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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder how parents deal with once child being more successful than the other?

331 replies

User5512 · 08/10/2023 18:54

Is it hard to not feel sorry for the “poorer” child?

DC A : Got lucky with their first job at a start up, successful exit after 5 yrs. invested wisely and is now a multi millionaire. Great lifestyle, flexible pay, very high paying jobs (C level) etc

DC B: NHS consultant, stressful job, relatively lower pay, very little flexibility. Married to another NHS doctor.

Parents support DC B a lot (childcare mostly) and DC-A gets quite annoyed as they don’t get as much support. They can afford to pay, but you can’t buy grandparents.

DC-B feels left out when DC-A takes parents on exotic holidays with their family, gives them expensive gifts (cars and watches etc)

Parents feel stuck in the middle !

OP posts:
Thatsridiculous · 08/10/2023 19:55

In my opinion, both DC in this scenario are successful.

I have some experience of this. DH is more
successful than his sibling from a financial perspective. Not to the extent that we could share money.

It is linked to how hard they have worked and also the choices they have made. They are also very different people.

DH has worked harder - at school, at university and in his career.

In laws seem to favour DH’s sibling - seem to think he deserves more of their help and support. We are close to in laws though - we have a good relationship overall. But I sometimes feel like they feel they have to make excuses for their other child constantly. Especially my mother in law. He can do no wrong in her eyes.

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 19:57

Grandparents should spend roughly equal time with each DGC if at all possible. It's not fair to give so much time to some DGC and not to others. Both DC are successful. Neither are poor.

Glassnearlyempty · 08/10/2023 19:57

An NHS consultant is not a success? What world are you living in? Both children are successful. Earning power isn’t the measure of success.

Bansheed · 08/10/2023 19:59

I am DC A. DCB &C often come on holidays with us. We rent a villa and fill it up with friends and family. I paid off my DC2s debts in his 30s. Pay everythibg for DC C when we are together. Dinner is always on me of our DF if we meet up. We're close so happy to help. DcB helped me massively with childcare this summer. I live my siblings and they love me. Our parents are a bit dysfunctional, so the siblings are closer

Firebug007 · 08/10/2023 19:59

It's not about childcare or wealth/success, as you said DCA can afford to outsource that. The complaint is that you spend a lot more time and are presumably closer, to one set of GC over the other and for that alone you are being unreasonable.

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 19:59

I've got 4 sisters. We each have varying degrees of wealth. One sister and I have much more than our 3 sisters die to choices we took in life. My Mum died after my Dad and left in her will everything she had to be split equally between all 5 of us.

kiddosbedtimealready · 08/10/2023 20:00

Weird, why are you so involved in the sibling rivalry of your cousins. I thought the post was a humblebrag by the parents TBH, but now I'm just confused.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 08/10/2023 20:00

Bansheed · 08/10/2023 19:59

I am DC A. DCB &C often come on holidays with us. We rent a villa and fill it up with friends and family. I paid off my DC2s debts in his 30s. Pay everythibg for DC C when we are together. Dinner is always on me of our DF if we meet up. We're close so happy to help. DcB helped me massively with childcare this summer. I live my siblings and they love me. Our parents are a bit dysfunctional, so the siblings are closer

See, this is what I expect from siblings. I'm happy to join the fold Grin

Strulch73 · 08/10/2023 20:00

This is clearly a wind up!

Flowerpowera7 · 08/10/2023 20:00

Time is the most expensive thing in the world. Make sure grandparents spend same amount of time with both GC. It does not matter if its a walk in the park or fancy holiday.

Ponderingwindow · 08/10/2023 20:01

We are arguably much more successful financially than Dh’s sibling’s family. Neither household is in jeopardy. We have definitely noticed that his parents favor helping out the sibling over us. They have even gone so far as to cancel planned well in advance babysitting for an important appointment at the last minute just because the sibling asked them to babysit. It definitely stings.

we are also more comfortable than my sibling. My family has occasionally helped my sibling out financially even. The family offers no practical support to either of us though, so the financial imbalance doesn’t feel like a slight.

peebles32 · 08/10/2023 20:02

This is me. The poorer child. I am a teacher and my sister is super rich! My parents helped me out a little more when I first started. She went into finance and myself into a job in knew would never make me rich.
Just different life choices and I think my parents are proud of us both for different reasons.

