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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my boundaries

103 replies

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 13:35

Hi all

first time poster long time follower! I recently had a baby she is 10 weeks now. Myself and DP had to move in with my parents because our accommodation flooded and our heating stopped working while I was pregnant.

for the most part things have been good, parents have been supportive of us. When I gave birth I had my heart set on BF. This didn’t seem to be an issue until I got home..
apparently no one in my household was OK with this..even though it had been discussed beforehand and everyone seemed supportive.

so I came home using a pump instead. I had a section and didn’t know this at the time but was brewing a septic infection in my incision which opened back up.. and found it so difficult to get up and down the stairs to my room every 2 hrs for pumping.. so asked could I pump in the corner away from everyone in another room downstairs only to be told no? 😑 no one would want to see that I’d make everyone uncomfortable!!

feels so silly typing all this, I’ve had two MCs previously and the last one was fairly horrific.. I ended up with surgery and haemorrhaging, took a while to recover. I want to know AIBU

i feel like my parents are overbearing and controlling the way I parent my new baby..
I asked that they wash their hands before they touch her face and no kissing her until she’s a little older.. they’ve all taken this personally and have been calling me abnormal saying I’m going to harm my child by not giving her bacteria to build her immune system? I agree with the bacteria but I just want to take precaution until she’s a little sturdier.
DF has cold sores on regular basis btw.

it’s caused the unholiest of arguments between us all and Im at a loss as to how to proceed with it.. I don’t think we can move until next summer….

so AIBU about the hand washing before touching her face and no kissing until she’s a little older maybe 4-6 months? And OBV no kissing from DF while he has cold sores.

im ok with my household picking her up with unwashed hands provided not dirty just not going for her face 😂

can I ask other mumsnetters when did they allow a lax on similar hygiene standards? I was thinking 6 months? Thanks so much

xxx

OP posts:
saveforthat · 05/10/2023 13:38

You've let your family stop you breastfeeding? Really? Move out and into rented.

GalileoHumpkins · 05/10/2023 13:43

Why did your family get a say in how you feed your baby?

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 13:49

@saveforthat I BF once when I came home from the hospital (I was hoping to combi for a month or so to build up a freezer stash in time for return to work) and was made go to my room up two flights of stairs.. I was struggling walking because of the infection..
so I started pumping instead but still was made
to go upstairs out of view of anyone as would’ve made EVERYONE uncomfortable apparently..
Am I losing my marbles are what.. I was obviously going to use a cover so no one could see..but seems everyone was all talk? And didn’t actually support me to BF or pump

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 13:51

@GalileoHumpkins
i shouldn’t have, but I wanted to ask if it was ok to pump downstairs as couldn’t manage the infection after section as walking was so painful.. I was worse to ask. I just felt before baby was born everyone was so supportive In my want to breastfeed that wouldn’t have been an issue, but no one was genuinely ok with it. Makes me sick 😢 I really beat myself up over it

OP posts:
SBHon · 05/10/2023 13:56

How horrible for you. I’d be looking to move much faster than next Summer, more like next week!

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 13:58

@SBHon
thanks so much, we were hoping to save the rest of our deposit and made sense to move back after our accommodation was flooded.. am I being unreasonable with my boundaries? I already feel like 💩 over the whole BF/pumping.. I look back and I just felt so weak with pain and infection I feel like I caved in.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 05/10/2023 13:59

Why on earth are they stopping you from breastfeeding? I'm actually appalled on your behalf. Tell them you want to do what's best for your baby and they need to get over their weird hang ups.

The kissing thing - a bit random but your shout.

CC222 · 05/10/2023 14:00

You feed your baby how you wish. Breasts are there to feed babies, if they're uncomfortable, that's on them!
They accepted your decision for you to breastfeed whilst living there, don't allow them to pressure you to stop this.
Carry on lumping in the corner if you're unable to make it upstairs. Stick to your guns and don't allow anyone to dictate how you feed YOUR baby.
Also stick to your guns about hygiene. You're right to not allow anyone to kiss your baby just yet.
Don't allow old fashioned small minded family members to deter you from how you parent your child.
You're doing a great job, keep it up and cherish these early days with your baby, don't let anyone put a downer on it 😊

PinkRoses1245 · 05/10/2023 14:00

Why on earth have you let them stop you BF if you wanted to do it. The washing hands and kissing is a bit much, do you wash you hands every time?

CC222 · 05/10/2023 14:00

*pumping 😊

MachinesOfGod · 05/10/2023 14:02

Does your accommodation not have any other duty to house you while your flooded home is fixed? Your house insurance should certainly cover for temporary accommodation, as should the council I think.

