To be sick of having bombshells dropped on me at parents’ evenings?!

[Vestisbest]

Two DC. I do pick up 4 out of 5 days.

My eldest, it turns out, has ASD and ADHD. Nothing negative about his behaviour was ever mentioned by school, until he was almost at the end of reception, and then it was in parents’ evening, the 5 minutes you get allocated. That was the first of many, but nothing ever mentioned in between parents’ evenings. I contacted the SENCO myself to get things moving, set up meetings, organise a referral. Thankfully there are now no longer any surprises at DS1’s parents’ evenings because he has a weekly report book home to me, so I can address any issues with him at home.

My DS2 has just started reception. He’s had a wobbly start, lots of tears, which to be fair his teacher mentioned at pick up in the first week. I have been asking at the end of each week since whether he’s been ok, and she said he has, much better.

Yesterday at parents’ evening, his teacher told me that he’s having problems at play times, lashing out if there are too many children around him. He isn’t hitting or pushing but he gets very angry and the playground supervisors have to intervene. This has been happening every week apparently.

So yet another horrible surprise dropped on me when I’ve only got 5 minutes to ask further. I will be setting up a meeting about it with his teacher if it carries on, but is this really how it’s meant to be? I thought there was never meant to be any surprises at parents’ evening. As I’ve mentioned I do pick up nearly every day and so there’s been plenty of chances for the teacher to mention to me, or to ask me to ring school to have a word. I thought it was meant to be a 3 way relationship, it very much doesn’t feel that way.

I’d be cross, parents evening are for progress reports, how his reading is coming on, asking you to encourage more reading and do extra work with counting etc….
big issues should be discussed at the end of a day or you should be called in to discuss for half hour before pick up

It shouldn’t be the norm, but sadly I think it’s fairly common.

My youngest has just gone into year one. He has a speech delay and has speech and language input outside of school. In the February of reception his teacher informed us at parents evening that he was ‘behind’. She didn’t really elaborate, just gave us some phonics sounds to work on and spoke about his speech and language input.

By June of reception I’d had no further updates, so I emailed and asked, and suggested that perhaps we should have a meeting with the SENCO. The next morning she confronted me in the playground, she was very defensive, repeatedly telling me it’s not her fault there is a gap in speech and language provision (I had only mentioned it in the email to give context) I pointed out that February to end of year reports is a long gap, and I didn’t find it reasonable to have no contact after being told he’s behind. She did clarify that she was only referring to phonics, reading and writing, but then told me ‘the school tell me when I can update you, if I start giving you updates I have to update everyone else too.

Needless to say I was furious at her unprofessional behaviour. I considered going to the head but I decided she was unlikely to engage meaningfully. I arranged a meeting with the SENCO who is great at appeasing parents but apparently not that great at acting on anything. We just had year one parents evening and the same teacher is sadly his year one teacher. She was unaware of any of the things I’d spoken to the SENCO about. I’m now gearing up to start battling again because I feel we’ve reached a point where school think SALT input is going to fix everything but the speech and language therapist isn’t convinced, because it’s a problem with forming sounds, not a vocabulary or understanding problem. The SALT has also seen DS behave as his normal self, whereas he tends to hold it together at school so they won’t believe there are other concerns.

I unfortunately feel that most schools/the system in general is letting down children who are outside of the ordinary. I first recognised he had a speech problem when he was under two. It was only when he was 4 I ended up calling the health visitor and refused to get off the phone with her until she agreed to speak to nursery that he got a referral. My husband even kept telling me ‘he’ll grow out of it’ because that’s what everyone was telling him.

Do you not get any sort of report through the year? We give reports as well as parents’ evenings.

If it's any help, OP, DDs Yr 2 teacher casually dropped in two minutes before the end of our slot at parents' evening "have you ever considered DD might have autism"...

