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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I forgive this?

120 replies

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 14:03

Middle dd had a very bad time at her previous school. Her closest friend was regularly physically and emotionally bullying her with another girl who they'd started playing with. They were in Y3 and Y4 at the time.

This went on over a long period of time and caused dd a lot of distress. She still struggles to trust girls her own age because of this.

The school couldn't resolve it and the bully's mum (one time good friend) refused to talk/acknowledge the problem. This meant dd had to leave her school and start afresh. It was very disruptive to her education and she lost the friends she had at the school.

Since then, the girl's mother has contacted me numerous times to say how her daughter missed dd/wants to see her/has written her letters. I've never replied to her as I am trying to move on.

Today they have come to our home and knocked on the door. We were in the kitchen so didn't answer the door but they've posted a letter through.

My dd is very soft hearted and would probably forgive this girl but my feeling is the whole thing is toxic. I also feel angry at how horrible this girl was. AIBU?

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 07/10/2023 19:27

Absolutely not.
The girls mother should know better.
Your daughter does not need that back in her life. She's most probably fallen out with the other girl and is trying to appease her guilt.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2023 19:38

@Jennybeans401

I'm certain this girl only wants contact to get her "kick" from abusing dd again. She wants to feel powerful again, I can't ever forgive.

I'm not in the UK but I think these girls would be around 10-11 ish? At that age I don't think this girl would be actively seeking to 'revictimize' your DD. Especially, I don't think she'd 'enlist' her mother's help to do it.

I think it's more likely that she's either run out of potential 'friends' or that she is now the victim of bullying herself. Either way, you don't need to forgive nor do you need to agree to try to 'patch things up'. Even if this girl truly regrets her behaviour, it's a valuable life lesson for her to learn that you can't mistreat someone and then expect them to be your friend again just because you apologize.

CantGetDecentNickname · 07/10/2023 19:46

Another vote for a solicitor's cease and desist letter here. I would avoid responding to her at all personally as it is a reaction from you that she is hoping for to open some kind of dialogue.

MeanWeedratStew · 07/10/2023 20:12

I think I’d be tempted to email her - that way you’ll have proof later if needed.

You need to make it clear that the relationship is over and there is to be no further contact. If you need to involve solicitors/police later on, they will want to know that you clearly told bullymum to leave you and DD alone.

I’m so sorry this happened to your DD, but I’m glad she has a mum who will fight her corner.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 07/10/2023 20:30

I think I remember you posting about this earlier this year when the other mother was requesting that the girls meet up? utter gall

I suspect you're going to have to be blunt: Your daughter literally bullied my daughter out of her school. Literally. Why on earth do you think she'd ever want to see her again?

I've been there, including the school move. So hats off to you for standing up for your daughter.

Cherrysoup · 07/10/2023 20:34

Gawd, that girl’s mother is ridiculously thick skinned! I think a response mentioning a solicitor is the way forward. How can she seriously approach you? How dare she?! 🤬

strawberry2017 · 07/10/2023 20:35

Createausername1970 · 07/10/2023 19:11

I would go with the brutally honest approach, reply but don't cut the mother any slack -

"your daughter was a bully, she was horrible to my daughter, and you refused to do anything about it, you enabled her. We had to change schools as the situation was so toxic to my daughter. Now you are enabling her to try to do it all over again by bringing her to our home. Please understand - we want nothing further to do with your daughter or you. Do not contact us again".

I would send this but change WAS a bully to IS a bully.
She hasn't changed she won't change because of her mother allowed her to continue behaving this was.

SundayCherry · 07/10/2023 20:38

Absolutely no way. I’d not be 100% convinced that this girl and her little mate don’t just want your daughter back round so they can bully her again.

Id be messaging this woman and telling her that her daughter is a bully and it’s also inappropriate for her to be coming to my house.

id never forgive this and I’d never bring her back into my child’s life.

Justdontknowwhattothink · 07/10/2023 20:52

Will they be going to the same senior school?
As this would play a big part in my next move

LucieLemon · 07/10/2023 20:54

If the apology was anywhere near genuine it would have been given without any expectation of your daughter meeting with them. Remorse would have been expressed and an acknowledgement of how bad the the behaviour was. It shouldn't be for the benefit of the bully and attempt to minimise their actions.

This shows zero consideration towards your daughter and how she might feel. The other parent is still not accepting the serious nature of the incident and the consequences of such.

