Do I forgive this?

[Jennybeans401]

Middle dd had a very bad time at her previous school. Her closest friend was regularly physically and emotionally bullying her with another girl who they'd started playing with. They were in Y3 and Y4 at the time.

This went on over a long period of time and caused dd a lot of distress. She still struggles to trust girls her own age because of this.

The school couldn't resolve it and the bully's mum (one time good friend) refused to talk/acknowledge the problem. This meant dd had to leave her school and start afresh. It was very disruptive to her education and she lost the friends she had at the school.

Since then, the girl's mother has contacted me numerous times to say how her daughter missed dd/wants to see her/has written her letters. I've never replied to her as I am trying to move on.

Today they have come to our home and knocked on the door. We were in the kitchen so didn't answer the door but they've posted a letter through.

My dd is very soft hearted and would probably forgive this girl but my feeling is the whole thing is toxic. I also feel angry at how horrible this girl was. AIBU?

Yes this is likely what happened.

Definitely don't destroy any letters or delete emails. They may be needed in the future as proof of harassment.

The only appropriate response to that is:
"No only NO, but HELL NO!"

Yes, your DD might be willing to forgive and then she'll be hurt again. And again. And it will nibble away at everything she is until it's gone.

Been there, done that, learned the hard way.

Bullies rarely change; they just get manipulative enough to get you to let your guard down.

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay yes you are right but I would put it securely away from DD who as softhearted may take it as something nice and want to reconnect again.

The other mother will be portraying her DD as being so nice and thoughtful hand delivering a card when in reality it's her abuser rocking up to her door.

A half decent person would have understood from the unanswered messages that you wanted nothing to do with them and then not imposed themselves further.

Your MIL sounds deluded and probably thinks the gesture is harmless. The letter though itself barely acknowledges any wrongdoing and I'd be furious at the idea they think it's okay to just turn up like that. The 'questions' on the letter sound presumptuous, surely the gist of this letter (if it had to be written) would have been "I'm so sorry for ..." with some attempt at a proper and sincere apology.

The fact that you have repeatedly ignored the mother is a major signal you want no contact and the mother is not respecting your wishes. The child clearly learned her lack of respect from the mum. I'd message to say keep away, the time for talking is over now I've had to disrupt my child's life and move schools.

I remember you posting about this years ago OP when the bullying was happening and I feel for your dd.We went through something similar and it's heartbreaking.

You'd be that nice? Those two words and a few choice others would be in my message and I would, perhaps, invent some new words to use.

To the posters who would write a flowery sweet note about how sad your daughter was and how unhappy she was and how you've moved passed it all....
ALL you are doing is feeding into the little bully brat's ego. Mummy will read her that note and the brat will have a self-satisfied grin and the thought bubble, I won! Why would anyone give that little witch that kind of power? She only wants the OP's DD back in her life is because she wants to victimize her, again.

Bullies stop being bullies when they meet a bigger bully that goes after them.

I'd probably reply saying that you understand that kids change etc, but as the situation got so serious you would like no further contact and then block and throw away any further letters.

OP--if you write that letter, the bully will put it under her pillow and read it daily to remind herself how tough and rough she can be. Then, she'll find a new victim since there are no real repercussions to her. Letting the bully know just how badly she hurt your DD is feeding the bully the fuel she needs.

You'd be that nice? Those two words and a few choice others would be in my message and I would, perhaps, invent some new words to use.*

Well @Nanaof1, I'd definitely consider a few other choice words but I think a simple 'fuck off' is succinct and to the point! 😁

This ^

You and your daughter have been through a massive upheaval. Why on earth would you want to negate that by allowing this toxic child in again?

Help your daughter to strengthen new friendships. Her soft heart will soon forget the little cow who caused her so much aggro if she’s distracted by kind new mates.

One time when my son and a friend were teasing some other kids in the playground, I did the crumpled paper thing with him. I got him to crumple up a piece of paper and then try to smooth it out. He could see that, no matter how hard he tried, he could never smooth it out so it was flat and fresh, as it had started. That's what happens when people are bullied...the bully can apologise, try to make amends, and change their ways, but they can't ever fix the damage that has been done. Your former friend needs to understand that. Your child had to move schools because of they way she was treated. You owe them nothing.

Tell your daughter not to tell her new classmates she was bullied at her old school as this will make her an instant target for any would be bullies lurking there . Good luck .

That is totally true. 👏

Go with the short & sweet 'don't contact any of us again.

I hope they disappear. The mother is clearly awful & the child is not learning the life lessons she should

Start a paper trail , just email back , my daughter has moved on and wants no more contact . Just this . Blunt and to the point . Also keep a copy of any emails and letters in case this escalates and authorities have to be involved. Tell your daughter not to confide in anyone at her new school as you would be surprised who knows who . Aldo don't mentioned that she has been bullied as she will then be seen as an easy target .

I would be replying to the mother and it certainly wouldn't be a polite message, you owe them nothing and she needs to be told some home truths

Dear One Time (shit) Friend and Parent of Bullying Progeny,

I'm writing this in response to you and your child coming to my home and that of my child (the latter whom you may recall your child verbally, physically and emotionally tormented over a sustained period of time).

I find it incomprehensible that you deemed it appropriate to come to my child's home and bring with you the cause of so much trauma for her, your child being the primary reason my child's education and wellbeing was disrupted to the point that moving her to another school was necessary.

During this bullying campaign, you systematically failed to acknowledge nor talk with me about your daughter's part in this.

You parent your child as you choose, as do I; I choose to support my daughter by not allowing the contaminating influence of your child - or you - within her life.

I have maintained a respectful silence 'til now, as I have concentrated my efforts into helping my daughter heal from the trauma she experienced as a result of your child.

However, coming to my home - my daughter's safe space - necessitates a very clear response from me.

Do not make any further attempts to contact me or my daughter again, nor come near us nor our home. Failure to respect this boundary will result in appropriate action.

Regards,

A better parent than you

i would protect my child from this. One of my dc experienced toxic behaviour in Y3, and the kid who did it became more toxic as he grew older, and although I moved my child’s school, i had younger children, and children of friends who came across this dc, and he’s not changed.

ignore the mother if you can. If she gets to the point where she is harassing you, involve the police.

Oh hell no. Once bitten twice shy