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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did this really happen?! Why didn't I react?

139 replies

NCforthis23 · 09/10/2023 23:05

So today I was out shopping with DD who is a toddler and was in her pram.

We went to a large department store and got in the lift, an elderly couple got in. The lady took an immediate shine to DD and was trying to make her laugh.

The man positioned himself behind me and started rubbing my bum! I shifted forward away from him but said nothing and got out at the next floor.

I'm wracking my brains wondering why I did nothing. I feel ridiculous, I'm always so confident but I literally did nothing 😓

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 10/10/2023 06:29

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

It happened to me o the 1990s. I did care. Other people minimised it.

ThePoshUns · 10/10/2023 06:42

Report to the Police.
This is outrageous, if he can do this in his wife's presence what is he capable of on his own?

MaybeYouRanWithWolves · 10/10/2023 06:42

We weren't different in 1990 @R37sraY though the culture around sexual harassment certainly was. Interested to know if you think society was better when men felt more free to grope women and women felt less able to complain about it, and why that is?

OP, we're conditioned to be nice and not make a fuss. There's a strong impulse not to offend or upset someone, a survival and protective impulse, a strong desire to deny and minimise that an unpleasant thing really is happening to you. Your instinct took over to get you quietly out of a bad situation without making risking a confrontation and things escalating. I'm very sorry it happened to you, but nothing about it was your fault at all so don't feel bad about your normal reaction.

ThePoshUns · 10/10/2023 06:45

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 00:03

Oh stop it. I'm not justifying it. Im Asking could it have been a mistake ! I once had an awkward moment where I thought I was stroking my cat but it was my friends leg

The amount of sex offenders I've dealt with who 'were only tickling her' then must have ' accidentally touched her breasts'
No. Not a mistake.
OP your reaction is normal.

Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 06:52

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 23:50

Did he think he was stroking the baby ?

Of course he didn't. How could he mistake OP's bum for a baby in a pram FFS?

Sorry this happened to you, OP. it is assault. Do report it, and try to get cctv from the store if you can.

Eddielizzard · 10/10/2023 06:57

Disbelief, and trying to work out whether it's not what you think it is, and then shock. We're also taught not to make a scene. So sorry, it's really horrible.

Yes he may have dementia but that doesn't make it right.

TicTac80 · 10/10/2023 06:58

OP you must have either been in shock, or maybe you were trying to compute whether it was actually happening, and that's why you froze. I'm so angry that this happened to you. See if you can contact the store (maybe they have CCTV) and report it. IF the man has dementia/a delerium and his judgement is clouded/he genuinely didn't understand what he was doing, then that can be addressed to prevent similar situations happening again. If he doesn't, then hopefully some action can be taken.

I'm also shocked at what someone had said about being different in 1990. I was 10 then, but I remember only 3yrs later waiting for the school bus with my friends and reams of disgusting men beeping their cars/vans, and eyeing us up/leering at us as if we were there for them to perv over. I remember workmen catcalling us and the general street harassment we used to get from men old enough to be our fathers and grandfathers. None of us liked it, and we were young teenagers FFS. I also remember the guys who used to feel us up when we went to bars/clubs in our late teens, as if it was their right to touch us uninvited. Disgusting bastards, the lot of them. I really hope that this sort of shit doesn't happen now: I've got a 10yr old daughter.

Also OP (and others), thank you for speaking up about this on here. It's reminded me of how I felt when I was young. I am going to find ways of talking about this to my kids (17 and 10) and make sure that they know how to act if they're ever confronted with this situation.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 10/10/2023 06:58

What's to say this couple weren't working in tandem? Very unpleasant thought, but a possibility. If you feel up to it OP, contact the police. They will be able to request the CCTV if it exists.

mollyfolk · 10/10/2023 07:04

Don’t beat yourself up about your reaction. This is 100% the old perverts fault- you were in shock. A similar thing happened to me on a crowded bus. I got such a shock and within seconds the bus stops and the doors opened and I just got off as quick as I could. I am a confident person most of the time but it was one of those situations where I thought of all the best things to do later!

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/10/2023 07:14

Although the assault is the main thing here, there is a possibility that they were also trying to pickpocket you. The wife engaging in conversation with you and the husband trying to see if you had anything to nick.

