To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

[purpledaze24]

I was born in 1985 and like many 80s/90s kids was smacked now and again by my mum. But it's not until becoming a mother myself and my daughter now approaching the age that I was when I remember a particularly traumatic smacking incident that I have become to feel angry and resentful about why my mother did this. Looking at my little girl, even in her "naughtiest" moments I can't ever imagine hitting her and it makes me struggle to get my head round how my mum could (for the most part - although a selfish person, a loving mother) have hit me like she did and for the reasons behind it.

The traumatic incident I feel resentful about (the rest of the time, while I obviously don't agree with smacking full stop, I'm totally over) it's just this one incident that really gets me. I remember it in a weird amount of detail. I was 4, I'd just started reception and looking back I probably had selective mutism. I was fine with other kids but was unable to speak to other adults other than my parents or very close relatives I saw regularly. I wasn't even able to ask my teacher to go to the toilet so I ended up wetting myself a lot (which I was also shouted at or ignored for). I was terrified of school and extremely clingy with my mum and often pretended to have stomach aches so she'd keep me off. So this one particular day I was off school and she had to go to my old nursery for some reason. We drove there and I remember her saying you can either come inside or stay in the car but if you come inside you have to promise to answer your ex-nursery teacher's questions. Being a 4-year-old all I understood was that I'd get to see my little brother and old friends and play in the sandpit so of course I said I promise. As we were leaving I remember my old teacher saying "how's big school going?" and me hiding behind my mum's skirt being unable to make eye-contact with her or answer her question. It's just the way I was, I'm sure she was a very nice woman but I was terrified of all adults. So my mum's response was to put me back in the car and ignore me all the way home. I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated. I just don't understand how she could punish me so viciously for being shy (or possibly having a disorder, which she refused to consider and told my teacher to get lost when she suggested I see a child psychologist). I grew out of it eventually but have never let go of that feeling of resentment and as I said it's resurfaced now my DD is nearly 4. Consequently I never expect my DD to talk to anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable, not matter how rude it comes across. I believe it's a skill we learn at our own varying paces.

To give context, my mum was a pretty well-adjusted person, didn't use drugs, didn't use alcohol excessively, she was, at the time married to may dad, middle-class, fairly comfortable life and she herself had a good upbringing (although was also smacked). She was also very loving most if the time. I did casually mention this incident a few years ago and she laughed it off and said "I'd never have done that". So at the time I just left it. Should I try bringing this up with her again? (this is by far not the only example of her bad parenting but the rest happened much later - in my teen years) it may sound ridiculous and I don't have an explanation why, but to this day I still think about it regularly (since triggered by my own DD) and it's affecting our relationship (amongst other things). Should I try talking to her about it again or is it pointless? Or I am making a big deal about it? Was stuff like this fairly standard in the 80s?

"she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated*
That's not smacking by any definition and completely unacceptable even then. This is abusive. It's not surprising you've suffered trauma from this. Talking to her is likely to be pointless though. I'd talk to a therapist instead if you can afford it.

YANBU

Smacking is illegal in Wales as the negative psychological and long-lasting effects of physical abuse are recognised.

To those who advise ‘move on’ undermines the traumatic effects of the abuse you suffered.

Sending a big cwtch to you OP. Hope you’re okay.

Same generation.

I don't remember all the details, but my dad was the designated disciplinarian parent - my mum used to threaten that if I didn't behave, my dad would give me a smack. The trouble is, my dad was quite bad-tempered, so you didn't really want him in charge of hitting a child... Like most children, I was occasionally a little shit who wound up both my parents, and there were occasions when my dad lost control.

As an adult, I can understand it all, but I wouldn't repeat it, and I wouldn't recommend it.

I grew up distant towards my dad. His being the one to smack us was the reason for it.

I feel a bit sad for him and blokes of his generation/thinking - it's pretty obvious looking back now that if you were the main parent to do the smacking, especially if you worked long full-time hours (like most fathers did at the time), you were always going to have a distant relationship with your kids. My mum didn't hit us nearly as much, she was home more and she was our primary carer.

