To want to keep my son warm?

[Lkhtw]

DH and I have very different ideas on what is a comfortable temperature in life.

I love to be warm. Wherever I am. My preferd holiday is anywhere hot, I like fluffy bedding, I have fluffy throws on the sofa and so on.

I'm not always cold (though sometimes I am to extremes) but even if I'm an OK temperature I like to cover myself with something fluffy because I prefer a slightly above average temperature. And I hate being cold in any way and take action to stop myself from getting cold in the 1st place rather than trying to warm myself up after the fact.

DH is so far oposite. He hates being even slightly warm. He is constantly saying he is too warm. As soon as it goes over 12°c in the UK he declares it too hot and needs to take action in the house. He opens windows, runs fans, takes my blanket off the bed. My biggest pet peeve is him walking into a room I'm in, such as the lounge, declaring "it's too warm in here" opening the window, AND THEN FUCKING OFF! YOU ARENT EVEN GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME IN THE ROOM! STOP DECIDING MY TEMPERATURE! He has incredibly poor circulation and blood pressure (you can play noughts and crosses on his hands waiting for the blood to return) so when he touches me with his hands of ice I'm always warmer than them in comparison (but so is the inside of the freezer) so he says I'm not cold and so should have the fan on.

My problem is he is now deciding the temperature for our DS (5 months) and we can't agree on it. Every time I turn my back for 3 mins he has taken him and changed his clothes to something thinner or without arms and legs claiming he was too warm. Every time he holds him he turns the fan on and sits directly in front of it saying the baby is overheating. I know DS isn't going to want to be as warm as me but every time I take him back he's freezing! He snuggles back in and burrows trying to warm up as soon as he can. I've not got him in 4 layers and under a pile of blankets. I've got him in a regular cotton onesie or tiny tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt and then under a single blanket at night for bed time. We have a digital thermometer so we know he isn't getting too warm like DH suggests but he does it any way.

AIBU to want my son to be warm? He's making me doubt myself he has said it so often. Should babies be kept cooler?

Can't it be dangerous for babies to be too hot or too cold? Can't you check in Mumsnet or ask you HV what temperature they're best and just stick to that? And can't you both say your perfect temperature and then keep the house in the middle ground? When he's in the room he can open a window for a few minutes to let in some air and then shut it so you don't get too cold and if only one of you is in the room you keep it at your preferred temperature? Can you have separate duvets or blankets so each of you is comfy in bed? Every couple I know both prefer different temperatures but it sounds quite extreme in your case and like it's creating a lot of tension. Good luck!

Normal British house temperatures would be considered far too cold in my country (Finland) for anyone, let alone babies. The official recommendation is 20-22 degrees, normal house temperatures are warmer, like 22-24.

He’s a prick

your baby can’t self regulate and has a higher surface area to lose heat from. Certainly going into winter that is going to be an issue.

A baby cannot regulate their body temperature and they say as a rough guide to add one layer more than you are wearing.
Also no drafts, like sitting in front of a fan!

I'm sure you know all this. I'm saying it to say that I agreeing with you OP! You OH is massively unreasonable.

No idea what you can do about it, apart from sending some literature to support or maybe Health Visitor could have a word. Another male friend who has kids?

Regardless of either of you, and any pieces of temperature reading equipment you can buy …. CHECK THE BABY !!

being too hot is dangerous and being too cold is dangerous.

feel the back of babies neck, feel hands and feet.

does baby have a blanket/sleeping bag whilst sleeping?
mare you following advice on what baby should be wearing at what temperature? It been a while since I’ve had a baby. But I’m fairly sure it was one full length layer and a 2.5 tog sleeping bag in 18 degrees. (Happy to be corrected it’s a 12 year memory! My point is to check!)

if baby is also wearing a vest, or clothes, then it can be cooler.

initially this never felt a lot to me - but my babies got through it.

I think you are probably on the cold side, but if your concern is about the baby. Make it about the baby by checking the baby !!

