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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to Amsterdam with someone she has only known a few months?

143 replies

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 18:55

DD is 19 and has known a guy for 3 months and they’re already booked to go to Amsterdam over Halloween. She has never been away apart from with us and was planning to arrange a trip with her best friend which we were all for but we are now super uncomfortable she has opted for this instead. AIBU or are my feelings justified!?

OP posts:
Goldfish41 · 09/10/2023 20:07

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

We have all been 19! This is a completely normal thing to be doing, it’s actually more unusual that you know this much about what she is doing at the age of 19. If she was off at uni or travelling then you wouldn’t know any of the people she was hanging around with or the things she was doing.

She is an adult at 19 OP. She doesn’t have to get your approval or tell you anything, and if you try to control her she probably won’t talk to you about these things anymore. Then you won’t even be able to offer any guidance/advice, which is all you should be doing.

roundofapplause · 09/10/2023 20:07

How would you feel OP if it was a female friend she'd met at work/college/sixth form just 3 months ago? Would you be so worried?

I can understand your anxiety over it but maybe just reframe it as others have said. She'll have a wonderful time and will be safe.

Could you maybe turn on the find my iPhone feature just so you can check in if you don't hear back from her and are worried? Could be a settling compromise.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2023 20:08

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

My dd is 15. I cannot imagine a situation, where I wouldn’t support her going away with a bf to Amsterdam at 19. I had been on holiday 3 times by this age and was away at university, having sex (including a few ons), getting drunk and so forth.

BuffaloBelinda · 09/10/2023 20:08

OP hasn't said she's said anything to her daughter, just that she has concerns.

Yes she has. She said she had tried to put her daughter off from going.

As an aside, I've had four nineteen year olds. I've got one.

ThelmaBorden · 09/10/2023 20:10

Oblomov23 · 09/10/2023 19:52

My ds1 has just got back from USA. It would never occur to me ti be concerned about a 19 year old travelling. Unless she's got some sort of SN. Or is incredibly immature. Is she?

I did wonder this - as though a boyfriend and a holiday abroad is a rebellious
phase, at 19, no response to the wondering if the daughter still lives at home?

My own daughter at 17/half moved to another city for Uni with her bf - they too spent a long weekend in Amsterdam, dealt with passports, insurance etc themselves, its part of being a ‘ grown up ‘ isn’t it?
they sent us all v v funny pics., had a great time.
I cannot imagine what would happen or be said if I attempted to clip her wings -
well I do actually, she would have gone anyway ! and I would have admired her for it.

UncleOrinocosFlow · 09/10/2023 20:10

LlynTegid · 09/10/2023 20:02

My understanding is that in Amsterdam there is now a sterner view taken on non-Dutch people going to 'coffeeshops', and so your DD and especially her boyfriend may be disappointed if that's the purpose of their visit.

In Amsterdam, anyone can visit them. In the south you have to be able to prove that you’re a resident of NL. It’s to stop people who live just over the border.

Shrooms haven’t been legal for many years though (as I said upthread).

cartagenagina · 09/10/2023 20:11

YANBU OP.

You should probably insist on going with them as chaperone…

Or you could stop being so ridiculous. DS went to Berlin with a brand new GF aged 16. DD went to Amsterdam age 18 with a bunch of friends. She looked like shit when she got back, but she had a wonderful time in the museums and galleries.

You sound really overbearing.

Lavender14 · 09/10/2023 20:11

I think op, you aren't unreasonable to be nervous about your child (who is an adult) going abroad.. but I think you know you've no real say in this. So why not make it something constructive. Talk to her about what she'd do if she gets there and actually he's making her uncomfortable so she has a back up plan, then invite him for dinner and make a genuine effort to get to know him as someone who's making your dd happy. You don't need to like all her choices but you do need to respect her right to make them.

GammonAndEggs · 09/10/2023 20:13

I do - believe it or not, she’s just spent two nights in Amsterdam with her new boyfriend!!

TrackerBar · 09/10/2023 20:16

My 18 year old son just returned from a week's visit to Amsterdam with three of his friends. They went to museums, galleries, bars, including an ice bar. They hired bikes and went through the parks. I asked if they had smoked any weed or eaten any special cakes he said they hadn't and nobody wanted to. I asked him if they'd drunk a lot, but he said the alcohol was so expensive they couldn't really afford to get drunk.
It does sound like a beautiful place to visit. I'd love to go sometime. Anyway, my point is I think your dd will have a great time and there seems to be such a lot to do.

BabbleBee · 09/10/2023 20:17

My DD is 19, my PFB, lives in uni accommodation.

I’d be worried too but I wouldn’t do or say anything to her to let on. I’ve taught her the best I can to have good morals and values, and to make good choices. My job now is to let her be her, to make her own decisions, celebrate the good times and mop up the tears of the hard times. They have to learn from experience and consequence.

