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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to Amsterdam with someone she has only known a few months?

143 replies

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 18:55

DD is 19 and has known a guy for 3 months and they’re already booked to go to Amsterdam over Halloween. She has never been away apart from with us and was planning to arrange a trip with her best friend which we were all for but we are now super uncomfortable she has opted for this instead. AIBU or are my feelings justified!?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2023 19:29

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

Mine are mid 20's and on up, op, so I've had 19 year olds.

You have to allow her to grow up. Trying to micromanage her choices will not work out in your favour, I assure you.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 09/10/2023 19:29

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I have a 22yr old dd she moved in with her bf at 17 and they're still together and doing really well.
You ate being overbearing

RancidOldHag · 09/10/2023 19:31

You can't stop them at that age.

You can however use it as an opportunity to talk through risk assessments, contingency plans etc.

So, has she bought trave insurance and got a GHIC? Has she taken an image of the personal info page of her passport (useless to travel on, but v useful to have all the details to hand if you need to get an emergency travel document)

What would she do if he got very stoned, or behaved badly towards her in any way?

Have you read her the riot act about never, ever carrying anything through an airport for someone else?

WaltzingWaters · 09/10/2023 19:32

She’s an adult going to a safe European country where most people speak fluent English. I moved half way across the world at 18 alone and was fine.
Just let her enjoy herself.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/10/2023 19:32

Be glad she's only going to Amsterdam, I went to America at that age. Mum must have been nervous. She knew it was my money and my decision, though.

Life is for living while you can.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 09/10/2023 19:32

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I do.

Maddy70 · 09/10/2023 19:33

Why bit? She's an adult. She will have a great time

cheddercherry · 09/10/2023 19:33

There’s nothing you can do as she is a young adult and she’s still learning and she’s going to make mistakes. While it’s natural to worry you should be more concerned that she doesn’t feel she can come to you with her worries/ for help because it seems like you come down pretty hard on her anyway (“I’ve tried to put her off” - nobody wants to hear this especially at the start of a relationship) all you’ll do is alienate her whether you’re right about him or not.

The red flag for me is more that she doesn’t even feel able to let you meet her new boyfriend rather than the BF himself. It sounds like she feels judged before she’s even made mistakes because you’ve made assumptions before even meeting him anyway. Make sure when she does she know what to do if she needs to contact you if you want to do something practical but trying to poison a 19 year old against her new boyfriend isn’t the way to go.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 09/10/2023 19:34

It’s a new stage of parenthood, and an adjustment. We want to keep them safe, they’re still our kids. But we have to let them go and be a safe harbour if and when they need one.

NoAprilFool · 09/10/2023 19:34

Have you been to Amsterdam, OP?
its a safe, modern, beautiful European city. Would you be worried if she were going to London?

gotomomo · 09/10/2023 19:34

She's 19, you need to relax. I say this a a mother and step mother to young adults DD's!

They will do things that may worry you, perhaps faster than you would like as a concerned mum but ultimately it's their lives and we just pick up the pieces when relationships go sour. Ive learned that you bite your tongue because if you criticise, they are more determined to do it too!

Growuppeople · 09/10/2023 19:35

Be as worried as you want, it’s not up to you. She’s 19!!

Dartmoorcheffy · 09/10/2023 19:35

Seriously, she is going to one of the safest cities and mushrooms aren't going to turn her into a raving junkie, nor is smoking a joint.

bonzaitree · 09/10/2023 19:38

At 19 I hitchhiked across Europe. I did text occasionally - it was pre internet on phones.

At 18 I went to work abroad. Didn’t even know the location I’d end up. Called mum with the address from a pay phone.

Some of the best experiences of my life. It truly isn’t the same doing it when you’re older it just isn’t!

Back off and let her make her own choices and her own mistakes. You’re only young once!

FFSWhatToDoNow · 09/10/2023 19:38

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:16

I’m worried I’ve never met him, and she doesn’t want me to… screams red flag and that he mentioned mushrooms to her and she’s “keen” I’ve tried to put her off and it’s annoyed her. She is a teenager, she’s 19

I moved out at 17 and bought a house at 19. Did anything I wanted with anyone I wanted and it was none of my parents’ business. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BerriesNutsConkers · 09/10/2023 19:38

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

My dd is 18 and is very open.....more open that I need at times but I'm really pleased that she feels she can come to me with everything. I don't always agree with her decision but I have to trust that I have taught her well and be prepared to catch her if she falls.
I had a difficult relationship with my mother, she was judgemental and I didn't talk to her. I vowed not to be like that with my daughter.

cansu · 09/10/2023 19:39

I think that at 19 you need to let her make her own decisions.

GCAcademic · 09/10/2023 19:39

Do you know how rife drug-taking is in universities these days? Students may be drinking less than we did in our day, but they’re taking a hell of a lot more drugs. I can’t see that Amsterdam is going to present much more of a problem or opportunity.

Cassieno · 09/10/2023 19:39

You’re being silly. My DD went to Amsterdam with her BF when she was 16.

I am half Dutch and know Amsterdam quite well. It is also untrue ‘that drugs are legal’. Your DD is old enough to make her own decisions and frankly drugs are accessible everywhere.

She is 19. She should be striking out on her own. Holland is safe on the whole and most people speak good English.

Lottie4 · 09/10/2023 19:43

I totally understand it's hard to step back, but my DD was 19 when she went on a year abroad with uni. She met a chap out there, and we only met him six months after she returned. Not easy, but you just have to let them make their own way in life. DD nearly lost her life during her year abroad and it was nothing to do with her new boyfriend - we found out he was distraught when he didn't know where she was (in intensive care) and couldn't get hold of her.

If you're more concerned, your DD is off to Amsterdam, this is something DD did on her own, arriving late at night. She let us know she'd arrived safely on her own at hostel, all the girls sharing a room seemed nice and then followed photos of them together the next day.

BuffaloBelinda · 09/10/2023 19:43

I've got a nineteen year old.

When she tells me she's doing something exciting I feel pleased and I feel happy.

I want her to enjoy her life and do interesting things.

UncleOrinocosFlow · 09/10/2023 19:44

Mushrooms have been illegal in NL since 2008. Just saying.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/10/2023 19:45

Roselilly36 · 09/10/2023 19:25

I would be worried too OP, it is a new relationship, how do you think she would she cope if things went wrong with the relationship when she was away? So strange on here sometimes, posters seem to have the opinion that at 18 they are an adult and that’s that. Possibly parents of very young children, perhaps. I worry much more now my DS are adults than I did when they were little. I left home at a very young age, but that isn’t the way of things now.

Many 18 year olds are away at university getting up to all sorts of things with people they have only just met. It's perfectly normal.

pointythings · 09/10/2023 19:46

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

Mine was 19 last year when he went to South Africa, travelling by himself. Negotiated airports in Johannesburg and Durban, including a disastrous journey back. He's also gone to gigs by himself.

He's autistic and a wheelchair user, and he was fine. Have a little faith in your DD.

ThelmaBorden · 09/10/2023 19:47

does anyone here remember the Rab C Nesbitt episode
when they go off to Amsterdam ? it’s on YT, ‘Bulbs’

visitors to Amsterdam have excellent food, architecture,
Rijksmuseum, art galleries, the doleful Anne Frank house,
canal trips, parks, a fine city, safe

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