AIBU about my boundaries

[Lilyacpark]

Hi all

first time poster long time follower! I recently had a baby she is 10 weeks now. Myself and DP had to move in with my parents because our accommodation flooded and our heating stopped working while I was pregnant.

for the most part things have been good, parents have been supportive of us. When I gave birth I had my heart set on BF. This didn’t seem to be an issue until I got home..
apparently no one in my household was OK with this..even though it had been discussed beforehand and everyone seemed supportive.

so I came home using a pump instead. I had a section and didn’t know this at the time but was brewing a septic infection in my incision which opened back up.. and found it so difficult to get up and down the stairs to my room every 2 hrs for pumping.. so asked could I pump in the corner away from everyone in another room downstairs only to be told no? 😑 no one would want to see that I’d make everyone uncomfortable!!

feels so silly typing all this, I’ve had two MCs previously and the last one was fairly horrific.. I ended up with surgery and haemorrhaging, took a while to recover. I want to know AIBU

i feel like my parents are overbearing and controlling the way I parent my new baby..
I asked that they wash their hands before they touch her face and no kissing her until she’s a little older.. they’ve all taken this personally and have been calling me abnormal saying I’m going to harm my child by not giving her bacteria to build her immune system? I agree with the bacteria but I just want to take precaution until she’s a little sturdier.
DF has cold sores on regular basis btw.

it’s caused the unholiest of arguments between us all and Im at a loss as to how to proceed with it.. I don’t think we can move until next summer….

so AIBU about the hand washing before touching her face and no kissing until she’s a little older maybe 4-6 months? And OBV no kissing from DF while he has cold sores.

im ok with my household picking her up with unwashed hands provided not dirty just not going for her face 😂

can I ask other mumsnetters when did they allow a lax on similar hygiene standards? I was thinking 6 months? Thanks so much

xxx

@ManateeFair

honestly this has made me feel so much better 🫶🏻
I kept saying to myself and them, this is my baby and you can’t be dictating how I parent her.

my Mum kept saying it’s actually ok your father can touch her face with unwashed hands it’s fine.

she’ll grow up on antibiotics if you don’t..
like seriously I’m just trying to protect her I thought the baby hygiene rules were standard 🥲

im still hurt over the BF. Because someone will see…? And I’ll make them uncomfortable 🥴

@Spencer0220

literally this..
I’m jealous of this experience and it’s exactly the way I thought living at home would be for us..
xx

I really think you need to get to your local council and declare yourself homeless with a baby on the grounds of coercive control, you might possibly be able to get help from Women's Aid (they're no longer laser-focused on man vs women DV and now recognise a lot of other abusive situations women can find themselves in). The fact you're starting to wonder if you're going crazy is a very worrying sign.

I know it's all very hard but you need to do what's best for you and the baby, and they're not letting you parent your own child.

You can't live like this until next summer. You've only just had the baby, how much worse is this going to get? How many more parts of your life are they going to control by then?

@GrumpyPanda

You’d imagine everyone would just put how they feel about BF aside and just permit it for their first grandchild.
I can’t understand their issue..
I even offered to go back upstairs to feed/pump as soon as the infection was gone when I was able to climb stairs without wanting to throw up from the incision pain! Xx

@SisterMichaelsHabit

I mean I can’t understand what their problem is.. ? And why I’m being made to feel so small over it.
they keep saying they’re so hurt by my actions? What politely asking not to touch her face if you’ve been petting the dog? 😂 please don’t kiss her you’ve no vaccinations at all? 🥴
please don’t kiss her she has no immune system yet!
I applied for council housing applications are taking 3months +

@IslaWinds

thats actually a great idea!! Thank you xxx

I second what @SisterMichaelsHabit said. This is coercive control. I'm amazed that they could make you walk upstairs right after a c-section. I had a c-section and couldn't walk upstairs for 6 weeks. You are being abused. Get help to get a place for you and the baby to live, and bin the lot of them. They're horrible human beings.

Very weird about the breastfeeding thing. Sad that you gave in.
I get the no kissing, but 6 months is extreme.
I think normally nurses advise 6 weeks at least, just because they have no antibodies. So they still have to build up their immune system (through skin to skin and bf,!))

However your mum being unvaxxed is really not a problem. A sick person can give a baby an illness, not an unvaxxed person. If your mum is healthy, doesn't matter if she's had no vax, she can't give an illness to the baby, because she hasn't got it.

