AIBU about my boundaries

[Lilyacpark]

Hi all

first time poster long time follower! I recently had a baby she is 10 weeks now. Myself and DP had to move in with my parents because our accommodation flooded and our heating stopped working while I was pregnant.

for the most part things have been good, parents have been supportive of us. When I gave birth I had my heart set on BF. This didn’t seem to be an issue until I got home..
apparently no one in my household was OK with this..even though it had been discussed beforehand and everyone seemed supportive.

so I came home using a pump instead. I had a section and didn’t know this at the time but was brewing a septic infection in my incision which opened back up.. and found it so difficult to get up and down the stairs to my room every 2 hrs for pumping.. so asked could I pump in the corner away from everyone in another room downstairs only to be told no? 😑 no one would want to see that I’d make everyone uncomfortable!!

feels so silly typing all this, I’ve had two MCs previously and the last one was fairly horrific.. I ended up with surgery and haemorrhaging, took a while to recover. I want to know AIBU

i feel like my parents are overbearing and controlling the way I parent my new baby..
I asked that they wash their hands before they touch her face and no kissing her until she’s a little older.. they’ve all taken this personally and have been calling me abnormal saying I’m going to harm my child by not giving her bacteria to build her immune system? I agree with the bacteria but I just want to take precaution until she’s a little sturdier.
DF has cold sores on regular basis btw.

it’s caused the unholiest of arguments between us all and Im at a loss as to how to proceed with it.. I don’t think we can move until next summer….

so AIBU about the hand washing before touching her face and no kissing until she’s a little older maybe 4-6 months? And OBV no kissing from DF while he has cold sores.

im ok with my household picking her up with unwashed hands provided not dirty just not going for her face 😂

can I ask other mumsnetters when did they allow a lax on similar hygiene standards? I was thinking 6 months? Thanks so much

xxx

@ReverseFerret
DP works a shift rarely around to hear all the arguments he’s working 60+ hrs a week.. he supports me 100% and agreed with my points but he’s careful not to rock the boat in his in laws house.. because if they kick us out we’re stuck.

They want educating on breast feeding.. you shouldn't have to pump.. your baby should be held close to your breasts.. it's been going on scince the earth began.
If they're uncomfortable they should go to another room.. gosh I'm so so mad on your behalf..
Give them a book on BF or something from the Internet..ask you HV to have a word with them.. this is more important right now than the kissing thing.. plus breast feeding helps to protect and build up immunity..
It's deconian.. educate them.

I pump exclusively and my whole family (who I don’t live with), including my brother, my 13 year old nephew and my dad, have had to watch me pump. My niece has even commented on how long my nipples get when I pump 😂 In my view it’s no different to nursing and if someone told me not to nurse I’d give them what for so everyone has to be accepting of it.
In terms of hygiene it’s reasonable to expect a level of cleanliness. If you feel they think they know better speak to your health visitor and share with them what she says.

@QueenofTheSlipstreamVM

i think because this is the first grandchild they’re abit uneducated on everything baby. But they were 100% behind me BF they just changed their mind when it was going to be in their face..
I said to them it wasn’t reasonable to expect me to take her upstairs away every 1-2 hrs.. I wouldn’t leave my room if that was the case.
but that’s what was expected and there didn’t seem to be an in between unfortunately.

they’re just NOT ok with BF or seeing a breast. I just can’t wrap my head around WHY 🫡

@Nicole1111

I am jealous it’s how I thought it was going to be for us…
lol I wish I had this experience!! 😂

I’m so sorry they are being so utterly crap. No one else in the world should get a say in how you feed your baby. I say just pump in front of them. What are they going to do?

@Nicole1111

It’s just caused massive arguments.. it didn’t seem worth fighting for because I was so weak. I wasn’t going to win.
the section and infection really knocked me I didn’t have the energy to keep on arguing with them 😢

I think kissing on the mouth should definitely be out except for mom and dad.
Kissing on the cheecl or in general should be common sense not to do when you've got cold sores or sick. Otherwise I think I wouldn't mind a peck on the cheek from a healthy grandparent probably I'd say 6 to 8 weeks. Probably before if its just a peck on the cheek.
Wash your hands after touching the dog definitely. Like forever. My father is a vet and says people don't realise how unhygienic pets are.
If you want to wait until your baby's 1sr round of vax fair enough. I don't think it makes that big of a difference beause they only get vacced against certain diseases so they're still at risk for the others. So to me it will be more about is the individual touching her healthy or not.

Dtap actually lowers all cause mortality, so I wouldn't pin my hopes on that.

Alsi, kids get vaccinated against childhood diseases, so your mom being invaxxed has little to do with it, bar a certain few diseases that she can give her such as rota virus.

Your parents are fe**ing wierd.

Pumping is actually more obvious. Once your baby is latched on until baby is about 4-5 months old then no-one in the room should be able to see anything if you have a cover.

A cover doesn't have to be anything special just a wide scarf.

I bf my DD in public as well as various relatives homes, and I mixed fed her.

Also anyone with bloody common sense won't visit let alone kiss anyone who is vulnerable if they have a virus.

What the hell! I can't believe I'm reading this. No-one gets to tell you how to feed your baby. They should be accommodating your parenting style. You need to get out of there ASAP by any means necessary.

