Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

[Anon39]

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

@MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams

fundamentally they are. The OP is being hypocritical about which dead animal part she'll eat

Well that's subjective isn't if? That is your opinion, I doubt the OP thinks she is being hypocritical. She has strong negative feelings about BP. It is all a matter of opinion. Some people think vegetarians are being hypocritical for eating eggs and/or dairy and some people think vegans are hypocritical because they don't eat honey but most plants are pollinated by bees plus there is a growing industry of managed beehives that are moved about for crop pollination and are likely to be causing a negative impact on wild bees.

and you're all trying to make a big 'consent' deal out if it.

Not all by a long shot. But it is absolutely about consent or rather OP's lack of consent/choice/permission.

Although apparently posters are researching the OP's posting history because that's what we're meant to do now instead of taking threads at face value.

Some people do like to check other posts for context. Worryingly it seemed to show a negative pattern by the DP, It is entirely up to you if you do or not but certainly not a necessity. I tend not to and haven't to @Anon39 . On a recent thread a poster said they were 70 years old (to make a point) and someone else checked their history and found they have previously stated they were in their 40s (I think) and called them out. I have no problem with people doing it.

Sorry OP. If you’re still here, I missed this in the ensuing discussion and lI think this puts things into a different light. I think it’s really concerning that your husband could act in this way after a two year separation and therapy for the relevant difficulties you were having. I haven’t read your posts in that respect but from what previous posters have said, it seems as though there were abuse issues. There has been a lot of discussion and a lot of disagreement on this thread, but if you pick your way through it, there’s also a lot of good advice with respect to establishing boundaries and consent.

This is not a trivial issue and please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it is. You made your wishes clear, he understood those wishes and he crossed a line anyway. Then he mocked your distress and belittled you for being upset that you had eaten something you didn’t want to, and for the clear distress at the thought that he could so easily do that to you. That’s abuse. And it’s left you so mistrustful of him that you have to make sure he doesn’t cook for you, in order to be in control of your own boundaries in that respect.

My fear for you is that this is a symptom of what’s gone before and it indicates that he (still) has control issues and a definite lack of respect for you, your boundaries and your reasons for having them. Is the reason you were so upset by this in any way influenced by his previous behaviour ? Do you think he’s reverting to old behaviour, and most importantly, do you feel safe ?

You don’t say whether you had couples therapy for your difficulties and if your issues were around abuse hopefully you had separate counselling. I can only say that if you feel in any way unsafe because of this latest incident I hope you will seek help and maybe seek some independent counselling if you think it appropriate.

The attempts to conflate parents using methods of making vegetables more palatable to children as some sort of "sliding scale of consent" are disingenuous and / or confused.

Parents have an obligation to parent, nurture and guide - that frequently will remove absolute right of consent from the child. I don't know why some posters find this so difficult to understand or why it had to be repeated at length. The situation with children is wholly irrelevant to that of an adult.

In the case even of children the behaviour of the OP's husband if carried out on a child would not fall within good parenting. A child who is old enough to understand what black pudding is and who makes a decision not to eat it, is entitled to have that respected. They do not consent to eat black pudding. It will make no difference to the child's health and wellbeing if they don't eat it. "Tricking" a child into eating it and then laughing at the "trick" is abuse.

@AmIthatweird If that was directed at me, I think I’ve made my points clear throughout the thread - there’s nothing oblique about them and plenty of other posters agree with the viewpoint. And I wasn’t deleted upthread for ‘abuse’ the post was deleted because I mentioned something outside the talk guidelines - if you think I’m bullying you then report it. I’ve made my final point directly to the OP - I was looking for the last time she had posted because I thought maybe she’d abandoned the thread.

She says they separated for two years because of his behaviour and got back together after counselling. To me, that’s very concerning and it puts the whole thing in a different light. Looking back over the thread there’s thirty odd pages of discussion - mainly about what consent means and whether it matters whether it’s a sausage or cake.

