Anyone else regret being a stay at home parent? I feel awful

[Icantdothisss]

Ds is only 1! But I honestly wish I was back at work. I feel like a terrible mum. I do enjoy some days with him, but it’s mostly when they are fully packed and meeting other people and it all goes to plan. But it’s genuinely impossible to do this every day! Firstly, not always is another mum free, and it’s way more expensive than I thought it would be. Even entries into little farms etc all adds up. I end up buying a coffee I barely drink as I’m just so stressed out from actually getting us both out to the venue.

Like I say I don’t feel like this everyday but I don’t ever feel I really ‘miss’ ds… it’s full on from the word go and I honestly sometimes go to sleep thinking how nice it would be to quietly log on to my laptop and join a team meeting with a hot tea in peace! I know the grass isn’t always greener but I do regret staying at home. Do you think I would regret it if I went back to work? My company have said I could go back four days a week but that’s the only hours they have, no more or no less.

Urgh I feel so conflicted!

I went back to work when my first was 6 months old and I was soooo relieved! Even for months after I went back, 8:30 am when I came back from the nursery dropoff to enjoy my hot cup of coffee and read the news in silence would be my favourite time of the day!

My second is almost 5 months old now and I feel completely differently, I will take a bit longer off and I'm really enjoying being home with the baby.

You should go back, it's completely fine to need something else and your toddler will benefit from nursery too.

I felt like this with my first. I went back 3 days. It was (and is) absolutely perfect. My experience of mat leave with my second was very different and I could gladly stay at home now.

The problem I find is that the things that make it pleasurable cost money, like you’ve identified and that in order to enjoy the time with the kids you need to work to fund it!

I also joined a gym with a crèche and use it for an hour on my non-working days. Game changer! Wish I’d known about it when I was suffering with PND and feeling utterly overwhelmed.

I went back to work for 3 days a week after Mat leave I couldn’t have been a SAHM. I’m not in full time and I really miss our days off together but we’re all thriving and in a good routine and i wfh so see him more in that sense as I’m home when he is after childcare etc

Modern day Society isn’t set up from SAHMs in the traditional sense.

It’s not natural to child rear solo with no other adults to assist and keep eachother company.

Most societies that have SAHMs also have multi generational living and/or peers mostly on the same boat. So mums, sisters, grandmothers, aunties, cousins and friends all together child rearing and supporting eachother to balance babies, kids and chores with company and support. A completely different experience to a mum on her own 10 hours a day doing it all with only an hour or two adult company via a toddler group a couple times a week.

Also parental expectations have changed. You can’t just open your doors and have the kids go out all day to play whilst you crack on with housework and having neighbours pop in for a cuppa.

I work 3 days a week and it’s a good balance for me. I do one day meet up with mum friends and toddler groups. The other day housework and shopping.

I clearly remember returning back to the office after having my DD...sitting on a chair, working on my big screen...and suddenly it was 11 am and time for a coffee...and they paid me!..bliss....

I went back full time when DT’s were six months old (normal maternity leave then). I would have hated being a SAHM and I also wanted my career. Thankfully an excellent nursery (no family in the uk) and a supportive DH, it worked out for our family. No regrets.

Go back! He'll enjoy nursery and you'll recharge yourself

Yes maybe work routine be better. I enjoyed being home but I agree isolating some weeks then friends not around. So work good in that regard.

Go back full time. Set up a good pension. Make things equal with your partner at home. Have a career to continue when your kids have left home. And as a bonus you are not contributing to the gender pay gap.

in life we try stuff out to find out what’s for us. This isn’t for you. And that’s ok. Go back to work. If you want to work fewer days, get a different job

Go back if you want to. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone, I would be beyond terrible at it.

I was a sahm and found it was always different from month to month as baby develops.
One period was a bloody nightmare, i think twos at some point.
Strategies I learned, structure to everyday, timed. Always outside for a walk, always a play, usually a nice long bath. Usually play ground in summer or soft play in winter intersperse with toddler groups and other activities.

Looking after small children full time is hard work and gruelling.

I can completely see how this could be but depending on your job and partner it doesn’t have to be. I work PT so do more housework because I’m at home more but I don’t feel I do an unfair share. We both do it evenings, weekends etc. I can largely leave my job at work though (I do work evenings after bedtime sometimes but then so does DH even though he’s very much in the office full time).

Hence me saying it’s dependent on having a decent partner and ‘many jobs’ (not all). I also feel it’s up to employers to ensure a part time workload is truly part time - so many of them just don’t. It’s also up to part time employees to simply refuse to overwork on that basis.

I went back part time at 9 months. My daughter is now 3. I'm a teacher so have her during the holidays. There's no way I could be a SATP. I find it challenging being with her fulll time for a couple of weeks- and she's an 'easy' child. Work gave me the chance to use my brain and part of my identity again, and have non- baby conversations. I can't imagine not having that.

Another big advantage of working full time is that no one is at home to mess it up and less washing up/loading dishwasher etc.

Just go back to work and giv e it 6 months or more to try
More £* for your pension later
4 day job is great
Childcare comes out of joint income

Do not feel bad.
I'm a SAHM and love it, other friends were SAHM and hated it.
Some mums I know returned to work after a decade and one 2 days after she gave birth.

You do whatever suits you and your family. You say you feel like a terrible mum but you're not. You're a wonderful mum and your DS is so lucky to have you.

Haven’t RTFT.

There is no right answer to this one. What is your situation, eg do you have a partner? What would childcare options be and how much £ of your/your joint salary would they come to?

What I would say though is it will get easier from here. You’ve done the really hard bit. But equally it’s not worth feeling awful every day, and you will probably really enjoy your day with your toddler if you go back to work.

Look for a new job that will let you work less hours

You won't regret it , but these years are so special and beautiful and I think when you'll be old , you ll regret it not enjoying it more . My opinion if you afford stay home and enjoy your baby 💕

Only if it makes you happy!

I can't understand why people feel they don't "use their brain" unless they are in an office with someone telling them what to do, or why they need some kind of title to feel they have an identity, but apparently it's common.

There's no benefit of being a SAHM if it makes you miserable. I love it, I felt my time was wasted when I went back to work, but it's not for everybody.

Go back. If you're not enjoying it then don't do it!

I liked being a SAHM for DS but I totally hear what you're saying! And I had 2 days a week daycare so I could have some freedom to (e.g) get a haircut.

And if he goes to a good nursery then you have the comfort of knowing that trained professionals are looking after his development and wellbeing.

I love every moment of being a mum at home. I’ve not missed a moment in my child’s life. I set my own schedule and I’ve now got time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. I think the only downside in this modern era is that with so many other mothers working, it is harder to set times to meet and socialise on weekdays.

Work is not an only option for SAHM. You could do online courses, educate yourself through audiobooks and podcasts, develop a hobby. You can be with your child while doing something that interests you. And it's only few short years anyway, you don't have to stay at home all your life.