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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend is a bit unreasonable to invite me and her other good friend when me and her don’t know each other?

115 replies

WishyWishes · 06/10/2023 10:26

Its my friends birthday soon and she invited me to have a weekend away with her which was great, I was keen. However she has just mentioned she has also invited her other good friend and asked me how I feel about it, I’ve been honest and said it is a bit uncomfortable but to be honest deep down I’m really quite unhappy/upset. Her other good friend I do know of as she works in the same company but I’ve never worked in the department they both have previously (hence their friendship). Would you be happy going on a weekend away with your best friend and their other best friend that you don’t really know? I feel like 4 people would have worked out better. I imagine it’s going to be quite awkward her in the middle and us 2. AIBU?

OP posts:
DeniseSecunda · 06/10/2023 23:09

I think you just sound incredibly childish acting like this. Put on your big girl pants and suck it up. Haven't you ever had to deal with people you didn't know before?? Honestly, are you 12 years old or what?

rookiemere · 07/10/2023 07:02

Ok let's put it this way.

You haven't seen your good friend for a while so you are looking forward to a catch up when she suggests meeting. Then a week before you get together she says Jane - who you have never met - is also coming along. How do you feel ? I'd certainly feel a bit annoyed and Jane should have been mentioned to begin with.

Yes friend is entitled to celebrate her birthday with who she wants, but unless she is treating people to the entire weekend it's good manners to let people know who will be attending so they can decide if they want to spend their money on that.

CharlotteRumpling · 07/10/2023 07:42

Make an appointment to see your friend for a catchup alone on a day other than her birthday?

Mischance · 07/10/2023 07:44

Of course YABU - it is lovely to meet new people and get to know them. I can't see the problem unless you are feeling possessive about your friend.

cuckyplunt · 07/10/2023 07:47

Gosh, are 8year olds allowed to go away by themselves?

WandaWonder · 07/10/2023 07:48

It's not your birthday, unless there will be drip feed to say it's a joint one?

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2023 07:50

Ok let's put it this way.

You haven't seen your good friend for a while so you are looking forward to a catch up when she suggests meeting. Then a week before you get together she says Jane - who you have never met - is also coming along. How do you feel ? I'd certainly feel a bit annoyed and Jane should have been mentioned to begin with.

I mean that's literally what it says in the OP. Calling the unknown friend Jane doesn't change my opinion that OP is being ridiculous and I wouldn't give a shit.

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 08:23

You sound jealous Op

DilemmaDelilah · 07/10/2023 08:24

I would feel awkward, but I'm autistic and really struggle socially. However that is my problem, not anybody else's. How do people make new friends if they don't meet new people? And where would one meet new people? It sounds very fair that your friend should invite two people she likes for her birthday celebration, it is completely up to you whether you accept or decline.

Frenchfancy · 07/10/2023 08:54

I would assume that anyone that my good friend liked must be nice and I would look forward to making a new friend.

electriclight · 07/10/2023 08:57

Presumably your friend feels confident that, once you get to know each other, you'll get on. I don't think she would have invited you both without first thinking about the dynamics. How do you make new friends if you are this reluctant to meet new people?

Cola2023 · 07/10/2023 09:14

It's her birthday. Stop making it about you.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/10/2023 09:21

I wouldn’t mind but it’s kind of risky as she doesn’t know if you’ll get on. Would be nice to have a night out first.

A friend hired a big house for her 40th and invited 10 friends from different places, some work colleagues, some hobbies etc. It really didn’t work!!

rookiemere · 07/10/2023 09:24

Cola2023 · 07/10/2023 09:14

It's her birthday. Stop making it about you.

But it is about OP. She surely has the right to choose what she spends her weekend and money on and most people would like to know the composition of a group before committing to it. It being someone's birthday shouldn't trump basic manners.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/10/2023 09:31

good opportunity to get to know her other friend?
if your not comfortable with a weekend away, decline and suggest an evening out or lunch for the three of you.
I'd probably go - your friend knows you both and presumably thinks that you'll get on,

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 12:58

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 08:23

You sound jealous Op

I think you nailed it. Some people seem miffed that they are not "enough" and a friend is making the most of a weekend away to go with 2 close friends, as opposed to concentrate all her attention on someone.

it's a shame to see it that way, why not make the most of her birthday weekend and just have a good time?

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 12:59

It's likely not even cross her friend's mind that it could be an issue? They are not going on a date.

Ponoka7 · 07/10/2023 13:02

This is why it's really difficult for women to make friends if they don't in work, or lose touch with childhood friends. It gets worse as you get older.

MapleSyrupWaffles · 07/10/2023 13:29

But for a lot of people, going away for a weekend is quite a big thing. It maybe happens only once every couple of years or less, and takes money, planning, energy. Depends where they are going and what they're doing of course. But if you've been looking forward to a catch up with a friend, and planned out the weekend and saved up for it, suddenly being told someone else is along is a big difference. Travelling can be a bit stressful - good stressful, yes, but still takes a lot of energy - and adding a new person in the mix, which can also be very stressful for people, could be enough to make it not enjoyable. Making friends can take time - going for dinner or a play or whatever with someone new in the group, great, gradually get to know them. Spending a weekend where you are already out of your comfort zone for quite a lot of the time, maybe not. Probably depends a lot on where the weekend away is, how much it costs, how much planning it's taken, how stressful the travel might be, how much the friend was looking forward to catching up just the two of them after some time, that kind of thing. But lots of us would find it disappointing that the plans were so different from what they started out as.

SpringIntoChaos · 07/10/2023 13:52

You're being a bit weird about this OP, in all honesty! It's a birthday weekend...of course we invite our friends to things like this - why do you need to know everyone? Seriously...weird!

Allschoolsareartschools · 07/10/2023 15:33

Some of this depends on the other friend too. A lovely friend of mine likes to invite her friends to meet each other but I felt instant dislike from one of her other friends & she couldn't even look at me properly until she'd finished her third glass of wine.
Fine on a night out, bloody awkward on a weekend away.
I'd at the very least want to meet her before the weekend.

MapleSyrupWaffles · 07/10/2023 15:43

SpringIntoChaos · 07/10/2023 13:52

You're being a bit weird about this OP, in all honesty! It's a birthday weekend...of course we invite our friends to things like this - why do you need to know everyone? Seriously...weird!

But it's not a group situation where you'd expect to know everyone, or just a birthday night out, where it wouldn't matter. But a weekend away, which could be a costly thing that someone been looking forward to for a while, perhaps travelling somewhere as a pair, which is a very different dynamic than a three. A group would actually be easier to add extras to I think.

gamerchick · 07/10/2023 15:48

I'm personally always up for meeting new people. Made some of my closest pals that way.

OriginalUsername2 · 07/10/2023 15:52

I’ll tell you something real that will happen - one of you will always have to be the odd one. On pavements, on tables, on rides.

If they worked together you will be left out of conversations where they vent about it.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 15:58

OriginalUsername2 · 07/10/2023 15:52

I’ll tell you something real that will happen - one of you will always have to be the odd one. On pavements, on tables, on rides.

If they worked together you will be left out of conversations where they vent about it.

meanwhile in real life, most people manage perfectly well to spend time as a threesome (of friend!) without any issue.

Do people really make such big deals out of nothing? Life doesn't need to be so hard, chill!

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