To be sick of having bombshells dropped on me at parents’ evenings?!

[Vestisbest]

Two DC. I do pick up 4 out of 5 days.

My eldest, it turns out, has ASD and ADHD. Nothing negative about his behaviour was ever mentioned by school, until he was almost at the end of reception, and then it was in parents’ evening, the 5 minutes you get allocated. That was the first of many, but nothing ever mentioned in between parents’ evenings. I contacted the SENCO myself to get things moving, set up meetings, organise a referral. Thankfully there are now no longer any surprises at DS1’s parents’ evenings because he has a weekly report book home to me, so I can address any issues with him at home.

My DS2 has just started reception. He’s had a wobbly start, lots of tears, which to be fair his teacher mentioned at pick up in the first week. I have been asking at the end of each week since whether he’s been ok, and she said he has, much better.

Yesterday at parents’ evening, his teacher told me that he’s having problems at play times, lashing out if there are too many children around him. He isn’t hitting or pushing but he gets very angry and the playground supervisors have to intervene. This has been happening every week apparently.

So yet another horrible surprise dropped on me when I’ve only got 5 minutes to ask further. I will be setting up a meeting about it with his teacher if it carries on, but is this really how it’s meant to be? I thought there was never meant to be any surprises at parents’ evening. As I’ve mentioned I do pick up nearly every day and so there’s been plenty of chances for the teacher to mention to me, or to ask me to ring school to have a word. I thought it was meant to be a 3 way relationship, it very much doesn’t feel that way.

That’s really sad. Ours were on Zoom too and you’re conscious that they’re already running late by the time it’s your turn.

I used to be a senco and then an area senco for a group of early years settings. This sort of thing should never be left to parents evening when the teacher is 'on the clock' for the next parent etc. I'd be asking for a meeting with the teacher and the senco to discuss these concerns. I'm sorry you had this experience/ambush at parents evening.

DH is a teacher and I asked him about this recently as our youngest just started school, he said that parents evening should be like a work appraisal - there should be no surprises. Behavioural issues should be addressed as they are happening not during a parents evening. How can you possibly help to try and resolve things if they wait until parents evening to tell you!

You're the parent. Perhaps you should have noticed the signs of your first being neurodivergent and accept it's expected that you follow it up instead of the school doing it for you.

If you need to talk to school, ask to make an appointment. If you only ever turn up on parents' evenings, then there's only your five minute slot.

As your DS1 is ASD, and given that a sibling of an ASD person is 25% more likely to be also, have you considered if your DS2 may be too?

You say he's finding playtime difficult and lashing out lashing out because there are too many other children. Sounds to me that he's experiencing a sensory overload, being overwhelmed and reacting/having a meltdown. I'm a parent of 2 ASD children myself. Might be something for you to look into.

That's simply unfair. Children can be different in a school setting, where they are confronted with lots of people and sensory triggers compared to how they are at home.

I feel your pain. I dropped off and picked up daily. Then parents evening, i sat down thinking oh hopefully it will all be good news, no the teacher said- oh hes such a naughty boy, hes done this that and the other. I was just gobsmacked. Wth, why did they not raise this i asked at pick up? “Well youre never there to speak to…!” Wtf

At our school you're collared in the playground at pick up on the day if there are any issues. As granny I've experienced this and been asked to pass the report on.

Agree, totally unfair!
At home, you'd hope, most children feel safe and secure and have access to things they love/enjoy. It completely makes sense that some children will display different behaviours in busy school/nursery settings

I've also known a few families where parents have only recognised DC1 being ND when a second DC has arrived for them to notice differences.

Good grief yes. My youngest is now 16. I tell her over and over to please NOT pretend all is ok if it's not because I can't cope with finding out things are not good at the end of term after nothing can be done to remedy. I hate the surprises.

Depends on the info. Big things should he communicated as it happens. Not communicated at a 5 min meeting. Stuff like 'needs work on his algebra or could benefit from a little help with unseen poetry. Not 'he's been pummelling kids every lunchtime for the past 4 weeks

This is what I was thinking too (except I dislike "is ASD"). I have noticed often (with my dc's friends) where eldest children have an autism diagnosis that the younger sibling is struggling too, but they don't present in the same way as their older brother/sister so it gets missed.

If I were you I would be looking to start the assessment process for your younger son, because it is possible that he is also ND and the earlier he can get strategies and interventions in place, the better the outcome for him.

Maybe the teacher was just waiting to see if your DS2 settled down, but I do think she should have made you aware that he was struggling before now, especially as it's relating to anger issues which does seem concerning, and I don't blame you for being annoyed at that.

