To want to keep my son warm?

[Lkhtw]

DH and I have very different ideas on what is a comfortable temperature in life.

I love to be warm. Wherever I am. My preferd holiday is anywhere hot, I like fluffy bedding, I have fluffy throws on the sofa and so on.

I'm not always cold (though sometimes I am to extremes) but even if I'm an OK temperature I like to cover myself with something fluffy because I prefer a slightly above average temperature. And I hate being cold in any way and take action to stop myself from getting cold in the 1st place rather than trying to warm myself up after the fact.

DH is so far oposite. He hates being even slightly warm. He is constantly saying he is too warm. As soon as it goes over 12°c in the UK he declares it too hot and needs to take action in the house. He opens windows, runs fans, takes my blanket off the bed. My biggest pet peeve is him walking into a room I'm in, such as the lounge, declaring "it's too warm in here" opening the window, AND THEN FUCKING OFF! YOU ARENT EVEN GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME IN THE ROOM! STOP DECIDING MY TEMPERATURE! He has incredibly poor circulation and blood pressure (you can play noughts and crosses on his hands waiting for the blood to return) so when he touches me with his hands of ice I'm always warmer than them in comparison (but so is the inside of the freezer) so he says I'm not cold and so should have the fan on.

My problem is he is now deciding the temperature for our DS (5 months) and we can't agree on it. Every time I turn my back for 3 mins he has taken him and changed his clothes to something thinner or without arms and legs claiming he was too warm. Every time he holds him he turns the fan on and sits directly in front of it saying the baby is overheating. I know DS isn't going to want to be as warm as me but every time I take him back he's freezing! He snuggles back in and burrows trying to warm up as soon as he can. I've not got him in 4 layers and under a pile of blankets. I've got him in a regular cotton onesie or tiny tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt and then under a single blanket at night for bed time. We have a digital thermometer so we know he isn't getting too warm like DH suggests but he does it any way.

AIBU to want my son to be warm? He's making me doubt myself he has said it so often. Should babies be kept cooler?

I'm with you, absolutely cannot stand being cold. DD is the opposite. Even as a baby she ran warm and now at 7 you cannot get a coat on that kid. She'd be in a t-shirt and shorts 24/7 all year round if she had her way.
In time your child will make their preferences known. For now, I'd refer your husband to the guidelines on temperature and dressing your baby.

My husband also has the ice hands.

Beware though, most of mumsnet thinks being cold is some kind of character flaw.

Im always too warm and prefer cooler rooms, I get really hot holding/feeding my 4 week old too and he always feels too warm to me. I usually follow guidelines though on dressing him because I hate the idea of him feeling cold even though I’m warm.

I was about to post a similar guide that @Oysterbabe did. It's what I've always gone by as I'm a bit of a worrier about my kids being too hot/cold when they were babies

That plus a gro egg as other posters suggested looks at is objectively and he can't really argue with it

And I agree with poster who suggested you go into his room, close the windows, turn off the fans and declare it 'too cold' in there before fucking off back to the room you're in

I'm surprised by some of the earlier responses as I don't think they read your OP clearly which said you know you like it warm and don't impose this on your DS...

Your husband sounds like he has issues; either that or he's a controlling arsehole.

Because you’re operating at extremes, neither of you are well placed to decide what your son should wear based on touching him or things like ´one more layer than you’. So just use your room thermometer and a guide from somewhere reputable for how many layers he needs.

How do you know your husband has poor circulation,that makes you feel the cold,and he has 'blood pressure " that's a relief, without it,he would be dead! Is he on any medication that causes you to feel hot.?

MIL does that thing of entering a room where someone else is living their life, changing everything to how she thinks it should be, then leaving. She is generally a very controlling person, so you might want to think about that and look for other evidence of controlling behaviour,

What a horrible way to live. Your FH sounds unhinged. I like to be on the colder side but I don't insist everyone else does too.

This all sounds a bit like the Goldilocks story .. and your baby is the one needing everything
’ just right’.

You like it too warm, your husband likes it too cold….

Get a gro egg. Speak to your health visitor and both of you need to calm down.

I agree with him that windows should be opened daily, even though I’m freezing while they are. Once aired, they go back to being closed for the day.

The rest makes him sound too much though and I can’t be dealing with spending days in a cold house and my baby would not be cold.

Ask him what right he has to dictate to you like that. He sounds like my dp, but at least hell only comment about the temp ("Why have you got a blanket over you, it's not cold?") and only puts the TV volume up if he wants to listen to it too (but he's obviously going dear so he had an excuse).

