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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my son warm?

176 replies

Lkhtw · 08/10/2023 23:37

DH and I have very different ideas on what is a comfortable temperature in life.

I love to be warm. Wherever I am. My preferd holiday is anywhere hot, I like fluffy bedding, I have fluffy throws on the sofa and so on.

I'm not always cold (though sometimes I am to extremes) but even if I'm an OK temperature I like to cover myself with something fluffy because I prefer a slightly above average temperature. And I hate being cold in any way and take action to stop myself from getting cold in the 1st place rather than trying to warm myself up after the fact.

DH is so far oposite. He hates being even slightly warm. He is constantly saying he is too warm. As soon as it goes over 12°c in the UK he declares it too hot and needs to take action in the house. He opens windows, runs fans, takes my blanket off the bed. My biggest pet peeve is him walking into a room I'm in, such as the lounge, declaring "it's too warm in here" opening the window, AND THEN FUCKING OFF! YOU ARENT EVEN GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME IN THE ROOM! STOP DECIDING MY TEMPERATURE! He has incredibly poor circulation and blood pressure (you can play noughts and crosses on his hands waiting for the blood to return) so when he touches me with his hands of ice I'm always warmer than them in comparison (but so is the inside of the freezer) so he says I'm not cold and so should have the fan on.

My problem is he is now deciding the temperature for our DS (5 months) and we can't agree on it. Every time I turn my back for 3 mins he has taken him and changed his clothes to something thinner or without arms and legs claiming he was too warm. Every time he holds him he turns the fan on and sits directly in front of it saying the baby is overheating. I know DS isn't going to want to be as warm as me but every time I take him back he's freezing! He snuggles back in and burrows trying to warm up as soon as he can. I've not got him in 4 layers and under a pile of blankets. I've got him in a regular cotton onesie or tiny tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt and then under a single blanket at night for bed time. We have a digital thermometer so we know he isn't getting too warm like DH suggests but he does it any way.

AIBU to want my son to be warm? He's making me doubt myself he has said it so often. Should babies be kept cooler?

OP posts:
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5
Spambod · 09/10/2023 08:45

Babies need to be between 18-21 degrees, everyone knows this. They need one extra layer than we need. Your dh sounds like he has a sensory processing disorder and or possible ocd or an anxiety related disorder. His behaviour is very out of the ordinary and could cause harm to the baby.

Maireas · 09/10/2023 08:46

jenpil · 09/10/2023 00:40

Feeling too warm is never a good thing.
It can induce panic, sweating and nausea.

Get the windows open for some fresh, cool air.

Warm rooms are stuffy with no air flow, and are no good for "germs".

I find rooms are fine at no more than 22°C.

But, that's just my take on it.

That's not what she's saying.

Maireas · 09/10/2023 08:46

Spambod · 09/10/2023 08:45

Babies need to be between 18-21 degrees, everyone knows this. They need one extra layer than we need. Your dh sounds like he has a sensory processing disorder and or possible ocd or an anxiety related disorder. His behaviour is very out of the ordinary and could cause harm to the baby.

Yes, those are my thoughts too.

Bearbookagainandagain · 09/10/2023 08:47

Dotcheck · 09/10/2023 00:48

You are both operating at extremes. Ask your health visitor for advice

Not sure how OP is being "extreme" because she likes a warm throw on her sofa ... she is not forcing anyone to use it. She dresses her son appropriately for the weather's she doesnt need HV advice. Her husband is completely wrong, there is no need for fans in England in October!

Graciebobcat · 09/10/2023 08:50

YANBU.

DH runs hot, I run (a little) cold, though I don't think having the living room at 21/22 degrees with no heating required at the moment is unreasonable.

As it gets colder and he still insists on open windows my threat is DON'T MAKE ME PUT THE HEATING ON.

Ohnonotanotheroneeek · 09/10/2023 08:57

If you’re in charge of laundry I would suggest always putting the baby in a merino vest and not telling DH. That should help keep him a bit warmer. I agree getting the health visitor on board and having a chat with DH though honestly doesn’t sound like he’d listen. He sounds like a control freak, changing the room you’re in and then leaving.

