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Original poster

Did this really happen?! Why didn't I react?

139 replies

NCforthis23 · 09/10/2023 23:05

So today I was out shopping with DD who is a toddler and was in her pram.

We went to a large department store and got in the lift, an elderly couple got in. The lady took an immediate shine to DD and was trying to make her laugh.

The man positioned himself behind me and started rubbing my bum! I shifted forward away from him but said nothing and got out at the next floor.

I'm wracking my brains wondering why I did nothing. I feel ridiculous, I'm always so confident but I literally did nothing 😓

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 10/10/2023 00:24

I'm so sorry you experienced this Op, what a horrible violation in a confined space.
I completely understand your reaction to freeze. I've been in a very similar situation before, and I think I wanted to shield the wife? It kind of felt like I could get away from it quickly, but she would need to face an awful situation on her own?

I don't know if I'm explaining it right. I hope it makes sense.

Also hope you're ok.

FictionalCharacter · 10/10/2023 00:24

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 23:50

Did he think he was stroking the baby ?

Is it likely that OP’s arse cheeks were in the pram?

Bollockypiddle · 10/10/2023 00:25

I'm not sure it was irrational as such. Freeze is a naturally protective state against making a threatening or harmful situation potentially worse. You got you and your daughter to safety without anything escalating at the soonest possible time. If your daughter was unaware of the incident occurring, you've shielded her from it and maintained her innocence.

Now you are both in safety, you can start to process it, and take action (if you wish) to right the injustice by reporting it.

EtiennePalmiere · 10/10/2023 00:27

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 23:50

Did he think he was stroking the baby ?

Now I've heard it all 😂

FictionalCharacter · 10/10/2023 00:31

FictionalCharacter · 10/10/2023 00:24

Is it likely that OP’s arse cheeks were in the pram?

Show quote history

And why did you name change so soon after coming onto this thread?

Museya15 · 10/10/2023 00:40

What an old perv, report it. It happened to me in the 90s, lots of times, it was unacceptable and vile but there was nothing you could do.

Canisaysomething · 10/10/2023 00:47

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 00:03

Oh stop it. I'm not justifying it. Im Asking could it have been a mistake ! I once had an awkward moment where I thought I was stroking my cat but it was my friends leg

Either this is a wind up or your friend has a seriously hairy leg!

JambalayaOrGumbo · 10/10/2023 01:13

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

It happened to me back in the 90s - standing at a checkout and a creep went past me and rubbed up against me - the shock of it caused me to call him a dirty bastard out loud - he just kept walking, but people looked at him. It was quite shocking - no matter what decade it happened (what a stupid thing to say R37sraY!)

smilesup · 10/10/2023 01:18

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

We fucking weren't

LuciaPillson · 10/10/2023 01:26

Honestly, who hasn't fondled up and down a friend's leg thinking it was some kind of long naked jointed horror cat thing? Who hasn't crept up behind a lady on a lift and grabbed her backside under the impression that this is where the strokeable babies live? And now I'm scaring myself a little.

Seriously though, OP, a lot of people have frozen in shock, distress, shame, confusion or fear, and have a need to seem polite or behave well in this sort of situation. The sudden unexpected transgression of normal boundaries leads to a sort of cognitive dissonance. I think predators rely on this to get away with things. Very sorry it happened to you.

BashfulClam · 10/10/2023 01:29

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

Yes we did care. It’s sexual assault. When it happened to me in the 90’s I did care a lot. I was getting off a train and as we shuffled down the aisle a creep grabbed my arse. I grabbed his hand and held it in the air and shouted ‘has anyone lost this, I just found it stuck to my arse!’ Hope it put him off doing it again!

rubydoobydoo · 10/10/2023 01:36

You really do just freeze in these situations - it is just so unexpected.

When I was younger I went to the 24 hour garage to get a sandwich as I was feeling a bit peckish. The main door was closed and I went to the hatch, the lad said I could go in and opened the door - I figured he thought it would be easier for me to choose my own sandwich so went in and did so - took it to the till and he put both his hands on my breasts.

I didn't say anything at all. I just paid for my sandwich and left. Got home, felt horrible about it and rang my friend who persuaded me to call the police who went and arrested him - it was on CCTV.

But I still can't believe I didn't do anything or didn't even say anything. I would do now but only because of that experience.

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/10/2023 01:40

In my teens I was walking down steps into the underground and a man slid his hand up my skirt to my crotch and laughed when I swore at him. That was in the 90s.