TheLightProgramme · 08/10/2023 20:04

One of my sibs is financially quite a bit worse off than others. They & husband both work & have decent jobs but public sector, and have had a bit of poor luck. Siblings spouse also comes from a family with less resources so has had less help.

My parents help them financially, it is discussed as a family, and no objects. They needs it, i don't, end of story. Whenever i can i help too. Its family, i won't see them without

MarliJae · 08/10/2023 20:05

In my family, ‘less successful’ sibling and his wife have not spoken to ‘more successful sibling’ for years. Fall out caused by petty jealousy & demands.

Parents of both siblings are easier on the less successful sibling and pander to them. A period of NC means parents are scared to have any difficult conversations for fear of more NC.

More successful sibling, let's it go, often feeling ‘second best’ in parents eyes.

Parents often talk about being ‘piggy in the middle’.

Parents help neither financially.

tiredinoratia · 08/10/2023 20:05

And this is another example of why capitalism sucks.

Waffle78 · 08/10/2023 20:05

Child B is just as successful in their own right. Just because their not a multi millionaire like child A. I'm sure child B would be who they would ask for medical advice. Don't downplay child B's success just because they earn less money. Two NHS doctors are hardly earning so little they are living in poverty.

mjhb · 08/10/2023 20:06

I have a similar situation in my family.

The parents shouldn't make a difference - money can't buy relationships.

TiredCatLady · 08/10/2023 20:07

Well, neither are exactly hard up.

Perhaps DC A feels that they’ve always been sidelined in favour of their younger sibling (not uncommon and I certainly was) so this is feeding resentment when through self reliance and hard work (not “luck” as you put it) they’ve wound up superficially appearing to do better.

All about perspective…

nicas · 08/10/2023 20:07

larlypops · 08/10/2023 19:02

My brother is a lot more successful than me and there’s no divide whatsoever.
But if you help out one child it should be done evenly or not at all

Hardly. You help whoever needs help.

BandicootCrash · 08/10/2023 20:08

Could the wealthier sibling pay some childcare costs for the other one? I see that it's difficult for the grandparents to split their time fairly between between grandchildren when one set of parents "needs" the childcare more, but at the end of the day, both sets of grandchildren need them equally.

XelaM · 08/10/2023 20:08

My younger brother is more successful than me. He even went to my childhood dream universities - Cambridge and then Harvard whereas I didn't get into Cambridge and never even tried for Harvard. I can honestly say that I don't feel any resentment whatsoever and I'm super proud of him and tell everyone about my very smart younger brother.

Whattodowithit88 · 08/10/2023 20:08

I think both kids need to grow up and stop putting the grandparents in the middle!

Rich family A should be able to take the parents on expensive holidays and treat them if they wish, they enjoy spending time with them and feelings of jealousy shouldn’t arise from child B.

Of course child B will have a bit more help, they struggle more and whilst child A is correct that you can’t buy grandparents…you can’t have everything and jealousy shouldn’t arise as child A gets lovely holidays with them.

Both children are right to the circumstances they find themselves in but should control their jealously!! This is not on the grandparents and no one should have negative feelings from this, grow up the lot of you.

Purplefriends · 08/10/2023 20:09

Bloody hell. Both are successful children, and financially very well off.

i can’t imagine a more manufactured ‘problem’ than this one. What a ridiculous family if this is causing a rift.

Never had the phrase ‘get over yourselves’ been more apt.

Hayliebells · 08/10/2023 20:10

DC B seems just as successful as A, if not more so, no? I mean, they've done medical school, all their further training to become a consultant, and are now of great use to society. But I do think if I was A, and grandparents were spending a lot more time with B's children than theirs, I'd be a bit pissed off too. A paid childcare provider isn't the same. B should get over themselves about the holidays though, their sibling doesn't owe them anything, and A's free to take their parents away if that's what they want.

Ginger1982 · 08/10/2023 20:10

DC B has chosen a career path that is going to involve long hours, shift work etc. So by making that choice, they have signed up for the downsides as well as the upsides.