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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I forgive this?

120 replies

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:03

Middle dd had a very bad time at her previous school. Her closest friend was regularly physically and emotionally bullying her with another girl who they'd started playing with. They were in Y3 and Y4 at the time.

This went on over a long period of time and caused dd a lot of distress. She still struggles to trust girls her own age because of this.

The school couldn't resolve it and the bully's mum (one time good friend) refused to talk/acknowledge the problem. This meant dd had to leave her school and start afresh. It was very disruptive to her education and she lost the friends she had at the school.

Since then, the girl's mother has contacted me numerous times to say how her daughter missed dd/wants to see her/has written her letters. I've never replied to her as I am trying to move on.

Today they have come to our home and knocked on the door. We were in the kitchen so didn't answer the door but they've posted a letter through.

My dd is very soft hearted and would probably forgive this girl but my feeling is the whole thing is toxic. I also feel angry at how horrible this girl was. AIBU?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 07/10/2023 16:37

Christ no! They sound batshit.

Maray1967 · 07/10/2023 16:41

SunnyFrost · 07/10/2023 16:12

Dear bullymum

I was extremely shocked that you turned up at our house today. Your daughters relentless bullying of X left her traumatised and broken to the point she had to change schools. It is out of the question that I will allow any contact between them again, DD has now moved on and rebuilt herself, and any form of contact with her bully is totally unwelcome by both her and me. The ‘apology’ on your daughter’s letter is half hearted and doesn’t even begin the recognise the hell she put my daughter through. I’m astounded you brought her round to deliver it. If you contact me again or attempt to come to our home I will consider it harassment by her, facilitated by you, and act accordingly.

Perhaps your time would be better spent focussing on whatever are the reasons for your own child’s behaviour and ensuring she never, ever puts another child enough what she has mine.

Have a nice life. Oh wait, don’t.

I’d go with this - perhaps not the final line, though! But the rest makes it very clear that the girl’s behaviour towards your DD was horrific and there will be no going back.

JadeSeahorse · 07/10/2023 16:42

CaineRaine · 07/10/2023 14:13

I’d return the note through door with a note of my own saying “My DD has moved on and has no wish to re-visit what was a very difficult time for her. Please stop contacting us as the friendship will not be resuming”.

Perfect!

michalwave · 07/10/2023 16:50

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 15:14

I think it's a sign of the mother's toxicity and boundaries (lack of) that she's pursuing this.

I haven't replied in the past because I really don't want any form of contact with them. I can see the first line of the messages but they are unread as I don't wish to even give her the satisfaction I've seen them.

The letter is weird, I've put it in the cupboard so dd doesn't see it. It's got gold nail varnish all over one side of it, looks like poo.

The girl writes. "There are some questions I'd like to ask you. 1. What are your new friends like? 2. When can I see you again?" Then "Sorry for making you sad".

Dd left the school a full year ago!! Wtf?!

Sometimes not replying is the best thing you can do.

I’ve a friend who I loved spending time 10 years ago with but even then I knew she wasn’t always nice to me, and sometimes it felt like bullying.

She has tried to contact me via social media a few times but I’d rather not get into the ways she made me feel small and excluded.

I don’t owe her an explanation for the lack of response, and neither does your dd.

purpletrees16 · 07/10/2023 16:55

I had people apologise when I was 18 for bullying me when I was a similar age (also moved school). It was a strange experience but what they wanted was my forgiveness which I gave but it didn’t make me feel better. The apology is for the bullies only. The best way to move forward is for them to take up no space in your life - to literally forget them. Your daughter doesn’t owe them any space.

on the other side, one person apologised only a year later - the first time seeing me after moving school and we became distant friends. Not life long. So if it’s coming from the kid and not the mum and it could be ok but not necessary.

MammaTo · 07/10/2023 16:56

I think you need to be assertive in this situation for your daughter. I wouldn’t be forgiving this behaviour and I’d say to the kids mum, there’s too much water under the bridge and leave it at that.

bonzaitree · 07/10/2023 17:07

OP well done for moving your daughter. It’s your job to continue to protect her from this mum and child.

Text the mum and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never to contact you, call around or speak to you or your daughter again.

put that fucking picture in the recycling where it belongs.

Your daughter is lucky to have a mum standing up for her. Well done. Stay strong.

AyeDeadOn · 07/10/2023 17:09

If the new child instigated the bullying I wouldn't be surprised if she has now turned on your daughter's former friend and this has prompted some reflection on their part. However, not your problem and certainly not your daughter's. I'd message the mother saying that the bullying her daughter engaged in was extremely traumatic and you want no further contact from either her or her daughter as it is extremely triggering for you and your daughter, and that she is doing her own daughter no favours by allowing her to minimize the persistent bullying she engaged in as "making x sad".

Fercullen · 07/10/2023 17:09

Your daughter will always know that you were there for her during the terrible bullying, that you acted on her behalf and that you protected her from the bully trying to get back into her life when she was too young to make that decision herself. I think you’ve been a great mum.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2023 17:13

Ignoring messages is fine, but if it's gone far enough that they've shown up at your door, I think you have to put your foot down, hard. Who is to say they won't try to 'waylay' you and/or DD when you're out and about?

If I were you I'd send ONE succinct message saying that you have decided that it is not in your DD's best interest for the friendship to resume AND that she is not to contact you nor attempt to contact DD in the future.

It may very well be that the bully and this girl have 'bullied' everyone they can and the bully has now turned on this little girl as bullies do. And that there are no 'friends' left for this little girl at school because she took part in the bullying. But that is not your problem.

