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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I forgive this?

120 replies

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:03

Middle dd had a very bad time at her previous school. Her closest friend was regularly physically and emotionally bullying her with another girl who they'd started playing with. They were in Y3 and Y4 at the time.

This went on over a long period of time and caused dd a lot of distress. She still struggles to trust girls her own age because of this.

The school couldn't resolve it and the bully's mum (one time good friend) refused to talk/acknowledge the problem. This meant dd had to leave her school and start afresh. It was very disruptive to her education and she lost the friends she had at the school.

Since then, the girl's mother has contacted me numerous times to say how her daughter missed dd/wants to see her/has written her letters. I've never replied to her as I am trying to move on.

Today they have come to our home and knocked on the door. We were in the kitchen so didn't answer the door but they've posted a letter through.

My dd is very soft hearted and would probably forgive this girl but my feeling is the whole thing is toxic. I also feel angry at how horrible this girl was. AIBU?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 07/10/2023 14:05

Is that mum insane? Your daughter had to leave her school because of her daughter and she's bringing her round to the house?

MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister · 07/10/2023 14:07

I couldn't forgive that. Definitely not being unreasonable. Chuck the note away

CornedBeef451 · 07/10/2023 14:08

God no, and I'd go mental at her having the cheek to even suggest it!

Pollyputhekettleon · 07/10/2023 14:08

Is the letter you received today an apology?

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:10

It has a drawing on it with BFF and my dd and her dd in a heart. Sone questions about how she is and "sorry for making you sad" is the apology.

OP posts:
rollonretirementfgs · 07/10/2023 14:10

No way! Noooooo way! Well done to you for moving her away from it. That mum clearly needs telling straight. You have nothing to lose by doing so

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:11

She tried contacting me about three months ago and seems to go through long patches then contacting me again.

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 07/10/2023 14:11

Your daughter has to change schools and you're even entertaining indulging this nasty piece of work and her child.

Throw letter in the bin where it belongs.

The woman has raised a brat and the brat is stamping her foot because she wants to see your daughter, possibly because she has bullied other children and remembers your daughter as being an easy target as she was able to bully her over a along period of time.

The mother wants to indulge her and that's why they turned up at your door.

They have no shame.

Do not ever let either of them into your life again.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:11

I don't reply to anything.

OP posts:
karmakameleon · 07/10/2023 14:12

If they’re turning up at your door I’d be instructing a solicitor to write to them and tell them to stop harassing me and my child. I wouldn’t be rushing to forgive and forget.

CaineRaine · 07/10/2023 14:13

I’d return the note through door with a note of my own saying “My DD has moved on and has no wish to re-visit what was a very difficult time for her. Please stop contacting us as the friendship will not be resuming”.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 14:14

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:11

I don't reply to anything.

See, I think you should

Very politely explaining that DD had to move schools because of the way she was treated by supposed 'friends' and she is making a fresh start with all the unhappiness behind her. She is now blossoming and you have no intention of taking her back to that very unhappy time

Pollyputhekettleon · 07/10/2023 14:15

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:10

It has a drawing on it with BFF and my dd and her dd in a heart. Sone questions about how she is and "sorry for making you sad" is the apology.

Not good enough. This is just an extension of the bullying actually, which the mother continues to enable. The mother is where the unfortunate daughter learned her selfish and manipulative behaviour. I'd write back to the mother and tell her that an actual acknowledgement of the bullying and an apology - from both the daughter and the mother - is the only appropriate communication, and that anything other than that is harassment.

Seryse · 07/10/2023 14:15

Personally, I'd be sending a message saying that's highly inappropriate and to stay away after all the damage that was caused, especially when she stuck her head in the sand about it. Bloody audacity of her coming to your door.

I hope your wee girl is okay, and you. That's a lot to take on and process for you all. ❤️

Lovingitallnow · 07/10/2023 14:17

I think I'd have replied in the first instance to say -

unfortunately the time to have sorted this out amicable has passed. At this point we'd like to move forward. So thank you so much for your picture but please don't come to the house or contact me again.

and block.

sodthesodoff · 07/10/2023 14:19

Fuck that shit

I would send her mother a text saying to not contact you or your daughter ever again. Then you have it in writing.

Then if she pulls any more shit consider your options. But once you have it that you've told them to leave you alone there's no ambiguity

Hope your daughters okay.

rainbowstardrops · 07/10/2023 14:19

unfortunately the time to have sorted this out amicable has passed. At this point we'd like to move forward. So thank you so much for your picture but please don't come to the house or contact me again.

