To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

[purpledaze24]

I was born in 1985 and like many 80s/90s kids was smacked now and again by my mum. But it's not until becoming a mother myself and my daughter now approaching the age that I was when I remember a particularly traumatic smacking incident that I have become to feel angry and resentful about why my mother did this. Looking at my little girl, even in her "naughtiest" moments I can't ever imagine hitting her and it makes me struggle to get my head round how my mum could (for the most part - although a selfish person, a loving mother) have hit me like she did and for the reasons behind it.

The traumatic incident I feel resentful about (the rest of the time, while I obviously don't agree with smacking full stop, I'm totally over) it's just this one incident that really gets me. I remember it in a weird amount of detail. I was 4, I'd just started reception and looking back I probably had selective mutism. I was fine with other kids but was unable to speak to other adults other than my parents or very close relatives I saw regularly. I wasn't even able to ask my teacher to go to the toilet so I ended up wetting myself a lot (which I was also shouted at or ignored for). I was terrified of school and extremely clingy with my mum and often pretended to have stomach aches so she'd keep me off. So this one particular day I was off school and she had to go to my old nursery for some reason. We drove there and I remember her saying you can either come inside or stay in the car but if you come inside you have to promise to answer your ex-nursery teacher's questions. Being a 4-year-old all I understood was that I'd get to see my little brother and old friends and play in the sandpit so of course I said I promise. As we were leaving I remember my old teacher saying "how's big school going?" and me hiding behind my mum's skirt being unable to make eye-contact with her or answer her question. It's just the way I was, I'm sure she was a very nice woman but I was terrified of all adults. So my mum's response was to put me back in the car and ignore me all the way home. I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated. I just don't understand how she could punish me so viciously for being shy (or possibly having a disorder, which she refused to consider and told my teacher to get lost when she suggested I see a child psychologist). I grew out of it eventually but have never let go of that feeling of resentment and as I said it's resurfaced now my DD is nearly 4. Consequently I never expect my DD to talk to anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable, not matter how rude it comes across. I believe it's a skill we learn at our own varying paces.

To give context, my mum was a pretty well-adjusted person, didn't use drugs, didn't use alcohol excessively, she was, at the time married to may dad, middle-class, fairly comfortable life and she herself had a good upbringing (although was also smacked). She was also very loving most if the time. I did casually mention this incident a few years ago and she laughed it off and said "I'd never have done that". So at the time I just left it. Should I try bringing this up with her again? (this is by far not the only example of her bad parenting but the rest happened much later - in my teen years) it may sound ridiculous and I don't have an explanation why, but to this day I still think about it regularly (since triggered by my own DD) and it's affecting our relationship (amongst other things). Should I try talking to her about it again or is it pointless? Or I am making a big deal about it? Was stuff like this fairly standard in the 80s?

I think UABU based on the fact that you are seeing past events through a modern lens. Your mother would not have understood then that your behaviour was due to you 'having a disorder' (in your words), she saw that you'd made a promise and broken it wilfully. Do you think she had knowledge then of selective mutism? Obviously today we would say that smacking is never the answer, never right - but it wasn't the same in the 1980's, many of us can testify to that. I would suggest that you get some therapy and try to let it go. Also, can you even trust your own memory at that age? Perhaps you embellished it and that's why your Mum doesn't acknowledge it. Not all childhood memories are real.

I grew up in the same era and was smacked and what you are describing is nothing like what I experienced. What you’ve described is abuse. I’m not surprised you have suffered lasting trauma from it. What a terrible awful experience for a tiny 4 year old to suffer when all you needed was love and understanding 💐it’s heartbreaking to read.

If there wasn't understanding it was the parents' responsibility to educate themselves. Certainly neurodivergence and mutism and just plain shyness were understood by everyone I knew in the 80s/90s, if not in the depth they're known today. OP's mother by the sound of it was educated and well-resourced enough to read, ask medical professionals, do her research. And really, it doesn't take an understanding of neurodivergence or disorders not to carry out violent attacks on tiny children.

There's no excuse for abusing a child as the OP was abused.

And although it was more common before it was made illegal by Labour in the 90s it wasn't by any means normal. None of my friends (born mid 70s were ever hit by an adult, ever.

I was smacked to and won't forgive my so called parents ever, There both passed away now so I'm unable to say my feelings to them.

