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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my boundaries

103 replies

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 13:35

Hi all

first time poster long time follower! I recently had a baby she is 10 weeks now. Myself and DP had to move in with my parents because our accommodation flooded and our heating stopped working while I was pregnant.

for the most part things have been good, parents have been supportive of us. When I gave birth I had my heart set on BF. This didn’t seem to be an issue until I got home..
apparently no one in my household was OK with this..even though it had been discussed beforehand and everyone seemed supportive.

so I came home using a pump instead. I had a section and didn’t know this at the time but was brewing a septic infection in my incision which opened back up.. and found it so difficult to get up and down the stairs to my room every 2 hrs for pumping.. so asked could I pump in the corner away from everyone in another room downstairs only to be told no? 😑 no one would want to see that I’d make everyone uncomfortable!!

feels so silly typing all this, I’ve had two MCs previously and the last one was fairly horrific.. I ended up with surgery and haemorrhaging, took a while to recover. I want to know AIBU

i feel like my parents are overbearing and controlling the way I parent my new baby..
I asked that they wash their hands before they touch her face and no kissing her until she’s a little older.. they’ve all taken this personally and have been calling me abnormal saying I’m going to harm my child by not giving her bacteria to build her immune system? I agree with the bacteria but I just want to take precaution until she’s a little sturdier.
DF has cold sores on regular basis btw.

it’s caused the unholiest of arguments between us all and Im at a loss as to how to proceed with it.. I don’t think we can move until next summer….

so AIBU about the hand washing before touching her face and no kissing until she’s a little older maybe 4-6 months? And OBV no kissing from DF while he has cold sores.

im ok with my household picking her up with unwashed hands provided not dirty just not going for her face 😂

can I ask other mumsnetters when did they allow a lax on similar hygiene standards? I was thinking 6 months? Thanks so much

xxx

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 18:35

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:19

@Spencer0220

literally this..
I’m jealous of this experience and it’s exactly the way I thought living at home would be for us..
xx

I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to cause you upset. I was just trying to say how it's supposed to be

Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 18:39

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:26

@SisterMichaelsHabit

I mean I can’t understand what their problem is.. ? And why I’m being made to feel so small over it.
they keep saying they’re so hurt by my actions? What politely asking not to touch her face if you’ve been petting the dog? 😂 please don’t kiss her you’ve no vaccinations at all? 🥴
please don’t kiss her she has no immune system yet!
I applied for council housing applications are taking 3months +

If they are petting the dog they should not be touching your child's face. End of.

I have pets and I was very careful to not handle them around my niece and nephews. That said, they are caged so it was easier.

My sister had a dog and as far as she could only did supervised time with them.

Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 18:43

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:41

@LifeExperience

i was in bits after the section, brewing an infection the entire time.
You know what hurt more? Not being able to climb the stairs but my mother saying ahh that’s ok sure you go pump upstairs and I’ll stay and look after the baby?
thanks for the offer but I want to BF her and I’m struggling to walk! 😢
I wouldn’t mind but I took her up on the offer one evening and she fell asleep with baby in her arms.. I almost died think of what could’ve happened

*edited just to say she wasn’t left for more than a few minutes and my sister was downstairs too.. but seriously I cannot cope with the trying to control my situation 🫡

Edited

That is so so dangerous. I really don't think you can leave dd alone with grandma again

whycantIthinkofadecentusername · 05/10/2023 19:01

Oh @Lilyacpark. I'm sorry you're being treated like this. I preface this with I didn't BF DS, who is now 11. So,

One of my closets and loveliest friends has just had her DD. She made the decision to exclusively BF. Last week she and baby visited my home for the first time, and as babies do she got hungry.

It was made clear to my friend that she was free to use any room in my home to BF so long as she was comfortable. Cover up or not. Lie on my bed. Sit in the sofa. Sit at the dining table. It's of no consequence to me. She was supplied with drinks and lunch whilst she was feeding.

That's the kind of support you should be having. Your baby is just that. YOUR baby. It doesn't matter what anyone else would and wouldn't do. Your mom. Your choices, boundaries, rules go and should be respected.

M340 · 05/10/2023 19:58

I genuinely don't think this is real.

Why would any parents force their daughter who has suffered loss / MC, not to breastfeed, and call you abnormal for putting your child's needs and safety first?

I can't imagine a situation like this would happen.

Or if it did happen, that between you or your partner (who seems like an arsewipe) causing an unholy argument yourselves by sticking to your boundaries and sticking up for yourselves.

You need to move, not next summer.
Now.

M340 · 05/10/2023 20:00

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 14:12

@SisterMichaelsHabit

They would be asking me to leave every time I would feed. It has caused the biggest arguments
I felt so weak, almost like kicking me at my weakest.

So don't leave. They can't pick you up and force you?

This can't be happening.

lilachouse · 05/10/2023 20:04

If your family are concerned about baby’s immunity level they should have supported you with breastfeeding!

