Can someone explain how a parent could not invite their child on holiday?

[Tunisbaby]

I just don't get it. How could any parent invite one of their biological children, not the other? How does that thought process go? 'What about... DS1... nah'
I could never ever imagine forgetting to invite my child or thinking about booking one child place and not even giving a second thought to enquiring with the other parent.
I get kid free holidays completely. But choosing to only be a parent to one child for the week when you have a seven year old at home is just bizarre.
Can any parents explain why this is ever thought to be ok?

Hi @clappyjay

Yes, same dad.
DSD lives with her mother primarily. We have her for most of school holidays and do fun outings with her when we have her.

DH does not take DSD on separate holidays 1:1.

We have been overseas a couple of times with only our DC (young) and not taken DSD as she was at school.
No issues.
However we do not mention our trips away in front of her as we would never want to make her feel left out (even though we do trips without her).

If we go somewhere like Disneyland then we would take both the children.

For the posters who say they have different configurations of who goes on holiday depending on the type of holiday, have they missed the fact that this dad seems to do nothing with his first DC, but seems an active dad with his second child. This holiday probably just highlights the difference in treatment, and is shit

I don't disagree. I just think our idea of the consequences of that decision may be a little different.

I chose to be with a man with older children. I don't think that means I can never take my/our child away without DSC. I do think it means my husband may choose not to join us though and I accept that.

I don't think it's at all the same as saying would I leave one of my bio kids behind because they were in school and the other wasn't as a PP presented to me. Of course its not the same because I don't have two bio DCs. My husband does, so he's the one who can either come or not come, his choice. But I'm not going to base every decision I make personally on what I'd do if I had two kids when I don't. The consequence of being with a man with other DC is that I accept he may need to make decisions that have an affect on me (I.e. not coming away with DSC), but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing it every time either.

I also don't think it means I should consider myself jointly financially responsible for husbands older DC. I do think it means I need to accept my husband may not have as much disposable income as I do because he has more children.

And so on..

@clappyjay
DH/we would take both children to the same places if both children lived with us full time.

As DSD does not, that is not possible.

I care for DSD and treat her well when she is under my care, but no, I do not need to account for her as my own child in every respect.

@crumblingschools
Agree, the father should make an effort with all his children.

It just seems some posters think that the new woman is entitled to have the same experience as a couple who have had one baby together and don’t have previous children. She isn’t, she’s chosen to be somebody who has a child already and like I said their baby has had an older sibling from the beginning, her partner has two kids he needs to treat equally, there are implications for finances etc because he now has two children he is responsible for.

My DP cannot treat his DP equally, because he lives with 2 and not the other. There will be many differences that there would not be if he lived with them all. It's up to the individual to decide which differences they are comfortable with, and which they aren't. For some, that will include going on holidays during the time they are not with them, in the same way they do many other things in the time they aren't with them, and for others it won't. There is no one size fits all or existing set of rules.

My life would be very different if my DP didn't have a child, in many ways. That does not mean it is written in law that we can never go away anywhere without him.

I do sympathise with the children who have two separated parents and two households (or more?!)

All the adults should try to be kind and considerate of them.

But their experiences cannot be identical with all the step/half siblings in different households.

You also wouldn’t expect your step parent to pay for your holiday / school fees / inheritance / maintenance. Only your bio parents have this obligation.

It’s naive in the extreme to think that two siblings with different mothers or fathers will live equal and identical lives at all times.

That’s just not how it works. There will be things you do with your DC only, but for some reason it’s an issue when the DF
does the same.

They don’t live in suspended animation when the DC is with the other parent.

This is the problem though with trying to jam a blended family into the mould of a nuclear one.
This is the crux of the issue.

A blended family isn't going to be the same as a nuclear one. They're just not the same and the adults all have different circumstances.

Each child has two parents and if they split up then the family circumstances will change. The parents have a responsibility to be fair and equitable towards their children, that doesn't mean all children across two blended families need to be treated identically.

If one of the parents is being obviously unfair in life (like playing happy families with new partner, new baby and new partner's children whilst ignoring their own children) then they're being a shitty parent. The holidays are irrelevant.

Exactly. I think sometimes the "everything must be identical/ equal all of the time" brigade make things 10x worse.

If you're kicking off with your child's other parent because he took his "new" children to the aquarium when yours were with you for the weekend for example, you're going to make it seem to your child like it's a problem when really it isn't.

If you're kicking off with your child's other parent because he took his "new" children to the aquarium when yours were with you for the weekend for example, you're going to make it seem to your child like it's a problem when really it isn't.

This underlies so many of these threads, alongside how the new wife doesn’t ‘deserve’ the experience she wants and should live a life of servitude.

@yogasaurus when posters are talking about children being treated equally we are not referring to them leading identical lives. More, they both get the same amount of money spent on them at birthdays and christmasses. If you're going to shell out money on one child and treat them to a holiday, other children from previous relationships also need to be at least invited. It goes without saying that they're not going tp have identical lives. The op has outlined a situation where her child is being actively discriminated against and i know from being friends with and being the partner of such more or less forgottem children that it impacts them. No matter how kuch new wives and dads try to convince themselves that surely it's implausible that both children get treated equally. You can sense the attitude on here towards children from previous relationships when expressions like 'cart around' get used. Children are very much aware that this is how they are seen.

Just on the point of presents - no doesn’t have to be an identical amount.

I am happy to have gotten DSD a new iPad. She is older.