I come away from this thread with the feeling that some posters have delighted in being obtuse even though they know exactly what the issues are and exactly the point posters we’re trying to make. It’s becoming more and more prevalent on MN to pick apart the OP’s words, find fault and apportion blame, rather than offer opinion or advise on the actual issue they’ve raised. There are even some posters who have overtly engaged in victim blaming here, which is shameful. As a result there’s very little meaningful advice to the OP,

From her last post it’s clear that she’s in a very vulnerable position, and that this incident was very clearly an indication that her husband still has abusive tendencies and issues with control. I do hope she manages to stay safe and gets whatever help or therapy she needs going forward. You’ll be pleased to know this is my last post on the thread. There’s very little of it left before it’s closed to new posts, and I don’t think it’s helpful to still be trying to argue the same points now that it’s taken this turn, as , hopefully there my be other posters who want to offer meaningful advice and opinion given the new information.

What happened was that the poster who has just effectively accused another of bullying her and having had a post deleted upthread for ‘abuse’ has now had her own posts deleted. I think it’s called Karma !!

This is the first time I’ve ever been deleted and I don’t know why what I said was problematic. I certainly disagreed with that poster derailing the thread as I thought it very problems the to shift from a discussion focused on the DH’s abuse of the OP to one focused on the poster’s pet topic. But others, who were not deleted, have admirably kept helping the OP, so I hope the OP has gotten the support she needs.

I didn't like mushy peas as a child. Didn't like the taste or texture. Tried them as an adult when DH was eating them (no tricking me involved!), I liked them. That's fine.

I've never eaten octopus because I don't want to eat octopus. I might love the taste of octopus if someone tricked me into eating some, but I do not want to eat octopus.

some people think vegans are hypocritical because they don't eat honey but most plants are pollinated by bees

That is the fucking funniest thing I've ever read about vegans 😂😂 Stopped reading there because your arguments are ridiculous. You clearly don't understand the honey industry nor vegans. Are you blaming vegans for the lack of bees? 😂😂😂

You've misunderstood or misread the point that was being made by Mothership4two.

Mothership4two wasn't making any comments herself about the honey industry or veganism.

However there's plenty of debate about the honey industry and its ethics and what is or isn't vegan. Some vegetarians and vegans have no issue with honey- others do and will consider vegetarians or vegans who eat honey to be hypocrites, and in the case of vegans, simply wrong - honey isn't vegan.

Your question Are you blaming vegans for the lack of bees? has no resemblance to anything Mothership4two posted.

Feeding you a food you would never eat is highly disrespectful, and where there is no respect there can be no love.

And the solution is awful. In addition to your other chores, now you must cook for yourself because he can't be trusted not to serve unacceptable food? This whole relationship needs a re-think.

No I was quite clearly making a point about opinions and them being subjective. That obviously went over your head. I said some people NOT me. I am not blaming vegans (I was discussing perceived hypocrisy not blame) but I have heard the argument that it isn't possible to be a true vegan (due to pollination) and likewise I don't blame vegetarians for the dairy industry but again have heard the argument that they are being hypocritical for supporting it. Personally I don't find it hypocritical for a meat eater to have strong aversions to certain types of meat products. Like I said it's people's individual opinions and not fact.

I do actually understand the honey industry thanks and the worrying negative impact to our environment that is becoming increasingly evident.

My husband doesn’t have my consent to leave his pots in the sink. Sometimes he buys me cake when I’m on a diet! What a prick! He doesn’t have my consent to do either!

All these buzzwords- consent, victim blaming- they don’t apply to someone eating a sausage they enjoyed.

I’m very glad I have a bit of resilience and don’t think it’s normal to be silly about having breakfast cooked for me and enjoying it…!

Given the new information that OP has given us about the fact that her husbands’ behaviour caused a two year separation and forced them into counselling - and was abuse/control related, do you not think it’s time to admit that this latest incident is a clear signal that he still has control issues and has learned nothing from counselling ? And also that it’s not helpful for you to continue to ignore the serious consent issues here and try to minimise the incident ?