Your ds sounds like mine. He was diagnosed with speech delay at the 2 year assessment and referred to the speech therapy services. The sessions were very few and far between and by the time he started school he still had no intelligible speech though he was good at signing. The school seemed to assume he was stupid and did not help at all. He had an IEP and one to one but generally as he was well behaved they generally just left him to it. At the end of reception a fellow mum gave me a number for a private speech therapist and though we couldn't really afford it I felt we couldn't afford not to do it. The moment he stood up and gave a prepared reading at dd2's wedding I was so proud of him! Also he was so obviously on the spectrum but because of his good behaviour the school refused to support an assessment. As soon as he got home he used to go crazy!
The school were also not concerned in the slightest that phonics were not working for him and that he'd made no progress by year one. Its awful to think that children with less supportive parents are left on the scrapheap! Ds is now 20 and he got 8 in both English gsces ( just off a 9 in literature) and a distinction in his grade 8 LAMDA due to his hardwork and perseverance.

Thank you so much for replying. It constantly feels like an uphill battle. We didn’t have a 2 year check in person due to Covid and I was just fobbed off with ‘he’ll grow out of it’

I’m fairly certain he has ASD (I’m autistic and I can see he shares many of my challenges) but again, doesn’t behave badly in school so they’re unconcerned. It’s very helpful to hear from someone with a similar experience, as depressing as it is that this is still happening to our children, and I’m glad your son is doing well now.

He does have issues managing it generally, but as it hasn’t cropped up in school or nursery before then I assumed he kept it all in

So your son has anger issues, and the teacher tells you he has anger issues? Where’s the bombshell?

Do you really think 4 year olds change personality at school?

And this is the teachers fault?

Also a teacher and I agree. Parents evening and end of year reports shouldn't have any surprises.

With you behind him I'm sure he'll be fine! Ds started kumon maths at the end of reception as he seemed to like numbers and I wanted to encourage his ability and give him confidence. Once I realised he just couldn't process sounds, merge them etc I went back to the Look Say method and the speech therapist also recommended the Read Write Inc scheme which was also useful. He then started kumon English which he did for about two years. Once he could read he could actually progress at school! He was starting to get bullied a bit when he got to about year 4/ 5 because he was an easy target with his asd, speech difficulties and he'd also be assessed as having bilateral sensory processing diorder so we looked around private schools. He realised he'd have to work hard to pass the entrance exam and get a scholarship ( we had no money) so we used to do the Bond books every night. He was determined and was offered full scholarships at the two schools he applied to. He chose the boys only school and he really enjoyed his time there. They made an effort to understand him and he thrived. Good luck on your journey!

YANBU
My DD found starting reception hard and had a lot of separation anxiety but then settled well. At the end of DDs reception year though, my mum became very unwell and died after 2 weeks in hospital.(just before the school holidays) This was obviously very traumatic for all of us.

I wrote to the year 1 teacher explaining this and saying DD had regressed in some aspects - sleeping, being clingy etc.
At the first parents evening of year 1 (probably around half term) the year 1 teacher just sort of dropped into conversation, "of course there's the crying every day " and rolled her eyes. I was upset, and nearly burst into tears myself, as she'd not mentioned it at it any pick ups or drop offs.

His anger strictly comes out with us and his grandparents who he’s very close to, he’s been in nursery since he was 10 months old, going 4 days a week at one point, then on to the school’s preschool last year, and has never had angry outbursts anywhere else. That’s not uncommon for children - both NT and ND, to keep emotions in until they’re in their safe spaces.

In fact this time last year, at his pre-school parents’ evening, his behaviour at home was atrocious so I asked about tantrums at pre-school, his teacher chuckled and said no he’s a delight, but that her own son was very similar in terms of letting it all out at home.

Thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to reply helpfully, especially those teachers who know how practice should take place.

I’m not going to expect his teacher to speak to me every day as I know she’ll be too busy, but I’ll definitely be asking for updates more regularly and ask that she raise anything at pick up with me. As PP have mentioned I imagine the reason she hasn’t is because he’s not actually hurting anyone. In the classroom he’s a model pupil.

This is absolutely unbelievable.

Do you really think 4 year olds change personality at school?

