To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

[purpledaze24]

I was born in 1985 and like many 80s/90s kids was smacked now and again by my mum. But it's not until becoming a mother myself and my daughter now approaching the age that I was when I remember a particularly traumatic smacking incident that I have become to feel angry and resentful about why my mother did this. Looking at my little girl, even in her "naughtiest" moments I can't ever imagine hitting her and it makes me struggle to get my head round how my mum could (for the most part - although a selfish person, a loving mother) have hit me like she did and for the reasons behind it.

The traumatic incident I feel resentful about (the rest of the time, while I obviously don't agree with smacking full stop, I'm totally over) it's just this one incident that really gets me. I remember it in a weird amount of detail. I was 4, I'd just started reception and looking back I probably had selective mutism. I was fine with other kids but was unable to speak to other adults other than my parents or very close relatives I saw regularly. I wasn't even able to ask my teacher to go to the toilet so I ended up wetting myself a lot (which I was also shouted at or ignored for). I was terrified of school and extremely clingy with my mum and often pretended to have stomach aches so she'd keep me off. So this one particular day I was off school and she had to go to my old nursery for some reason. We drove there and I remember her saying you can either come inside or stay in the car but if you come inside you have to promise to answer your ex-nursery teacher's questions. Being a 4-year-old all I understood was that I'd get to see my little brother and old friends and play in the sandpit so of course I said I promise. As we were leaving I remember my old teacher saying "how's big school going?" and me hiding behind my mum's skirt being unable to make eye-contact with her or answer her question. It's just the way I was, I'm sure she was a very nice woman but I was terrified of all adults. So my mum's response was to put me back in the car and ignore me all the way home. I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated. I just don't understand how she could punish me so viciously for being shy (or possibly having a disorder, which she refused to consider and told my teacher to get lost when she suggested I see a child psychologist). I grew out of it eventually but have never let go of that feeling of resentment and as I said it's resurfaced now my DD is nearly 4. Consequently I never expect my DD to talk to anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable, not matter how rude it comes across. I believe it's a skill we learn at our own varying paces.

To give context, my mum was a pretty well-adjusted person, didn't use drugs, didn't use alcohol excessively, she was, at the time married to may dad, middle-class, fairly comfortable life and she herself had a good upbringing (although was also smacked). She was also very loving most if the time. I did casually mention this incident a few years ago and she laughed it off and said "I'd never have done that". So at the time I just left it. Should I try bringing this up with her again? (this is by far not the only example of her bad parenting but the rest happened much later - in my teen years) it may sound ridiculous and I don't have an explanation why, but to this day I still think about it regularly (since triggered by my own DD) and it's affecting our relationship (amongst other things). Should I try talking to her about it again or is it pointless? Or I am making a big deal about it? Was stuff like this fairly standard in the 80s?

@purpledaze24
I grew up in the 70s and my dad used to hit me on the head very hard. I've always resented it and I think it has probably affected me quite badly, though I'd never dream of hurting my DC. Mental health professionals have been talking about treating people for ptsd, not just for ex soldiers etc but average people who've had to deal with harsh realities. Maybe ask your gp.

But she had a car journey to think about it. That is not ‘at the end of her tether’. That’s calculated abuse.

I can not imagine any circumstances where I’d purposefully spend an entire car journey thinking about how I was going to hurt my own child when we get home. Grim.

I was abused when I was younger. One of the feelings I remember was having anger taken out of me. That uncontrolled anger where the frustrations and fury going inside the parent are relieved by violence on their child. This stuff is highly damaging.
I think you have every right to bring it up with your mum. Saying that you remember it and it’s causing you issues now. I wouldn’t expect an apology though.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can absolutely see why it weighs on your mind so much. Having our own children does make us re-examine our own childhood.

I wouldn't approach your mum yet. If you can, access a therapist to discuss this with first. They can help resolve it within yourself, and will have strategies for talking to your mum about it.

Totally disagree. You can teach a child discipline without physically punishing them. It's brutal and teaches them that violence is the answer. Anyone who hits a child deserves to be hit in return by someone who is four times bigger than them.

Hmm. A lot to unpack there.

OP after having my DD I also reflect on my childhood and it seems more painful now. Fuck these PPs who are saying they didn't know better. Doesn't matter. It was still unfair and cruel and its OK to still feel upset by it. I'd suggest therapy tbh, your mom doesn't sound like she's going to acknowledge it, just like mine.

