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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to Amsterdam with someone she has only known a few months?

143 replies

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 18:55

DD is 19 and has known a guy for 3 months and they’re already booked to go to Amsterdam over Halloween. She has never been away apart from with us and was planning to arrange a trip with her best friend which we were all for but we are now super uncomfortable she has opted for this instead. AIBU or are my feelings justified!?

OP posts:
Mrsphilmiller · 09/10/2023 19:49

I agree with the poster saying Amsterdam is a beautiful city. I live here with my 4 children and feel quite safe. Your DD will be fine.

Jifmicroliquid · 09/10/2023 19:50

Shes a young adult. She’s going to do stuff you don’t agree with and she’s going to meet people you might not like, but there’s not much you can do about it really.

Oblomov23 · 09/10/2023 19:50

Me. Many MN'ers have children older than teens.

Miyagi99 · 09/10/2023 19:50

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

You know most 19 year old have moved out of the family hope and are living with strangers by the time they’re 18 if they go to Uni. My daughter went to live in Australia for a year at 19, travelled on her own, lived with strangers. Amsterdam is a popular European city break and safer than many.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/10/2023 19:51

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I have an 18yo at university on a different continent. She traveled alone for a mini break at 17 and has been other herself to festivals and concerts many times You're nuts if you think your attitude to your daughter and her boyfriend is going to keep her safe, it's more likely to push her away and ensure she never confides in you.

Oblomov23 · 09/10/2023 19:52

My ds1 has just got back from USA. It would never occur to me ti be concerned about a 19 year old travelling. Unless she's got some sort of SN. Or is incredibly immature. Is she?

theunbelievabletruth · 09/10/2023 19:53

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I've had 7 nineteen yr olds. Everyone of them had been travelling to numerous European cities with friends/boyfriends or girlfriends by that age. I not only encouraged it but was proud of their sense of adventure.

They were bought up to be independent and know how to look after themselves. By 20 hrs old two were living in Europe for a year on Erasmus Uni programmes.

Loosen the apron strings OP. Start treating her like the adult she is and she will want you to be part of her life. All the time you treat her like a stupid, naive teenager she will shut you out through sheer embarrassment.

Zanatdy · 09/10/2023 19:53

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

Me. I don’t get involved in their holiday plans.

BuffaloBelinda · 09/10/2023 19:53

how do you think she would she cope if things went wrong with the relationship when she was away?

What do you mean by 'cope'?

There is no indication that the op's adult daughter is particularly fragile.

She could just come home for a start. It's really quite close.

Oblomov23 · 09/10/2023 19:53

You do know that MN has been running since 2000. So most original MN'ers long time posters will have older kids?

Hbh17 · 09/10/2023 19:54

She is 19, so it's long overdue for her to holiday without her parents - I think it's lovely that she's finally spreading her wings and travelling with a new companion.
And, by the way, I've been to Amsterdam many times and never taken drugs - they're not compulsory!

UndercoverCop · 09/10/2023 19:55

It's only shrooms worst case scenario she might be sick. Most 19 year olds have already been exposed to drugs whether they decide to take them or not. Likelihood is she'll have a brownie or a smoke be amazed at an art gallery then eat a lot of pancakes or food from a hot vending machine.
I'd been abroad multiple times without parents by 19 at have many.
You need to unclench. Maybe take a trip to Amsterdam of your own.

hitherandhither · 09/10/2023 19:55

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I do. She's in 2nd yr at Uni. She lived with people there she's never met before. Went out with people she'd never met before. Etc
I had to trust her to use her judgement and to ask me or student services for help/support.

OP your daughter is growing up and you need to let go. Yes you'll be worried about the boyfriend and the shrooms but you can't do anything about it. You can however let her know you'll always be there for her and support her, but you need to let her make her own choices and learn from mistakes.

annieloulou · 09/10/2023 19:56

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP and I don’t think other posters should be swearing at you.

Not every 19 year old is as mature as some of these posters children clearly are , and not every 19 year old is running around various world wide locations being all independent, some are at Uni or working in mundane jobs.

its normal to be concerned about your child even at 19 going on a trip and more if she hasn’t knows the bf for long and you can’t meet him.

Having said that, you can’t actually stop her and and it is outside of your control.

The chances of anything really bad happening are very slim and If something goes wrong she will learn from it.

I have a 25 year old daughter who went to Amsterdam for her 18th birthday with her best friend. And yes, I was anxious while she was away !

CantFindTheBeat · 09/10/2023 19:56

Where does she know him from, OP?

I understand your worry. Does she still live at home?

nokidshere · 09/10/2023 19:58

I've got a nineteen year old.

I've had two

When she tells me she's doing something exciting I feel pleased and I feel happy.

So do I, and I'm sure so does the OP

I want her to enjoy her life and do interesting things.

Doesn't everyone want that for their children?

But none of those things means that you aren't allowed to still worried about the "what ifs". My two have been all over the place, and both were away for uni. They are now 21 & 24 and I still worry about them. I still do the "don't bring anything back for anyone else", "look up local rules and be respectful", "have you got your GHIC" blah blah, they roll their eyes and say 'yes mother'. I don't tell them if I have concerns, I don't make them feel like they shouldn't go, but I'm always relieved when they are back safely. They have had a ball.

OP hasn't said she's said anything to her daughter, just that she has concerns. I'm sure if she had said the new boyfriend is a 56yr old grandfather (as indeed he might be) she would have had different answers.

OP she will be fine, and if she isn't she will call you for help.

43ontherocksporfavor · 09/10/2023 19:58

I think I’d ask to meet him just so you can reassure yourself. Trust in your DD that you’ve taught her well.

NonMiDispiace · 09/10/2023 20:01

Bluepals · 09/10/2023 19:24

How many of you here have 19 year olds?

I’ve had two of them and I wouldn’t have dreamt of interfering in my DD’s love life! She went to university, at 19 I have little idea of what she got up to.
DS at 19 was at university, heading for a year in Europe and no idea where he was staying etc.
It’s natural to worry but you have to back off OP.

YellowDots · 09/10/2023 20:01

I'm sure if she had said the new boyfriend is a 56yr old grandfather (as indeed he might be) she would have had different answers.

Well yes....but that's not what has happened.Confused

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 09/10/2023 20:01

Mine is nearly 30. She'd been to 2 different continents, and a number of places in mainland Europe, without me by the time she was 19. She was also living away at uni so I had no idea what she was up to, most of the time. I'm mostly in awe and a bit jealous.

LlynTegid · 09/10/2023 20:02

My understanding is that in Amsterdam there is now a sterner view taken on non-Dutch people going to 'coffeeshops', and so your DD and especially her boyfriend may be disappointed if that's the purpose of their visit.

ghostyslovesheets · 09/10/2023 20:04

I have 19, 21 and one of 15 - DD2 went to Amsterdam last year with a gang of mates - she was 18 - she had a blast

eldest 2 are at Uni - both 2 hours away (opposite directions) I don't monitor their movements at all as they are adults - adults I have raised - I am secure that I have raised them well enough to cope with life

Gowlett · 09/10/2023 20:04

I moved to Paris at 19. My mother hadn’t a clue what I was up to…

Gowlett · 09/10/2023 20:04

And she never asked, either.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/10/2023 20:06

I have two DDs who are now adults. At 19 they were at uni and i had no idea where they were going or who with. It is all part of lifes rich adventure at that age.