To not give DD her main birthday present

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

DD is turning 13 on Friday. We are having massive issues with school attendance. She has anxiety but school have put so much in place to help her and she is still refusing to attend. I've tried to talk to her this morning to be met with silence. I've contacted school to ask for another meeting to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a laptop but am really thinking about holding it back. The lack of communication from her is very frustrating and it seems she's not even trying after all the help we've had. Last year was terrible too and I know she has some issues but I feel like I'm being taken for a ride sometimes and she doesn't deserve the laptop if she won't even speak to me. I am very understanding of her anxiety but she also has to help herself and not just hide in her bedroom.

Laptop was £200 on credit! Private assessment thousands!!! Not very comparable!!

You don't sound cruel OP you sound desperate to help. Whether this would work or not really depends on what the root cause of the anxiety and refusal is. If you think there's a possibility that she is ND then using strategies to help this would be sensible. Has she asked for the laptop for fun or is it for school work?

For both but if she's not attending she won't need it for school work. In previous non attendance I've asked school for work for her and they have sent nothing. I also asked her to do some work off her own back and she refused.

You can ask your GP to refer for an assessment under Right to Choose. There is info here - on ADHD website but still relevant for autism assessments:
https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

I strongly advise doing this, we have done it ourselves and DC is now on waiting list for combined ASD/ADHD assessment. It's with a private provider but funded by the NHS.

Ask the assessment providers what evidence they will accept if the child is not in school.

Also, absolutely no harm in trying the parenting techniques for an autistic child - perhaps PDA - without a diagnosis. They help us a lot.

I feel so sorry for that child, she is obviously struggling and you think punishing her is the answer?

Saying the laptop isn't 'deserved' at the moment is worrying. So you think she should just make more effort and everything will get better?

Just so you know, CBT can be no help at all in some cases. It's meant to help change mindsets and ways of seeing a problem so that positive change can happen. If you're neurodiverse / autistic - and this can present very subtly as pp has said - you can get into very fixed patterns of behaviour/ thinking which are not really in your control.

Punishment is just going to throw a hand grenade in there.

I don't want to scare you OP, and I know you will probably brush it off because I thought it was impossible too. My daughter was like this. The school helped massively and after a few years she disclosed to them she had been SA when younger.

I'm absolutely not suggesting that particular scenario applies to your daughter.

I'm just saying there's often a much deeper underlying issue.

We just couldn't figure out why she was so anxious. Me and her teacher cried together many times because we just never imagined this was the cause

I'm saying instead of punishing her you really need to open up dialogue and maybe therapy to figure this out.

Are you the poster who mentioned your daughter not going to school but went out with friends and to sports day to watch?

Jesus christ, some of you here are such bullies. It's no wonder Op's rarely come back to update threads. I agree with withholding the laptop , not as a punishment but because she's withdrawing to her room a lot, I think it could increase her wish to lock herself away even more.

I'm a teacher BTW, so I have experience in this. Keep persevering. Anxiety is so complicated and the desire to run from stressful situations overpowers her wish to go back to school. She isn't doing this on purpose but you sound like a great mother who has and is trying everything. Keep working with the school.

I try consistently to talk to her about what's worrying her and she won't open up. Any meetings we have with professionals she won't speak. I have no idea what goes on in the teams CBT as she says she can't remember what was said and I get no feedback from the clinician.

Not the answer. She needs laptop for learning.
Speak to the LA educational welfare officer for children missing school. if in England every LAhas to have one . If she has missed 15 days school she should get acess to small group tuition or home tutors. Find another way toaccess education.
She needs support. Taking things away wont do it.

Yes about the watching sports day and going on a school trip. She doesn't go out with friends

try consistently to talk to her about what's worrying her and she won't open up.*

Try speak to a psychologist or therapist ypurself for advice

Kids,rarely answer the question"what is worrying you"
Instead therapists ask other questions sermingly unrelated.

even what was you best holiday?
What does your best day look like? What s your favourite film?
Who are your friends?
Draw your family tree.
Draw your circle of friends.

We had an EWO who we saw a couple of times at the beginning but haven't seen or heard from in months.

Look for some workbooks in the library for something suitable like The DBT Skills Workbook for Teens: A Fun Guide to Manage Anxiety and Stress, Understand Your Emotions and Learn Effective Communication Skills (New Books For Teens) https://amzn.eu/d/g0CHLEU

Call them back. Make an appt.

She's had worksheets etc given to her by social services who I begged for for help but she won't do them.

Don’t be a dick. The cost of a laptop is not comparable to private assessment. Go and get your childish armchair bullying kick somewhere else.

Do the worksheets yourself next to her on the sofa talk about your responses out loud
Even if she appears not to listen

So you’re planning on punishing her for her anxiety? That will simply make things worse.

home needs to be her safe place.

You can't punish her for mental health issues or unmet need in school and it will only sour your relationship.

I suggest you join the group Not Fine In School on Facebook for support.

I am in that group. I've got support but I need help for my daughter. School are being very understanding but no one seems interested in actually talking to her except me but then she doesn't engage so it seems pointless paying for private therapy/counselling for her. I really don't know where to go from here

I’m autistic and CBT doesn’t work for me. CBT is about changing invalid thought patterns - it doesn’t work if your thought patterns are valid and correct. Counselling works better but it’s much harder to access on the NHS.

You say you keep trying to talk to your DD and she won’t open up. But the way you try to talk to her is important. If you’re sobbing and begging, or getting emotional and blaming her for her condition, or putting pressure on her to “snap out of it”, of course she isn’t going to engage with that. That’s why it’s better for her to talk to someone neutral like a counsellor, who isn’t going to start wailing because she dared to have feelings, and certainly won’t expect her just to “get over it”, which is apparently what you are doing.

Take her to the GP. Ask for an autism assessment via Right to Choose. Also get her on the waiting list for open ended counselling. And stop blaming and punishing her for daring to be unwell.