Voted YABU only because my child's memory from age 4 is stuff they've basically invented like they are 100% certain they had a cat that they never had and we went on a boat we never went on. I don't think memories from that age are accurate. Back then unfortunately it was pretty normal to be hit. My mum hit me and it hasn't affected me badly. Yanbu for how you feel though and if it would make you feel better to discuss it with your mum then do.

I really feel this post, as I was a very shy child too and when I was small, my stepmother at the time smacked me very viciously. It actually went to court as actual bodily harm. I think some adults from that era would play it down as being harmless, but it lived with me for a long time too, and I found it all coming back to me in my teens. Sounds like it’s caught up with you a bit later on. I think what helped me was talking about it to my husband and a close friend. Maybe speak to someone other than your mum first?

I’m sorry she brushed it off - I guess maybe she is trying to alleviate her own guilt by making it seem like not a big deal, but if it’s still bothering you now then it’s not ok. By the sound of it, you weren’t even doing anything naughty, just being shy, as some people are. Being hit like that can beat the confidence right out of you. It’s taken me many years to finally become a confident person.

Like you, I find it hard to understand why someone would use so much force against a small defenceless child.

@Pinkglobelamp maybe you and your friends ended up friends because you came from similarly non-violent homes? Also educating yourself and trying to find books to read doesn’t always change the patterns we’ve inherited from our own childhoods, you have to work hard to change those things and if you have zero support or community and are just feeling utterly overwhelmed and trying to survive your own crappy childhood and inflict as little damage as possible on your own children while battling some pretty big demons it’s not always going to look pretty.
there is absolutely far more opportunity to research all these things now too - one word: the internet!
Following someone on Instagram who regularly describes their lived experience of mutism and how to best support someone with something similar is different to finding a single book in the library that doesn’t explain it that well. Having said that, I love books but it’s even the fact you can now read online reviews and find the best one whereas in the past you’d have relied on what was in your local shop or library.

I'm sorry OP and can completely relate. I wasn't smacked often as a child, but on the times I did I had an extreme emotional reaction to it.
I always swore I would never do that to my own children, and couldn't fathom doing that to DS.
My parents had a lot of terrible parenting moments, emotional abuse, etc, which I've discussed in counselling. It brought up a lot of anger, but I've managed to process a lot of that now.
I've learnt since that both my parents had abusive upbringings, which has helped me feel more compassionate about it. There's not much point in talking to them now - we have a good relationship now, and they're both elderly so it doesn't seem right in dragging up the past. My mum also does the "I don't remember that" thing whenever I have tried to talk to her in the past as well 🙄
The most important thing for me is that I've learnt from their mistakes and the abuse ends with me - I will do everything I can to give DS the upbringing he deserves.

As your own child comes to the age when things happened to you, it will bring up these memories.

im sorry that happened to you. It was wrong. You were a little kid. Thankfully you are breaking the pattern for your own child.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I haven't read all of the replies here so not sure how y are sitting. But I just wanted to say I posted out some not ok things my parents did growing up once and the replies were awful. So there's definitely a camp of, never did me any harm, bootstraps, think yourself lucky it wasn't worse. I found these replies really upsetting so I'd really warn you about paying too much attention to people who excuse child abuse. Sending love

I was smacked and emotionally hurt as a child. I vowed never to hit my children. I never did or wanted to. I was born in 1964. Had my children early 90s. My daughter also had speech difficulties. I often blamed myself and wondered if I could have done something wrong for her to be like that.... we went weekly to speech therapy for 6 months and I felt like the worst parent every time I took her. Hitting her for it never once entered my head. I doubt you will ever get an apology from your mum...just try to learn from the experiences you had growing up and be the best parent you can.

Your mother was wrong to do this. She probably felt completely helpless and anxious about your refusal to speak and it spilled out into unacceptable violence to you. I would try to see it in that context. Not as something cruel and calculated, just as a wrong reaction to a situation that she was extremely worried about. It is very likely she doesn't now remember. If she was generally loving I would try to forgive her if you can.

Agree with this comment.

I think you have to consider what you expect to get out of talking to your mum about it. She is unlikely to repent and say she is sorry. I also had a troubled childhood (albeit in a very different way) but I know my parents have essentially rewritten history in their own minds to think that it was, if not magical, then at least pretty decent, and that they also cling to the idea that I was a 'naughty teen' to justify their own behaviour towards me. I don't think there's anything I could say that would break through those defences.