As for your ds get your hv to speak to him.

Its actually dangerous for a baby to overheat as a risk factor for SIDS. And the baby will very likely cry if it is cold. So if the baby is content I wouldn’t worry - if the baby is unsettled their Temperature might be a cause. But I would tend to keep them cooler rather than too warm due to cot death risks.

Having fresh air= fine. But I don't think this is about fresh air, is it? He is either being controlling as adjusting the temp. even when he isn't in the room makes me think that , OR, he has a health issue that is causing him to feel too hot. Could he have thyroid problems for example?
I might have missed it, but what is he wearing when he says it's too hot? Has he stripped off to the bare minimum , or is he wearing his usual clothes? Does he wear a coat in the winter when it's cold or does he claim to not feel the cold then? I would think about how he usually dresses and take it from there.

This is spot on. You need to find the middle ground. Being too warm is a cot death risk for a baby though. In theory if they are too cold they should wake up - too warm, no. Gro egg is the way to go.

Your DH is definitely not doing what is best for such a young baby. If he can’t feel well with his hands (does he have Raynaud’s?) then he should give the baby a kiss on the chest or too if back - lips are sensitive and will show more accurately the baby’s temperature than his hands. In the same way that giving your older child a kiss on the forehead shows you quickly if they are running a temperature.
If his pigheaded ignorance continues you need to get support from nhs such as health visitor or gp.

Babies do overheat very quickly. If the back of his neck feels slightly warm he's fine.

Honestly, you both sound as extreme as each other.

I think you need to take advice from the health visitor or something like the chart that @Oysterbabe posted.

Keep a thermostat in the room and tell your DH to check it regularly and just go by that.

It won't always suit the baby as sometimes we are hot/ cold despite what the thermostat says, but your DH doesn't seem capable of understanding the baby's needs regarding this. The thermostat and guidelines at least makes it more objective.

Unless it's the middle of summer and 25 degrees + I can't understand why you would ever need to put a baby in front of a fan. That's just weird. It's October.

I wonder if there’s more going on? Your husband has taken that very literally and seems to have quite noticeable temperature issues alongside a difficulty understanding a baby might feel differently to two adults. Maybe something to think on yourself? Of course could not be anything else at all.

I haven’t had a baby in a couple of years, but safe room temp is 16-18 degrees C iirc. Look up the advice online and get the temperature right for baby with the right layers (gro bag has loads of advice on this). Gro bag tog and layer advice You and your husband should read it along with any other safer sleeping advice if not already read. Being on the colder side is safer in relation to SIDS in general, but he won’t need to be in front of a fan in this weather. I’d aim at temperature being best for baby and you both just manage how you manage.

In the UK, The Lullaby Trust did a safer sleeping campaign to reduce risk factors for SIDS hence why we have a lower temperature recommended. I imagine in places where it’s hot and not everyone has the option to reduce room temperature, this is not the focus. In the UK, most people have heating (though not all as fuel poverty has increased) and so, at the time, this was something that could be applied nationwide to the majority. Factors tend to differ a bit in different countries, for example, cosleeping on a floor mat can be protective and helps temperature regulation but isn’t common in the UK.

I’m one of those people who can’t bear it too warm; I would much rather be a bit on the cool side. My husband has circulatory problems and feels cold quickly. I try to stick it out when he’s banged the temperature I. The room up, but it eventually makes me feel quite panicky and uncomfortable and I have to throw all the windows open!!
I do think people wrap up children too warmly, sometimes, though I know babies need to be kept fairly warm… though when my daughter was a year old she had a febrile convulsion which was very scary, and we always had to try and keep her a bit cooler.

try to find a compromise is all I can say!

That's from the US - where there are significantly higher temperatures outside for a lot of regions (and aircon) from spring onwards, if not year round.

18-21 is safe. 16-21 is safe. It's perfectly safe and warm to be out in the snow with a newborn wearing vest, babygro and a hat if they're also in a sling against your chest and an open coat. Literally - I did it.

I also still remember the time when DP was told that because I have a disability, the house needed to be heated to 21 day and night. I'm not used to that suffocating level of heat and have no intention of becoming so.

It isn't about the temp you or your partner prefer, it's about what is appropriate for your baby. Get a thermometer and maintain the appropriate temp for them.

This might help: www.fhft.nhs.uk/media/1381/is-your-baby-too-hot.pdf and www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/baby-room-temperature/ and www.babycentre.co.uk/a25024140/what-should-my-baby-wear-at-night-infographic

Controlling.
Wishing you the best of luck OP. I don’t think this is something that is going to get better over time.