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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dd to go to Amsterdam with someone she has only known a few months?

143 replies

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 18:55

DD is 19 and has known a guy for 3 months and they’re already booked to go to Amsterdam over Halloween. She has never been away apart from with us and was planning to arrange a trip with her best friend which we were all for but we are now super uncomfortable she has opted for this instead. AIBU or are my feelings justified!?

OP posts:

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/10/2023 21:00

Amsterdam is lovely, but I hope she's got plenty of money because it's become VERY expensive.

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 21:01

ThePoshUns · 09/10/2023 20:37

Get a grip.
When my son was 19 he flew to Australia on his own and went back packing.
She's an adult now.

Bully for him. You do realise that not all 19 year olds are as self confident as your son?

DD went to Paris with her boyfriend at 17 for her 18th birthday and went interrailing at 18 with him, but I am very well aware that not all 19 year olds are this self-assured.

@Bluepals ignore all the smug parents like the above poster who think their superior paarenting skills are better than yours. I hope your DD enjoys her weekend away.

ExtinguishTheLight · 09/10/2023 21:03

Mushrooms really aren't that much of a big deal. They won't kill you. They might make her feel a bit nauseous but in all likelihood she'll do no more than end up laughing herself silly over some ordinary occurrence.

It's not your place to vet her boyfriends. It's her decision who she dates. She doesn't have to introduce him to you. And since you're clearly very judgemental and, from the sounds of it, overbearing, I wouldn't introduce you to a boyfriend either.

We will all worry about our children for the rest of our lives. But that doesn't mean we should be trying to cage them into adulthood.

Rewis · 09/10/2023 21:04

Has op actually said she wants forbid the daughter from going? I thought the aibu was of she's being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable.

MN has been a weird place. Between the eoman eho absolutely should get her tits out to her bf wethet she wants to or not. And mom should be thrilled about about this situation 🤷🏼‍♀️

cartagenagina · 09/10/2023 21:05

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 21:01

Bully for him. You do realise that not all 19 year olds are as self confident as your son?

DD went to Paris with her boyfriend at 17 for her 18th birthday and went interrailing at 18 with him, but I am very well aware that not all 19 year olds are this self-assured.

@Bluepals ignore all the smug parents like the above poster who think their superior paarenting skills are better than yours. I hope your DD enjoys her weekend away.

Edited

Show quote history

That’s a bit harsh on that poster @RampantIvy

The OPs DD is very clearly confident enough to travel, as that is what she has decided to do. I’m sure we can all think of 19 year olds with anxiety or other issues, but that doesn’t appear to be the case here

@Bluepals if your DD is at sixth form she’s probably getting offered drugs on a weekly basis.

Alstroemeria123 · 09/10/2023 21:05

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 21:01

Bully for him. You do realise that not all 19 year olds are as self confident as your son?

DD went to Paris with her boyfriend at 17 for her 18th birthday and went interrailing at 18 with him, but I am very well aware that not all 19 year olds are this self-assured.

@Bluepals ignore all the smug parents like the above poster who think their superior paarenting skills are better than yours. I hope your DD enjoys her weekend away.

Edited

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound like the OP’s daughter is worried about the travelling though, just the OP.

What OP’s daughter wants to do seems perfectly normal to me, as is the not introducing boyfriends to your parents for a while. Lots of 19 year olds will be away at university (so you wouldn’t know who they are spending time with, or where they are), some even in different countries!

inquisitiveinga · 09/10/2023 21:06

Seriously, chill out. You'll push her away if you share this with her, too (exactly what my parents did to me).

You cannot control her, she's going to make many more life choices in future that are much more serious and that you may not agree with.

If you voice your worries she'll just want to do it/rebel all the more.

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 21:09

as is the not introducing boyfriends to your parents for a while

I was pretty open with my parents about who I was seeing, as was DD, so it does come across as odd to me to keep the boyfriend a secret.

Twospaniels · 09/10/2023 21:11

My friend’s daughter at 19 met a guy in a club and 3 days later flew out to Dubai and spent 3 weeks with him (he was competing in a sport). they are still together now - 10 years later.

Let your daughter go with her boyfriend.

ThePoshUns · 09/10/2023 21:11

@RampantIvy , I am not smug at all.
My son had made some mistakes along the way.
However they are his mistakes , he has learned from them and we have been there when he needed us.
What I haven't done is dictated how he lives his life.

Alstroemeria123 · 09/10/2023 21:14

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 21:09

as is the not introducing boyfriends to your parents for a while

I was pretty open with my parents about who I was seeing, as was DD, so it does come across as odd to me to keep the boyfriend a secret.

Some people are just more private than others, I guess.

I know when I was that age no one I knew introduced boyfriends to parents until you were practically at the point of living together.

AlohaRose · 09/10/2023 21:18

In general, I wouldn’t have any problem with a 19-year-old adult going away with someone she has known for only a few months. However, never mind you meeting him, if you say your daughter met this guy online has SHE actually met him in real life? I don’t think your daughter is likely to get kidnapped, sold into white slavery, forced to take drugs or anything like that, but she doesn’t know this guy very well. She may not have quite the fun time that she imagines if she discovers that they have a completely different idea of how the weekend should go.

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 21:19

I know when I was that age no one I knew introduced boyfriends to parents until you were practically at the point of living together.

When I was living at home we couldn't afford to go out all the time so it was quite usual to spend time at each other's houses. This was also the case when DD had a boyfriend when she was at school.

MammaTo · 09/10/2023 21:20

I think id be a bit more concerned over “dropping” her friend so to speak. Maybe if you’re worried try and angle the conversation to more of a “oh what hapoened to going away with X” and that she shouldn’t drop her friend for a new partner.
In terms of going to Amsterdam and drugs - they’re just as easy to get hold of here and they are there so it’s one of them really.

Alstroemeria123 · 09/10/2023 21:24

When I was living at home we couldn't afford to go out all the time so it was quite usual to spend time at each other's houses.

That might be the difference. At 19 I was at university and living away, as were my friends. And afterwards we’d meet at people’s flatshares / in parks / drive around, definitely not meeting at parents’ homes most of the time.

Millybob · 09/10/2023 21:47

Gosh, no - not before she's 30, and only then if she's very mature for her age and you've vetted her friend.
I hope she's not planning on going to the cinema by herself any time soon?

1month · 09/10/2023 22:07

Has she ever met him?

YANBU to feel worried but she is an adult and there is literally nothing you can do to stop it.

Tell her you’re worried and ask her to appease you by taking a credit card/spare cash and an extra cheap phone with credit and your number on, that he doesn’t know about.

So if there is an emergency then she’ll be able to get a taxi and hotel and contact you.

I’m sure she’ll be absolutely fine but I completely understand your worries.

nokidshere · 09/10/2023 22:34

Well yes....but that's not what has happened.

Neither us nor the OP know that

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