If it happened now I would definitely have reported it because he was a disgusting sexual predator.

Having said that, I have not been scarred by the incident although I was really fucking angry. With so much CCTV these days we need to call these perverts out whenever we can.

lemmein · 10/10/2023 02:10

Fuck, men are vile.

Sorry this happened to you OP. I think most would freeze in that situation - I certainly have in the past. It's like your brain can't quite comprehend what is happening when, what should be a perfectly polite encounter, turns into a sinister assault - it's jarring.

So fucking sick of this bullshit tbh - you're not even safe shopping with your baby ffs!! I hope you're ok Flowers

Blueink · 10/10/2023 02:23

Sorry this happened to you, you have done nothing wrong, it’s a normal ‘freeze’ response but please report, there is likely CCTV evidence and you could help prevent further assaults.

TyrannasaurusJex · 10/10/2023 02:31

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

How dare you minimise this with that kind of Daily Mail induced drivel, "everything was great back in the day when men were men and women were assaulted and were happy about it" attitude.
I promise that plenty of people were deeply affected by being sexually assaulted in the 90's, and even of they weren't, that has literally zero to do with OP's situation and how she feels about it.
Please feel free to say nothing in the future if you're not going to say something helpful.

drhf · 10/10/2023 02:32

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/10/2023 01:40

In my teens I was walking down steps into the underground and a man slid his hand up my skirt to my crotch and laughed when I swore at him. That was in the 90s.

If it happened now I would definitely have reported it because he was a disgusting sexual predator.

Having said that, I have not been scarred by the incident although I was really fucking angry. With so much CCTV these days we need to call these perverts out whenever we can.

That happened to me too, in 1992 (same pervert?). I did report it to the police (BTP, not the Met). They took it seriously, having me work with a sketch artist and calling me in for an ID parade, but their suspect wasn’t him. It was an offence then and it’s an offence now.

Reporting is never easy, but OP if you can, report him: he will have done this many times, and you might just help catch him before he does it again, or worse.

Mothership4two · 10/10/2023 02:47

I think you had a pretty normal response OP.

I have had similar in the 1980s and 1990s and clammed up but I did care and was very shocked and then annoyed at myself.

BMrs · 10/10/2023 02:50

Something similar happened to me at work and I totally froze too. I'm not one to mince my words either but I was it total shock and was scared I'd got the situation wrong

YireosDodeAver · 10/10/2023 02:58

Freezing is a normal reaction. You are in shock and the subconscious mind is balancing risks and given that you were trapped and neither flight nor fight were an option, the next best option in the presence of a predator is to stay perfectly still and hope the predator gets distracted by a different, moving target.

You have been assaulted, it is a crime. You did nothing wrong. Report it right away. The store will have cctv footage and the police should be able to find and prosecute the predator.

BusterGonad · 10/10/2023 03:14

When I was 19 I worked in a supermarket, one day whilst bending over and loading a trolly/cage one of the middle aged workers ran his finger up my back, from my bottom to neck, and made some comment. I was utterly shocked and scared. I also remember thinking that I should've got my dress in the same up as maybe it's too tight. It wasn't at all. I was blaming myself for a man old enough to be my dad not being able to control himself. I didn't tell anyone except my dad, unfortunately he didn't do anything either, I was hoping he would speak to him as he drove me to work at the weekend. Looking back (25 years ago) I should have said something at the time, or told the manager. BUT hindsight is a wonderful thing, and at the time I was just so scared. Instead I avoided him and was scared of him for the rest of the time I worked there.

BusterGonad · 10/10/2023 03:15

*size

BusterGonad · 10/10/2023 03:17

What I'm saying is, don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up over not reacting. You didn't expect some man to rub your bottom. Your brain was confused. You wanted to flee to safety. You got out if the lift in one piece.

Coffeetree · 10/10/2023 04:03

Because you were in a sealed metal cage with your baby and a psychopath. Your instincts kicked in to get you and your baby out of the situation ASAP.

Do report it to the police OP. As people say, there's often cctv in lifts. It'll be healing for you to see how seriously they take it.

LuckyPeonies · 10/10/2023 04:04

Not trying to defend the perpetrator at all, but you wrote he was “elderly”. Based on what I remember reading in an article about dementia, inappropriate behavior (including sexual) toward others is a symptom. Perhaps that was the case. Or perhaps he was just a disgusting perv. Either way, he needs consequences for his behavior.