Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

[Anon39]

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

I see what you’re saying, but I think I was very clear in my very first comment that I thought OP’s partner had behaved badly but that I was interested in challenging the sort of blind “it’s abuse” attitude. That’s what led me to look at related but different situations (eg the hiding veg - which had been mentioned by others before me).

I thought a related discussion that was linked to the wider issue was allowed… In fact, I’d go as far as to (to flatter myself!) that it might even be useful. If loads of posters think the only acceptable comment is to scream ‘consent is consent’ regarding any and all food that they eat, some vulnerable people might start to think that they have been abused by well-meaning parents trying to nourish them or that they themselves are abusers. It’s just not true to argue that consent about food is in any way as fixed as consent around sex.

But my pointing this out has made some people very, very mad.

Oh. My. God. 😂Ok, quoted, not tagged 🙄🙄Does it matter? I’ll use the blanket term ‘pester’ instead then.

The point is, you picked up on my comment. Not the other way round. You snipe at me, I will defend my point.

Unbelievable that you would think otherwise.

Why is me replying to you, or generally defending my points, ‘sealioning’? Is it because you can’t answer? Oh, sorry - mustn’t ask questions!

If you reply now, is that you sealioning, or are you special and exempt?

It’s just not true to argue that consent about food is in any way as fixed as consent around sex.

But my pointing this out has made some people very, very mad.

Because you’re talking bollocks.

OK, so let me get this straight, you don't think being made to do something without your consent is a consent issue? But it is actually a tantrum issue, so in your opinion the fault lies NOT with the DP (the doer) but with the OP/the innocent party (the done to)? Isn't that called victim blaming? Even if you think that it is just another form of meat, so no harm done, DP's intention was to be underhand (nasty IMO) and certainly not to do something positive for his partner, which has been made quite clear from OP's posts, and naturally this would be hurtful to her. No I absolutely don't get your POV thank God

So OP got tearful, removed herself from DP's presence and put her phone on mute and you would get cross and stomp a bit TBH I don't see much of a difference, but your reaction sounds much more like a tantrum than hers.

I do lead a fairly sheltered life thanks. I'm glad I don't live in YOUR world where someone who does something underhand gets congratulated and the poor person they hurt gets blamed if they react. Or where name-calling and belittling are considered acceptable - you don't paint yourself in a good light IMO.

Not once have I mentioned divorce. A sincere apology would be a start and a discussion about what they both consider acceptable/unacceptable and boundaries. OP has said they have now talked about it, but she doesn't trust him not to do it again (as she has such a strong aversion).

But don’t you understand that if you repeatedly pick on a poster who is simply raising points that are related to the topic (however irrelevant they may be to you), that poster is more than entitled to defend herself?

Why wouldn’t I reply to defend myself against your nastiness when a) I’m being reasonable and b) you’re mounting an attack?

You’re calling it sealioning because you want it to go like this: I make a point you so don’t like; you yell abuse; I quietly slink away.

Well, sorry, no.

This is a discussion forum. I’m discussing.

The reason I’ve asked slightly exasperated questions is because I dislike nonsense; if I see that someone is loudly positing two mutually exclusive points of view, I’ll call it out.

And the reason some of you are so mad seems to be that you cannot argue those questions away.

Just why does it make you so mad that I’ve pointed out that consent around food is not exactly the same as consent around sex, for example?!

If my points are so irrelevant, just ignore them ?! You don’t have to be the playground bully, constantly taunting and joining in with your bully friends and calling names.

Honestly - grow up.

At the risk of being accused of sealioning by the delightful @pikkumyy77 , can you explain why it’s “bollocks”?

Consent around sex is absolutely fixed, totally non-negotiable.

Consent around food can vary according to age.

But those two things are The Same to you?

If you don’t like being asked to explain this, maybe don’t lob insults at my posts? Just an idea.

@WomanStanleyWoman2
I’ve reported your childish abuse, but before you get deleted, any chance you could explain why discussion of these issues has turned you into a playground bully? What do you object to so much? If you could explain without personal attacks it might help.

@AmIthatweird I disagree too. This is a discussion about breaking boundaries. He knew she didn’t like the food, concealed it and gave it to her, watched her eat it and then mocked her. It has nothing to do with sex. Why have you brought sex and consent in as a comparison and what you’re basically saying is that it’s ok because it’s food based.

With respect, I’ve said I disagree with the behaviour of OP’s husband. So you’re not disagreeing with me?!