It’s so important to make sure babies don’t overheat and they’re much tougher than people think.

A warm stuffy room is also a breeding ground for germs, I hate being too warm. A nice cool breezey house is much better.

He’s a dickhead and I bet if you really examine his behaviour (which you will do as you now have a baby) he is controlling and self centred in other ways.

My biggest pet peeve is him walking into a room I'm in, such as the lounge, declaring "it's too warm in here" opening the window, AND THEN FUCKING OFF! YOU ARENT EVEN GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME IN THE ROOM! STOP DECIDING MY TEMPERATURE!

Just came on to say you have my sympathies. DH does this. It drives me barmy.

Your DH sounds abusive. Why does he do these things? Is it about control? He’s now abusing your child by keeping him too cold deliberately. Horrible.

This. Ignore the guidance, check your baby.

If their back is warm but not sweaty (stick two fingers down the back of the neck of the sleeping bag), then they're fine.

Feeling/being too cold makes me feel ill , my blood pressure drops, my face and lips go pale and my lips don’t work properly, I can’t speak and I shiver uncontrollably. If my hands and feet are cold then I’m cold all over.
We went to visit an aunt of DH’s, mid December, no heating on and windows open. I kid you not, there was ice on the inside of the window. By the time we got home I was incoherent. We’ve never been back.
Op, your DH is controlling and borderline abusive, babies can’t control temperature like adults, room temp of 19c is too cold in my opinion. Stripping the baby off and putting him in front of a fan is awful.

It's a bit of a leap to say OH is a dick or abusive... objectively the OP says that she likes to be warmer than a usual temperature and even has a fluffy blanket on hot days. Maybe her husband is genuinely concerned that the baby will overheat, which is as dangerous as being too cold. These threads get so offensive...there's no need to turn into a troll and make accusations without knowing the people involved!
OP, be sensible, check your baby, check the recommended temperature and clothing, etc for babies and show your husband. You're living with him; if he's trying to hurt the baby or you by making you suffer then that's a separate issue that needs sorting asap.

@Dotcheck i really overheat and really struggle in the summer for many reasons, and I’ve spent my whole life being told by almost everyone that it’s a character flaw to feel sick when I’m too hot! So I suppose it works both ways 😂 the countless arguments in offices as well about temperature…

Overall I feel it’s easier to layer up when you are cold, than it is to try to cool down. My understanding is that babies need layers and to be warm though and that 12 degreee would be far too cold for a baby! Speaking as a non-mother here..

@Daffodilsandtuplips yes the fan isn't good but 19c is absolutely fine for babies

@Lkhtw good luck. Were it not for the beard I would be wondering if my OH has a second family! He's wandering around in shorts when I've declared it to be thermal vest season. He also has Raynaud's and lowish blood pressure, along with a host of other health issues, and you'd think he's prefer to be warm, but no (I've read that Raynaud's can actually hurt worse when you warm up again so you have to avoid doing that too quickly).

We had this thing when our first baby was little too, probably with a chunk of new-parent anxiety feeding it, but thankfully HVs in those days (12 years ago) were incredibly prescriptive so I did manage to keep the house above 16 degrees, usually around 18. I was cold a lot because I was sitting around with my shirt open half the day breastfeeding - and also I've been less cold-tolerant in general since having babies, no idea why. The charts and Gro Egg seem good ideas. I used to quote the World Health Organisation guidelines at people who were taking issue with my childcare decisions (mostly granny-age women rather than husband) and it worked fairly well...

We have since moved to a freezing house (not suitable for extra insulation - we tried 😭) which seldom gets above 17 degrees whatever we do, and husband and son are fine with this. Daughter and I live in oodies, wool socks and fluffy onesies!

While I would say that your husband's tendency to adjust your environment then go away is irritating, only you can say whether it is a silly quirk or controlling behaviour. It sounds like you do stand up for yourself to me. We are still happily married despite our varying internal thermostats.

