To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

[purpledaze24]

I was born in 1985 and like many 80s/90s kids was smacked now and again by my mum. But it's not until becoming a mother myself and my daughter now approaching the age that I was when I remember a particularly traumatic smacking incident that I have become to feel angry and resentful about why my mother did this. Looking at my little girl, even in her "naughtiest" moments I can't ever imagine hitting her and it makes me struggle to get my head round how my mum could (for the most part - although a selfish person, a loving mother) have hit me like she did and for the reasons behind it.

The traumatic incident I feel resentful about (the rest of the time, while I obviously don't agree with smacking full stop, I'm totally over) it's just this one incident that really gets me. I remember it in a weird amount of detail. I was 4, I'd just started reception and looking back I probably had selective mutism. I was fine with other kids but was unable to speak to other adults other than my parents or very close relatives I saw regularly. I wasn't even able to ask my teacher to go to the toilet so I ended up wetting myself a lot (which I was also shouted at or ignored for). I was terrified of school and extremely clingy with my mum and often pretended to have stomach aches so she'd keep me off. So this one particular day I was off school and she had to go to my old nursery for some reason. We drove there and I remember her saying you can either come inside or stay in the car but if you come inside you have to promise to answer your ex-nursery teacher's questions. Being a 4-year-old all I understood was that I'd get to see my little brother and old friends and play in the sandpit so of course I said I promise. As we were leaving I remember my old teacher saying "how's big school going?" and me hiding behind my mum's skirt being unable to make eye-contact with her or answer her question. It's just the way I was, I'm sure she was a very nice woman but I was terrified of all adults. So my mum's response was to put me back in the car and ignore me all the way home. I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated. I just don't understand how she could punish me so viciously for being shy (or possibly having a disorder, which she refused to consider and told my teacher to get lost when she suggested I see a child psychologist). I grew out of it eventually but have never let go of that feeling of resentment and as I said it's resurfaced now my DD is nearly 4. Consequently I never expect my DD to talk to anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable, not matter how rude it comes across. I believe it's a skill we learn at our own varying paces.

To give context, my mum was a pretty well-adjusted person, didn't use drugs, didn't use alcohol excessively, she was, at the time married to may dad, middle-class, fairly comfortable life and she herself had a good upbringing (although was also smacked). She was also very loving most if the time. I did casually mention this incident a few years ago and she laughed it off and said "I'd never have done that". So at the time I just left it. Should I try bringing this up with her again? (this is by far not the only example of her bad parenting but the rest happened much later - in my teen years) it may sound ridiculous and I don't have an explanation why, but to this day I still think about it regularly (since triggered by my own DD) and it's affecting our relationship (amongst other things). Should I try talking to her about it again or is it pointless? Or I am making a big deal about it? Was stuff like this fairly standard in the 80s?

You're almost 40. It really is time to make peace with it and let it go.

As for her remembering or not, she may truly not remember it.
I remember my adult son apologizing to me for throwing one of my plant stands down the stairs breaking it when he was a teen.

You'd think I would remember that but I truly don't.

I accepted the apology and told him it was ok.

I have forgotten names of co workers from the past and even the building location of a few places.

I've recalled stories to my kids that they don't remember at all.

Our memories arent so great in reality.

Same era, also smacked. I'm not sure it worked to shape my behaviour because I remember not knowing if the "bad thing" I'd done meant I'd get smacked or not. I certainly remember bracing for it and my mum 'lovingly' telling me she didn't smack for accidents. The fact I didn't know what punishment I was getting (through adult/parent eyes now) suggests the punishment was ineffective and more about her power than being 'in my best interests'.

Like you I realised when I had my own kids what a shitty thing it was to do. She found all elements of parenting very hard though, not really cut out for it, and isn't a warm grandma either.

I agree about telling a therapist OP. Probably better to tell someone who'll validate your feelings.

Also rather than bringing up the incident with your mum, I wonder if a better approach might be to bring up the mutism itself?
you could talk about how it felt as a child and just see where the conversation goes? You could even point out that it must’ve been difficult for your mum to know how to approach it given there was far less info at the time. This might be a less threatening conversation to have to begin with, but I’d still be careful going into it. As you’re feeling (understandably) upset about it at the moment it could be a really tough conversation and she might say some stuff that’s hurtful if she still hasn’t moved on in her understanding and knowledge of this stuff.
Above all just hang on to the fact that she’s a loving mum and yes she made mistakes. I think all loving parents are terrified of messing up with their kids and just trying to do their best.
she was in a culture where (1) smacking was normal (2) behaving “properly” in company was a must.

Lots of children got the occasional smack in those times, but what you describe goes well beyond what was then 'normal' and sounds abusive. I'm not surprised you haven't forgotten it.

What?!

I could have written this post OP. I was born in the early 70's when it was commonplace so I'm a bit shocked this still happened in the 80's.

Yes it was wrong and I'm not surprised you're feeling resentful. I like to think our generations would never do that to children now.

I'm not sure if you would ever get closure by asking your Mum about it now and that is totally up to you and what you feel you need to do. I'm just glad that society has moved on since then.

Having my own children highlighted how abusive my parents were to each other and to us kids. We were smacked, smacked with slippers and mum said dad wasn't allowed to smack us as he hit us so hard it would leave marks. Both my parents should have done better, I wish I had different parents. I don't like either of them as people.
I adore my children and could never imagine hurting them.

I'd get the occasional smack when I was a child. I'll be totally honest and say it really hasn't had an effect on me personally. ALL of my friends got smacked (80s) so it just seemed normal at the time. It seems horrific now and I've never laid a hand on my children.
Hopefully you can find some resolution to this; I'm not sure if you will get an answer from your mum that will satisfy you unfortunately.