I'm very close to my mum. I was never able to narrow that distance with my dad.

I have since forgiven him, but I wish we were closer, and I think the fact that we never were is his punishment for being a parent who smacked his kids. I suppose in a way I have to live with some of that punishment too, but he's the one who suffered more for it.

I can't imagine having kids and doing something to close their hearts towards me in that manner. I don't blame him. It was normal back then. But it's behaviour definitely best left in the past.

OP - I don't remember much of my childhood, only moments where I had a strong emotional response. Some of them I don't remember properly - from talking to family, I do have some incorrect perceptions (which you would expect given my age at the time).

It's tricky with something like this, because the way you describe it, who would admit to it going down exactly like that? So, you'll never get 100% closure on how accurate your version of events was.

I feel doubtful you'll get what you need from discussing it with her now (it might even be more hurtful if you find out she's forgotten what was such a big moment for you). Instead, working this through with a therapist is more likely to shield some benefit.

How cold and dismissive....

I was born in the 60s, and had the crap beaten out of me very many times. My next sibling down too, until they developed an illness and my parents were afraid to. 3rd sibling, occasionally, 4th sibling not at all. I had bruising, was often sent to bed with no supper (mum) though to be fair dad usually rescued me when he got in from work.

I had a very small appetite and recall being beaten with a sally rod to make me eat. I remember just wishing and praying I could be 18 to get away. I was in my early 20s when I had my last beating.

In retrospect, I will never, ever understand the psychology of it all. I don't know why I didn't hightail it at 18 and never go back. In spite of it all, I remained close to my parents - they were very good to us, and adored my children.

They are both dead nearly 20 years. Lost them way too soon, still miss them so badly.

I don't know how, but somewhere along the line I must have unconsciously forgiven them? I certainly never held it against them, although I have never forgotten. Some of my peers had their fathers thrashing them with belts for instance, and I never experienced that.

I think I have probably blocked a lot out though. I do remember a kettle of boiling water being held over me as I lay sobbing on the floor, with the threat of pouring it on me.

I never actually did anything awful - it was only ever trivial, minor things.

I never did discuss it with my dad but I did (I'll be honest) throw it in my mum's face now and again. She just said, "well we're making up for it now". I don't think she ever realised, you can't make up for it.

I think it's just a scar you will always carry, but it is what it is, and no amount of navel gazing is ever going to change anything.

This resonates so much. My dad smacked us, bullied and belittled us… we were scared of him. Now he’s a pathetic old man. He has no power over me now and it feels great.

I'm not sure I agree with labelling the general smacking of kids in the past as abuse, except for incidents where parents lost control and went all out. There were obviously some abusive parents like there are now, but I think most parents at the time did at least some light smacking because it was the done thing. It was certainly normal in my friendship group.

I would judge a parent for smacking their child now, but I think it's difficult to go back in time and apply the same standards we have now to then. We know better now. I think many parents back then were doing the best they could, and this was behaviour that they were told was acceptable and normal to train your kids to behave.

As I've said above, parents who hit their kids had to live with the consequences. I would suggest most parents now who don't hit their kids get to enjoy a better relationship with their children and that is priceless.

You will get differing opinions partly depending on age and upbringing. I grew up in the 70/80's. Where I lived smacking was common and me and my sisters were regularly smacked. My parents had been smacked /given belt and also received cane/ruler at school. I had children in the 90's, I occasionally gave a tap for something significant ie running off near a busy road. Now I am horrified. At the time it was what I knew. I thought I was better because I only used it for danger. My parents thought they were better because they only used their hands.

I'm not saying your mum is blameless (what she did was abhorrent) but for a clearer perspective try to see it in her timeframe not todays . It's still wrong tho to be clear. It sounds like she was trying a tough love approach to help you come out of your shell, we know now that approach doesn't work. There was also in previous times more of a hierarchy and a focus on politeness to adults and obedience, what you did would in your mums eyes been disrespectful and embarrassing. Her reaction came from the embarrassment and frustration that you wouldn't just do what she wanted, you disobeyed her.

