To not give DD her main birthday present

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

DD is turning 13 on Friday. We are having massive issues with school attendance. She has anxiety but school have put so much in place to help her and she is still refusing to attend. I've tried to talk to her this morning to be met with silence. I've contacted school to ask for another meeting to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a laptop but am really thinking about holding it back. The lack of communication from her is very frustrating and it seems she's not even trying after all the help we've had. Last year was terrible too and I know she has some issues but I feel like I'm being taken for a ride sometimes and she doesn't deserve the laptop if she won't even speak to me. I am very understanding of her anxiety but she also has to help herself and not just hide in her bedroom.

She’s petrified of getting any detentions

I imagine the school would work with you on that one. If detention wasn’t on the cards, would that make her life easier?

Is there anything else, which makes it hard? I see you’ve got time out cards and your dd leaves class early to avoid the rush already.

My dd was offered a meeting with the HOY to go through lessons she struggled with and look at why. The idea being to put lessons on a traffic light system. Red, amber, green and try to make adaptations to get away from red and to amber / green.

Oh and I would give your dd the laptop but have it in a communal area if you’re concerned about the amount of time she’s on it.

Do you have time to study with your dd if she won’t work alone? The Oak National Academy lessons are still available online.

Even if I tell her she won't get a detention she doesn't believe me. No chance of detentions and homework has been stopped. We've had a meeting with her HOY who is lovely but she doesn't engage.

These ones are always hard to answer because she may not be autistic or have anxiety or any mental health problems at all. She might just be a typical lazy teenager. I used to hate going to school at that age. No real reason, just that it was a lot of effort to go. At 13 I definitely would have claimed I had anxiety to get out of going if I knew that was a thing back when I was a kid. I made up all sorts of illnesses and diseases to get out of going and probably drove my mum bananas.

@Notfeelinghunkydory you certainly don’t need to head to the bin. You’re actively engaging with school to support her, you’ve come on here to ask for advice. It’s evident the love you have for her and I totally understand you’re in a position where you want to try anything and everything if you think it might help.

If school have put in adjustments for her to leave earlier than the others and have seen her breakdown in meetings at school and have her in well-being groups at lunch times, then surely that would be noted on an assessment? Any adjustments they’ve made for her over and above what they generally do for the children, clearly highlights a need. Again, the fact they’ve implemented these things and she still doesn’t go into school, just highlights that there is a greater need.

I work (currently off sick with a chest infection) also have a younger DD. I tried to get her engaged in online learning with me during lockdown and she refused.

My DD masks at school so I understand the frustration and it’s why so many girls are undiagnosed.

My only advice is to keep pushing for an assessment.

But most importantly your home needs to be DDs safe space.

It needs to be a place where she can truly be herself and scream, cry, go quiet, sleep etc.

You trying to punish her because she’s not talking to you, when she’s absolutely exhausted from trying to cope all day (and is a typical teenager) is not on.

I completely get your frustration but you need to be showing her love and attention, especially on her birthday.

The more she feels safe at home and the more you shower her with love and affection, the more she will eventually open up.

If she is autistic you cannot expect her just to act how she really feels at school. She will have been learning to mask her whole life and will only be able to unmask where she feels completely safe, which will never be at school around her peers.

So where do we go from here?

To the GP. Ask for a referral to Clinical Partners (private company) through right to choose for an ASD assessment. The wait time atm until assessment I understand is only 3 months, and it's free through right to choose. Do it now because the wait list will get longer quickly like it has with Psychiatry UK.

I've done that this morning

I’ve only read your replies @Notfeelinghunkydory , but I was wondering if neurodiversity may have been touched upon. In girls it often presents as mental health issues (and they genuinely are due to years of masking bringing out huge anxiety). I was exactly the same as your daughter in secondary, I couldn’t cope with the new social structures, the work expectations, any criticism felt like a thousand needles. Unfortunately this was 20-25 years ago and adhd/ASD wasn’t even raised as a possibility so I’ve continued to struggle to this day. I ultimately utterly refused to go to school by 15, however I did scrape some GCSEs. I even went to uni (whole other story of stress and bad results but there we go).