Like you, what I've really struggled with all these years is the injustice. Why have I had to live with being framed as 'naughty' and 'difficult' and 'ungrateful' so that my parents can feel better about themselves and the illusion that we are a perfect middle class family with a few rogue elements can be maintained?

I think all you can actually do is work through it in counselling.

I was smacked as a child a few times, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest but this is because I clearly remember that it was a consequence for when I’d done something dangerous (eg going behind the fire guard) and it was a short sharp smack and done. So to me it felt fair and proportionate and motivated by concern for me.

Your example is quite different, it was completely disproportionate, seemingly motivated by your mother being embarrassed, no concern for your welfare, and frankly brutally unkind towards a small child. I would feel exactly the same in your situation. I have no useful advice but I am very sorry you experienced this.

I was born in 71 and yes a lot of parents smacked when i was a child, but this tended to be single smacks or hits. What your mum did wasn't the norm. Also I remember some more intelligent parents would only smack quite rarely or even not at all. (Unfortunately I didn't have one of those. I had the type who didn't engage their brain, just lashed out.) I don't agree that your mum has the excuse that all parents did it at the time. The following was not in any way the norm in the late 80s and I'm sorry you experienced it

I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated

Pulling down pants to smack was not the norm at all. Nor was hitting as hard as possible many times. Especially not for a 4 year old being shy. Ignore those dismissing your feelings about it and trying to pretend it was fine and normal and telling you to move on. You did move on, but having your own kids has brought back memories of your own upbringing, which is very common.

I think there's a huge difference to posters experiences of smacking here. I dont agree with smacking at all, however back then being explained to why you were getting a smack, then it being done is one thing, being repeatedly smacked hard and in a violent manner is another.

You're absolutely justified in feeling the way you do OP, I think having children makes us all look at our own childhoods and our parents behaviour differently.
I had the same experiences with my parents, being smacked over and over again until my skin was stinging and bruised and it being done out of rage as opposed to a 'controlled punishment'. I've never ever bothered bringing it up with either of my parents as it would just get brushed off by them, however when I had ds I did say to both of them if they ever so much as raised a hand to him they'd never see him again.

Why do you feel you want to talk to your mum about it? Do you want it recognised as being wrong, or an apology? If you want either of those things maybe you'd be better writing a letter which she can read in her own time and think about, however do be prepared that you won't get the response your hoping for

Just wanted to say you’re not alone OP- I have a similar situation where having my own child has made me question a lot of my own parents’ choices with me (I was also smacked, but I’m talking about other things too.) I also find it close to impossible to discuss with my mother, who becomes very defensive and won’t take accountability. I’m also at the point of giving up because trying to talk to her hasn’t gone anywhere- instead, it makes our relationship worse.

I was born in the 80s, I did think about the smacking I received as a child when my son was a toddler, I found it baffling that the threat of wait until your father gets home was very real.

I have to say though, I don't ever think about it, my parents live me, always did their best for us and made many sacrifices to give us a great childhood.

It was a very different time and completely normal then.

I tried to talk to my sister about how racist our parents were (they passed some 20yr ago), she shut me up and said don't be ridiculous which made me feel like a little kid again

Before I read the post I would’ve voted YABU because everyone was smacked in the 80s/90s, but as pp have said… it’s the injustice that’s more upsetting. YANBU. It was totally unprovoked which is the traumatising aspect.

It wasn't completely normal in the late 80s to pull a child's pants down for being shy and smack as hard as possible many times.

That incident does sound awful however I don't think you'll gain anything from bringing it up.

I was smacked as a child myself and could never imagine smacking my kids.

However that being said it was a different time back then. I'm also under no illusion that in 20 years time my kids will look back and think God I would never do that why did my Mum? I would want them to try and understand that I always just did what I thought was best for them even if I didn't always get it right.

@BerriesPineCones sorry you are right, the instance referred to wasn't normal. I was a very shy child myself and was never punished for this.

I was referring to smacking in general for behaviour. This was an acceptable punishment then that most kids would have experienced.

I also remember my cousin having her mouth washed out with soap for swearing while I watched horrified knowing I would never utter any swear word just in case.