I would have expected the teacher to be feeding back, in person if you do drop offs and pick ups, the first time the anger incidents happened, and by the end of the second or third week if it continued.

At our school we have feedback slips for the parents to complete, if they want to, after their consultation. Some don’t, some write positive comments, some comment on logistics, and sometimes they flag an issue like this. It’s really helpful - could you suggest it for future parents’ consultations?

Absolutely not acceptable to drop this on you at parents evening, it should have been addressed before now, as and when it happened. I would have been upset to have been faced with that and to then only have >5 minutes to discuss it and my child’s schoolwork so far.

I hated schools growing up and still do.
My son never got on in school worse years of our life every day the phone would ring.
He walked out when he was 14 i stood by him on his choice he got a job in a caffe never went back to school.
Long story but.
Hes now an adult working full time in a job he loves.
His as his own home Soon to be married to a wonderful woman and the school can have my middle finger and a big F you to miss h***er for saying my son will become nothing.
Sorry for the rant .
So pleased them days are over.

I’ve had exactly the same experience OP.

Told he was behind with writing at end of year report ( having been greater depth for years). No mention of this until last day of term.

My DS has ADHD- I had to push for everything. Sencos seem to be reactive rather than proactive. No flagging up of behaviour that was outside the norm ( other than general ‘lack of focus’ etc)

I get that maybe schools don’t like to diagnose kids- some parents might object- but they see your kids all day in a learning environment. It took about 3 days of home schooling with DS during lockdown to notice he had significant problems with concentration- why can’t they spot this?

I think this is possibly the difference between private and state

From now on I would be requesting to speak to main teacher at drop offs and pick ups, make sure they know how he's been overnight and how he's been while at school.

I was told all the way through my first son's primary middle and secondary school how well he was doing.

He did quite well in his GCSEs but it was Covid so how reflective they were of his ability I will never know.

3 months before his A Level finals the college said he should be tested for Dyslexia. He was and was diagnosed with a chronic version of the learning challenge.

I feel he was utterly failed and I feel like the worst mum ever.

When you go for a meeting ask if there is a reason that the teacher hasn't communicated this with you at every opportunity you have asked?

Yes, we had the same experience. Brushed off with fine, fine at pickups, hit with a bombshell at parent's evening.

I think the worst part of this situation is, our kids who are autistic (even if they weren't diagnosed at the time) have a different theory of mind and might not understand that we don't know how bad they've had it at school each day. It is up to the teacher to share that info with us so we can dig deeper with our DC. Once I knew how badly it had been going for DS, I was able to ask him about the specifics and was quite shocked (he'd been hiding, escaping, crying alone but hadn't mentioned any of this to us). Over the years he's been able to share more memories of bad things that happened that were never relayed to us.

That doesn't seem very fair OP. If your son is displaying problematic behaviour at school you and/or dad should be called in immediately so that it can be nipped in the bud and a behaviour management plan put in place to help your child. You can't do a lot if you don't know it's happening.

What do you expect the teacher to do about the other 29 children in the class? If you think it's hard to hear a 'bombshell' in a 10 minute consultation - only a few weeks into term - how much harder would it be for them to talk when there are other kids with needs and other parents able to overhear? Or are they meant to use more of their personal time to schedule additional meetings one or two weeks into term to discuss a Reception child who's struggling a bit to settle but ultimately isn't hurting other children or himself?

Unless we all vote to give teachers a lot more funding, this level of service isn't realistic.

Totally agree. And when they do tell us there’s a problem, they need to be clear.

My child had a friend fall out at school. It was dealt with. I then got an email asking if I wanted to have a meeting (at the end of an email about the fallout, after it was dealt with). I said i supported the school’s approach. I then got another email saying she was free to talk on certain mornings.

I eventually deduced that she’d like to have a meeting. Much time would have been saved if she’d just said so clearly.

I agree. You surely should be told about behavioural issues before then. Behaviour is a communication. Teacher could have a word with you for five minutes when you pick up.

One of my friends with a daughter in reception has just had a zoom parents evening for her daughter. After going through the academic stuff the teacher said her daughter had struggled to settle socially and had no friends in her class. Then the Zoom abruptly cut off before my friend could respond as they'd reached their ten minute allocation! Awful.

YANBU. Parents evening should be a chance to consolidate a terms worth of activity. Catch you up with where the child is academically, socially etc.

BUT if a child has specific issues going on, beyond the "normal" school achievement, the teacher and/or SENCO should be discussing with you as it happens. A quick message even "Tom had an issue in the playground today where he got frustrating and angry. We feel he was overwhelmed so we will now be keeping a closer eye. Please can you have a chat with Tom about this and we'll monitor our end".

To turn up at parents evening and find out a child's been struggling for a term or year is really poor.

Playing devil's advocate, I'd assume they're so busy, and so many kids have different needs during childhood, that they're struggling to find the capacity to update you. I can kind of understand how some things slide but it isn't best practice.

Sorry to hear there’s plenty of other Mumsnetters who’ve had the same type of experience. It’s horrible and I’ve come to dread parents’ evenings now.

Teachers are so busy, of course. But working with parents on issues will help them too in the long run - my DS1 has been a much easier pupil for his Y2 and Y3 teachers compared with how he was for his Y1, when we were still being kept in the dark about his behaviour (that teacher didn’t even go into much detail at parents’ evening, I had to hear from my DS how he was being punished every day!).