To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

[purpledaze24]

I was born in 1985 and like many 80s/90s kids was smacked now and again by my mum. But it's not until becoming a mother myself and my daughter now approaching the age that I was when I remember a particularly traumatic smacking incident that I have become to feel angry and resentful about why my mother did this. Looking at my little girl, even in her "naughtiest" moments I can't ever imagine hitting her and it makes me struggle to get my head round how my mum could (for the most part - although a selfish person, a loving mother) have hit me like she did and for the reasons behind it.

The traumatic incident I feel resentful about (the rest of the time, while I obviously don't agree with smacking full stop, I'm totally over) it's just this one incident that really gets me. I remember it in a weird amount of detail. I was 4, I'd just started reception and looking back I probably had selective mutism. I was fine with other kids but was unable to speak to other adults other than my parents or very close relatives I saw regularly. I wasn't even able to ask my teacher to go to the toilet so I ended up wetting myself a lot (which I was also shouted at or ignored for). I was terrified of school and extremely clingy with my mum and often pretended to have stomach aches so she'd keep me off. So this one particular day I was off school and she had to go to my old nursery for some reason. We drove there and I remember her saying you can either come inside or stay in the car but if you come inside you have to promise to answer your ex-nursery teacher's questions. Being a 4-year-old all I understood was that I'd get to see my little brother and old friends and play in the sandpit so of course I said I promise. As we were leaving I remember my old teacher saying "how's big school going?" and me hiding behind my mum's skirt being unable to make eye-contact with her or answer her question. It's just the way I was, I'm sure she was a very nice woman but I was terrified of all adults. So my mum's response was to put me back in the car and ignore me all the way home. I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated. I just don't understand how she could punish me so viciously for being shy (or possibly having a disorder, which she refused to consider and told my teacher to get lost when she suggested I see a child psychologist). I grew out of it eventually but have never let go of that feeling of resentment and as I said it's resurfaced now my DD is nearly 4. Consequently I never expect my DD to talk to anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable, not matter how rude it comes across. I believe it's a skill we learn at our own varying paces.

To give context, my mum was a pretty well-adjusted person, didn't use drugs, didn't use alcohol excessively, she was, at the time married to may dad, middle-class, fairly comfortable life and she herself had a good upbringing (although was also smacked). She was also very loving most if the time. I did casually mention this incident a few years ago and she laughed it off and said "I'd never have done that". So at the time I just left it. Should I try bringing this up with her again? (this is by far not the only example of her bad parenting but the rest happened much later - in my teen years) it may sound ridiculous and I don't have an explanation why, but to this day I still think about it regularly (since triggered by my own DD) and it's affecting our relationship (amongst other things). Should I try talking to her about it again or is it pointless? Or I am making a big deal about it? Was stuff like this fairly standard in the 80s?

Pointless bringing it up now I would say? What would you be looking for her to say or do?

As you say, your experiences of good and bad parenting by your Mum help shape the parent you are now.

I am a little older than you (born early 80s) and was smacked too. Was common. I remember being in agony after my Mum smacked me hard (and seemed to be for a long time!) after throwing a ball into my sisters face on purpose when she came through a door.

I am the same age as you. I used to get smacked by both of my parents. They are unrepentant to this day and tbh I don't resent them for it. It was all they knew and how'd they'd been parented themselves.

My sister and I are reasonably well adjusted adults and I know our parents loved us.

That being said, I can understand that being smacked may have felt like a huge injustice to you (and for the incident you described, I would 100% agree with you) I can only remember one time when I was "unjustly" smacked as a child, the other times i can just accept that was just their method of discipline and that I'd been acting out/rude etc.

I would only bring it up if you honestly think that having a real heart to heart with your mum would lead to some closure for you. So, if you say to her you are struggling with that incident to the point that you are thinking about it often etc and feel like you can't move past it, would she apologise, do you think?

