Page 2 | Do I forgive this?

Jennybeans401 · 2023-10-07T13:03:00+00:00

Middle dd had a very bad time at her previous school. Her closest friend was regularly physically and emotionally bullying her with another girl who they'd started playing with. They were in Y3 and Y4 at the time. This went on over a long period of time and caused dd a lot of distress. She still struggles to trust girls her own age because of this. The school couldn't resolve it and the bully's mum (one time good friend) refused to talk/acknowledge the problem. This meant dd had to leave her school and start afresh. It was very disruptive to her education and she lost the friends she had at the school. Since then, the girl's mother has contacted me numerous times to say how her daughter missed dd/wants to see her/has written her letters. I've never replied to her as I am trying to move on. Today they have come to our home and knocked on the door. We were in the kitchen so didn't answer the door but they've posted a letter through. My dd is very soft hearted and would probably forgive this girl but my feeling is the whole thing is toxic. I also feel angry at how horrible this girl was. AIBU?

gamerchick · 07/10/2023 15:01

If you don't reply, this will keep happening OP.

Contact the mother, tell her the ship has sailed as she lost the right to turn up on your doorstep or drop into your inbox the second she made the choice to ignore her kids bullying of your child to the point your child had to move school because of it.

Then tell her to stay the hell away from you both in future.

Snugglemonkey · 07/10/2023 15:02

Lovingitallnow · 07/10/2023 14:17

I think I'd have replied in the first instance to say -

unfortunately the time to have sorted this out amicable has passed. At this point we'd like to move forward. So thank you so much for your picture but please don't come to the house or contact me again.

and block.

I would not be thanking them for the picture. I would be informing them that "making you sad" does not begin to make up for the bullying, the school move, the trauma your daughter has endured. It is an insult. Some people need it spelt out. Then I would tell her never to make contact again

Prinnny · 07/10/2023 15:03

Well done for keeping it calm and dignified. I would want to open the door and ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing turning up at my door. The brat probably has no friends left due to her shitty behaviour hence seeking your DD out.

GreenClock · 07/10/2023 15:04

@Lovingitallnow has good, sensible advice.

But I would probably get a solicitor’s letter fired off to stop this thing once and for all. That’d do the trick.

gloriawasright · 07/10/2023 15:14

MariePaperRoses · 07/10/2023 14:40

Two women and their daughters.

One daughter bullies the other girl for a long period of time, her mother scoffs at the idea and does nothing to stop her daughters bad behaviour. Some would say that the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The bullied has to leave her school and start anew. Her mother, (that's you) is now questioning whether to forgive the girl and her mother. Your gentle and submissive behaviour may have been inherited by your daughter and she is an Apple that hasn't fallen far from her tree.

Please do not show your daughter that it is ok to be trampled on and treated badly and then picked up again at the bullies whim.

Even if they turn up at your house with a unicorn as a gift, you have to now be strong for your daughter and show her that it's ok to stand up to others.

The saying 'Too nice for her own good' is apt.

Not sure that the op is being too nice for her own good .she has already made it clear that she and her daughter have moved on and don't need this girl and mother in their lives.
She has had her daughters back throughout it all .

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 15:14

I think it's a sign of the mother's toxicity and boundaries (lack of) that she's pursuing this.

I haven't replied in the past because I really don't want any form of contact with them. I can see the first line of the messages but they are unread as I don't wish to even give her the satisfaction I've seen them.

The letter is weird, I've put it in the cupboard so dd doesn't see it. It's got gold nail varnish all over one side of it, looks like poo.

The girl writes. "There are some questions I'd like to ask you. 1. What are your new friends like? 2. When can I see you again?" Then "Sorry for making you sad".

Dd left the school a full year ago!! Wtf?!

OP posts:

Seryse · 07/10/2023 15:20

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 15:14

I think it's a sign of the mother's toxicity and boundaries (lack of) that she's pursuing this.

I haven't replied in the past because I really don't want any form of contact with them. I can see the first line of the messages but they are unread as I don't wish to even give her the satisfaction I've seen them.

The letter is weird, I've put it in the cupboard so dd doesn't see it. It's got gold nail varnish all over one side of it, looks like poo.

The girl writes. "There are some questions I'd like to ask you. 1. What are your new friends like? 2. When can I see you again?" Then "Sorry for making you sad".

Dd left the school a full year ago!! Wtf?!

Yeah she's going to keep going till you reply. Be firm and make sure you express you do not want any contact and are not interested in anything that has to be said.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/10/2023 15:22

I would go so far as to have a solicitor send a letter informing them if they continue to try and contact or approach your daughter you will make a formal complaint to the police.
No I'm not joking, aresholes like this need super stringent boundaries that have serious consequences if breached.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 15:24

It's sad because dd was her best friend from reception to year 3. A new girl started and the bullying was relentless after that. It was a dark time for us all, I became very worried about dd's mental health.

I will think of a good reply, I thought not replying she'd take the hint but clearly not!

OP posts:

MorrisWallpaper · 07/10/2023 15:25

I’d do as @Thepeopleversuswork suggests now, and if there are any further attempts at contact from the mother after that, I would send a solicitor’s letter naming it as harassment.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/10/2023 15:31

You don't change schools lightly. If your DD was older I'd maybe let her make her own decision but at this age you just need to protect her from this girl. I'd start by destroying the letter and just reply yourself saying you don't want any more contact. If it happens again I agree with sending a solicitors letter.

Dramatic · 07/10/2023 15:32

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 15:24

It's sad because dd was her best friend from reception to year 3. A new girl started and the bullying was relentless after that. It was a dark time for us all, I became very worried about dd's mental health.