CarrotsAndCheese · 09/10/2023 09:00

I might be wrong but I didn't think you were supposed to have fans pointed directly at a baby? That might just be when they're sleeping though.

Your DH sounds pretty selfish. I mean, what the hell is he doing changing a room that he's not even staying in! Rude!

GoGoGo2 · 09/10/2023 09:01

My OH was very much liked this until heart attack, stent, and medication. He has changed now. (Not all behaviour, just how he felt hot the whole time).

CarrotsAndCheese · 09/10/2023 09:02

And have you both had your thyroids checked? That can make people feel too hot or too cold.

Kisskiss · 09/10/2023 09:04

19 sounds ideal for a baby? I was always told 16-20 is the magic range for room temperature for them. The risk of SIDS increases with overheating but at 19 degrees and the clothing you described ( onesie, thing tracksuit) it doesn’t sound like an issue?? Your dh sounds a bit bonkers. Just get the health visitor to go thru the ideal temperature with him …

Mikimoto · 09/10/2023 09:06

Sounds like your husband is looking after the baby perfectly.
19º and reduced chance of overheating therefore reduced chance of SIDS.

andtheworldrollson · 09/10/2023 09:09

Nhs 16-20 sleeping temperature for babies
Nhs - minimum of 18 to avoid lung and cardiovascular stress
WHO minimum 18 - and higher for the very young and very old

Crunchingleaf · 09/10/2023 09:09

Are people reading OP’s posts in full.

How is OP being controlling she is going by room thermometer to ensure the baby is at the right temperature. She doesn’t expect her husband to use a fluffy blanket when she is cold.
Her husband changes temperature of rooms he isn’t in and is putting baby in front of a fan.
He sounds very sensitive to temperature.

Original poster
Lkhtw · 09/10/2023 09:10

Nannyfannybanny · 09/10/2023 06:40

How do you know your husband has poor circulation,that makes you feel the cold,and he has 'blood pressure " that's a relief, without it,he would be dead! Is he on any medication that causes you to feel hot.?

We know he has bad blood pressure because he had a hospital visit for something unrelated (fall and dislocated knee) and whilst he was there they wouldn't let him leave because of his blood pressure because they were worried even though its his norm. And a few years before that he was nearly refused some other medication when the Dr took his BP and got worried and assumed her machine was broken.
They refuse to treat his low BP even though he has gone to GP specifically for it in the past saying "hey you're lucky. Too low is better than too high!" Even though he went in complaining he was constantly dizzy and falling over.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 09/10/2023 09:12

Sounds like your husband is looking after the baby perfectly.
19º and reduced chance of overheating therefore reduced chance of SIDS.

baby doesn’t need to be cooled down in front of a fan at 19 degrees So no the husband is not looking after the baby perfectly. Baby should be in normal indoor clothes at that temperature.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/10/2023 09:14

I’m a perverse one since menopause. I have raynauds but also can’t stand the heat 🤪 so would probably be with your husband were it just you two.

But your baby needs around 20 day and night ideally, minimum of 18, (though too high a temperature can be more hazardous, especially if the baby is bundled up).

Maireas · 09/10/2023 09:15

I think it's not so much the temperature, more the DH lack of tolerance and understanding.

Bunnycat101 · 09/10/2023 09:16

I don’t think you’re supposed to be using a fan at all on a baby and it isn’t exactly warm enough to be needing that at the moment even if it is unreasonably warm. It does sound like he’s a bit obsessed about overheating. he needs to be stopping with the fan as that could be dangerous.

Mine were never comfortable at the lower end of the lullaby trust recommendations. They were much happier at 19/20 degrees than the 17/18 but that is preference v safety thing. Where you do need to be careful is outside temps and make sure your husband does wrap them up appropriately.

