To not give DD her main birthday present

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

DD is turning 13 on Friday. We are having massive issues with school attendance. She has anxiety but school have put so much in place to help her and she is still refusing to attend. I've tried to talk to her this morning to be met with silence. I've contacted school to ask for another meeting to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a laptop but am really thinking about holding it back. The lack of communication from her is very frustrating and it seems she's not even trying after all the help we've had. Last year was terrible too and I know she has some issues but I feel like I'm being taken for a ride sometimes and she doesn't deserve the laptop if she won't even speak to me. I am very understanding of her anxiety but she also has to help herself and not just hide in her bedroom.

It's both. I do have a letter from the GP that school has stating she may be unable to attend on occasion due to anxiety. But full non attendance is not on occasion so I dont know how much power it holds. All her absences go down as illness.

@Notfeelinghunkydory How was your daughter during homeschooling during lockdown?

Not interested in doing any school work

Some of the comments on here are very harsh. This is the almost exact same situation we are in, except my daughter has been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, OCD and severe anxiety. She is 13, in Year 9, has not been to school full-time since Easter and only one day since the start of the new school year in September. You are only human and it is VERY frustrating sometimes; the lack of engagement, the silence, the refusal to do anything at all. I totally get your feelings of not knowing which way to turn and I think this is where your question comes from. In our situation, I am doing my best to be supportive and to find alternative and supporting options, even down to just making sure she stays in touch with her two friends from school, going out for a milkshake at a quiet time of day etc. I am afraid she is becoming isolated and more and more anxious the longer she stays off school. This situation isn't easy and it is all so overwhelming. Our school is being very nice, no threats, but no realistic options or alternatives either. Their only solution is to suggest she comes in to their support base for lessons, but she can't even walk past the front door of the school, so that's no help at all. They have also tried to shut me down about an EHCP, saying there is nothing else they can provide. I am going to apply myself though. I found out about hospital school through a contact - is this something that might be an option for you? In our area (Oxfordshire), this can be small group or one to one outreach teaching, either in a local venue (eg outdoor centre), at home either in person or online. We are waiting for the decision on the referral, but this is our only option at the moment. You will need to ask the school to make a referral and will need to provide medical evidence that she is unable to attend school on a temporary basis. I am not sure how long 'temporary' is though! On your question, I would give her the laptop, but think a response I read further up about limiting it to use in a communal area to prevent her retreating to her room is a good one. You can also use a new laptop to create an opportunity for some different sort of learning - we have started doing some of the Hobbycraft workshops together as a Mum and Daughter activity, for example. Good luck! If I can help in any way, then do feel free to message me.

Have you sat down and asked if she doesn't want to do school work, what will she do instead?
Maybe look at apprenticeships, and find out if any of them appeal to her.

School is not for everyone, and it is a shame children that are not academic are forced to do it.

@Notfeelinghunkydory that’s brilliant that she’s written down 2 things that she finds difficult! Already you’ve gone from saying she won’t have a discussion with you, to now knowing 2 things she’s struggling with - that’s a huge step forward! ❤️

I have looked into 14-16 provision ar a local college but that wouldn't start until y10 if she was accepted and she's only just started y8

I agree!

OP, I hear that you are exhausted and demoralised. It's really hard. But just keep going and try and focus on the positives, I'm sure your daughter has lots of lovely qualities, and if you can try and prioritise your relationship with her, everything else will work itself out in the end.

Is she going to school at all? If she isn't then I guess she is home all day. Could you, as an interim measure, remove her from school and home school her for the rest of this academic year, with a view to her going back in next September?

You can create your own learning goals around what interests her. If she isn't going in anyway, then she isn't following the national curriculum at this point, so the only obvious difference will be less pressure.

This difference in my DS when I took him out was enormous. He engaged with learning at home at his pace, rather than absconding from school virtually every day. Turned out he was quite a long way behind and getting further and further out of his depth as the curriculum was marching on relentlessly and he just didn't understand anything.

It's a gamble, it might turn out to be the best thing in the long run, or it could turn out to be the worst thing.

But what is happening now isn't doing either of you any good.

Regarding the laptop. Does she know about it? If she does, then I would probably give it to her. If she doesn't then I might tuck it away and tell her you will get her one if she can try to attend school at least for 3 days a week for the next full term or if you take her out, engages with home based learning. There are a lot of on-line resources for HS, so the laptop would be helpful.

Just saw your update that she didn't engage with home learning during lockdown - but that was still school lead. Home school can incorporate whatever you want it to.

My youngest LO is much the same. She is 11 and for the last 4 years her anxiety has escalated to the point where the school are considering placing her on an adjusted timetable where she will only attend 3/4 days a week or just mornings etc. Some children, especially ND/SEN children just can't cope with the overstimulation and unpredictability of school. That's not their fault, just as it's not your fault for not getting her to go to school.

