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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my son warm?

176 replies

Lkhtw · 08/10/2023 23:37

DH and I have very different ideas on what is a comfortable temperature in life.

I love to be warm. Wherever I am. My preferd holiday is anywhere hot, I like fluffy bedding, I have fluffy throws on the sofa and so on.

I'm not always cold (though sometimes I am to extremes) but even if I'm an OK temperature I like to cover myself with something fluffy because I prefer a slightly above average temperature. And I hate being cold in any way and take action to stop myself from getting cold in the 1st place rather than trying to warm myself up after the fact.

DH is so far oposite. He hates being even slightly warm. He is constantly saying he is too warm. As soon as it goes over 12°c in the UK he declares it too hot and needs to take action in the house. He opens windows, runs fans, takes my blanket off the bed. My biggest pet peeve is him walking into a room I'm in, such as the lounge, declaring "it's too warm in here" opening the window, AND THEN FUCKING OFF! YOU ARENT EVEN GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME IN THE ROOM! STOP DECIDING MY TEMPERATURE! He has incredibly poor circulation and blood pressure (you can play noughts and crosses on his hands waiting for the blood to return) so when he touches me with his hands of ice I'm always warmer than them in comparison (but so is the inside of the freezer) so he says I'm not cold and so should have the fan on.

My problem is he is now deciding the temperature for our DS (5 months) and we can't agree on it. Every time I turn my back for 3 mins he has taken him and changed his clothes to something thinner or without arms and legs claiming he was too warm. Every time he holds him he turns the fan on and sits directly in front of it saying the baby is overheating. I know DS isn't going to want to be as warm as me but every time I take him back he's freezing! He snuggles back in and burrows trying to warm up as soon as he can. I've not got him in 4 layers and under a pile of blankets. I've got him in a regular cotton onesie or tiny tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt and then under a single blanket at night for bed time. We have a digital thermometer so we know he isn't getting too warm like DH suggests but he does it any way.

AIBU to want my son to be warm? He's making me doubt myself he has said it so often. Should babies be kept cooler?

OP posts:
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TheSpikySpinosaurus · 09/10/2023 07:42

You can tell if a baby is cold by checking the skin on their back and chest. If it's warm, then they are warm. They may have cold hands or face but the temp of their back/chest is what's important.

AbbeyGailsParty · 09/10/2023 07:45

I think you need to speak to your health visitor for advice. One of my dgc was born during a heatwave and dd was told a fan on in the room was fine but mustn’t blow directly on the baby. ( know that was newborn and your dc is older but I’m not sure when babies become good at regulating their own temperatures. You don’t want a child with hypothermia.

GracePalmer33 · 09/10/2023 07:48

I'm dreading it being winter because it's the number one thing me and my husband argue over. He's always hot. I like it warm(ish) inside in winter. I don't want to get out of bed and be freezing. I don't want to be sat trying to relax and seeing my sodding breath. He would have it 15c or lower if he could. He thinks 18c is too hot. In the past we have agreed on 18c and so I want the thermostat set to 18 so if it goes lower than that while we're up and about in the house it'd kick on, but he just turns off the heating as soon as it gets past 17 or something and before long it's back to 15/16. I genuinely hate it. Fine if it gets lower while we're asleep but not when I'm hanging out in the house with our baby.

Everything you find online says the ideal temp for baby is 16-20c so idk if that'll help you- my husband used it a way to keep the house at 16c which was obviously far too cold for me to be able to enjoy life lol. I remember last winter going round to my parents house all the time because they have their thermostat set to 20 😂

Takeabreather23 · 09/10/2023 07:49

WandaWonder · 09/10/2023 05:26

They both sound it

Show quote history

They both do not sound it .

She is doing the right thing he is not .

RosesAndHellebores · 09/10/2023 07:52

I jad a phase of doing this and feeling overheated and sweltering when everyone else was fine. It went on fkr a few years. I had graves disease. Get his blood checked.

GracePalmer33 · 09/10/2023 07:53

She's not talking about her trying to have the house at 30 degrees or something 😂 it's not extreme to want indoors to be 18-20c.

HAF1119 · 09/10/2023 07:53

Find something on the internet about what to dress baby in based on temperatures. I'm sure it has exact degrees and what clothing is best for baby. Then share that together and follow it together. Maybe if it doesn't come from you but from the net he will listen

Brefugee · 09/10/2023 07:55

you need to reach a compromise which may include any or all of the following:

regular ventilation of rooms
he wears fewer clothes indoors
you wear more clothes indoors
you keep a room or two at the recommended temperature for your baby
you get separate quilts/blankets. He can have a light one. You can have 42 blankets if you want

I think you both need to listen to the other. FWIW: i am team DH because i will be in shorts and a vest and still too warm, and my eyes dry out and i can't breathe if the heating is above about 16°. We compromise on lots of things so neither of us is uncomfortable for hours on end. (including me having a fan directed at my seat even in winter if i need it)

BeetleDeuce · 09/10/2023 07:55

I have thermometers in all rooms so I can be less subjective about temperatures. 19 seems fine to me but if you both feel the temperature in different ways then that’s tricky. Neither of you is right or wrong: I think if you can start from that perspective, it might help you compromise.