If she was otherwise a good mum, what do you hope to achieve? She either doesn't remember it, or recalls it differently to you, or is denying it.

It does sound very unpleasant but there's a bit of a thing right now for adults holding their parents accountable and blaming them for all sorts. One way or another, we have to try, as adults, to find a way to make peace with our childhoods. Holding on to this resentment for thirty odd years is not healthy. Unless something so awful happened that you no longer want a relationship with her, of course.

Smacking was commonplace, then. I was also born in 1985. I was smacked as a child - I don't begrudge my parents. Goodness knows worse things have happened.

So many people on here hate smacking, but teachers are saying there has been a serious decline in behaviour, and there seem to be record numbers of kids needing therapy. I am not saying this is because we don't smack anymore, but clearly something has gone awry in this generation of 'softly, softly' parenting too. I wonder what our kids will say about us.

I don't think you will get any kind of closure from talking to your mum, so you either need to speak to someone else e.g. a friend or a therapist, or try and put it behind you.

People are setting the bar far too low in terms of what an adult (assuming there is no dementia) can remember about what they did when they were a younger adult. I’m willing to bet your mum absolutely does remember the incident OP, and is gaslighting you because she is as aware as anyone else of how awful it must have been for you, and also how taboo corporal punishment is now.

You’ve got two choices I guess - keep speaking the truth back at her, which could cause a breakdown in your relationship but might be better for your mental health in the long term, or nod and go ‘yep, Ok mum, that didn’t happen’ and let her stew with the fact that it definitely did. If her memory really is that bad then of course you’ve got no hope, but the fact that she says ‘that never happened’ rather than ‘yes, I did that but I was completely justified’ suggests to me that she knows damn well what she did and she’s actually quite ashamed.

My dad hit me on a few occasions - one of them very, very unfair (I said a swear word when I had no idea what it meant) and years later when he had died, my mum denied that either of them had ever hit me. I am absolutely sure she was lying in the hope that I would question my own childhood memory - another common trait of that generation ‘deny it/don’t mention it and it won’t be true’.

You’ll do better than that for your own daughter. And if she does come back at you in a few years to tell you something you did was upsetting to her, you’ll respond better to that too.

I can totally understand why you are traumatised by that experience...expecially your point that it was calculated rather than being angry in the moment and actually you didn't do anything naughty. I also have a 4 year old who's just started reception so it hit a nerve. Sad that she won't admit it and say sorry. Not really sure what advice I have... I think relationships with mothers can be tough especially when you have your own children.

I had the slipper from Dad a few times, and the belt once. As@Flapjacker48said though, it doesn't matter because it was legal when it happened to me in the early 1990s.

Go back another 10-15 years and you had canings from your teacher!

My father smacking me, etc, as a child has resulted in me being a people pleaser, having anxiety and fight or fight mode/high alert mode always switched on... which has led to terrible relationship skills, and me always looking for clues that the other person secretly hates me. I couldn't trust the person who was supposed to love and protect me as a child, so I couldn't really trust anyone.

My relationship with my father whilst on the surface fine, always has this bubbling underneath. I can never fully relax with him even though now he's 70.

I should have therapy but i cba with men anyway.

Long term consequences for me. So I get it.

You've expressed it far better than I. I remember my own (wonderful) mam being very concerned about what others thought, and we were warned not to 'Show her up'.

I was smacked quite viciously by both parents. I admit I was a difficult child but I’m fairly sure I have undiagnosed adhd which got worse which I reached puberty. I can’t forgive them but I don’t bring it up because it won’t change anything.
Consequently I have never laid a hand on my own children. I try to tell myself that it was just a different time. They didn’t know how to help me!

Our form of punishment if we was naughty was to try and get up the stairs before my dads hand came through the bannisters and caught us on the bum. Not very hard either. I still remember it in a fond way.

I still remember shouting at my son once ( never hit ) and still feel guilty over it.

However what you describe is horrific abuse. Calm and calculated. Like she was thinking of doing it all the way home. Id never forget that.

How about getting some counselling and taking it through with a trained therapist ? Your mum appears to have blocked it from her mind in denial so I doubt you’ll make much progress with her.