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:51

@Spencer0220

awe love you didn’t cause me upset! It’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be, wish my family had of been as supportive as you were 💗🤗 Xxx thank you for sharing, because truly it makes me see what I’ve experienced is not supposed to be the norm, Altho it’s taken away from my newborn bubble, it won’t ever happen again. 💗 I won’t be coerced and made to make others feel more comfortable about something as basic and necessary as feeding my baby xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:54

@M340

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. This is a genuine post? I appreciated everyone’s response.
my partner is not an arsewipe though?
the arguments are between myself and my parents being uncomfortable around BF
My partner supports me 100%.
but the fact is I couldn’t climb the stairs after section and infection and both parents were uncomfortable with me BF or pumping and made me feel very small about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:56

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername

thank you so much for sharing, you sound like a wonderful and caring friend 🤗 xxx I would feel so at ease and welcomed if this was me! 💗🫶🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:57

@lilachouse

absolutely but the only comparison they could draw was the fact that my parents used to eat soil.. possibly?! But not at 10 weeks old 😂

OP posts:
M340 · 05/10/2023 20:57

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:54

@M340

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. This is a genuine post? I appreciated everyone’s response.
my partner is not an arsewipe though?
the arguments are between myself and my parents being uncomfortable around BF
My partner supports me 100%.
but the fact is I couldn’t climb the stairs after section and infection and both parents were uncomfortable with me BF or pumping and made me feel very small about it.

Your partner needs to move heaven and earth to defend you. Not to be scared to cause an argument.

You are at the most vulnerable and tiring point of your life and you're in the thick of the hard early days.

He needs to be defending you, not scared of upsetting the roost.

If he works, can you move out, air bnb until yours is repaired? If he's working full time and you have mat leave pay?

It's not working. You don't get this time back and your horrible, nasty parents are ruining this for you, your partner and your baby.

whycantIthinkofadecentusername · 05/10/2023 20:58

@Lilyacpark you would be welcomed with open arms! I hope you get the support you deserve. Its hard enough as it is without feeling like you're fighting a battle each day.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:58

@m340

no they could not, but they’re doing a good job at arguing about it, and making me uncomfortable enough by saying your father/grandfather/sister could walk in anytime and ‘see’ you… and “no one is comfortable with this”

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:59

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername

Thank you so much 🤗💗 I will know for next baby 🫶🏻 ftm is a steep learning curve without the support around BF it’s very difficult xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 21:03

@m340

DP works shift and is gone for 60+ hours a week a mix of days nights and mids. We moved back with my parents to try save the remainder of our deposit.
he supports me in the argument I faced with them, but rarely there to see the ugliness of it taking place.
we are working towards moving out sooner, truthfully we can’t afford the rents locally we’d have to consider moving way out 🤞🏻 we’re looking at all of our options though.
it’s unsustainable. But truthfully I was in two minds as to whether I was being unreasonable…. I thought maybe others would have issue too and see where they’re coming from..
can truly see how ridiculous yous all think this must be now! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 21:04

@Spencer0220

we haven’t. 🫡 not going to happen either.

OP posts:
M340 · 05/10/2023 21:05

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 21:03

@m340

DP works shift and is gone for 60+ hours a week a mix of days nights and mids. We moved back with my parents to try save the remainder of our deposit.
he supports me in the argument I faced with them, but rarely there to see the ugliness of it taking place.
we are working towards moving out sooner, truthfully we can’t afford the rents locally we’d have to consider moving way out 🤞🏻 we’re looking at all of our options though.
it’s unsustainable. But truthfully I was in two minds as to whether I was being unreasonable…. I thought maybe others would have issue too and see where they’re coming from..
can truly see how ridiculous yous all think this must be now! X

I'm not trying to be harsh OP. I'm sorry if I came across harsh and sorry for doubting your post if this is real.

I'm gobsmacked that any parents would treat their vulnerable daughter like this. But I do think your partner should be fighting your corner. Whether he sees the ugliness of it or not. You're being bullied. If your child gets bullied at school, will you not do everything in your power to stop that because you didn't see it, as the child is in school?
No. Of course not.

Your partner needs to do the same.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 21:09

@m340

Thank you 🤗

it shouldn’t have happened, shouldn’t continue to happen.

i think he’s afraid to rock the boat because were stuck if we do. 💩

OP posts:
ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 21:11

Thing is boundaries are not to make to someone behave the way you want.

If they don't respect your wishes then you need to leave. Presumably you're living free in their home to save money? Can't be easy for them either.

You need to leave when you're recovered from the infection. If you need to move way out then that's what you need to do.

Original poster
Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 21:15

@ShellySarah

Thanks so much for your response. 🤗 absolutely not an easy situation for them either, how ever while I was pregnant I thought we had all scenarios kinda covered, i didn’t think they’d dramatically change their minds re BF/pumping or their hand hygiene

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 21:25

M340 · 05/10/2023 19:58

I genuinely don't think this is real.

Why would any parents force their daughter who has suffered loss / MC, not to breastfeed, and call you abnormal for putting your child's needs and safety first?

I can't imagine a situation like this would happen.

Or if it did happen, that between you or your partner (who seems like an arsewipe) causing an unholy argument yourselves by sticking to your boundaries and sticking up for yourselves.

You need to move, not next summer.
Now.

I don't think this comment is at all helpful

Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 21:29

Lilyacpark · 05/10/2023 20:58

@m340

no they could not, but they’re doing a good job at arguing about it, and making me uncomfortable enough by saying your father/grandfather/sister could walk in anytime and ‘see’ you… and “no one is comfortable with this”

So respond that they can leave

ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 21:54

Spencer0220 · 05/10/2023 21:29

So respond that they can leave

Show quote history

But it's her parents house she and her partner and baby are living rent free in so they can save money.

I don't think the OP has any right to lay down the law either and tell people who own the house to leave a room if they don't like what she is doing.

The solution is they leave to a rental they can afford.

Rosiee29 · 05/10/2023 22:08

Ew gross. They have zero say in how your child is parented, you make the rules for your body. You and your partner make the rules for you child. What does DP say?