Tbry · 09/10/2023 20:18

Before I reached your DD’s age I was a parent. Lucky her having a lovely trip away to a beautiful European city.

Username620 · 09/10/2023 20:19

DS went to Cologne with a new boyfriend when she was 16. They’ve now been together 9 years.
She moved away to Uni at almost 18. She lived away from home until 2 years ago when Covid made her change her mind about her path in life.
she was in Amsterdam last week with friends. She probably goes once a year. She sent me lots of pictures of them having fun and out and about - I didn’t contact her, it was all on her side. The only agreement we have is she lets me know when she gets there.
She travels all over the place either with friends or her boyfriend, Italy, Barcelona, places in Germany and the Netherlands. Ok we live abroad but she’s be travelling back to the UK alone since she was 12.
I was 16 in an LDR with a guy in London and used to go and visit.
Think back to what you were doing at that age.

direbollockal · 09/10/2023 20:20

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I have (a daughter), and you are being massively unreasonable.

(My other children are older, so I've had other 19 yr olds too).

I went through the mill with my current 19 yr old, and I'd think we were well and truly through the worst of it if all she were proposing to do was go to Amsterdam with a new boyfriend.

How do you think parents cope with children at university?

Mademetoxic · 09/10/2023 20:21

Been there, done that. But mine I had known the guy for 3 weeks!

Just leave her be.

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/10/2023 20:21

When I was 19 I went and spent 10 months in Guatemala and moved in with a man I'd been seeing for two months. I was an adult, whether my parents liked it honestly never factored into it. And yes, we tried shrooms a couple of times. It's fine, this is what being 19 is for.

RampantIvy · 09/10/2023 20:25

I’m worried I’ve never met him, and she doesn’t want me to

I understand your concern if she feels that she doesn't want you to meet her boyfriend. Is he her first boyfriend?

Is she still at home or away at university?

GarlicGrace · 09/10/2023 20:25

Roselilly36 · 09/10/2023 19:25

I would be worried too OP, it is a new relationship, how do you think she would she cope if things went wrong with the relationship when she was away? So strange on here sometimes, posters seem to have the opinion that at 18 they are an adult and that’s that. Possibly parents of very young children, perhaps. I worry much more now my DS are adults than I did when they were little. I left home at a very young age, but that isn’t the way of things now.

Oh, fiddlesticks. If things went wrong she could phone her mum, who I'm sure would solve her problems.

Mine chucked me out at 18 and I went off to Europe with no clue what I was doing - relied heavily on the kindness of strangers, all of whom were solid gold. Having a parent who'll look out for you as needed is the ideal, and is fortunately also the norm.

VintageKiloBuy · 09/10/2023 20:27

There are plenty of things to do in Amsterdam !

In the warm Autumnal weather, outside cafe culture in the evenings, good for people watching

Boat, tram, bus, bicycle rides round the city

Museums, art galleries, shopping, eating, markets

Illegallyblonder · 09/10/2023 20:33

Hey OP I think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time here. 19 year olds make bad decisions, often need their parents still and we all know that not all men and boys are decent. You can’t stop her but you can tell her that she can call you day or night and no matter what, you’ll support and help her. Just in case he’s an arsehole. And if she lives with you I’d expect to have met him by now probably, not because it’s anything I can control but just because it’s been 3 months and he’d have probably been round by now.

19 year old girls are vulnerable and anyone who says they’re not is deluded.

GreenVelvetCushions · 09/10/2023 20:35

Omg leave the OP alone!

I'd worry if my 80 year old mother went to Amsterdam with someone she'd only known for 3 months and I'd never met them!

Unfortunately you can't stop her op. Can you invite him for dinner before they go?

ThePoshUns · 09/10/2023 20:37

Get a grip.
When my son was 19 he flew to Australia on his own and went back packing.
She's an adult now.

Original poster
Bluepals · 09/10/2023 20:47

She met him online. I am not against her travelling, I even said I was happy she was going to be going somewhere with her best friend but this mystery man who has been suggesting shrooms and I can’t meet and who she really doesn’t know that well considering they haven’t known each other long, simply is concerning for me! I’m shocked people wouldn’t be arsed about it. She’s still in sixth form (retook a year and just turned 19) so I guess I simply haven’t hit the university stage yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluepals · 09/10/2023 20:48

Oh and yes she lives with us

OP posts:
ElleCapitaine · 09/10/2023 20:58

My DD is 17. She went in a city break last year with a friend. If you DD wanted to do drugs she can get them in most city parks after work. They absolutely honk of dope. If the worst comes to the worst, Amsterdam is an hourish away via most UK airports. It’s a great place - pretty, walkable, cool markets, lovely bars and cafés with some fantastic beers. It has a seedy underbelly, but then so do all cities. I’d wager she is safer in Amsterdam than Manchester*

  • or any other city.