My youngest is now 4 and she is absolutely built for a temperate climate- she hates being too hot and complains about the heat in the summer once it goes over 26 but also doesn’t do well in the cold. My older one has always been more resilient to temperatures at both ends. I’ve got a picture of her playing in the snow last year in pyjamas and a woolly hat (did suggest she put on her coat and waterproofs but wasn’t interested) my youngest was fully kitted out and still miserable about it.

Original poster
Lkhtw · 09/10/2023 09:17

loislovesstewie · 09/10/2023 07:14

Having fresh air= fine. But I don't think this is about fresh air, is it? He is either being controlling as adjusting the temp. even when he isn't in the room makes me think that , OR, he has a health issue that is causing him to feel too hot. Could he have thyroid problems for example?
I might have missed it, but what is he wearing when he says it's too hot? Has he stripped off to the bare minimum , or is he wearing his usual clothes? Does he wear a coat in the winter when it's cold or does he claim to not feel the cold then? I would think about how he usually dresses and take it from there.

When he's in the house saying he's too hot he's always in lounge trousers (bobbly cotton. Or bobbly now anyway. They're old) and a t shirt.
And he used to go out in jeans, t shirt and a fleece or hoodie.
He now works outside so has added a big heavy waterproof to his layers.

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 09/10/2023 09:17

I can't understand someone with low BP wanting to be and enjoying being cold- I run a bit cold due to low-ish BP sometimes but I'm the one putting all my clothes on and turning up the heat in winter, not keeping everyone else cold!

Dolallypip · 09/10/2023 09:17

Blanketpolicy · 09/10/2023 00:59

You need to compromise on a temperature between both your preferrences and stick with it.

Imo it is easier to stick on more clothes and a blanket if you want to be warmer, but less pleasant and harder to deal with an over heated room with no air.

This is always my point- if you are cold you can add blankets/jumpers/socks etc- once I’m in a vest top and shorts I can’t reasonably take anything else off to cool down! My friends bring blankets when they come over, I shut the windows for them and stick an ice pack down my cleavage. It is so horrendous being too hot and nauseous etc.

Baby wise- get a room thermometer and keep it in the green zone? I don’t know what the answer is about him changing the clothes… if you are sure you aren’t overheating the baby maybe try getting the health visitor to explain to him?!

Original poster
Lkhtw · 09/10/2023 09:21

MrsHedgewitch · 09/10/2023 07:16

Your DH is definitely not doing what is best for such a young baby. If he can’t feel well with his hands (does he have Raynaud’s?) then he should give the baby a kiss on the chest or too if back - lips are sensitive and will show more accurately the baby’s temperature than his hands. In the same way that giving your older child a kiss on the forehead shows you quickly if they are running a temperature.
If his pigheaded ignorance continues you need to get support from nhs such as health visitor or gp.

🤣🤣 I've suggested this!
And in fairness he did try.
A rather large beard got in the way. (And not from the baby) and DS was tickled awake.

He works on electrics quite often and his standard method for checking if a plug is overheating is to put it on his top lip so he liked the idea of trying this at 1st.

OP posts:
UnicornNarwhale · 09/10/2023 09:22

Fans shouldn’t be directed on a baby, they can get too cold too quickly. Get him to look at the lullaby trust guidance.

also would recommend you go to a sleeping bag instead of blanket for baby - it is safer than a blanket and you can get the right tog for the room temperature

BananaPalm · 09/10/2023 09:23

How you and your DH feel is very subjective and absolutely fine to be either hot or cold in the same temp.

However, as to your baby, since you both are a bit extreme, sick to safe sleeping/dressing guidelines depending on the room/outside temperature.

Babies can't regulate their temperature so it's easy to overheat them which is a massive (!) SIDS risk.

Stick to facts/numbers/evidence when it comes to your baby. As to how you both feel, I'm afraid that there's little you can do. If you feel hot/cold you won't suddenly stop feeling it just because you made some sort of a pact/agreement...

CarrotsAndCheese · 09/10/2023 09:26

A rather large beard got in the way.

Doesn't his beard make him feel warmer? I imagine it would feel like having a scarf across his face all the time?