I would say your relationship with her is to be made a priority and I would give her the laptop. However, I would give it with a caveat that once she has done some school work (when not attending), she could then use it for personal use. She needs a 'trusted person', someone she can talk to, without judgement. I'm not saying you're not that person or that you can't be but there's a barrier there that is stopping her from being open and honest with you. I'm sure you've tried lots of different things to get her to open up but some things that worked for me were taking my DD to a neutral place, out for a meal, town shopping etc where we could talk but in a casual way. For the ND there is nothing worse than being sat there and having this expectation that you need to bare all. It just doesn't work. You're more likely to get results in a natural environment. Play some games and just chit chat, you'll find out way more that way.

School can do a referral to Neurodevelopment without her attending and the doctor can also refer but they will need a lot of support (and encouragement) from you to be able to complete the masses of information the form requires. Be aware though that girls are rejected very often due to masking and demonstrating different to boys.
Your GP can also refer her to occupational therapy which will help her deal with any sensory issues that may be affecting her attendance.

Everything is to be done in baby steps. Build up the trust between you, try taking her to school one morning with you, have a chat with her head of year etc then go home. Next day let her try it alone and tell her if she can't cope, message you and you'll come to collect her straight away. Once she trusts you to do little things like that and she sees you're on her side. Everything else will follow.

Sorry for the enormous post, hope it helps!

I work and have no phone signal in the office and I cant just leave at anytime of the day to collect her. I'm a single mum and have to work.

When you give her the laptop you could say this is to help you with your school work.

I know my DD was more willing to do her work when she got her own laptop.

If she gets on with it you could ask the school if she can bring it in and do her work on it but she runs the risk of getting it lost, broken or stolen.
They should have school laptops she can use.

The good thing is that she’s in year 8 and so you don’t need to worry about exams or anything yet.

Having a school refused is honestly one of the most difficult things.
Is she happy in herself?
No weight gain or bad acne etc?

Laptop would not be going to school.
She has no acne and a perfectly normal body. She has a very low opinion of her looks but she really is a beautiful girl and I tell her that everyday.

I am really glad it helped your ds. I would be cautious of removing her from school as it may be difficult to get back in. It depends very much on the region. Where we live the schools are rammed, perhaps a little less in the years below dd - she’s yr11. I know of a few children dd’s age, who kept their places for well over a year and barely stepped foot in school during that time. If you de enrol your dd, the LA won’t be obliged to offer alternative provision if anything could be found. It is crucial to engage with the school though.

I am in full contact with school

@Notfeelinghunkydory most employers have a policy on family leave etc can you not take a couple days off to focus on your DD? Surely if she's not going to school you're having to take time off anyway?

I'm off sick this week. No she stays at home while I'm at work. I have no other choice.

How is taking her present going to help??? What are you trying to achieve?

If you read my updates you would see that I'm not

Hi OP, I’ve been where you are now, and it’s really hard.

DD missed all of Y10 & Y11, felt unable to start college at 16. Now, a year later, she has started, and we are at 100% attendance .. the first time since Y8.

A few things I learned along the way … stop talking to her about school, she knows she is supposed to be in, and why. Talking about it will make her anxiety worse.

It’s not your job to her into school, that is the job of the professionals. Your “job” is to make her feel safe, loved, and enjoy her for who she is. School, Senco, CAMHS… keep batting it back to them.

You have to push & fight for everything … learn who to complain to, and how. My DDs anxiety was associated with undiagnosed Autism.. she is (recently) diagnosed. The big change for us was medication , she is now on Sertraline.

She’s not doing this “on purpose” so no amount of bribes or punishments will solve this.

…and the main thing …as a parent, stop worrying about attendance, exams and results. Education can be accessed at anytime, a young persons mental health is much more important. DD used her phone & computer to self-regulate & socialise … so I stopped “taking her electronics off her” (as many people will advise).

If she really can't manage despite a lot of intervention, I would contact the local authority and speak to the children missing from education team. They might be able to offer her access to a smaller specialised setting, tutoring or other alternatives.
If they aren't helpful you can sue them quite easily these days.
Post COVID EBSA is horrendous and it's not as simple as 'make them go'.

I wouldn't withhold her laptop.

I am sending unmumsnetty hugs, I know the trauma of having a daughter with EBSA. she ended up getting tier 2 mental health support (1 level below CAMHS) and being diagnosed with autism. She is now back attending full time and doing well after 2 horrendous years.
I can tell you that no amount of punishments would have achieved this. I also know the self doubt of this situation, people around you telling you to 'make her', assuming you're lax and she's playing up.

Don't let people fob you off, if school have put loads in place and she still can't cope, push for her to access a smaller settings, alternative provision etc.. I work in an area similar to this. Of you want to pm me I can send you some info that makes ght help x

Why would school be able to offer an explanation when she can't?

Where have I said I want school to offer an explanation?

Thank you. Can you message me?