To not give DD her main birthday present

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

DD is turning 13 on Friday. We are having massive issues with school attendance. She has anxiety but school have put so much in place to help her and she is still refusing to attend. I've tried to talk to her this morning to be met with silence. I've contacted school to ask for another meeting to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a laptop but am really thinking about holding it back. The lack of communication from her is very frustrating and it seems she's not even trying after all the help we've had. Last year was terrible too and I know she has some issues but I feel like I'm being taken for a ride sometimes and she doesn't deserve the laptop if she won't even speak to me. I am very understanding of her anxiety but she also has to help herself and not just hide in her bedroom.

That is an awful thing to even consider!!

You don’t buy someone something and then withhold it, just because they’re not acting exactly how you want them to act.

She obviously has a lot of issues and you are trying to punish her for it, which is disgusting.

I am not blaming her for how she feels!!!! I am trying to help my daughter be happy and live life instead of just existing. I don't think it's a punishment not giving her something. She will have other gifts.

"Take her to the GP. Ask for an autism assessment via Right to Choose. Also get her on the waiting list for open ended counselling. And stop blaming and punishing her for daring to be unwell."

This

Go to your GP ask them for a referral to the ASD assessment pathway. Get on your local authority website, find their EHC needs assessment request forms. Complete them.

And how will withholding presents help her?

I've just done an online consultation with the gp to request referral via right to choose. School have said an ehcp won't help as she's getting all the help they can offer except a TA and she might not even get one with an ehcp

And how can not having a laptop she's never had make her worse?

Because presumably you'll be telling her she's not getting it? Thus making her feel even more crap

How are you helping your daughter be happy and live life by not giving her the laptop?

You’ve said you don’t think she deserves it.
Why does she not deserve it?

Would you also be saying this if she was in a wheelchair and struggling to walk?

You are trying to punish her for something that isn’t her fault, which is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

Ignore what school say about the EHCP - the EHC needs assessment does just that - it assesses her needs. You will get some answers. And if the current school day they can’t do any more even with an EHCP maybe they can’t meet her needs and somewhere else would be suitable. No.1 rule - never assume the school knows what they’re talking about And/or aren’t just propping up the LA agenda to make sure as few kids as possible get EHCPs (which places a legal burden on the LA to actually provide what the kids need and therefore costs money)

You are blaming her though. Here are some phrases you used:

”she's not even trying”
So you think she should be able to fix her mental health condition by trying harder.

“I feel like I'm being taken for a ride”
So you think she’s taking the piss and isn’t genuinely struggling.

”she won't even speak to me”
So you think she is choosing to behave like this and could speak to you if she wanted to.

”she also has to help herself”
So you think she should be able to help herself.

I could continue but you get the gist. Your language is filled with blame, basically saying she’s causing this herself, she could fix it if she wanted to, and putting the responsibility of getting better onto her. Sometimes when people are unwell they CAN’T help themselves - they need someone else to help them. You wouldn’t expect her to fix appendicitis by herself, so why do you expect her to fix a mental health condition by herself?

Sorry to hear its not improving could you let her have the laptop with conditions e,g only allowed to use downstairs. Just keep trying to talk to her at least she knows you are there for her.

Well done, OP.

With an EHCP you might be able to look at alternative schooling, eg specialist schools - a mum friend was telling me about a school for children with autism/anxiety/school refusal which is tailored to supporting them to work at home and do small amounts of contact time.

Sounds extremely unfair to me.

Also - sorry if obvious and you've done this - have you been in touch with SENDIASS and/or IPSEA? They can support you with process for requesting EHCNA.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety

I can understand how you would feel, when trying to help and offer support. Seeing the school offer all this support and wanting an open discussion with her, but having her shut down, disengage and withdraw from any discussion. I do totally get how as a loving mother, you’d become frustrated as you just want her to be okay and from your point of view, everyone is giving her everything she needs, but she’s not willing to engage.

It’s hard, but you have to try and see things differently. She isn’t actively choosing not to engage, or not to help herself, or to ignore you. Anxiety is fear that is there to protect us. As much as anxiety is debilitating, it also makes you feel safe. When she’s silent, stuck in her room, not going to school, she feels safe. I agree with counselling being better than CBT, as you might get to the bottom of why she feels unsafe. If she doesn’t know anything about a laptop and hasn’t asked for one and wouldn’t realise whether you gave it or not, then don’t give it if you think it will keep her even more withdrawn. Although withholding it as some sort of punishment wouldn’t work, if she never knew she was getting one anyway.

If she’s asked for one or is expecting one and you withhold it, that could make things worse. Imagine that you feel unsafe doing something so you shut yourself away to protect yourself, then your own mother holds something over your head, giving you an ultimatum that you must go to these unsafe places and have the unsafe conversations or else you won’t get what you’ve asked for. She’ll probably go more into herself.