I was smacked as a child but I could be defiant and a little shit. I remember it well and the stinging made me regret my crappy behaviour.

It might not have been the kind thing to do but it was the done thing in the 80s and didn't do me any harm.

I guess your mum was probably fed up of you refusing to speak so hence she gave you the option of staying in the car and made it clear that if you came in you needed to talk. You made that choice, and if you were as shy as I was you'd have known you'd never speak to the adult do should have stayed in the car. I can see why your mum was exasperated by your behaviour so she took her anger out on you. I'm not condoning her actions but I can see why she did it.

Sorry but this is bad advice. OP’s mum clearly has her own perception and memory of events and it’s really unlikely that a letter like this is going to have the effect OP wants, and where does she go from there? It’s either the end of the relationship or the source of even more upset and resentment.

You made that choice, and if you were as shy as I was you'd have known you'd never speak to the adult do should have stayed in the car.

OP was four years old! Completely unreasonable to expect a child of that age to have that degree of foresight and understanding of their condition.

This isn't a business matter.

I was born in the early 80s and on occasion, my mum smacked me when I was really pushing her buttons. It was very occasional and only when I was older and to be honest, I deserved it. I could see how upset I had made her and I always felt awful as she was a lovely mum. My dad never smacked me although he did clip my brothers ears on occasion when they were fighting to teach them a lesson.

I don't hold it against my mum, nor am I upset with her.

However - I don't think your story is normal at all. Quite abusive and shocking actually. I had tears in my eyes for you reading it.

I have a little boy now and I couldn't ever imagine smacking him at all. I am the adult and he's so small and vulnerable compared to me. I think our generation has learnt other ways in which to parent and discipline that don't involve violence (thank goodness).

You poor thing. I'd like to give you a hug!

I was never smacked as a child of the 80s by either of my parents. My mum was never smacked. My dad was smacked by his dad and he hated him.

My DH was physically and mentally abused by his parents, is now non contact and wouldn’t under any circumstances lift a finger to our son.

Quite frankly, anyone who smacks or mentally abuses a child is a fucking lunatic regardless of their upbringing / or if was ‘just how things were’.

I can’t believe some posters are brushing that incident off as normal! DH and I were also born in ‘85 and never treated like that. The ignoring, the repeated hitting over and over - that is absolutely horrible.
I don’t know whether you can get closure from your Mum but please know OP that was not typical discipline and extremely unkind.

My parents hit/smacked/slapped too. I also find it revolting. I also know that they would blame me (say I was naughty they had to), or minimise (it was just a little tap), or deny outright. So I have not raised it but I have not forgotten it and I do hold it against them. Which they may or may not know but I can't help that.

I understand what you're saying OP. I also have a DD and since having her I have had many flashbacks to my own childhood and upbringing and it hugely affects how I parent today. As a child I endured so much anger, aggression, being ignored, some smacking - often it was for no reason or for made up reasons. I now feel very triggered if my DD cries after being "told off" (and I don't raise my voice the most she would get would be a stern word). It breaks my heart to think of any four year old suffering physical pain at the hands of their most trusted caregiver, and I'm certain much of my anxiety stems from my "strict" (possibly abusive) upbringing.

I think you should speak to your mum - tell her that you have been thinking about your childhood and you have vivid memories of things that you can't shake off and you'd like to discuss them. Be open minded, hopefully she will accept it happened. However she sounds like my DM who denies it all.

Classic abuse line 'I'd never have done that' she isn't ever going to take responsibility for her cold calculating attack on you for not meeting her (unrealistic) expectations. Don't leave your child alone with her.

I totally agree.

get over it

It sounds like your mother was at the end of her tether with your 'behaviour', she likely felt, disappointed, upset, humiliated and goodness knows what else and she took out her frustration on you. I am not excusing her btw, I was slapped occasionally as a child but it was on the arms or the legs, I think slapping a child on their bare bum is quite weird actually. I don't think you can force her to 'remember', so for your own sake perhaps you should try to let it go.

That's messed up @fattytum

What a helpful comment.

@purpledaze24 I am a year younger than you. I was hit repeatedly as a child. Similar emotional abuse but that side of things I can understand more as my parents each had troubled upbringings.

I too was part of a middle class family. I now have a child and even before my child I gradually in my thirties had already become quite sickened by what they had done. But like you, after having a child, it hurts even more. Posters saying it was what happened at the time… well yes, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it wasn’t damaging, and that an apology wouldn’t go amiss. My parents have done what your mum did, essentially deny it. I don’t know if they have blocked it out or they are ashamed but I totally get why you feel like you do. It’s like after everything, your experience is also invalidated by them.

I have given up mentioning it now. It makes me too sad. The times that haunt me most are the ones that were calculated… the same as you describe. One day driving back home my dad lost it with me and said he would batter me when we got back. In the car I was terrified for around an hour. When we got back I ran upstairs and hid and he stormed round looking for me. I still remember how panicked I was.

My post isn’t helpful I don’t think but I wanted to know you’re not alone. My parents, like you say your mum was, were loving and good parents in other ways. If I were you I would try and take from it that you are a better mother from what you’ve been through, and try and leave it there. I don’t know if that’s good advice but in my experience trying to pick at something where another person can’t even accept what happened, will only hurt you more. I hear you, I believe you, I get it, and you’re not alone in your experience. I hope you’re ok and can find a way to move forward from this peacefully.

Smacked ?? I was born in the 50's and it wasn't unusual for me, our mum or my siblings to get a good hiding from our dad. Punches, kicks or a black eye were an everyday occurences in our house. I hated him, he was an absolute bully.