To not give DD her main birthday present

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

DD is turning 13 on Friday. We are having massive issues with school attendance. She has anxiety but school have put so much in place to help her and she is still refusing to attend. I've tried to talk to her this morning to be met with silence. I've contacted school to ask for another meeting to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a laptop but am really thinking about holding it back. The lack of communication from her is very frustrating and it seems she's not even trying after all the help we've had. Last year was terrible too and I know she has some issues but I feel like I'm being taken for a ride sometimes and she doesn't deserve the laptop if she won't even speak to me. I am very understanding of her anxiety but she also has to help herself and not just hide in her bedroom.

Try getting to the bottom of what is causing her anxiety. Is she being bullied?

I wouldn't dream of withholding her birthday gift.

Do you check her phone? What's she looking at?

I personally wouldn't be giving her a laptop. As far as im concerned, if she's not going to school she doesn't need a laptop.

Could you use it as a carrot? I mean, what if you said "if you have good attendance til Chrtismas, we can get you a laptop" or something like that, do you think it'd make a difference.

Seriously?

I was about to say YABU but I think seeing as the laptop is directly related to school it would be reasonable to say that she will get the laptop when she starts making the effort to get into school at least some of the time.

That said, I'd probably buy her something else for her birthday that she would also love that is totally unrelated to school. Try to separate out the different areas of life and build a bond around those other areas so that it's not ALL about what is going on with school.

Punishing her or withholding a present (and therefore your love) will make her more anxious and depressed. Is she receiving any professional help?

I think she means laptop is main present, but intends to get her smaller stuff if she doesn't get the laptop. Can you clarify OP? I think you need to get her a present.

This will make the situation worse. You could get her something else for her birthday, and the laptop could belong to you. You could then let her use it (assuming it’s for fun rather than schoolwork) as a reward for going to school that day. Don’t use birthday presents as punishment.

Will the laptop help her get on with her school work?
is there some agreement school can come to that she does some school work at home?

She's not being bullied. She has a great group of friends. She has been having CBT for a while but have seen no change. She also has sessions with staff in tge wellbeing centre at school but that can only happen if she's there.

She has other gifts. I would never not give her anything! Just seems the laptop is not deserved at the moment.

My DD missed a whole year of school due to anxiety & depression.
It was definitely a case of can't not won't.
Even now 3 years later with therapy and meds she finds it hard to talk about things sometimes as things can seem too overwhelming.

I would give the laptop, but have tight controls on its use wrt to internet/social media.

Sounds like she needs external support, and pressure from you removed.

Suggest you post in Child Mental health instead of AIBU.

Well if you are such a child raising expert why don't you offer the OP the benefit of your expertise with some advice, rather than hurling insults.

Agree a laptop might not be the best thing as she could spend more time in her room and in internet rabbit holes. Perhaps get her a fun day out with friends to strengthen her friendships or with family instead

Wow...just....wow!!!
You've obviously never had a child refuse school and you're at the point where you'll try anything to resolve it......

This. What a cruel thing to even consider doing. You have zero sympathy for how awful anxiety can be.

OP is trying to figure it out how best to deal with this. She obviously cares, that’s why she is on here asking advice.

I've experience of this and it's extremely stressful so you have my sympathy. I can understand why you would want to withhold the laptop but I don't think it's a good idea. It will make things worse IME.

How long has she been off school, how often does she go in? It sounds like school are being supportive, which is obv great.

I remember waking up every morning with a knot of anxiety in my stomach wondering if she'd get up and go in ..... also so much judgement from family and friends who thought she was just taking the piss and I was being soft. They had no idea. Even DH, it almost broke us.

She's now a confident adult with a great job so don't despair OP.

YABVU. Can she do some home learning on the laptop?

Is there a chance there could be some undiagnosed neurodiversity such as autism? People always say it can present differently in girls (IMO it can present differently in boys too but more easily missed in girls apparently)

Have you looked up resources about school refusal? Check out:
https://notfineinschool.co.uk/
https://naomi-fisher.mykajabi.com/school
"Can't not won't" by Eliza Fricker

You’re going to punish your child for having a mental health condition? Wow.

I aged OP. As long as you give her some presents not giving the laptop is worth a try if you link eventually getting it to going to school. The only trouble might be if she doesn't go to school what will you do with the laptop. Will you be able to return it?

I have looked at everything about school refusal. We have been dealing with it since last September. I am a member of that group. We've had 2 CAMHS referrals. 1st one referred us to mind for the CBT. I asked for a 2nd referral when things got worse. They said she didn't meet criteria for their help but to 'treat her as if she's autistic'??? So they think she might be but refused to assess her. School can't assess her if she's not attending school and I can't afford a private assessment. I have bought her noise cancelling earbuds, stress relieving fidgets to have at school and home. Looked at various videos and texts in ways to reduce and cope with anxiety but she doesn't engage. Anyone that says I'm cruel and shouldn't be raising children have no idea of how much I love her and have tried to help. It's exhausting.