I’m so sad for you! You and your little one deserve better

OP

Is there any chance you could move in with your DP's parents?

I know that the rental situation in Ireland is atrocious, but maybe if you moved more rurally also? (Depending on your DP's job obviously)

I second getting a sympathetic health visitor to come and back you up.

Hand washing after pet handling is good practice no matter what age.

Not scaremongering but Covid/Flu are doing the rounds, and they could be infectious before symptoms occur. It can be serious in small children. Whichever way you look at it they should respect your rules.

I remember a random bloke friend of DHs coming to our house and handling a very small DS then telling us he'd had a rotten tummy bug. I could have cheerfully hit him. Some people just don't engage brain.

@SeulementUneFois

thank you so much for your response, unfortunately we were renting from DPs parents, the accommodation is not going to be fixed for us, it’s going to be sold instead they’re moving sometime next summer too.
If it was possible tho we would have, it was our original plan, the flooding and heating going happened when I was maybe 16 weeks pg xxx unfortunately all of our stuff will have to be moved, anything salvageable put into storage but that’s another stressy nightmare 🫡

@Alltheyearround

Thank you so much for this..

bother grandparents attended a wedding when lo was 6 weeks old.. and guess what? We’re socialising with someone who had COVID and didn’t think to tell me 🥲
another almighty argument happened after that.
Wouldn’t even do the covid tests I bought them to ensure they were negative!!
fackin he’ll the more I talk about it the more I’m seeing they’re making things so difficult for us.

@Nicole1111

Thank you so much for your support and responses 🤗

@frumpalertt

Thank you 💗 instead I’m being called abnormal 😑 I appreciate your support X

@Reugny

Thank you xx I think by saying how uncomfortable they were BF meant that pumping would be out of their way.. as I’d have to go upstairs to do it.

@Ohhbaby

thanks so much for this, prior to having a baby myself I probably wouldn’t have been fussy about hand washing after handling the dog given they were my baby first! 😂 I can understand if someone doesn’t take the same precautions I do, but to me seems common sense if you’re handling a baby to wash your hands first after handling the dog..
i just can’t seem to get my point clearly across….
it’s all this older generational bs like it did you no harm, and I’m too protective, hindering their relationship list goes on!

Thank you for the guidance re kiss on cheek 🤗

I agree with you.. probably more so a trust issue for me then because when lo was 6 weeks grandparents went to a wedding and we’re socialising with someone who had covid and refused to do a test when they came back……

xx

The problem you have is that you’re in a little bit of a “their house, their rules” situation. You can set whatever boundaries you would like to, however when you’re living in their house it’s always going to be difficult to enforce boundaries. You really need to focus your efforts on moving out

@Mrsttcno1

You’re absolutely right, I didn’t think they’d be like this.

Thank you 🤗 xxx

OP, I'm a midwife. You've received some good advice on this thread regarding housing and regarding the risk of cold sores to an infant. There's no set age at which it becomes safe to start touching a baby with unwashed hands, but I'd say you're being quite sensible to wait until after your DD has had her first set of jabs. You may find that you start to feel more relaxed before she's 6 months old - many babies are starting to become more mobile by that point and are picking things up and putting them in their mouths, so parents often naturally start to relax a bit more about hygiene at that point. It starts feeling a bit silly to wash your hands every time you pick up the baby when she's happily licking seashells at the beach or eating the soil out of your plant pots!

Regarding whooping cough specifically, did you get the vaccine in pregnancy? That will offer your DD decent protection until she gets her own.

One thing I hadn't seen mentioned on the thread is that if you still want to breastfeed, 6 weeks isn't too late to start. It will take some time to get your supply going but it's by no means impossible. Start by doing loads of skin to skin with the baby (maybe feign being poorly for a day or two and stay in bed with your baby skin to skin?) and hand expressing every 3 hours, and/or offering the baby the breast. You might just get drops (or nothing at all) initially, but if you persevere, after a couple weeks it should start to increase. Be aware that a c-section (which often comes with a slightly higher blood loss) and sepsis can both impact your supply so don't be discouraged if it takes a little time. Your health visitor should be able to advise if they have any breastfeeding specialists on their team who can help, or if theres a local La Leche League group near you.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough start to motherhood. As PPs have said, please seek help to get away from your parents' house and start your journey again with your little one. It's not too late for a fresh start and to enjoy the experience of mothering your little girl <3

Horrified by this OP. No advice except stand up for yourself even though feeling low and vulnerable. Where is your DP in this? Could he not be advocating for you with your DPs?

OP, you don't need to worry about whether your precautions are OTT or not. Nobody needs to kiss your baby. Your baby will not suffer from not being kissed by your grandparents. You can insist on whatever you like, and you don't need to justify yourself. It doesn't matter whether it's bonkers or not (and fwiw I don't think it is a bonkers rule at all); if it makes you feel happier, that's fine.

Babies/small children are germ factories. If you take baby to groups etc in the months to come, trust me, she will get her fair share of germs. You really don't need to worry about her not coming into contact with germs, and if you want to say "no kissing" then that's absolutely fine.

Erm, tbh I don't remember having any requirements for handwashing or not allowing kisses, but everyone is different and a proper HCP has commented upthread!

Your baby. Your boundaries. Your choices.