SunshineAndFizz · 07/10/2023 20:58

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 15:38

I would be saying

"This will be my only contact. Stop getting in touch or I will involve the police'

Yep - this gets my vote.

Ginger1982 · 07/10/2023 20:59

You need to send a message otherwise this will just continue.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 21:08

@Justdontknowwhattothink I'm not sure yet, I'm hoping to avoid the same school. I think I know where they will go and we are currently looking at 2 different schools.

The girl's mum drinks a lot and even when we were on speaking terms I found the way she spoke to her dd very mean.

OP posts:
SoySaucePls · 07/10/2023 21:09

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 21:15

The school were useless at the time and basically did nothing despite my dd having intrusive thoughts about being harmed and showing extreme mental distress. The girl's mother also denied the bullying and wouldn't even talk about it.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 07/10/2023 21:18

They were in year 3/4? Christ, that's so young!! That's awful what happened to your DD. I also feel sorry for the girl as she's learnt that behaviour from somewhere.

Borris · 07/10/2023 21:23

I could forgive but not forget. Reconciliation is not in your dds best interest

anon0007 · 07/10/2023 21:24

Don't be dignified in a response, she wasn't to you when it was all happening. Get angry and tell her to fuck right off.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/10/2023 21:28

SunnyFrost · 07/10/2023 16:12

Dear bullymum

I was extremely shocked that you turned up at our house today. Your daughters relentless bullying of X left her traumatised and broken to the point she had to change schools. It is out of the question that I will allow any contact between them again, DD has now moved on and rebuilt herself, and any form of contact with her bully is totally unwelcome by both her and me. The ‘apology’ on your daughter’s letter is half hearted and doesn’t even begin the recognise the hell she put my daughter through. I’m astounded you brought her round to deliver it. If you contact me again or attempt to come to our home I will consider it harassment by her, facilitated by you, and act accordingly.

Perhaps your time would be better spent focussing on whatever are the reasons for your own child’s behaviour and ensuring she never, ever puts another child enough what she has mine.

Have a nice life. Oh wait, don’t.

Absolutely perfect wording, @SunnyFrost!

PurpleOrchid42 · 07/10/2023 21:38

Sounds like the mum knows that her daughter is was bullying, and feels guilty, but can't admit
It to you.

PinkArt · 07/10/2023 21:42

The poster suggesting a form of grey rock has it spot on. Send one message telling her not to contact you again - to make it clear no manner of emotionally manipulative pictures or door stopping will work - but give her nothing else. A bully will feed off the hurt they caused, and are still causing, so don't remind them you moved your daughter because of hers, don't let her know how your daughter is now. A very simple do not contact us again by any means or we will take legal action.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 07/10/2023 21:56

I agree that you ignoring the messages was sensible, but now they have escalated. It does feel that if you ignore this they can continue to harass you at home. I would go down the route other people have suggested of short reply that they stay away and you will take legal action if they don't. Also consider cctv or recording doorbell. Your poor daughter needs her home to be safe and not worrying that her tormentor can reach her there too.

WantToChangeUsername · 07/10/2023 23:05

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 21:08

@Justdontknowwhattothink I'm not sure yet, I'm hoping to avoid the same school. I think I know where they will go and we are currently looking at 2 different schools.

The girl's mum drinks a lot and even when we were on speaking terms I found the way she spoke to her dd very mean.

That's awful, I guess it makes sense the daughter was a bully.

HateTheView · 07/10/2023 23:55

I wouldn't go into too much detail about why your daughter does not want to be friends. It will just give them something to argue with. I would reply something along the lines of

Thanks for the apology from your daughter. My daughter has moved on from the bullying that she suffered, please do not contact us again.

angsanana · 08/10/2023 06:23

OP, I'm going to buck the trend here, but only a bit because this is clearly a distressing situation for you and DD. It feels like the ones who are really at fault here are the new girl (the bullying started) and the school (did nothing). Ex bestie and her mum need to shoulder some of the blame, as they went along with it, and are now trying to gaslight you, but honestly, if they'd been friends for that long and then changed because of a new person, it feels like the ex best friend is weak and easily manipulated and the real bad apple is the new kid.
Doesn't excuse what she did... doesn't mean you have to put up
With the gaslighting, but maybe gives it a slightly different perspective