"We have a dimmer switch in the living room and I'll be there, with the light at about 75%, relaxing with a crossword and he will walk in go "wow its a bit bright in here" then turn the dimmer down to 25% and then leave and go upstairs on the computer! Why?!?! You are adjusting a room to your preference WHEN YOU ARENT EVEN GOING TO BE IN IT!!!"

Because he's a selfish arse from the sounds of it. Does he have similar attitudes to other areas of the house? (My house my rules sort of stuff)

Sounds like he's just worried @Lkhtw i grew up in a cold house and also go around opening windows and complaining about hot the house is. I can't stand the stuffy feeling of being in a warm room. Overheating is more dangerous than cold so he's probably just scared.

I keep getting notifications on this thread and have just read through all your messages (help, I'm obsessed!) and I've come to the conclusion that you're awesome and lovely, you're completely within reason and have the room at a normal temperature (I have mine around 20/22°) and that your husband was terrified after the problems with baby's birth and early days and is now massively overprotective and focussing on his temperature. Hopefully he'll calm down as bubba gets bigger and stronger, otherwise that will become an issue. I also reckon he's grown up with older siblings coming in and changing the TV channel, etc and thinks it's normal. It's not and he's being a twat! I hope your texts work and he gets back downstairs to sort it out? If he does, in my opinion you've got a great relationship, if he doesn't he's a wrongun! Xxx

I only came to say my husband does the same thing with the windows… opens them and fucks off. I have poor eyesight and he loves turning off the bright light and replacing it with something soft whilst I’m trying to do something small and detailed like work or sew. And then fucks off leaving me to get up and turn on the light I need! He does all this but he can’t remember to turn off the light when he leaves an empty room!!!!!!

It's recommended that the best temperature for babies is between 68 to 72 degrees Fahrenheit or 20 to 22 degrees Celsius. Babies are more sensitive to changes in room temperature because they're so small and their bodies are still growing. I agree that too hot is not good, not for SID, not for respiratory problems, not good in general. But too cold is equally bad, your child might need to put too much energy in keeping warm! Your husband will have to live with that because I think he's freezing your baby.

I would try and agree somewhere in the middle and both stick to it. I worked in a place where the factory floor was freezing. Workers wore coats even while doing manual work. My shared office was insanely hot I had prototype machine on the factory floor so alternated between the two alot. The constant too hot too cold I was constantly ill so even if you aren't totally happy choosing clothing together might get him somewhere in the middle and not Infront of a fan.

When I had my first the midwife told me that overheating is more dangerous for babies and they will not give any indication they are too warm, they will just fall asleep and there is increased risk of SIDS. I've had that in mind with all of mine. It is within reason though, obviously they still had coats in cold weather and sleeping bags at night when it was cold.
Maybe you could ask the health visitor for advice and have your husband there for the visit so you have the same message. There is some guidance somewhere on how many layers they need in different temperatures. I have a theromostat that tells me the room temperature which has been useful for deciding how many layers are needed.

19° is cold baby's need to be kept warm ! Our bedroom is 22° baby sleeps in a vest, babygrow and has a blanket on at 19 I'd have them in a grobag too for a bit more warmth .
I like the other suggestions of a gro egg which is a visual representation of if the room is too hot or cold for a baby .
Some people run hotter than others and I'm exactly the same as you, his behaviour would absolutely infuriate me

Do you think he’s genuinely feeling too warm and worried about baby or just looking for something to nit pick about?
If he’s genuinely too warm with some of the other symptoms you mentioned hands, low BP and the fall sound like POTS syndrome. Might be worth going the doctors again to rule it out. Understandably with a premature baby maybe you’ll both be a little more over anxious about maintaining temperature. Him more so it seems. I agree with the grow egg idea and try to keep that around 18 then can’t debate it if that’s showing ideal room temperature. Easier to put more layer’s on if your cold and room still ideal for baby.

Keep it cooler Wear warm clothes then you are all at the right temperature. It's not good for babies to be too hot. Get some fresh air in his lungs too