Your examples of ‘consent’ are preposterous and frankly offensive given the obviously difficult situation the OP finds herself in. Her husband has caused a breakdown in their marriage and continues to display controlling behaviour even after therapy. His actions have caused so much distrust that the OP is now having to cook her own food to be able to ensure control over it.

When your DH leaves his dishes in the sink - you don’t have to wash them. When he buys you cake when you’re dieting, you don’t have to eat it. You had a choice. The OP didn’t. And at no point did she ever say that she enjoyed what he cooked - or that she didn’t ‘like’ black pudding. She said she would never eat it - is the significance of this lost on you ?

There’s not much of the thread left. Why don’t you take the advice of a previous poster and leave what’s left to posters who want to give genuinely helpful advice to the OP instead of filling it up with mocking comments. She gets enough of that from her husband don’t you think ?

And @ttcat37 spectacularly misses the point again.

My husband doesn’t have my consent to leave his pots in the sink. Sometimes he buys me cake when I’m on a diet! What a prick! He doesn’t have my consent to do either!

Irrelevant unless your husband is hiding the cake in something else and telling you it is low fat or low sugar so that you would unknowingly eat it and, yes, if he did that I agree What a prick!

All these buzzwords- consent, victim blaming- they don’t apply to someone eating a sausage they enjoyed.

You can call them buzzwords in an attempt to trivialise them, but they are just words. OP didn't give her consent/permission/choice in what happened and her DH agrees. How you can say lack of consent/permission/choice isn't a consent issue is baffling - it literally is one of the words used. I really don't know what else to call your attitude other than victim-blaming? Something happened to her out of her control but you are blaming her and congratulating the person who effectively 'did the dirty' to her. And as it has been explained ad nauseam by posters and the OP herself, this isn't about eating a sausage, it's about boundaries.

I’m very glad I have a bit of resilience and don’t think it’s normal to be silly about having breakfast cooked for me and enjoying it…!

I'm so glad that if someone deceived you into doing something without your consent/permission/choice you would be resilient enough to think yourself silly for having any problem with it. As you have Aspergers I'll just point out that that was sarcasm. Your attitude to what is acceptable when consent/permission/choice is taken away is abnormal and unhealthy IMO.

@pam290358 I don't think this poster wants to hear anything that deflects from their own narrative

There's so much wrong with ttcat37' s last post it's difficult to know where to start.

Your attitude to what is acceptable when consent/permission/choice is taken away is abnormal and unhealthy IMO.

It certainly is.

There have been a few on this emotionally draining thread haven’t there ? But the persistence of this particular poster is really concerning. I’m with @Rosscameasdoody in that there are some who have posted out of sheer mischief, and who know full well what the crux of the matter is. I find it really hard to accept that women find it so easy to dismiss this kind of behaviour or try to minimise it, when it’s so clearly abusive. And in this case there is past evidence of it, which makes it so much worse that, as you say, some posters are using it to further their own narrative. I really hope the OP knows that at least some of us are with her and hope that she finds the support she needs, and doesn’t allow this arsehole to repeat past behaviour.

The consent issue has been compared to marital rape by one poster. A husband had been refused sex because his wife was tired, so he waited until she was asleep - evidently she didn’t know it had happened until she found herself pregnant. When she confronted him, he didn’t see the problem - they were married, so it’s his right. Right ? Wrong.

The issues involved may not be the same, but the question of consent is. Someone actually suggested a ‘sliding scale of consent’ which to my mind is a slippery slope to disregarding it altogether. Some may think the comparison is extreme, but I think it’s relevant. The OP’s partner, who has previously been abusive, caused a breakdown that required separation and counselling, and has once again displayed controlling behaviour. If this isn’t addressed how long is it going to be before he progresses to thinking he doesn’t need consent for anything else ?