Anyone else regret being a stay at home parent? I feel awful

[Icantdothisss]

Ds is only 1! But I honestly wish I was back at work. I feel like a terrible mum. I do enjoy some days with him, but it’s mostly when they are fully packed and meeting other people and it all goes to plan. But it’s genuinely impossible to do this every day! Firstly, not always is another mum free, and it’s way more expensive than I thought it would be. Even entries into little farms etc all adds up. I end up buying a coffee I barely drink as I’m just so stressed out from actually getting us both out to the venue.

Like I say I don’t feel like this everyday but I don’t ever feel I really ‘miss’ ds… it’s full on from the word go and I honestly sometimes go to sleep thinking how nice it would be to quietly log on to my laptop and join a team meeting with a hot tea in peace! I know the grass isn’t always greener but I do regret staying at home. Do you think I would regret it if I went back to work? My company have said I could go back four days a week but that’s the only hours they have, no more or no less.

Urgh I feel so conflicted!

Work out a short, medium and long term plan.
With a long term plan in place you can start to enjoy this time a bit more. Work out or ask for ways to make the short & medium term plan better.
I missed the routine of life, so basically treated home as if I was running a nursery, had a bit of a time table. Meal/ play, snack, physical thing (swimming is great for exhausting then) meal/ story/ nap, messy thing( could be a bath/kitchen sink with loads of toys)
I can't emphasis enough that at this point you should be doing stuff that you would enjoy without kids and then work out a way find something you can drag the child along to.
Big scream screenings at the cinema - my baby adored the sheep in Brokeback Mountain and the sex scenes have never been mentioned.

And if you find a great job, you'll be in a more confident place to go for it if your enjoying the next few weeks/months.

I don't understand those post about going back to work , I really don't . I gave up my work to be at home with my children and wouldn't change it for the world. They grow so fast and become independent.
I can't understand how some people don't want to spend time with their own children and would rather go to work .

I’m no different from DH - we enjoy being parents but also want to progress our careers. Best of both worlds.

While I don't recognise others experiences of being a SAHP, as I was never lonely or lost myself and all the other things people say, as my work never defined who I was. I loved being a SAHP, I treasure those memories and I did all the things I used to do and knew it was right for our DS and our family, but I do understand we are not all the same.

OP if being a SAHP is not making you happy, go back to work. If they are offering 4 days then take it. You should never do anything because you feel it's expected of you (if you don't have to). A happy parent is normally a better parent and that comes in all different configurations. Being miserable at home is not best for anyone.

I chose the SAHM option for several years, but I was also doing distance learning courses to use when I eventually went back to work, so I had non-baby things to use my brain for. Is there something like that you could do?

Looking back, those years were on the whole the happiest I’ve ever been in terms of stress levels and satisfaction and I’d never regret them. I was super fortunate to live in a town with loads of cheap/free activities like church hall toddler groups, library singing sessions etc. Luckily I made a few mum friends too and we met at each others houses, or in the park/woods if the weather was ok - it was definitely possible to go out every day without spending more than a pound or two - maybe treat yourself to a nice insulated coffee cup so you don’t feel like buying them out?

Life is short OP, if you hate being a SAHP then don't be one! Your child does not benefit from having an unhappy parent. My son is five months old and I plan on being a SAHP during the early years. My DH and I felt it was best for our circumstances for one of us to stay at home. However, if I end up hating it then my DH is happy to take some time out from work instead. There is no right or wrong way to do things OP, everyone is different.

It Is one thing not wanting it for yourself. But not being able to ‘understand’ it suggests a lack of imagination or something else.

YANBU
I work 3 days a week 7.30am-8pm.
Returned to work when DS was 11 months old (mat leave + annual leave)
I was honestly about to lose my sanity being at home full-time! Ignore the guilt tripping you get from other moms/family members and do what’s right for you and your family. I worked hard for my career. Uni as a single mom with 2 DD’s after divorce, DS was born after career established. I enjoy being a mom, school runs, days out and I enjoy working so feel I have the best of both worlds.
Hope you find the best solution for you OP X

When I had my first baby I had 12 months off with him and then went back 3 days a week. I couldn’t wait to go back, he was hard work as a baby and I missed my job and colleagues. I had my second baby when he was 2 and again went back 3 days a week. This time, I found going back more stressful. My life was more full at home with 2 children and frankly, the second baby is easier. When she had just turned 3 I had the opportunity to leave work and be a SAHM which I have now done for 14 months. She’s just started school and I’m about to go back to work 2 days a week. I have no regrets taking that time out with her, I have loved playgroups, coffee dates etc. but I would not have felt like that with my first born because the transition from 0-1 kids is so hard (well it was for me)

i have felt very judged at times for my decision to not work for the last year but it was the right thing for me, my kids and my husband. Absolutely do what feels right for you. If you choose to have another baby you might want to do the SAHM thing then. If you don’t, fine. Happiness is different for every family

I don't think being a SAHP is the same as it use to be.

There's not as many groups. Especially since sure start centres closed and so many families have 2 working parents.

That also means you tend to have the support the first 6 months from those who have children your child's age and then people start to return to work.

If you'd rather be working can you look at a compromise? Go back PT? Both you and Dah work PT and share the SAHP?

But ultimately if you want to return FT and financially can afford it Vs childcare costs then you also have to do what makes you happy.

There was a window between the 50s and the 90s where there were more SAHMs but in reality its not been the long term norm for working age women to be solely caring for kids. What was more common in the past was - babies left with older women (who'd often have had plenty of adult company with other grandmothers etc doing the same) toddlers and young children left to be minded by older siblings. Children from age 4 or so onwards might have been taken around while parents worked and expected to assist with farming chores, learning the basics of parents trades etc. Parenting were far less focussed on the child! Toddlers got put in slings etc and just carried around while parents got on with life.

Modern day sahp is an isolation and intensity that was less common in the past.

With my first I was quite keen to get back to work, I loved DD but the day would really drag sometimes and I missed having grown up time. It's also kind of nice to have a break from being a responsible parent, not that you stop at work but with someone else looking after the baby you can not worry quite so much. Before I had her I thought if I'd had the money I'd have liked to be a stay at home mum, but maternity leave was enough for me to realise that it wouldn't be right for me. Currently on maternity with my 2nd and this time I'm enjoying my time more, but I still financially need to return to work

I worked 4 days from returning to work after 9 months maternity leave and it was great. DD and I used to have a lovely day together in the middle of the week. Because it was just one day I could afford to spend the money doing whatever we wanted and because it was just one day I had the energy and inclination to make it a lovely day even if she was being an arse. I miss it now she’s at school! It was our day just for us and I never felt I missed her either, because there was every morning, every afternoon/evening and every weekend to spend time together too.

Here, have that medal.

Neither option is set in stone. Sounds to me like you crave adult conversation.

I can't understand how some people don't want to spend time with their own children and would rather go to work

Who said they don’t want to spend time with their kids? Working parents are also parents.

For me I could have never stayed at home, loved all my kids but I was never just mama but Zanatdy too. I was a mum at 16 too, so I always had to find a way to weave myself in there sometimes. Youngest is 15 now, eldest 30 next week, close to them all.

What about you children's dad? Could you 'not understand' him then?

Go back of you feel like this. Your little one will flourish in nursery and you will have the break you need, leaving the time you have together special. If it doesn’t work out you can give it up, or find a job with less hours. I am lucky and work 3 long days a week and my children went to nursery these days. It was the best thing for them, 4 days at home with mommy and 3 days with their friends doing lots of fun things. I didn’t want to go back, but I’m so glad I did

But she's not enjoying it. As many people don't