If not, I think you are better off not mentioning it to her because you will only get more upset about it.

It isn't the smacking you are complaining about, it is the injustice, and that would have been the same whatever discipline was used

for myself I am glad I was smacked as a child, and even at the time felt far superior to the few friends who's parents didn't smack.

I'm not sure it matters whether it was normal. It was horrible and now your daughter is a similar age you are finding it triggering. If your mum is in denial I'm not sure if you will get anything out of her - would it be better if she acknowledged it and apologised? I might be wrong, but I feel like anyone who would be that furious with a four year old for being shy probably had other moments of being emotionally unsupportive - was she actually a great mum aside from this, or has having your own child made you reconsider this?

The ignoring you and the repeated smacking like that goes to the point of abuse, IMO, and is really awful. So I think you have childhood trauma really so no wonder it plays on your mind. I don't think that level of smacking was at all normal in the 80s/90s.

@fattytum superior? how?

Your mum should have given you a properly remorseful apology in which she recognised her culpability and your feelings about it. It would have cost her much less than it would cost you not to get it. I'm sorry you didn't get that because you do deserve it. If someone doesn't spontaneously give you that recognition, though, then you will probably just get even more frustrated and comfused trying to get it. The second-best outcome here is that you use the experience to inform your own parenting, which is what you're doing. You sound like you're doing a great job.

My mum smacked me occasionally, but in a different way (very controlled & calm, fully explained and when I'd knowingly done something actually bad!) and I don't resent her for it at all. If she'd done it as you describe, I'd feel differently.

"But it never did me any harm..."

Your comment is awful, I feel so sorry for you that you were clearly smacked to the point where it damaged your view of a healthy parental relationship.

It’s not surprising that your daughter teaching this age has triggered things for you. In saying that you’ve says she was a loving mum to you, so revisiting it with her isn’t likely to help because she can’t now change it and you’d always wonder if any apology that did come was genuine.

You may find therapy helpful to process your feelings about it, because your mum isn’t the right person to do that with.

I was born in the early 90s and my Dad used to smack me. He used to do it very hard and violently as if he was taking all his anger out on me. He would chase me up the stairs whilst I was crying and screaming, catch me and repeatedly smack me with such a violent look on his face. It doesn’t matter whether it was accepted or not, it’s traumatic. I had my first child 2 years ago and also became triggered around that time by a lot of the things my parents did to me growing up. I wouldn’t bother talking to my parents about any of their parenting as they’re of the opinion that they ‘did everything for me’ and gave me a perfect childhood and can’t accept any criticism. But their emotional abuse and smacking has affected me hugely throughout my life, so I understand you completely. I recently started therapy to talk about my childhood issues, maybe it would be helpful for you as well. And be proud that you’re a better mother than you had!

My mother had a terrible temper (and suffered mental illness resulting in hospitalisation when I was in my teens) and hit me relatively often. The injustice of it has stayed with me all my life, so I really do sympathise.

We were caned, rulered, belted and had a big wooden board cleaner thrown at us in school!

The walloping our parents gave us were mild compared to this.

Not something I would be proud about if I was a parent or teacher.

Both my parents used to hit me I’ve never spoke. To my dad about it. My mum now makes light of it.

I found the Philippa Perry book very useful. I wouldn’t expect any closure from your mum. Might be worth a few sessions with a therapist if it’s really affecting you.

It was indeed a different time. You do say she was also smacked, this together with a societal acceptance of such discipline & a lack of knowledge about selective mutism means it's not the same as us viewing it through 2023 eyes. I'm not condoning it, but if she was otherwise loving I do think you need to accept it as it was. She was clearly embarrassed as she thought your behaviour was a reflection of her & her parenting in the eyes of the nursery teacher (who you knew & trusted in her eyes, I imagine).

Speaking to her will just make you more upset, I think. Talking therapies may help.

I would let it go and accept that your mother is an imperfect parent and an imperfect human being. You will strive to do better, although your children will probably judge you in due course.

