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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge son rent if he's away for the week?

276 replies

tropicalcocktails · 06/10/2023 11:47

Ds late 20s still lives at home but has family in another part of the country, he has just announced he's going to visit his other parent for the week.
We normally charge him a weekly contribution and at this current time money is pretty tight so we need him to contribute.
We have 2 young children who share a room as he still lives with us.
He's suddenly sprung this on us and as he now won't expect to pay his contribution next week that's money we will now have to find.

AIBU to think that as we don't have that bedroom free for our other children who share and I'll still have his washing to do and the fact he has known about this visit for weeks but didn't think he needed to tell us his plans which has now left us short he should still pay his contribution?

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 07/10/2023 17:30

Are you absolutely sure he isn’t expecting to pay for the week he’s away OP ?
I think he must realise how well he is treated and will be very grateful and wouldn’t dream of not paying his share of rent and utilities etc, while he is taking holiday. I can’t imagine a grown man who earns more than either of you, wouldn’t be paying fully for his share (not just a contribution towards his share and keep) and I can’t imagine he would be so rude as to quibble over your food bill either. Especially if he knows money is tight and you do so much for him.
I really hope that when you ask him about the money for his week away, you are pleasantly surprised by his positive response and words of thanks for all you do to support him.

Blanca87 · 07/10/2023 17:31

God, I feel sorry for his future partner. Late 20’s and mum does his washing, packed lunch and he pays minimum contribution. To the point he thinks it’s entirely reasonable to not pay his
(minimum) outgoings as he is away for a week. You need to teach him independence for his own sake.

Tessabelle74 · 07/10/2023 17:41

I wish my mortgage was free the week I go away! Tell him to pay up before he goes away and spends his rent money

fungibletoken · 07/10/2023 17:41

If his rent covers costs that won't go away whilst he's gone then fair enough and I'd explain that to him. He will have to understand it's not like a hotel room.

Agree with others, though, that as a separate point it's not great for him to get out of the habit of doing chores (or never develop the habit in the first place!). The washing makes sense but you say all other chores are taken care of too, including making him a packed lunch every day. Why at his stage of life?

MikeRafone · 07/10/2023 17:44

Agnorant · 07/10/2023 17:28

@MikeRafone ok as long as they are full loads it would work. We find it easier to do family laundry, as some are washed in 30 some 60 etc and then we wouldn’t have full loads. It’s definitely not left to one person.

Edited

Its full loads of washing, everyone knows that putting half a load of laundry on to wash would be a waste of money and energy. Its also not good to overload the machine as the laundry doesn't wash properly if this happens.

In the OPs case is the son doing his share of the laundry chores? If his expectation is op will still do his laundry, its doubtful

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 17:45

Why are you raising a spoilt man-child at the expense of your two younger children? Please don't dripfeed SEN....

KeyWorker · 07/10/2023 17:46

If he was 18 and I could afford it I’d potentially let him off, however, Considering his age I’d say it’s fine for you to charge him the usual rate. If he feels hard done by then he’s free to look for a rental or flat share etc but I suspect he’d be disappointed to find out he has to pay even if he’s on holiday.

truthhurts23 · 07/10/2023 17:47

the problem for me is that he allows you to do his washing, because he knows you will , a responsible adult would say "don't worry about my laundry mum, ill sort it"
he needs to find his own place

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 07/10/2023 17:49

The issue is with him not so much the laundry

Communal laundry basket makes sense. If the community is each taking turns to do the laundry.

When one woman does it all and her cocklodher failure of a son does Sweet FA then it shows a massive issue.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 17:50

tropicalcocktails · 06/10/2023 12:38

Thank you everyone, I will speak to him and ask that he still gives us something as we were expecting to have it.
I don't feel so mean now.

Get him to contribute to chores too

His future girlfriends will thank you

NotQuiteHere · 07/10/2023 18:02

as we don't have that bedroom free for our other children who share and I'll still have his washing to do and the fact he has known about this visit for weeks but didn't think he needed to tell us his plans which has now left us short he should still pay his contribution?

What a mess. Why do you throw everything (washing, shared bedroom, lack of advance warning) all together? Can you clear your head before asking strangers what to do?

You might think that he is an adult paying you rent, and he might think that he is part of the family and as an adult he is contributing to the family finances. Which one is it?

BreatheAndFocus · 07/10/2023 18:06

Be careful, OP. It sounds like you could be raising a clone of my ex. He lived with his parents until much older than your son. He paid minimal rent but had a go at his mum if she didn’t pack his lunch or hadn’t washed and ironed a shirt he wanted to wear. He grew up thinking that the money from his fulltime job was his to spend on frivolities.

He eventually moved out, his parents basically set him up in a large flat. His mum bought him all his kitchen appliances, put them all away in his kitchen cupboards for him, stocked his freezer, bought him a washing machine - and he still takes his washing home for mummy to do while he sits with his feet up. He also resents spending any money on utilities or food or normal expenses - because he’s a giant manbaby and had no experience of growing up into an adult. Your son might not be as bad (I hope!) but you’re doing him no favours.