No I really wouldn’t expect this. But thinking about it, I was only alerted to my child’s problems during an open event. Fortunately they aren’t long term issues but something we’ve been able to work out.

YANBU, I know they are super busy but honestly it takes 2 minutes to leave a voicemail or send an email saying you’d like to discuss X a bit more and could you stay for a quick chat one evening.

not all kids will need this so it’s not like they’ve got 30 parents to speak to at EVERY pick up.

My DH is a teacher although not primary and absolutely makes calls and sends emails about child welfare and talks to parents about his concerns outside of his core hours.

When I was teaching, we were told that there should never be any surprises for parents at parent teacher conferences. In other words, any concerns should have been communicated well before hand...

This was what we did when I was a classroom teacher too. For little one-off things. Anything more concerning and it was a call home to ask parents in for a cup of tea and a chat. Most often they had similar worries but hadn't known how to raise them with us.

That's shit OP, nobo0dy should me met with that at a parent's evening. This should have all been relayed to you way before now. I feel for you.

How does one notice such things if one doesn’t know the signs to look for especially if you have no experience in autism?

It is not as obvious as you seem to think it is unless you have experienced and even then it doesn’t present in the same ways between siblings. It is also a known fact that children can and do act one way at home and one way at school.

If your child has additional needs, can you request 'team around me' meetings with his teacher and the senco? I have them every few months for ds and they have been fantastic for identifying problems and working together with the school to fix them.

@ADifferentPathAuDHD your post hit hard. The point about theory of mind is so important. It was heartbreaking to hear some of ds’ memories. I was always there at pick up, involved, taking an interest and in the last two years, calling meetings far more often than I’d have liked. They just refused to see what was right under their noses.

Several of the primary teachers asked after ds when he went to secondary, and they all have this self congratulatory tone about how warm and nurturing their school is. I didn’t let fly because dd was still there but the difference between primary and secondary was stark. Ds had a rough transition, that was handled with kindness and compassion. Obviously not all secondaries are like that, but all primaries should be.

Reception teachers of many years, absolutely not acceptable to drop ‘surprises’ like that at parents evening. Make sure the teacher knows you expect regular updates from now on. Involve senior leaders (eyfs lead, headteacher etc) if necessary. Yes teachers are busy but that’s not a reasonable reason for not having shared this earlier. Good luck 🤞🏻

I presume its the same school? They sound very closed off to input from parents, with a child with SEN I've had to find schools with a more holistic approach, considering the child and their context. That sounds a very cold environment

New information + updates sure - but not bombshells.

If a student has any issues that would be flagged to another teacher or referred to the SENCO it is a matter of basic courtesy to let the parents know. It takes a 5 min email. Even if that email is saying ‘hi, just to let you know we’ve noticed ….. - would be helpful to hear your perspective at upcoming parents evening’

Believe me I know teachers are busy, I’ve done plenty of it. But good communication habits aren’t hard to stay on top of. They might be one of 30 students in a classroom But they’re the centre of their parents world and that should be honoured.

There shouldn't be any surprises at parents' evening or in a school report. They are times for the teacher to discuss things your child should work on, what their strengths are etc. It shouldn't be for dropping the news of violence or real problems a child is having.

It sounds like the school aren't great at their communication and I'm not surprised you're feeling frustrated at the situation. I'd make a separate appointment to speak to the teacher and/or SENCo and have time for a proper chat. Include in it that you were surprised at the parents' evening and because you hadn't heard anything prior, you assumed it was all okay. They need to hear they've messed up a bit here.

@Somaliwildass how dare you. Do you get off on being rude to strangers online?

Yes I have thought from day 1 that there’s a chance of DS2 having ASD too, of course. DS1 doesn’t actually have a diagnosis of ASD, only ADHD. There was actually not enough evidence for an ASD diagnosis, but I am pretty sure he has both as there’s so much cross over and he has had some traits in the past.

His struggles in a nursery and school setting were clear from age 3. DS2 has never had the same problems and is a model pupil in the class, and was always a very good boy in nursery. He had a wonderful report from last year (he was in the school’s pre school class) so this is very new. I’m sure there’s still a fair chance of him having ASD, but having been through the process already with DS1 I know there’s not enough evidence to press on. And regardless it doesn’t change anything - school shouldn’t be giving us this as news on parents’ evening, that’s clear!

They can be different at home and school. So OP's assertion that there were never comments from school staff on any behaviours might actually mean there weren't any issues of note at that time. If you know something is a problem, it's up to you to take a bit of responsibility.