Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to Amsterdam with someone she has only known a few months?

143 replies

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 18:55

DD is 19 and has known a guy for 3 months and they’re already booked to go to Amsterdam over Halloween. She has never been away apart from with us and was planning to arrange a trip with her best friend which we were all for but we are now super uncomfortable she has opted for this instead. AIBU or are my feelings justified!?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 09/10/2023 19:09

Many 19 year olds are at university getting up to all sorts of mischief with men they've know 2 minutes, and taking drugs. This sounds quite wholesome in comparison.

Prinnny · 09/10/2023 19:09

She’s an adult who can do what she likes without consulting her mother. Cut the apron strings or risk doing real damage to your relationship.

DiaryLouise · 09/10/2023 19:10

Honestly, there’s nothing they could do there that they can’t very easily do here. If anything, getting stoned in Amsterdam is safer because you know what you’re getting and you’re not dealing with criminals.

Also Amsterdam is a lovely place- if she’s not interested in drugs (and plenty aren’t) they’ll probably be doing a cycling tour and eating pancakes. It’s not Sodom and Gomorrah.

MargotBamborough · 09/10/2023 19:13

You don't need to go all the way to Amsterdam to buy weed, OP.

Amsterdam is absolutely beautiful. When I went there we went to the Rijksmuseum, Anne Frank's House and the Maritime Museum, and ate lots of delicious food.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 09/10/2023 19:13

Would you be freaking out if they were going to Paris for example instead of Amsterdam? Is it the idea of your daughter smoking a joint (or eating a brownie if that’s her hypothetical persuasion), or the fact she’s going on a city break with a man who has man parts?

Either way, there’s fuck all you can do about it because she’s an adult and as the mother of a teenage daughter (who’s still under 18) I suggest you calm your tits because in my experience if you overreact to this kind of thing your kid stops talking to you about stuff because they can’t be arsed with your drama and they then don’t feel they can go to you if they do need you. Learnt that as a mum and from when I was growing up.

mycatsanutter · 09/10/2023 19:14

The only thing that concerns me here is that she has cancelled her plans with her friend , that's not on she shouldn't have let her friend down .

ThelmaBorden · 09/10/2023 19:15

Does your daughter still live at home under your wing?
What are you going to do, forbid her?
I’m amazed that your daughter has even mentioned this
to you if she doesn’t live at home.

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2023 19:16

It's normal to worry but you have to let her go with your blessing. Drugs are readily available in the UK. You can't go out for a walk where I live without smelling weed (nice, affluent area btw). Even if she does indulge, a. it won't kill her and b. It's not something you can control.

Also why is the fact she's only known him 3 months an issue? At 19 that's a longish time, enough to know if she feels comfortable to be away with him. He could turn out to be not what she expected at home, just as much as in Amsterdam, and I'm sure she could deal with that if it happened.

Original poster
Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:16

I’m worried I’ve never met him, and she doesn’t want me to… screams red flag and that he mentioned mushrooms to her and she’s “keen” I’ve tried to put her off and it’s annoyed her. She is a teenager, she’s 19

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:17

To be fair she will still go away with her friend but she has fit this in before which makes me uneasy. 3 months isn’t a very long time to know someone

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 09/10/2023 19:19

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:16

I’m worried I’ve never met him, and she doesn’t want me to… screams red flag and that he mentioned mushrooms to her and she’s “keen” I’ve tried to put her off and it’s annoyed her. She is a teenager, she’s 19

You’re so supportive, I can’t imagine why she doesn’t want to introduce him?

Shes an adult. You don’t get to approve the people she’s screwing or traveling with or taking shrooms with. Remind her that she can always call you for any reason, and wish her a good trip.

TizerorFizz · 09/10/2023 19:22

Well she’s going to try mushrooms then. She’s clearly a bit daft but I’m assuming you know that. As she’s not allowing you to meet the boyfriend so I would think she knows you won’t be keen. I’d just let her get on with it. It’s pretty juvenile. You cannot protect them if they are hellbent on something. You have no power to intervene.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 09/10/2023 19:22

She’s probably not keen on you meeting him because she’s worried you will embarrass her by a) babying her in front of him b) being openly hostile c) being generally negative and pissing on her chips or all of the above.

Seriously stop going on about her being a teenager (I mean technically she is in that she’s 19) she’s an adult woman.

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2023 19:22

It's not necessarily a red flag that she won't introduce him. Either she knows you'll judge him negatively for some reason that she doesn't agree with you over or she just wants to keep her private life private. Adults don't need to share everything with their parents, even when they are only 19.

wendywoopywoo222 · 09/10/2023 19:23

Yep your being totally unreasonable. She is 19.

Give your head a wobble.

satellitesunshine · 09/10/2023 19:24

YABU. she’s an adult. i went to denmark with my boyfriend one month in and survived. she’ll be fine

Original poster
Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 09/10/2023 19:25

I would be worried too OP, it is a new relationship, how do you think she would she cope if things went wrong with the relationship when she was away? So strange on here sometimes, posters seem to have the opinion that at 18 they are an adult and that’s that. Possibly parents of very young children, perhaps. I worry much more now my DS are adults than I did when they were little. I left home at a very young age, but that isn’t the way of things now.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 09/10/2023 19:25

She's embarrassed that you might baby her in front of him, as you ate doing now.
Stop it immediately.

Sugarfish · 09/10/2023 19:25

I don’t think I let my parents meet any of my boyfriends around that age. They would have given the third degree and as far as I was concerned who I dated was none of their business. Took about 9 months for me to introduce them to the first real serious boyfriend who I ended up moving in with

Onelifeonly · 09/10/2023 19:26

I have an 18 year old who has done things I'd rather she didn't. But I cant stop her and I recognise her right to do as she pleases.

ThelmaBorden · 09/10/2023 19:27

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:16

I’m worried I’ve never met him, and she doesn’t want me to… screams red flag and that he mentioned mushrooms to her and she’s “keen” I’ve tried to put her off and it’s annoyed her. She is a teenager, she’s 19

you are right OP, your teenage daughter should wait a few months until she is 20.

batsandeggs · 09/10/2023 19:27

It’s normal to be worried but there’s genuinely nothing you can do EXCEPT for developing a relationship with her based on trust and communication, so that if she happened to find herself needing help (in Amsterdam or anywhere else, at any point in life) she will turn to you. Currently you don’t seem to be fostering that relationship and you come across as judgemental rather than as a concerned but supportive parent.

mrsm43s · 09/10/2023 19:28

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I have an 18 year old DD, currently at Uni.

I don't know the new friends she's made, or the places she's going to. Presumably, since she's in a Uni town, it's full of drugs.

I'm not worried. I trust her to make good choices, or learn from her mistakes if she makes bad choices!

I would have no problem with my DD, who is younger than yours, going to Amsterdam with someone she'd known for a few months. As an adult, it would be her choice.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2023 19:28

You're entitled to your feelings. But your adult daughter, who could get married, have kids, join the army or emigrate, is entitled to make her own choices.

Perfectly reasonable to ask for a text once she arrives, when she's leaving etc.

Not reasonable to convince her he's dragging her there to load her up with drugs and do her harm.