What your daughter needs is full support and understanding. I know it’s extremely frustrating for you and the school but if it is underlying ND, and simply just mental health issues at all, no one is more frustrated or angry with themselves than her believe me. You have to keep fighting for help or recognition, write everything down she struggles with, try and get her to write down how she feels even if it’s in ‘odd’ ways. For example, when trying to describe my suspected adhd traits I say ‘I feel like my brain is a room where I’m stood in the middle and 20 other versions of me are all talking at once about things I need to do, things I forgot, silly little facts, ooh I should google that, I need to do housework, I have an appointment at 3pm, I must pick up a birthday card tomorrow, etc etc etc’. It’s maddening and completely ruins any real functionality outside of my whizzing brain. Whatever is going on with her, she is also losing function skills and it must be extremely frustrating.

I'd give her the laptop, I’d also ask her to use it to write down how it feels to be her. Not in a glib, affirmations sort of way. Just any way she feels her brain isn’t connecting to the world around her.

Just this morning I've asked her to write what she finds difficult. I've just been upstairs and she's written 2 things....small steps

I am quite sure you love your daughter and are doing your best for her but all the love in the world will not cure autism, any more than it will cure cerebral palsy or blindness.

Your dd is telling you that she cannot manage school and the support she is getting is either not enough or not appropriate (cbt is particularly useless for trying to make autistic people less autistic). Punishing her will not change that any more than loving her will.

If you think autism is at the root of a this then treat her as though she has autistic burn out (and try and confirmed diagnosis). Forget school for now and prioritize her mh.

Easily said than done to forget school when your are at threat of fines etc and if I deregister here I have to show proof of learning that she won't engage in.

@Notfeelinghunkydory give her the laptop but restrict her internet browsing and take away her phone.

She doensn't deserve or need a phone or full internet access if she is defying you. She doesn't get to skip on an education just to snapchat and watch TikTok vids all day. No chance.

Could you home school or move her to a new school if she won't engage?

The school she is with is the smallest in the area. I don't think moving schools will help and she's not eligible for a specialist school. I don't yhink she'll engage even being homeschooled.

Again, if she is autistic then it's quite possible may not know or cannot communicate what the problem (s) actually are. Comorbid with autism is a condition (who's name I forget) which means many autistic people literally don't know what they are feeling ie find it hard to differentiate their emotions- what they feel is "stress" or "overwhelm" but trying to work out what underlies or comprises this is very difficult, esp when that person is under pressure.

I know you want to fix this but it may not be fixable in the sense that it can be broken down into a set of little issues that can be negated. Your dd may need a whole new approach.

I know this but no one is helping as no one will assess her.

Would a promise of something at the end of the week be a good motivator to try? Like a takeaway of choice or £10 for every week she goes to school full time? As a side note if you haven’t looked at a DLA application it may be worth applying - the money could be used for private assessments.

Tried all the motivational well done takeaways/starbucks etc but if she can't do a full week she can't do a full week. I'm going to give her the laptop and just muddle through like we have for over a year with no real help.

What help have the school offered? Is/could she be put on an official reduced timetable? So only in mornings for a while as an example? At least it would be a solid routine and should get the LA off your back at least.

Is it the missing of education that worries you most, or the prospect of prosecution and fines? If the latter have you approached your gp for a sick note?

There are certainly ways of home educating that allow for unschooling and there's very little if any evidence of learning that you need to show anyone. But I don't suggest you get forced to homeschooling unless you truly think it best.

As for the special school, her inability to engage with mainstream is evidece of her need but yes, they will make you fight for it and there may be nothing suitable available locally.

YABVU. Your daughter is depressed and anxious, so to get her to talk to you you want to punish her by withholding her gift?

Of course she won’t talk to you when there are strings attached.

Mental health doesn’t require punishment. It requires help.

Anyone that says I'm cruel and shouldn't be raising children have no idea of how much I love her and have tried to help. It's exhausting..

Now imagine someone telling you they want to give you a two week holiday somewhere sunny and beautiful but not until you snap out of this exhaustion and start being energetic and upbeat. That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?