Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

[Anon39]

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

Abuse is a betrayal of trust, mind games/ manipulation, extending to physical abuse. Please don't downplay abuse.

If you are vegetarian/vegan then yes I'd be furious. My husband would never give me meat and I'd be very upset if he did.

But if you are not and liked the sausage sandwich I'm unclear on the problem? It's just a different part of a pig?

It's the mocking that makes me think worse of his motives here. If it was a mistake or even deliberate but with what he thought were good intentions he'd have been apologetic.

Why are so many people trying to apologise for abusive behaviour. He didn’t feed it to her to see if she enjoyed it. It was malicious. And when she got upset he tried to weasel out of it by mocking her. In what world is humiliating and upsetting your partner acceptable behaviour ?

It’s a blood product and some people have very strong feelings about them - and are entitled to have their views respected, just as vegetarian and vegan choices are respected. The OP’s partner disguised as something else, something he knew she didn’t want to eat. Deliberately. Then told her to grow up when she got upset. Think about that.

This. And this is an example of at least two out of the three.

I wouldn't eat black pudding either and would be very upset if somebody did this to me.

YANBU

Because to many it would be like drinking a cup of blood pointless and disgusting

Black pudding sausages aren't liquid

No shit Sherlock !! It’s still a blood product.

Not these days. Apparently most commercial sausages use synthetic casings -they’re cheaper. Traditional sausages you buy fresh from a local butcher are more likely to be natural ones made from intestines.

I thought most MNs would buy sausages from the butcher as opposed to the shit filler ones at the supermarket!

Believe me, I understand abusive behaviour.

There is nothing in OP's post that suggests the husband was doing this to hurt her. None of us actually know why he did it. It actually might have been to see if she enjoyed it. A case of she likes sausages, maybe she'll like these if she doesn't know beforehand it's got black pudding in.
He didn't mock her. He told her to grow up and stop being so dramatic. Which she is imo.

Playing devil's advocate, I assume his purpose was to say you don't have an aversion to certain foods, it is all in your mind? You ate the sandwich and only stopped once he indicated that all was not above board. What do you think prompted him to do that?

Would you have finished the sandwich if he hadn't told you?

Regardless, it was an awful thing to do, a betrayal of trust. Can't be much of a relationship if you have to cook for yourself as you can't trust him to give you food you do not want to eat😟

No shit Sherlock !! It’s still a blood product.

But the point still stands, it's nothing like drinking blood...

Slightly odd as clearly it's not actually disgusting or you would have spat it out

And you can't eat any meat without eating blood so saying because it's blood is off as well

I'd think less of someone who wouldn't try something for irrational reasons - but deliberately giving somebody something they said they didn't want would not be acceptable either

@Anon39
that is wrong of your dh,

sounds like something dan would do to lucy on the youtyube lucy and dan pranks etc.

dan would say eg ask lucy if he could get a bucket of kfc, but because the way he words it, it is technically true that its a bucket but uses lucys presumption that dan means a normal bucket feast of kfc, etc

It actually might have been to see if she enjoyed it.

But why? The OP had made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want to eat black pudding. Why did her husband decide he knew better?

I’m not downplaying abuse. I just think it’s ridiculous how on mumsnet nobody (or men specifically) can have just done something stupid or misguided without automatically being labelled abusive, misogynistic or a bully. If my husband had done this to me I probably wouldn’t be happy about it but in no way would I consider him abusive or controlling. The levels of hysteria reached on this site are quite frankly insane.

If it had been an accident, it would be different, but he knew what he was doing. Egging you on to see if you liked it and then getting defensive - almost like he was trying to prove some sort of point by tricking you. That’s what stands out to me.

YANBU

YANBU ask him why he did it, strange after 20 years of marriage. My boyfriends were immature like this in early twenties

Sorry OP, but I’m going against the majority here.

I think YABU and your tears were unnecessary.

So you think it’s acceptable for him to take matters into his own hands and feed her this product unknowingly, even though he knows there’s no way in the world she would eat it knowing what it was ? At the very least it’s lack of respect, and at worst it’s controlling behaviour. I’d be wondering what else he’s underhand about.

I do see a massive difference in the trust that’s breeched between being fed something I just don’t like the sound of and being fed something I have a reason for avoiding.

The first is pretty inconsequential to me - I like it, I don’t, it’s neither here nor there; the trust involved is at most, superficial. The second is a much bigger deal to me.

But if something like this is a big deal to you, OP, then you’re entitled to feel that. Your DP obviously doesn’t though, so you might need to have a serious talk and reconsider the relationship. It seems like a fairly fundamental clash in values.

Why ? Are you with the ‘it’s only black pudding, so grow up’ brigade ?

I know I can picture it as a court case.

The OP's DH took control away from his wife by not stating what was in the sausage. He knew she wouldn't like it and didn't give her the chance to say yes or no. It may come across as harmless banter etc but think about the following

A woman gives her friend a gold necklace but doesn't tell her it's been stolen. The friend continues to wear the necklace in the belief its been purchased. She's had her choice/control taken away from her and that is abuse. You may think it hysterical but it's a misuse of trust. It's playing mind games with the friend. Imagine knowing you've been wearing a stolen item.