I will think of a good reply, I thought not replying she'd take the hint but clearly not!

Do not, whatever you do, thank them for the letter or say you appreciate the gesture. Because they will latch on to that part and still think they've done the right thing.

Hallmark1234 · 07/10/2023 15:33

Never go back. If you do it sends the message to the bully that she has won over your DD and it will only be a matter of time before she starts on her again and only needs to be contrite and your DD will come back to her.

Ilefttownonsaturday · 07/10/2023 15:36

Block her number and burn the letter and have nothing more to do with them. The girl is learning the consequences of her actions. If you treat people like shit, don't be too surprised if they want nothing more to do with you.

vibecheck · 07/10/2023 15:37

I think this is deranged from the mum, I’m sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this. I honestly think you need to send a cease and desist letter through a solicitor where you make it clear you’ll contact the police if there’s further contact. Scare her. She clearly has no understanding of boundaries.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 15:37

If you are replying, it needs to be along the lines that unfortunately after such a prolonged period of bullying your daughter cannot trust former friend and it's better for all concerned if they just move on and don't make contact again.

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 15:38

I would be saying

"This will be my only contact. Stop getting in touch or I will involve the police'

justjeansandanicetop · 07/10/2023 15:42

Jennybeans401 · 07/10/2023 15:14

I think it's a sign of the mother's toxicity and boundaries (lack of) that she's pursuing this.

I haven't replied in the past because I really don't want any form of contact with them. I can see the first line of the messages but they are unread as I don't wish to even give her the satisfaction I've seen them.

The letter is weird, I've put it in the cupboard so dd doesn't see it. It's got gold nail varnish all over one side of it, looks like poo.

The girl writes. "There are some questions I'd like to ask you. 1. What are your new friends like? 2. When can I see you again?" Then "Sorry for making you sad".

Dd left the school a full year ago!! Wtf?!

The pair of them sound utterly unhinged.

The mother really does have the hide of a rhino and they have absolutely no self- awareness.

Can't believe somebody would behave like this.

As tempting as it is to tell her to fuck off I think you need to maintain the moral high ground. But I think you do need to address it.

"Jane,

I reached out to you a year ago regarding your daughter bullying mine. I had hoped we might be able to resolve it but unfortunately you made no effort to do so resulting in my daughter having to move schools.

I'm drawing a line under this now. Please do not attempt to contact us or come to our house again."

Dramatic · 07/10/2023 15:51

I would actually make sure you let her know just how badly her daughter has affected your daughter's mental health. Tell her it's taken this long for her to even start to recover from the bullying and it will take her a long time to fully recover and that you will absolutely not be allowing any contact from your daughter's bully. Then tell her to not contact you or turn up at your house again.

historyrepeatz · 07/10/2023 15:51

I would destroy the letter which frankly is an insult of an apology as a Dd said and either not respond or say that DD has moved on and is happy. She probably hates the idea of that.

SunnyFrost · 07/10/2023 16:12

Dear bullymum

I was extremely shocked that you turned up at our house today. Your daughters relentless bullying of X left her traumatised and broken to the point she had to change schools. It is out of the question that I will allow any contact between them again, DD has now moved on and rebuilt herself, and any form of contact with her bully is totally unwelcome by both her and me. The ‘apology’ on your daughter’s letter is half hearted and doesn’t even begin the recognise the hell she put my daughter through. I’m astounded you brought her round to deliver it. If you contact me again or attempt to come to our home I will consider it harassment by her, facilitated by you, and act accordingly.

Perhaps your time would be better spent focussing on whatever are the reasons for your own child’s behaviour and ensuring she never, ever puts another child enough what she has mine.

Have a nice life. Oh wait, don’t.

MichelleScarn · 07/10/2023 16:24

I remember a similar thread and the 2 bullies had either fallen out and original BFF had no friends now, or the original BFF was being targeted so was looking to bring the poor girl who'd left school back to the group to be a target again! Steer well clear!

Seryse · 07/10/2023 16:30

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 15:38

I would be saying

"This will be my only contact. Stop getting in touch or I will involve the police'

^ this. Keep it short, to the point and give her NOTHING to cling on, attach to and use to try and keep a dialogue open. Fire the warning shot then don't give her any more headspace.

lto2019 · 07/10/2023 16:34

What an absolute brass neck the mother has. I would reply and say - my daughter was forced to move school because of the relentless bullying from your daughter. This was coupled with your refusal to accept there was an issue. I'm afraid your apology is too little too late and dd has no intention of resuming any type of friendship with your daughter. She is still healing from the hurt and reconnecting is not what she wants or needs. I have ignored your previous messages in the hope you would realise we do not want to have anything to do with you but your coming to our house was a step too far. I am asking you politely, and only once to not contact us any further. If you do not respect this request we will have no option but to take further action to keep you from disturbing us further.

FloraClover · 07/10/2023 16:35

MichelleScarn · 07/10/2023 16:24

I remember a similar thread and the 2 bullies had either fallen out and original BFF had no friends now, or the original BFF was being targeted so was looking to bring the poor girl who'd left school back to the group to be a target again! Steer well clear!

I immediately thought this was the reason. The bully is probably friendless now. Probably that ‘new’ girl has turned on her and she is now bullying the bully.

anyway, doesn’t matter. I would send one message (or written letter if you have her address and can post it, this would be better), and say something like the PP suggests “don’t contact me or DD again or i will contact the police”

if you message her, block her afterwards