It's interesting that she denied it, it's possible she has blocked it out from shame or more likely she doe's remember and is ashamed of herself.

I haven't read the full thread but OP you are not making a big deal about this. Reading your account I feel deeply uncomfortable because I'm reading an account of abuse (physical abuse and abuse of power). It doesn't matter how "normal" this was in the 80s and 90s, that doesn't make it okay. I'm so sorry you experienced this and it is completely understandable that the trauma of it would surface now as you're a mum yourself.

As a child brought up in the 60s I was going to say that I was given the odd wack and I have absolutely no resentment towards my lovely parents….but reading that your Mum actually drove you home and then pulled your pants down is absolutely bloody shocking!! She did have time to calm down.
Parents make bad choices about discipline every day and that is still the case ,but that example you gave ,is shocking.

Sorry haven't rtft. I am the same age, and me and my siblings were smacked. It's not something that I wanted to carry on when I had my DC, plus it's just not the done thing in society today. I'm glad that we have information and tools to try to do better.

I don't think that it's worth bring it up with your mum, but it might be worth bringing it up in counselling or therapy for yourself. It sounds like a traumatic experience for you.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I wouldn't bother trying to resolve this with your mum. Mine also denies things she did to me as a child and trying to talk to her about it only upsets me more. I found therapy so helpful in managing these feelings and I would highly recommend that you get some help in working through them with someone. Wishing you the best in resolving these feelings.

I was smacked once or twice. Bitten once cos I bit my brother. Never by my dad. Genuinely, the smacking by my mum has affected me much less than the sarcasm and being ignored by my dad. Mainly I think, because my mum's love was completely enveloping. I have never hit my kids, but I think I have been meaner to them than my mum ever was to me.

I think what stopped me from hitting my kids was the idea that if you hit them, you're hitting out of anger, and an adult should be able to control that.

My mother smacked me occasionally-!I was a. Child of the 70s

and it was normal. My father lost control on one occasion and beat my legs with a rubber tube breaking the skin. Weeks later he asked me what the cuts on my legs were from and when I told him he looked horrified. He died when I was 9 and my mother told me when I was older that he had been violent to her on a regular basis. I was traumatised by his death but probably it was for the best

I was part of that era too. I don't remember my parents ever doing it excessively though. I have one memory that stands out when I was being really naughty and not going to bed - my mum screamed at me and smacked me much harder than usual. Reflecting on that incident now I can see why she was in the mood she was. It turned out my dad was a serial cheater and she was terrified he would leave her for another woman. She was a nurse and was exhausted from working nights.

Maybe moving on from this is the wrong way of looking at it. Understanding why she did it might be more beneficial and help you to get some kind of closure. Parents aren't perfect and they're always going to make mistakes when they're in a bad mood or are experiencing stress themselves.

I would consider counselling and talking it through with someone before you go to your mum.

I was a child in the 80s. I was smacked on the legs once by my mum, when I was about 9. She'd heard me shout a swear word, which I genuinely didnt even realise was a bad word. My mum was/is a really kind loving mum. But that smack has stayed with my to this day. I don't even think it was particularly hard, but she did it in front of my friend which added to the humiliation. Looking back, I do think it put a bit of a wall up between us. Though Id never tell her as she'd be heartbroken. As an adult, I've let it go and forgiven her as it was a generational thing, but there's still a part of me that is really sad for that little girl.
My DD is around the same age I was. I'd never smack her in a million years. I just couldnt and wouldnt. I've never even had to raise my voice to her, she's so good. So was I, which is probably why I was only smacked once.