People worried a lot about what other people thought. Or they did in my small rural community. I wet myself in church once because my dad wouldn’t take me to the toilet. I was about 7! It was mortifying but he just assumed I could hold it. Children really were expected to be seen and not heard.

Definitely this. It is really distressing even to think about, never mind to experience. Then to have it denied! I am so sorry op x

This. I was from a "naice" middle class home devout churchgoing parents living together but I was regularly emotionally and verbally abused (with some mild violence and threats of more severe violence ) for having some learning and emotional issues. Parents didn't believe in mental health because of their religion, they were extreme types and refused to have me asessed. My sister developed suicidal depression in her teens and was punished for it , I was a self harmer with an ED and social anxiety and was treated violently and shamed for that. The abusive parent was also abusive to my other parent.

no one knew. He did give my mum a black eye once but aside from that I never bruised or left any evidence

My father's response to my dyscaluclia and my mental health issues was saying he would beat it out of me and screaming at me how worthless I was. Oh and tell me to kill myself already. To my sister's depression he told her he would kill her and hide the body if she didn't stop talking about her problems or if she told anyone outside the family

I was sexually assaulted more than once to be fair it wasn't rape or anything awful and I probably should never have told and just forgotten it (I had forgotten much worse after all without making a fuss) but youngsters response was to get angry with me for trying to cause trouble and he told me if I told the police they would laugh at me.

There's a lot more I could say but he denied a lot of things he did including using a knife against my sister when she was young. He just laughed and said "sounds like something I would have done" then changed the subject.

to be fair he is better than he used to be in the past he would tell us we were lying that we were evil, demon possessed etc.

I understand the fear of "oh, my abuse wasn't real trauma." My head had been telling me for years . It's like my dad is in my head. But I now have a therapist who is treating me for BPD and Complex PTS D ( several suicide attempts , runs in with the law, failed career, multiple broken relationships and an assault on my best friend (I'm not proud of that, I promise . And my trauma only explains not excuses it) later I am now heard and seen. And finally, believed).

I know it's hard to access therapy these days but i promise you it's worth a try . I also recommend The But We Took You to Stately Homes Thread on Mumsnet.

Definitely don't do this.

Oh and I also found Peter Walkers Complex Trauma: From Surviving to Thriving very helpful. At the beginning of my recovery I would have read it and been like "nah, this isn't me, I don't have actual trauma."

it's been years since and I'm in a different and much better place than I was though the self doubt still tried to eat at me. I'm learning ways to move through it now, journalling, exploring why am I feeling the way I do? Noticing. I've had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and trauma based talking therapy . Done a bit of inner child work as there was some dissociation. And some early childhood sexual abuse and domestic abuse that I blanked out completely or the was too young remember consciously but my sister who did recall it filled me in on.

You are very much not unreasonable to be angry at how your mum treated you. Sorry this happened to you.

My dad doesn’t remember similar incidents - hitting my bum with a shoe three of four times as a primary aged child. I have spoken to him about it a few times as an adult and he was embarrassed but claimed not to remember. I see him as a kind and thoughtful man so I find it difficult to understand.

I put it down to the perfect storm - the era with its dodgy norms (the slipper and belt was used in my school), weird religious and Victorian family ideology (kids seen not heard, rule by the rod), parental general stress/depression and ignorant parenting skills which left children’s emotional needs unmet.

I have moved on. I challenged them and eventually forgave them. As a child and adult I had a very strong morals

YANBU OP. Even if physical punishment was commonplace then it doesn't make it okay. I second the PP's recommendation of Phillipa Perry's book "the book you wish your parents had read..."

I don't think it will do any good to bring it up with your mum. It happened and that can't be undone. I can understand why you feel like this though. All you can do is to try to put it behind you, in the past where it belongs, and try not to fret about it.

It was a different age, when most parents smacked their children.

My eldest was born 1985 and l never ever ever smacked her. Never smacked my youngest either.
I was a single parent.
I think you need counselling rather than confronting your mother.

I agree that it was bad back then, but, it seemed to be the norm. I was smacked with wooden spoons, slippers, anything handy. Remember, kids would also sit next to their parents or in their car, with cigarette smoke. No way would you do that today. This is the bit about counselling that I find it hard to get my head around....should we hold our parents responsible for doing what was considered normal at the time?