WantToChangeUsername · 07/10/2023 17:15

@Jennybeans401 I would definitely reply, a polite reminder (I guess as it seems the mum has forgotten) about the reasons you and your dd haven't reached out.

I'm also wondering whether the girl is struggling- your dd was the target but you removed her, the dynamics between the old friend and her bully partner may have changed.

Firebug007 · 07/10/2023 17:15

This is harassment and I'd be reporting to the police. Don't think I'm over reacting, your DD was bullied so badly she's changed school and they're still harassing you just in a different way, I bet she doesn't respond nicely if you ignore her. She sounds awful!

PenhillDarkMonarch · 07/10/2023 17:18

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/10/2023 14:05

Is that mum insane? Your daughter had to leave her school because of her daughter and she's bringing her round to the house?

As so often happens, the first post nails it.

Cantrushart · 07/10/2023 17:19

purpletrees16 · 07/10/2023 16:55

I had people apologise when I was 18 for bullying me when I was a similar age (also moved school). It was a strange experience but what they wanted was my forgiveness which I gave but it didn’t make me feel better. The apology is for the bullies only. The best way to move forward is for them to take up no space in your life - to literally forget them. Your daughter doesn’t owe them any space.

on the other side, one person apologised only a year later - the first time seeing me after moving school and we became distant friends. Not life long. So if it’s coming from the kid and not the mum and it could be ok but not necessary.

I also think that there is an element of guilt involved. If it's making this mother feel bad that her DD is feeling remorse, then suddenly she wants to resolve the situation. No motivation to do anything about it when it was just your DD's problem.

Let them stew in it.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/10/2023 17:42

I had exactly the same situation with my daughter. She had a toxic best friend who did all sorts of mean stuff to her, or spread rumours, stealing or told her she was stupid. I knew the mother worked shifts so in school holidays she would relentlessly try to arrange sleepovers and day trips for her daughter involving me doing free child care. When my child left the school, the friendship continued for a while but so did the nasty bullying. I organised some new friends for my child by attending hobby groups. The bully rang me up (which takes some cheek as an 11 year old) asking that I speak to my daughter who had blocked her on the phone. She was begging for her attention as she knew she had lost her power, and the mother text a few times too. I told her ringing me was not appropriate and that my daughter did not want to stay in touch, and repeated the message to the mother. I also told the mother the kids had outgrown each other, and she looked embarrassed about the whole situation. In your case, the mother is making a big drama about this as her daughter is probably lacking friends due to the way she behaves. I would tell her to stop and that your daughter has a new friendship group now. IF she persists, call the police.

BalletBob · 07/10/2023 17:56

I went through something very similar to your DD at the same age. It was utterly brutal and I didn't have the tools to fully express the impact it actually had on me. My mum did realise it had affected me deeply and acted to sort it out (like you have also done - your DD is lucky to have you) but I don't think anyone really truly "got it". It just absolutely floored me.

So that would shape my response.

I'd return the letter through their door, unopened, with a note stuck to it to say "My child had to move school to escape the relentless bullying from your daughter. You knew about it and did nothing; would not work with us to end it. Leave my family and I alone and stop contacting us. If you continue to harass us you will hear from my solicitor".

I'm so sorry and angry on your behalf that you are dealing with these awful people. Good luck.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/10/2023 17:59

I'd be careful about how much detail you put in any reply to her OP. I think you need to do the written version of grey rocking.

DeerWatch · 07/10/2023 18:02

My daughter was bullied in Y7 and I ended up having to remove her. She has now just turned 20 and is still stuggles with girl friendships and trusting them. Her best friend is male and he has always been a great support to her.

The mother didn't take it seriously at the time, your daughter has moved on, I wouldn't risk opening up old wounds. My dd was contacted by the main ring leader of the group she was bullied by recently and she just declined and blocked contact.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 18:12

My PIL have been up to see us this afternoon and I mentioned to MIL (out of earshot of dd) what had happened.

MIL thinks we should forgive and forget, really doesn't understand how this child is so manipulative and mean is. I've had to remind her of the times she physically hurt dd, not to mention the name calling, body shaming, excluding her and causing her severe anxiety.

I'm certain this girl only wants contact to get her "kick" from abusing dd again. She wants to feel powerful again, I can't ever forgive.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/10/2023 18:46

@Jennybeans401 absolutely disagree with MIL and agree with you, definitely would not trust this bully girl, how can they think your daughter will want to have ANYTHING to do with someone who physically assaulted her and emotionally bullied her?

topnoddy · 07/10/2023 18:50

Well it's a big fat NO from me !

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 19:05

It's horrible because it brings everything back, what dd went through. I am upset the mother of the girl thinks this is okay to just doorstep us (she knocked before putting the letter through).

It's left me feeling angry and upset again.

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 07/10/2023 19:10

Absolutely not !! You need to stand up to the mum and tell her to keep away

Rogue1001MNer · 07/10/2023 19:10

Silence is powerful.

As great as some of the messages are, they hand power back to the mother/bully daughter because they express hurt and pain

Silence is more effective

Createausername1970 · 07/10/2023 19:11

I would go with the brutally honest approach, reply but don't cut the mother any slack -

"your daughter was a bully, she was horrible to my daughter, and you refused to do anything about it, you enabled her. We had to change schools as the situation was so toxic to my daughter. Now you are enabling her to try to do it all over again by bringing her to our home. Please understand - we want nothing further to do with your daughter or you. Do not contact us again".