SíDoMhamóí · 09/10/2023 08:00

My dh was the same. It turns out he was right about my dd- she is a warm as he is- and he was wrong about my ds - he is a cold as I am.

Takeabreather23 · 09/10/2023 08:00

You are right he is wrong .
stand up to him it does sound controlling

You need to get a no nonsense health professional to speak to him about this abs the effects on baby

Also does he have health problems he needs to address maybe I’m wrong but sounds like that would maybe help the over heating on his part

I

witmum · 09/10/2023 08:02

Take any discussion away and just uses a clothes chart like this.

A fan should not be pointed directly at a baby (Google it and show your husband).

Their room should be between 16-20 again takes away any discussion.

To want to keep my son warm?
CRbear · 09/10/2023 08:02

Everyone saying the OP is just as bad - what are you reading? Where has she tried to impose her temperature on her partner? She just uses blankets/wears more clothes. He’s the only one enforcing his way on anyone. And then leaving the room to boot. I’ve seen children with stunted growth because they used too much energy staying warm. Get a room thermometer, show him the infographic and if he still can’t get it through his thick head that not everything is about him I’d leave him.

direbollockal · 09/10/2023 08:12

Unusualactualname · 09/10/2023 07:38

It isn't about the temp you or your partner prefer, it's about what is appropriate for your baby. Get a thermometer and maintain the appropriate temp for them.

This.

(I'm the one in my house who thinks anything over 14 degrees is too hot).

andtheworldrollson · 09/10/2023 08:19

Get a thermometer

Any room with the baby in needs to be around 18 to 20

HandbagMarinara · 09/10/2023 08:23

OP sorry haven't rtft so it may have been mentioned. But what the midwife said isn't true, babies that get cold slowly don't cry, they become lethargic and sleepy and start shutting down in much the same way as they do when they get too hot

I agree get a sensible HV to have a word with both of you and find a way forward- although reading about how he changes your room when he doesn't even stay in it makes me think he won't.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2023 08:29

You both need to prioritise the baby and recognise that a baby's needs are not the same as an adult's.

Gro-bags used to come with very helpful charts showing what should be worn at each temperature, along with a room thermometer. You need that or similar impartial, fact-based advice.

LadyFlumpalot · 09/10/2023 08:30

Op, my DH and I have kind of the same issue as you and yours. I'm always cold and crave warmth, he's always too hot.

Rather than have a subjective "I'm too hot" or "I'm too cold" we go by a definite room temperature, if it's 24 degrees in the room in summer then it's clearly hot and a window gets opened, if it's 16 in the winter then it's clearly cold and the heating goes on. We are both free to adjust our clothing or layers at any time to suit our individual perceptions of the temperature.

Could you buy one of those room thermometers for babies and agree a temperature that a room must stay at for the baby to be comfy? That way it's a definite rule, not a subjective and personal preference.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/10/2023 08:31

Codlingmoths · 09/10/2023 04:27

I’m surprised you haven’t stormed off to where he is, turned the lights off, the heating up and poured out his drink for good measure. ‘There, now we have both made each other uncomfortable so at least we are on even ground. I’m done with letting you walk into the space I’m in, make it uncomfortable for me, then walk out.’

Show quote history

Please do this. I’d murder him.

Mariposista · 09/10/2023 08:32

you both sound massively controlling. You do you and let him do him. We all have different body thermostats and feel the heat/cold more intensely.

Eumie · 09/10/2023 08:32

I think that the way to deal with this may be going factual with numbers, as both of you seem to be at extremes.

Get thermometers in each room (Amazon do packs of small ones). And get your husband to agree to no windows open/fans of the room is at 18 degrees - this is the recommended minimum temp from the WHO and is safe for babies who are dressed normally ie in a shirt/trousers and vest.

Baby will be happier cooler than warmer, but you need to avoid both extremes.

Room Temperature

Room temperature - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Room_temperature#:~:text=The%20WHO's%202018%20guidelines%20give,the%20elderly%2C%20and%20people%20with

54isanopendoor · 09/10/2023 08:34

margotrose · 09/10/2023 07:21

Honestly, you both sound as extreme as each other.

It's not surprising that you are both a bit twitchy about your baby given the start.
However, to save arguments buy a Gro egg & use the chart above for layers.
A cooler well ventilated room with a baby wrapped in snuggly layers that can quickly & easily be adjusted is probably best.

Cheeesus · 09/10/2023 08:36

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 09/10/2023 07:42

You can tell if a baby is cold by checking the skin on their back and chest. If it's warm, then they are warm. They may have cold hands or face but the temp of their back/chest is what's important.

This! Just check the baby. At night especially extremities will be cool to freezing and that’s ok, but down theo back should be nice and warm.

supersonicginandtonic · 09/10/2023 08:37

I cannot stand being a too hot but I understand others aren't like me. I do always have a window open though, even when it's very cold outside but that's for fresh air.

SawX · 09/10/2023 08:42

You're both weirdly obsessed with temperature and need to stop using your baby as a pawn in your pathetic Fan vs Fluff wars.