@Feelinglow27 I could have written your post, almost word for word. It took me ages to fully understand that I have low self esteem and look for signals someone doesn't like me - even doubting my lovely dh loves me, or being on egg shells if he is a bit (justifiably) grumpy about something not aimed at me at all, because to me the consequences of that were awful such as silent treatment, simmering anger and just a lot of emotional abuse, plus smacking when little. I have such conflicted feelings about my father.
I completely understand why OP still thinks about the incident with her mum. It definitely doesn't sound like the quick momentary smack on the leg that a lot of parents did then, often when a child was in danger, so if you crossed the road without looking. Or just as a consequence of being naughty in the moment. There is something altogether more sinister about making a child wait to be physically punished. I really think it is evil

@purpledaze24 that sounds absolutely abusive and I'm so sorry for you.
I was slapped and beaten by both parents as a child. I remember my father kicking me for asking him a question and I fell over. I was 7. Another time he beat me until I wet myself, belts, fists, wooden spoons. You name it.
I'm almost 40 and they are still abusive. Verbally now. I'm still afraid of him too.

Thatt was not a smack that was a beating and totally abusive. Your mom was taking her own shame and embassassment out on a 4 year old. It's very common for that age to be shy with adults and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I was brought up in the 60s and a smack was a tap on the hand not a humiliation with my panties down. There was no anger and it was very rare. .Go to counselling as its a very good time to discuss it when it's so fresh in your mind because of your own little girl. This experience will have haad a profound affect on you and hopefully counselling will help

I got smacked a few times for doing naughty things. If my memory serves I rarely did them again. So no I cannot say I have any ill feeling about it whatsoever. It was the done thing at the time.

I remember by Grandad telling me about how he used to get up to all kinds of nonsense with his best mate at school. He had one especially authoritarian Scotsman as a Chemistry teacher. One day he was behaving properly but yet he was called to the front of the class and asked to put out his hand. WALLOP! an absolute full force smash on his hand with the cane!
"What was that for sir?"
"That's for the times that I don't catch you child!"

Every generation will remember things that their parents did and ask how it could have possibly been considered acceptable at the time.. No doubt our children will be thinking the same in years to come, about something or other that we are all doing today.

That sounds horrific. I’m so sorry that happened to you OP.

This . Really good advice. Parents did / do the wrong/ bad decisions when I was young and definitely not to be proud of .
It’s human nature and now as a Grandma I do think that my daughter makes good choices for her child but there are times where I don’t agree that the child rules ..discipline is good for children 🤷‍♀️

What your mum did was wrong but unfortunately, it was a common occurrence which was acceptable at the time. I was smacked as a child and personally I don't feel it affected me because I understand that in those days people thought it was ok to smack children. It doesn't make it right, but I know my parents loved me and did the best they could with the knowledge and understanding they had at the time. It seems like your Mum might have lost control in that incident which is why it is probably so traumatic and frightening for you? My mum once lost control and slapped me on the face. While I was absolutely horrified and traumatised at the time, as an adult I can look back and understand that she might have had a whole load of shit going on that I know nothing about. I don't know what your personal circumstances were growing up, and I am not condoning your mother's behaviour, but I wonder if maybe she was going through something in her personal life that you would not have been aware of? Perhaps she was under pressure at work or she had a major argument with your father, or she had serious financial worries? I must emphasise I am not trying to minimise what she did or say that it was ok, I just think that it may help you to ask yourself these questions. It must have been really frightening for you to have experienced this as a small child. I think the important questions to ask now are, do you/did you feel loved by your mum then/now? Was she a good mum overall or were her actions traumatic because she has never been a good mum or did you feel unloved overall during your childhood? If you decide you want to bring up this past event which is clearly painful for you and possibly shameful for your mother, it might damage the relationship you currently have with her beyond repair. Is the need to bring up this painful memory worth risking the relationship you now have with your mother? Only you can answer these questions. I hope that you can find a way to make peace with this and make sense of what happened to you as a child.

That’s awful OP. I’m sorry that happened to you. You remember so much detail because it was traumatic. YADNBU.