Similarly, you could have had every vaccine in the book twice over, but if you've come down with something, you can ass it on to baby.

Seems like since covid people have forgotten how vaccines work.

Again what is the whole you've had no vaccines thing???

This is blatant emotional abuse. 😡 Stopping you from feeding your baby the way you want to feed your baby is abusive. Forcing you to go upstairs as though you are disgusting is abusive. You’re in pain with an infection and all they care about is getting you out of the way so that you don’t “offend” them. And then completely ignoring how dangerous it can be to kiss a newborn and being blasé with their dog. All abusive behaviour too.

It might be their house but the baby isn’t theirs. They can fuck off.

Council housing is different to the emergency accommodation they can put you in if you "declare homelessness" which is a legal thing as they then have a duty to find you somewhere (you might need proof, which is where Women's Aid or CAB might be able to help you) or are fleeing an abusive situation and you will get priority with a newborn baby. It won't be the Ritz but they can find you a bedsit or similar and you and your child wouldn't be excessively controlled like this!

@Ohhbaby

thanks so much for your reply, I’m a FTM after two mcs, I suppose just overly cautious! Would you recommend a time when would be ok for grandparents to kiss newborns? I can’t find any straight answers anywhere!
i figured after her first round of vax and 3 month mark would be ok? Xx
my phn and dr weren’t happy about my mother not being vaccinated against pertussis.. I took their advice on this one. I’m not comfortable with it either but then again I don’t know anyone who’s had whooping cough or the rates in the community.. xxx
i was just trying to follow their advice xx

@Ohhbaby
it was my mother who’s had no vaccines, like at all, her parents decided not to vaccinate when she was born and she hadn’t had one ever.

@funinthesun19

thanks so much for your response, I feel so vindicated.
they have unfortunately made this precious time in myself and baby’s life quite unpleasant. I’m just so sad I gave in, I didn’t have much fight left in me to keep arguing. xxx

@SisterMichaelsHabit

Thank you so much I will look into this 🫶🏻💗 you have been so kind and helpful xxx I appreciate your responses xX

Some years ago a friend showed me a baby photo. She looked like she had been punched in the eye. Her mum had kissed her in that area with a cold sore ( didn’t know the danger then ) and that was the result. She grew up to have the worst cold sores of anyone I’ve ever known, they would literally travel down her chin in a big ugly red weal, she hated it.
I wouldn’t let any of them near my dc and would be looking to get out asap.

@LifeExperience

i was in bits after the section, brewing an infection the entire time.
You know what hurt more? Not being able to climb the stairs but my mother saying ahh that’s ok sure you go pump upstairs and I’ll stay and look after the baby?
thanks for the offer but I want to BF her and I’m struggling to walk! 😢
I wouldn’t mind but I took her up on the offer one evening and she fell asleep with baby in her arms.. I almost died think of what could’ve happened

*edited just to say she wasn’t left for more than a few minutes and my sister was downstairs too.. but seriously I cannot cope with the trying to control my situation 🫡

Your family are bullying you. You live in their house but you should still be able to parent as you choose. Try and stand your ground with calm repetition. They can say you are wrong all they like. Stick to your guns.

@Scoutabouttoo

thank you 🙏🏻
I have done the calm repetition, never seems to work thou
they literally don’t listen to me, bordering on ignoring me.

You need to move out. Asap. Sorry if I've missed it but where is your dp in all of this?

Are you in the uk?

OP it sounds like you're having such a difficult time. I'm really cross on your behalf.

I wouldn't be worried about the hygiene, for what it's worth, but it is YOUR choice and nobody else's how you feed your baby.

@ohdamnitjanet

thank you for sharing that, I am sorry to hear about your friend, this will be a useful tangible example of what can happen. The trouble seems to be it’s falling on deaf ears 🫡

@cocksstrideintheevening
Thank you so much Xx

DP works a shift in a new job he is living with us in my parents house, quiet and while he stands with me about everything I’ve brought up. He’s rarely around to hear the arguments. He also doesn’t want to rock the boat too much because we’ve no where to go if they kick us out.

We’re in Ireland xx

Where is your partner is all of this?
He should have your back!

I'd be looking for rentals by the weekend IMHO

@ArabellaScott

Thank you so much 🤗 can I ask you arabella xx when did you allow kisses and lax on hand washing around baby? Xx I was worried because he was petting the dog and then stroking her face..

FTM after two MCs I’m probably overly cautious in some respects! 🫶🏻🙏🏻