Yes. That’s the reason parents and teachers are supposed to communicate with each other. Children will act one way at home and a different way at school. They are often two completely different environments.

Even adults are one way at home and one way at work, why would children be any different?

Schools, particularly primary, are crazy places. Ds1's primary head used to call me all the time complaining about ds' behaviour - undiagnosed ADHD and PDA - and then would barefaced lie when Camhs came to do their assessments for ADHD and tell them they were having no problems with him. Literally gaslighting me. My head was scrambled - autistic and ADHD - and I was climbing the walls with them.

The week he left in year 6 I did get the courage to complain and make them face what they'd done.

I've been a teacher for over 20 years and it should be a mantra 'no surprises at parents' evenings'. If it's important enough to raise, raise it early.

Do you have an EHCP? They are required to have regular meetings.

Our schools were shockingly bad at communication. 5 minutes on Zoom a couple of times a year. I was sick to the back teeth of the broken promises and dc being failed.

Despite huge opposition from the Senco we got the EHCP and dc have gone from strength to strength as the school are bound legally. I'd recommend applying to anyone in a similar position.

But surely saying ‘primary school is shit ‘ is a bit harsh

I have a child with ASD. .it’s hard … but has this been first time behaviour has been mentioned really ?

The first time this behaviour has been mentioned @Swimcoffee ? Yes, first time.

@flufferknutter thats what ive had. Issues through reception y1 etc biting hitting etc. And yet when i raised adhd they cant see it?!!
We only ever saw class teacher in reception once and they 'couldnt' put anything in place for break times.
No senco meeting asked for by senco in 7 years.
No ehcp.
And yet issues straight away in y7.
Even though the report had hints of issues.

Re the achievements defiinitely levels would have been much better. As clearly several parents dont get how far behind kids are.
My dd went from meeting reception maths to y1 not, then meeting. However she was always capable of exceeding.

Dd2 was exceeding at maths but they wont put it.
In some ways i think more external test thar the teachers cant fudge the statistics.

Tbh if we werent sending kids at 4 into classes of 30 maybe it would be more obvious which kids had sen (as the youngest seem like they have sen but are just compared to older kids).

But given you only get 1 maybe 2 a year in a lot of schools waiting months to mention a problem that you could all be working on is pretty stupid!

I hated this too. At a parents evening in yr one I was told she was behind, was going to be seen by the EP and had a “spiky profile” on dyslexia screen. It’s not private and it’s an awful way to find this out. Communication should be more tailored when there are issues.

Caution : Some schools are randomly earmarking some children because they can apply for EXTRA FUNDING by doing so.

I completely agree with you, this has happened to friends of mine and is really bad practice. Something like this requires a phonecall or an email inviting you to contact them.
It's not for discussion on the playground or a bomb to be dropped at parents evening.

I have been flagging up signs of autism in DD1 since she was 4 years old. She got finally accepted onto the waiting list for assessment aged 11, expected wait will be another 3 years. I'm an ex-teacher, now a SALT - I know how to navigate systems and how to advocate and it's STILL taken that long for our "noticing the signs" to be taken seriously.

OP - I was always told the same thing other teachers said on this thread - no new bombshells on a parents evening. I could kind of understand this one being left to watch and see if it was just adjusting and settling into school before raising it about this point into the school year - but it's not one to drop in at the end of a 5 minute parents evening slot.

We had a reception parents evening about this time in the year when DD2 was that age and were told basically she was a lovely child but not likely to meet expectations at the end of reception. I did politely challenge the teacher and warned them that the aura of "floating around on another planet" was deceptive and there was a sharp little brain inside that head - and the teacher will now admit (we get on well) that she completely misjudged that one and DD2 hit all the expected levels!

As for secondary - DD1 is waiting for an autism assessment and has a designated SEN key worker TA who updates me every couple of weeks on how she's appearing in school as she can be very different in how she presents in school to at home. Much better system than waiting for a parents evening or a SEN review for any issues to have become bigger issues by that time.