YANBU about any of it, at all, other than the fact that you haven’t moved back out again already.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:02

@roarrfeckingroar
thanks so much xx
the kissing thing just didn’t want her to pick up any bugs at such a young age.. also my mother has no vaccinations so that didn’t help!
Would feel a lot better when LO is vaccinated and a little better to fight off infections I suppose. 🤞🏻

They weren’t comfortable seeing a breast it seems.. I actually thought they would’ve been fully supportive given the section and infection but nope.. my mother put it this way.. if my father or grandfather seen.. she said she was also uncomfortable with it? And yet during my pregnancy had encouraged BF. I had my heart set on it 😢

OP posts:
MachinesOfGod · 05/10/2023 14:04

Nobody should be kissing a new babies face, HSV virus is potentially life threatening to an infant.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:04

@CC222

wow thank you so much 💗🫶🏻
I felt like I was losing myself being outnumbered 😢
thank you xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:06

@MachinesOfGod

thank you thank you thank you
I tried explaining this.. but they keep on alluding to me causing her more harm because I’m too protective over her..
it’s literally just no kissing and wash your hands if you touch her face for the minute 🫡
the guilt is unreal.. they keep saying they don’t know any other grandparents treated like this.. they’re the first to be grandparents out of their friend group!! 🙄💗

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:07

@MachinesOfGod unfortunately not, we were renting off DPs parents.. and they’ve decided to sell on.. so we’ve to move all of our undamaged stuff into storage as well sometime before Xmas 🥲 just to add to the stress lol xx

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/10/2023 14:08

Stop asking permission or listening to people telling you what to do. Pick up baby, latch baby, cuddle baby, repeat every time baby is hungry.

Unless you think they would physically drag the baby off your breast (in which case you're in a domestic violence situation and need to get into emergency accommodation)?

IslaWinds · 05/10/2023 14:09

YANBU at all. I’m shocked at their blatant sabotage of your breastfeeding decision and their cavalier attitude towards hygiene around a newborn. On top of this you are struggling with an infected incision.

Could they be consciously bullying you to encourage you to move out?

Frankly, I’d go down to the council and register as homeless or whatever it takes to move out.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:10

@PinkRoses1245

i feel so silly about it now, but because it made everyone feel so uncomfortable..
I didn’t have the strength to walk up and down the stairs to feed baby every 1-2 hours in the beginning 😢 and I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to BF or pump downstairs

about the hand washing/kissing
i didn’t want Grandparents to kiss baby, mother is unvaccinated and father has HSV and could be petting the dog and then stroking her face.. which I wasn’t comfortable with until she’s a little older.. the dog likes to wander outside alot 🥴

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 14:11

CC222 · 05/10/2023 14:00

You feed your baby how you wish. Breasts are there to feed babies, if they're uncomfortable, that's on them!
They accepted your decision for you to breastfeed whilst living there, don't allow them to pressure you to stop this.
Carry on lumping in the corner if you're unable to make it upstairs. Stick to your guns and don't allow anyone to dictate how you feed YOUR baby.
Also stick to your guns about hygiene. You're right to not allow anyone to kiss your baby just yet.
Don't allow old fashioned small minded family members to deter you from how you parent your child.
You're doing a great job, keep it up and cherish these early days with your baby, don't let anyone put a downer on it 😊

This.

My sister breast fed one of her twins until he was about 18 months. Even at our house we made sure she had everything she needed and nobody made a fuss. Wouldn't dream of ever putting her in a corner!

She also didn't like face kisses at first and we didn't bat an eyelid. Her kid her rules. Even in my house.

GrumpyPanda · 05/10/2023 14:11

No other grandparents would be treated like this? Pretty sure no other grandparents would be so mean to keep their own daughter from breastfeeding! Your family is horrible, this borders on abusive. Go back to bf, and as pp say chase your landlord or local authorities for alternative accommodation.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:12

@SisterMichaelsHabit

They would be asking me to leave every time I would feed. It has caused the biggest arguments
I felt so weak, almost like kicking me at my weakest.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 05/10/2023 14:12

When I gave birth I had my heart set on BF. apparently no one in my household was OK with this.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

They do NOT get to tell you how you feed your baby. They also don't get to tell you can/can't touch your baby or who has to wash their hands. I appreciate you're living in their home but seriously, that doesn't mean they can dictate your parenting choices.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:14

@IslaWinds

thank you so much, I’ve literally felt like I’m losing myself trying to explain to my family.. I don’t think they’re trying to get us to leave they were supportive about us staying while we stayed to save for deposit I think they’re frustrated that I keep trying to enforce a boundary around the kissing/hand washing

OP posts:
IslaWinds · 05/10/2023 14:16

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:14

@IslaWinds

thank you so much, I’ve literally felt like I’m losing myself trying to explain to my family.. I don’t think they’re trying to get us to leave they were supportive about us staying while we stayed to save for deposit I think they’re frustrated that I keep trying to enforce a boundary around the kissing/hand washing

Get a pack of anti-bac wipes and make them use one on their hands before handing the baby off to them. You can always laugh and pretend you have OCD germ phobia if it makes them feel better.

Id also just breastfeed. Ignore them.