And yes, he should pay for the week he’s away.

IAmHeartless · 07/10/2023 18:09

Tell him he pays the same amount as normal. The rest if us pay rent/mortgage if we go away.
But seriously, he can pay more or do his own food and washing.

Agnorant · 07/10/2023 18:12

MikeRafone · 07/10/2023 17:44

Its full loads of washing, everyone knows that putting half a load of laundry on to wash would be a waste of money and energy. Its also not good to overload the machine as the laundry doesn't wash properly if this happens.

In the OPs case is the son doing his share of the laundry chores? If his expectation is op will still do his laundry, its doubtful

Show quote history

I fully agree with you.

LuluBlakey1 · 07/10/2023 18:16

I think he should pay 50 or 60%. You won't be buying food for his evening meal, food for his packed lunches, any snacks for him. He won't be using any hot water or gas or electricity. You say you don't normally charge him at all so it seems harsh to charge him 100% on the basis that he hasn't given you as much notice .

Bertiesmum3 · 07/10/2023 18:18

People are saying that you still pay rent if you go away, yes you do but you don’t use hardly any electric/gas/water and he’s certainly not eating that week as not home, so I wouldn’t charge him a full weeks lodge, I’d let him only pay a quarter of the full amount

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 07/10/2023 18:24

Like many others have said, your mortgage lender or landlord won’t let you off a week’s payment just because you’re not there, so yes he should pay.

you mentioned he earns more than you. Please don’t tell me you’re only charging him a pittance for rent in the first place, plus buying his toiletries, doing all the housework etc.

At the risk of boring you with “in my day it was so much harder”, when I moved out of my mother’s house in 1993, I was earning about £9,000pa, paid £150 a month train season ticket and £40 per month rent….plus had to buy some extra food on top, and toiletries.

At his age, he’s not a child, he’s an adult, and needs to pay his way. If he doesn’t like paying a fair amount, then he is of course welcome to go and rent a room in a shared house, pay council tax, bills, food, do his own washing etc.

Manthide · 07/10/2023 18:25

I'd deduct any costs relating to food or energy use and ask for the rest. Ds (20) is at uni and during the summer I didn't charge him when he went away for a week. He earned more than us but I knew he was paying for his uni accommodation as well so only asked enough to cover the extra costs of having him home. Does he pay monthly? If so he'd still be paying the majority.

Anonymouseposter · 07/10/2023 18:25

I would expect him still to pay something but offer a reduction for food etc.
If several adults were living in my house it would get on my nerves a bit if they were all doing their laundry individually and i never knew when the machine was free. I would rather they just put in the basket and I did it. I woldn't be making lunches though and would be taking turns with cooking and clearing up after meals.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 07/10/2023 18:27

He gets it quite easy he gets a packed lunch for work and an evening meal with the family, all washing done, has no chores to do

And he's in his late 20s?

Bloody Hell.

cannaecookrisotto · 07/10/2023 18:33

How many of the people jumping on the OP for doing her sons washing are currently responsible for their husbands washing?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/10/2023 18:33

Slight reduction as he's not eating there. Other than that he needs to pay his dues. Utility, board etc. We don't get off not paying our mortgage/rent, electricity or council tax if we choose to jet off on holiday!

butterpuffed · 07/10/2023 18:33

Maireas · 07/10/2023 16:51

Yes, I agree, @CrabbiesGingerBeer . She's doing a load anyway. Some of these replies are just petty.

I would call them worse than petty , MNers are piling on to have a go at OP , it's tantamount to bullying .

Superscientist · 07/10/2023 18:34

I would do some kind of pro rata system.
Rent and fixed costs (gas, electricity and water) paid every week regardless
House hold (food and washing etc) contribution paid whilst there for an estimated number of weeks for example 2 weeks holiday a year. Work out the annual total and divide it by 52.
You know every week what contribution you are going to get and the household contribution is paid whilst there.

INTERNETEXPL0RER · 07/10/2023 18:38

BreatheAndFocus · 07/10/2023 18:06

Be careful, OP. It sounds like you could be raising a clone of my ex. He lived with his parents until much older than your son. He paid minimal rent but had a go at his mum if she didn’t pack his lunch or hadn’t washed and ironed a shirt he wanted to wear. He grew up thinking that the money from his fulltime job was his to spend on frivolities.

He eventually moved out, his parents basically set him up in a large flat. His mum bought him all his kitchen appliances, put them all away in his kitchen cupboards for him, stocked his freezer, bought him a washing machine - and he still takes his washing home for mummy to do while he sits with his feet up. He also resents spending any money on utilities or food or normal expenses - because he’s a giant manbaby and had no experience of growing up into an adult. Your son might not be as bad (I hope!) but you’re doing him no favours.

And yes, he should pay for the week he’s away.

You need to listen to this poster OP.

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