See, I'd like to be this dignified. Unfortunately, I'd probably just send a message saying fuck off.

Pollyputhekettleon · 07/10/2023 14:23

rainbowstardrops · 07/10/2023 14:19

unfortunately the time to have sorted this out amicable has passed. At this point we'd like to move forward. So thank you so much for your picture but please don't come to the house or contact me again.

See, I'd like to be this dignified. Unfortunately, I'd probably just send a message saying fuck off.

Yeah that's the dignified stance we should probably all aim for in situations like this.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/10/2023 14:25

Hell would freeze over before I'd forgive them turning up at my house.

Seeking to make amends, writing letters, maybe I could have over time come to terms with them if I felt there was genuine remorse and slowly reintroduced them. I've dealt with a situation (not as bad as that) but involving low level bullying of my DD by a friend and her mother and over time and when it was clear the child was truly remorseful we did get past it, slowly slowly.

But turning up on your doorstep is unbelievably intrusive. Forcing you to confront something which is very clearly traumatic for both of you without checking first is unbelievably entitled and selfish. They can both get in the fucking bin for that.

As others have said I'd write a short, dignified note saying: "We appreciate the gesture but this has been a very traumatic experience for both of us, we've moved on and the time to move amicably past this has now passed. Please don't contact us or come to our house again."

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/10/2023 14:30

rainbowstardrops · 07/10/2023 14:19

unfortunately the time to have sorted this out amicable has passed. At this point we'd like to move forward. So thank you so much for your picture but please don't come to the house or contact me again.

See, I'd like to be this dignified. Unfortunately, I'd probably just send a message saying fuck off.

Agreed. This is absolutely what you should do.

I’m not at all confrontational but in this instance I would struggle not to message telling her that if she brought her horrible, bullying spoiled brat near my dc’s safe space again I would go out there and tell her exactly what I thought of her disgusting behaviour.

The audacity of the woman.

vapesareforsnakes · 07/10/2023 14:31

Absolutely not OP. Your daughter's whole school experience has been disrupted not to mention her emotional wellbeing. Sent a reply back stating you have no interest in reigniting the friendship as enough damage has been done. The neck of that mother, she and her feral brat can go fuck off. No second chances.

I would literally KILL one of mine if they did that to another child and I certainly would keep my distance and explain to my child that her actions have consequences.

MrsMitford3 · 07/10/2023 14:34

I would absolutely not say I appreciate the gesture-it's shitty and
I think this is just another way to be emotionally abusive.

To guilt your daughter in to accepting the "apology" to absolve her of any responsibility.
Maybe the other girl feels bad now but she literally drove your daughter out of school.

The time for any of this is long gone. I would shield your DD from the contact if possible and block the mum and move on.

DD was bullied quite badly and cleverly when she was a bit older-around 12 and was a contributing factor to her moving schools. A few years later the bully contacted my DD because she "missed her" and my DD said no chance-I've moved on and have no desire to have anything to do with you.

You don't owe the bully/bully mum anything at all-don't look back

HerMammy · 07/10/2023 14:40

I think you need to say something, this rhino skinned woman is an utter arsehole and needs told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

MariePaperRoses · 07/10/2023 14:40

Two women and their daughters.

One daughter bullies the other girl for a long period of time, her mother scoffs at the idea and does nothing to stop her daughters bad behaviour. Some would say that the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The bullied has to leave her school and start anew. Her mother, (that's you) is now questioning whether to forgive the girl and her mother. Your gentle and submissive behaviour may have been inherited by your daughter and she is an Apple that hasn't fallen far from her tree.

Please do not show your daughter that it is ok to be trampled on and treated badly and then picked up again at the bullies whim.

Even if they turn up at your house with a unicorn as a gift, you have to now be strong for your daughter and show her that it's ok to stand up to others.

The saying 'Too nice for her own good' is apt.

Lou670 · 07/10/2023 14:54

No I wouldn't accept that. The apology is probably to ease the guilt her daughter has and nothing to do with your daughter. I don't think you can ever recover from something like that and there would be no going back for me. The fact that she is not accepting the lack of response back from you is totally disrespectful. She is totally ignoring your feelings. She has to accept what her daughter has done and live with that. If she cared at all then it would not have got to the stage it did and your daughter having to move schools.