I’m guessing you haven’t RTFT?

Will someone think of the dead animals you're squabbling over.

Do I have to explain the concept of a conversation now Weird? In the part of the thread you have quoted me from I explained my POV of consent (again) and ttcat replied with their POV, basically that it's not a consent issue, so I replied "if you dont get it..." And they REALLY don't get it. And no I don't get their it either..

The OP was tricked into doing something that she didn't consent to. How is that not an issue of consent? That isn't just MY opinion, that is a fact surely? The very definition of consent is giving permission - which OP did not do. I can understand someone saying "well it's not that big a deal" (as has been said on here), not that I agree but I can see where they are coming from. You yourself Weird confusingly seem to agree as you have said somewhere upthread that the DP took OP's choice away - Isn't that exactly the same as her not giving consent/permission? The DP also accepts he took away her choice.

You seem to think that the posters, who you don't agree with, are getting mad because others have different opinions. However I think it is more frustration that a) you are siding with an unpleasant poster and b) you are going off on a tangent that isn't really relevant to this post and/or what OP was asking and that comes across as downplaying the OP's situation and concerns (which may not be your intent). If you want to have a MN conversation about choice/consent/hiding vegetables in children's food it is probably best to start your own thread.

The irony is not lost on me that you have unjustly accused me of attacking you before and yet are aligning yourself with a poster who did attack the OP by immediately called her names and has repeatedly belittled/gaslighted her.

I am generally pretty equable and happy to debate with those who have a different opinion to me. Imagine that Weird! Isn't that what a large part of MN threads are about and why many ask for opinions? What does get up my nose though are posters who insult and belittle others - it is unnecessary, unpleasant and guaranteed to rattle a few cages and I usually will respond although I try not to get in the middle of a bun fight.

OP and DP have now discussed the BP event and hopefully moved on - with OP now cooking her own food!

@Mothership4two
Thank you! I appreciate your reasonable response.

I didn’t realise I was aligning myself with any particular poster but I do see that I’d missed a chunk of the thread.

You do seem pretty reasonable tbf. I appreciate your engagement.

It’s interesting that you should mention people belittling others though. At least two posters have been deleted for attacking me! It’s in this latter part of the thread that some people have really gone for me/my points and I’ve had quite a lot of abuse for trying to defend myself.

Thanks for not joining in with the attacks!!

can you explain whyit’s “bollocks”?

Because:

a) It's irrelevant to the issue at hand IMO and as explained by OP in her opening post.

b) Consent around food can vary according to age - that comes under parental responsibilities. There are many things that parents may do to their children, eg discipline them, that one adult should not do to another (unless it is consentual!). These responsibilities are for the child's welfare. This generally stops when they become adults although there are grey areas.

c) No-one should make any adult do anything against their will either overtly or covertly. They are not giving their consent. Obviously within a legal framework - ie not talking about someone being detained or arrested, etc.

Thanks for not joining in with the attacks!!

No worries @AmIthatweird . I really mean it when I say I don't like personal insults on here - no matter what side of the argument you are on. It seems to be getting worse on MN in the past few years.

BTW I'm not perfect and have been needled to lash out occasionally. I think the last time a poster said I was a bad mother after reading a few of my lines that certainly did not say that! But it is few and far between (I hope) and I really try to be civil.

No-one is squabbling over dead animals - they are not the subject of the thread.

@Rosscameasdoody fundamentally they are. The OP is being hypocritical about which dead animal part she'll eat and you're all trying to make a big 'consent' deal out if it.

Although apparently posters are researching the OP's posting history because that's what we're meant to do now instead of taking threads at face value.

Have you considered that some posters are having a problem with you because you are intentionally derailing the thread ? You tried to widen the discussion by deviating into other areas. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to explore these issues, it’s not appropriate to do so on a thread started by another OP. It’s not your thread, and if you want a wider discussion away from the specific issues the OP asked about, then you really should start your own thread. I’m surprised this hasn’t been pointed out before now, to be honest.

It's the thread that just keeps giving. So many posters who don't understand the concept of consent. Several posters who apparently on a parenting forum don't understand parental responsibilities, despite it being explained at length

No. They’re not. The point of her post was the issue surrounding her partner’s actions in disregarding her boundaries. You’re acting in typical MN fashion in completely ignoring the OP’s question to air your own views. If you want a thread on animal issues, then start one. Someone else’s’ thread isn’t an appropriate place to do it.