Withholding her laptop isn’t suddenly going to make her feel safe enough to open up to you and to go to school. All it’s going to do is damage your relationship and her perception of you. Have you tried writing her a letter telling her how much you love her and that you want to know how she’s feeling? Ask for her to write a letter back, or draw how she feels. Perhaps if she thinks a conversation with you will just be around school and her having to go in, then she doesn’t want to engage with that kind of conversation as she doesn’t want to go into school? Conversations around how she feels generally, might help. Writing a letter and sliding it under her door is less confrontational than coming in her room and trying to start up a conversation.

Sorry, that was long-winded and I’m by no means an expert, but just thinking out loud and trying to help. Shortened version - if she suspects or expects that she’s getting a laptop for her birthday, then give her the laptop.

A lot of school refusal and issues like you've described are due to ND. You need to get her assessed.

To a child with autism, the 'normal' expectations of life and school can just be too much and they need to shut down and shut everything out to cope at times. They're full of anxiety being in a world that makes little sense to them and that's where the school refusal comes from, the silence etc, it can feel to others that the autistic person just isn't trying.

My daughter was diagnosed with autism in year 8, after years if being told by school that she was too sensitive, needed to be more resilient and being diagnosed with anxiety. Without writing too much, as it's not my place to share my daughter personal medical information, things built up over the years and came to a head when she was 13. It seems a common age for the differences to really start being a problem with the increased expectations of secondary school.

Getting an EHCP, a assessment and diagnosis, demanding the school made reasonable adjustments (which required a lot of effort from us as schools are not keen) has improved things so much. There are still days when she can't go to school and just needs to be left alone but attendance is better and she's much happier now that she understands why she feels how she does. We've all had to make some changes.

Give her the laptop, her struggles don't deserve punishment. If she has autism or even if it's 'just' anxiety, she can't help it. She's not being 'naughty', it's not something she's choosing.

You need to reframe the narrative as why she wasn't able to attend school.

Punishing her is totally pointless.

Hey OP. I’ve got nothing on the gift / no gift. It probably won’t matter to her either way. Bless her , it sounds like she’s having a tough time.

But I do know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. We had this for months and months and it was horrible for everyone, OCD, anxiety, self harm, school refusal.

We had an assessment a few weeks ago and diagnosed ADHD ( inattentive) and high functioning autism. The school have always supported her ( even before diagnosis) but still, getting her in the gate was actually impossible a lot of the time.

One day though OP, she just went. She stopped fighting it and she went. We still have some hard days But I promise this will pass , it rarely continues forever. Hang in there.

We have an Early help meeting early next week. I've just spoken to school as they say when she is there she's full of smiles, enthusiasm and engages in lessons which puts them in a difficult position. Obviously she is masking but if school don't see her real feelings they can't stress differently when it come to assessments etc. I've told her it's so important not to hide how she feels at school but she says she doesn't want to be a problem. I've told her acting how she really feels at school won't make her a problem but will help her get more help! She's petrified of getting any detentions.

@Notfeelinghunkydory School know about all her absences though, which shows she’s not actually enthusiastic about being there?

Does she show any signs at school that might go unnoticed? We had a girl who would engage well in lessons, seem enthusiastic etc everything you’ve described but I noticed she would ask to go to toilet at certain points - if she got something wrong, if the class became noisier than usual, if I asked her a direct question? It made me adapt how I was teaching her, or how I approached a situation with her, as I realised she felt uncomfortable in certain instances and would withdraw to her safe space, which was the toilet. This could have easily gone unnoticed.

After I had a chat with her about how I can help her in lessons (she drew a lot or wrote me notes) she started to come in to speak with me during some lunch breaks. It then transpired that lunchtimes were hard for her as she found social interactions difficult. Again, I’d never have thought this, as she was always socialising with a group of girls whenever I was out on the playground. Surely the school must know about masking and the absences show she’s finding this increasingly difficult to uphold.

That’s appalling. I don’t understand what’s going through your head and I’d be ashamed if I was you. Your child is struggling so your view is she doesn’t deserve her gift

thats horrific.

Let me get this straight.

Your daughter has diagnosed anxiety disorder and you want to punish her.

Get in the bin

I've told them she must be masking but they can't lie on what they see in assessments. She goes into wellbeing at lunch and breaks with friends and knows she can speak to the staff in there but she doesn't and seems happy. They have seen her breakdown in meetings at school. She has a timeout card for lessons, leaves lessons 5 minutes early to miss the corridor rush and leaves 5 minutes early at the end of the day.

OK she will get everything and I'll head to the bin