Born in 1983, I was smacked occasionally. Not much, I was good 🤣. And never beaten, just a smack. Does not bother me now, probably did me the world of good

I'd be inclined to write her a letter then give her at least a week to mull it over. I'd also be very clear in the purpose and outcomes you'd like, with timescales.

• Describe your memory of what happened (like you have above).
• Describe the impact (that you think of it often even now, esp as you have DD now)
• State (clearly and to the point, maybe bullet pointed sentences) the outcomes you want. ie (1) to acknowledge that the memory is upsetting for you (2) an apology and empathy, to help you move on
• State what will happen after that, ie you won't dwell in it. Or you'd like a ongoing conversation about it
• State a time line. Ie, I'll leave you to consider this and will come around on Sat at 6pm, I'd like to talk about this then.

I am not surprised you resent it. It was abuse.

I was never hit, but my mum was shouty and I only properly realised how awful that was when I became a mum. It brought up long hidden memories of being anxious around her and not wanting to set her off. I was determined to never be a shouter, and I’d never, ever physically admonish a child.

The good thing about parenting is you use your experience to be a better one.

and expect your daughter to write you identical letters when she is an adult! ridiculous. A letter like that could end your relationship forever.

Both my parents died by the time i was 20 but ive reflected back and the belts whilst i had to lie on the bed with my pants down. The being forced to stand in the corner for hours next to a huge stick that would be used if i moved or spoke whilst he read in bed. The locking me out in the garden till i was allowed to return
The grabbing my pony tail and using it to bang my head against the wall. All awful and i always hated my dad and detatched from him 💯 from about age 9. I loved my mum more than anything and was broken when she died but i cant understand now having kids of my own she let it happen. I feel so worthless as a resultt. Im so conflicted she was the love of my life but she failed me.

Two things that can help you:

• Talk to a therapist
• Read “The book you wish your parents had read…” by Philippa Perry (who is a therapist)

I’m sorry that happened to you as a child.

I used to be hit - by both parents, but more often my dad, badly enough to leave bruising. For minor things, mostly being 'cheeky' (usually unintentionally). I did bring it up in later life, but all they really said was that everyone disciplined their children like that at the time (70s/80s).

My parents are old now and very feeble.

I sometimes fantasise about travelling back in time and saying when they were mid-beating: 'You realise that, in 40 years' time, the balance of our relationship will have changed completely? Your marbles will have rolled away and you'll be phoning me in a panic because you've forgotten how to switch the telly on. So be careful what you do to me now."

I can see why it’s preying on your mind, it was quite traumatising for your mum to act like that and in a moment where you wanted her understanding not punishment. And wanted her to “get” you and she didn’t.
I agree with @Puffalicious that you are maybe looking at it through 2023 eyes. There was almost no understanding of difference, of selective mutism, of neurodivergence. There was also a lot of social shame regarding how people and children were expected to behave. Maybe your mum felt humiliated that your not-talking showed her up as a bad parent and that feeling made her feel really out of control herself? It sounds like she really thought you were choosing to be rude, if she has never had an issue with mutism herself and was never taught about it, maybe she just couldn’t grasp why you wouldn’t speak? And maybe it triggered a bunch of other thoughts as she sat in the car? Maybe she’s either pushed the memory away or painted it differently in her mind because she herself is horrified by the way she treated you? And that’s why she can’t/won’t talk about it.

That sounds like a traumatic memory. YANBU to be disturbed by it. Your mother behaved appallingly towards you and she should own it and apologise.

I was smacked as a child by my father and I feel some resentment towards him. I think he sometimes lost it and should have controlled his temper, I was a child ffs.

Now I’m a mother, I cannot imagine for one moment using my hand to strike my child’s beautiful soft skin. The brutality of me, a grown adult, using violence against my child is an abomination. The antithesis of what it means to be a mother.