I am happy that my own younger DC has second hand toys from vinted. It doesn’t matter. He is getting enjoyment out of it.

And no, they don’t need to be invited if it’s not suitable. Eg term time.

However wouldn’t want to actively make any child feel bad.

Everyone has to have a bed though. You don’t pay for a lodge and put as many people as you like in it. That was in the 80s. It has to be the right size for the number of guests, under 1s are free I think.

My parents want to send gifts/money for my DC. They definitely don’t need to do the same for a child unrelated to them.

Christmas and the amount of money spent is also a silly idea. I wouldn't even expect equal amounts in a nuclear family when you have children of differing ages.

My DSC got a phone last year that cost upwards of £600. Should I have spent £600 on our 3 year old? Or should we have said no you can't have a phone DSC because we only spent £80 on your sibling so that's all you're getting too.

Older children tend to be more expensive that small ones. I imagine that's the same scenario for tonnes of families up and down the country with an age gap.

Then you have the situations in a blended family like, for example, my parents who may get our child a more expensive gift than DSC. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, DSC have grandparents themselves who spoil them just as much as my parents do our child.

Again, it's not all going to be equal.

Sorry I didn’t quote the person saying the boy wouldn’t make a difference to the accommodation/cost.

@yogasaurus yes it’s like the new family should be punished because the ex is being a bit nicer to them than he was to the ex wife and kids- which I don’t think is fair at all.

I think everyone basically agrees that there should be an effort to achieve fairness to all the kids, but I think where people disagree is whether that means that the children from the first partner have to be involved in every activity in all cases. Personally I think it’s not, and there are other ways to achieve being fair (just as there are in non blended families) and it’s down to all of the adults to achieve that, the best way they can, with the resources they’ve got. It sounds like the dad might not be doing that here very well, but that’s an issue for him not his new partner.

Each child should have the same amount spent on them by their father. However, if the holiday is being paid for by the new partner or if the new baby is young enough for a "babies go free" deal but the older child isn't then the amount being spent by the father on the younger child is zero.

@Plaplablah I think it's obviously understandable if a toddler year gets less money spent on them then a 16 year old but i'm referring to situations where there is only a few years difference between a sibling but the child from the previous relationship gets treated like an afterthought. Some real examples, child from new relationship gets multiple presents for Christmas and an expensive new camera. Child from previous relationship gets some guitar strings. Child from new relationship gets given money to go travelling, 'afterthought' child gets nothing. 'New' child gets lots of help to buy first car. 'afterthought' child doesn't even get a lift to view the car. The list goes on and on. Nothing like a parent desperately trying to spend 600 pounds on their toddler to match the older siblong's phone or whatever. Got nothing to do with the unfairness the OP is raising and others here.

Take on the man, take on the children. Anything else is a disservice.

Very telling that you don't say 'take on the man OR woman'.

The man needs to take on his own his own children, not palm them off to new wife.

if you aren't the resident parent, you have every right to expect a nuclear family experience with you, your partner and your children.

Your lives can't revolve around a child who does not live with you, and it isn't fair on your child to not do anything with them unless the stepchild is invited.

Yes, you marry someone with kids, there is the expectation that when visitation is happening that the child be included in your plans, but that is as far as it should go.

If my ex decided to move in with his current GF and her kids, i'd be pretty pissed off if my weekends were being constantly disrupted by him taking them out every time his GF wanted to take her kids somewhere.

This is why really blended families do not work unless its a scenario where all children live in the same home I.e. one parent isn't involved anymore. There will always be inequalities and frictions imo.

This ^

I think too many men seem happy to leave their first family behind and move onto a new one without giving a shit. And too many women are keen to get involved with them and have children with them without giving any thought to how it will pan out. And quite often neither party seems to give a shit about how those first children will feel.

It is because on those times my remaining children would go to their dads.

I have been in this situation also. From that of a parent whose children’s father would go away with his new wife and her children and not with ours at the same time.
why shouldn’t a stepmother have the same opportunity to go away on holiday with her husband and children. They would see their dad 3 out of 4 weekends, we also split the holiday’s. I hated it and missed them but court ordered.

wh she met him the arrangement had been in place for years. Why should another mother be expected to meet her husband and because of our children- she no longer has the same freedom as before.

Yhr stepmom is a just that a stepmom to your children and a mother to her own. She is entitled to have her own chance at creating a little family unit too.

i loved when he went away as I was able to plan/surprised with extra time to be with my children.
I absolutely respected her for the time she was expected to just quietly change her life. She had her own child, was a nurse and worked 4 nights a week to see her child. It’s ridiculous and utterly selfish of me to then expect her to have no time to relax
yet I did and her dad did. Ive also been the stepmother as well.
I think the ‘scorned past’ springs to mind through this thread. As though the OP just wants to make it seem as though her poor child has just been abandoned.
the post was misleading to start- the child lives with her and goes on a weekend. So change them around as I assume if she was going away she would not accommodate the other parent. She gets an extra weekend period with her child. The child wouldn’t have probably have noticed unless Dramatic Overtones have been playing out around the child.
The OH post, reads just as she probably tells people, As though a mix and match new family of mum, dad and stepkids etc who live together 24/7 as a nuclear family have said to her child. You aren’t coming.
Ridiculous.

This post just seems to a way to vilify a step mum who wants her holiday too.

Always putting on the step mum.
at the end of the day it’s the ex husband only who has an obligation to do a damn think. Just as the mother.