1month · 10/10/2023 07:20

mollyfolk · 10/10/2023 07:04

Don’t beat yourself up about your reaction. This is 100% the old perverts fault- you were in shock. A similar thing happened to me on a crowded bus. I got such a shock and within seconds the bus stops and the doors opened and I just got off as quick as I could. I am a confident person most of the time but it was one of those situations where I thought of all the best things to do later!

I completely agree with this.

This happened to me on the tube and I wished I’d done something as he was being very obvious with it, but I just froze.

You did nothing wrong and it’s completely normal to be in shock and not grasp what’s happening in the moment.
Its only afterwards you realise how unacceptable it was.

When similar things that happened since, I have moved away straight away or asked them to give me space.
So if you ever do have it happen again you know you’ll be more prepared now.

I don’t know what you can do about it now.
There is a concern that they were working together as a pair and so perhaps you could log it with the store you were in, especially if they’ve had other reports.

I would suggest logging it with the police but without names it’s going to be quite difficult for them to do anything about it.

1month · 10/10/2023 07:20

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/10/2023 07:14

Although the assault is the main thing here, there is a possibility that they were also trying to pickpocket you. The wife engaging in conversation with you and the husband trying to see if you had anything to nick.

Yes very true!

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 07:27

I would think that the man had dementia.

Liv999 · 10/10/2023 07:34

BashfulClam · 10/10/2023 01:29

Yes we did care. It’s sexual assault. When it happened to me in the 90’s I did care a lot. I was getting off a train and as we shuffled down the aisle a creep grabbed my arse. I grabbed his hand and held it in the air and shouted ‘has anyone lost this, I just found it stuck to my arse!’ Hope it put him off doing it again!

Show quote history

Brilliant!

ilovesushi · 10/10/2023 07:37

That's awful! You had a completely normal human reaction to a threatening situation. Please don't beat yourself up about it. What a horrible horrible man.

Vocaladvocaat · 10/10/2023 07:39

Freeze reaction to protect you from danger. I used to have this then took up martial arts. After practicing the same moves for 8 years the attack reaction is now stronger.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/10/2023 07:53

I froze when it happened to me, I was 19.
A man behind me at a bus stop shoved his hand up my skirt and between my legs. I was so shocked I couldn’t take in what had happened. I was shaken by it and didn't get on the same bus as him. I waited for the next one. I should have confronted him but just wanted to get away from him.

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 07:55

Shock, confusion and the fact his wife was being nice to your baby- makes it harder for you to embarrass him by calling him out. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 07:57

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 07:27

I would think that the man had dementia.

Nah, he picked his moment too well.

Guys who grope woman don’t stop being guys who grope women just because they get older.

Handcreamqueen · 10/10/2023 08:02

Whilst I agree it’s absolutely shocking I also wonder if the man has dementia?
My lovely mum has Alzheimer’s and is starting to show some very very out of character behaviours, things she would never have dreamed of doing when well.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 10/10/2023 08:08

I'm so sorry you went through this OP💐
For the person saying they didn't care in the 90s: I was 14 in the 80s, I was pushed up against a wall and groped by 2 boys in their late teens. Then they laughed at me for looking scared. Months later I got up the courage to tell a teacher. She just laughed at me and asked me if the boys were in my imagination. I certainly cared about what happened and it shouldn't ever be minimised.

mondaytosunday · 10/10/2023 08:09

Confusion, embarrassment, feeling vulnerable...
I was touched up when I was about 22 on a jam packed tube. I literally could not move away from this guy. I just got off at the next stop and though I still remember it clearly just accepted it was one of those things that happens. I think now at 60 I'd be much more confident to say something but much less likely to happen I guess. I'd scream bloody murder if I witnessed someone doing it to my 18 year old daughter!
I also didn't say or do anything when I felt someone trying to open my handbag - I could feel the vibration of someone opening the zip. Back then I just pulled the bag in front of me - now I'd call them out.

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 08:10

Handcreamqueen · 10/10/2023 08:02

Whilst I agree it’s absolutely shocking I also wonder if the man has dementia?
My lovely mum has Alzheimer’s and is starting to show some very very out of character behaviours, things she would never have dreamed of doing when well.

Exactly my point. I was badly sexually assaulted by an elderly man with dementia in full public view on a hospital ward. He died a few hours later so there was nothing I could do about it.

Snoken · 10/10/2023 08:10

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

I think the fact that you still remember it 30 years later means you did indeed care.

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:11

Sorry that happened to you, you weren’t at fault for being caught by surprise.

You could ask the police to investigate, give the pervy old codger a scare.