Anyone else regret being a stay at home parent? I feel awful

[Icantdothisss]

Ds is only 1! But I honestly wish I was back at work. I feel like a terrible mum. I do enjoy some days with him, but it’s mostly when they are fully packed and meeting other people and it all goes to plan. But it’s genuinely impossible to do this every day! Firstly, not always is another mum free, and it’s way more expensive than I thought it would be. Even entries into little farms etc all adds up. I end up buying a coffee I barely drink as I’m just so stressed out from actually getting us both out to the venue.

Like I say I don’t feel like this everyday but I don’t ever feel I really ‘miss’ ds… it’s full on from the word go and I honestly sometimes go to sleep thinking how nice it would be to quietly log on to my laptop and join a team meeting with a hot tea in peace! I know the grass isn’t always greener but I do regret staying at home. Do you think I would regret it if I went back to work? My company have said I could go back four days a week but that’s the only hours they have, no more or no less.

Urgh I feel so conflicted!

It's horses for courses.

I was a SAHM for 5 years and loved every second of it - I would do it all again if I could. I felt very committed to the idea that my children needed me in their early years and was highly motivated to make it work. And it proved to be a time of great joy.

But that is me. It is just who I am - that is not a value judgement at all on those who do not feel the same; and I was privileged to be able to do this financially - although the overdraft looked a bit sick at times.

You must do what feels right for you; just as I did what felt right for me.

I found the best way was just to keep the children with me as I got on with daily stuff - everything got done a bit slower, but was not a worry. Sorting laundry, putting it in the machine, chucking it about - all great fun. Watching my DDs bringing up the GC, things seem to have moved more towards amusing children a lot - I admit to doing a great deal less of that. They just fitted into the day. It was not organised around them, but around what needed doing. If I was cooking they would be handing me runner beans, or splatting pastry on the working surface - really from very small.

I am not being critical of the way DDs go about it, but just recognising that keeping children amused is a bit of a challenge when also trying to keep things in the home running. If you can bring the two together, it does make it easier.

My career was not at all adversely affected by the choices I made. I went back part time initially and was able to pick up where I had left off.

I wish you lots of luck with whatever choice you make.

I'm a SAHP. my kids are 3 and 4. I would love to go back to work. I wish I dis it years ago but the close age gap and the cost of child care made it impossible. I think you should trial the 4 days P/W. I think it will give you a nice work life balance. What's the worse that could happen? I'd you hate it quit or look for something more P/T.

Do you have a local area or mums Facebook group? If so search on there for cheap things to do. The trips you describe do build up and are something we would do once every so often, not every week and certainly not multiple days a week. If there is somewhere you particularly like look at an annual pass and absolutely rip the arse out of it. We have a local theme park with a couple of play parks and a big soft play. We have an annual pass and go very reguarly, even just for a couple of hours to use the soft play. I worked out our annual pass costs us £1.50 a week and I no longer have to pay for soft play unless we are having an outing with friends. Many of my friends also have annual passes for the same place so bingo "free" day out. We will go to the theme park parks just to mix the parks up a bit ( they are also less muddy). There is a huge sandpit for the summer and adds a mix in.

Try attending church or children's centre playgroups/ library/ museum as they are low cost and usually have something on. This will fill a couple of hours and are usually in the morning- especially if you walk to the location. You will also meet more mums expanding your network of who is free to do stuff. Make the most of parks, buy a puddle suit so it doesnt matter if it is wet. We go out for a walk every day regardless of weather. Scope your local area for places that are less muddy for those really wet days. At lunch - sit at the table and you eat too. Then nap, at one you should be getting some nap times still. Always have a hot drink and a sit down during nap time.

Once you have playgroups or free activities in the mix you will find the days easier to fill.

Try and get some independent play in and let them tag along when doing jobs. If you have any family nearby ask them to look after dc for a couple or hours or visit them.

SAHP is not easy.

If you are still struggling see if you can go back to work. You could always find something else 2 or 3 days a week if 4 doesn't work for you.

I think I’d have struggled to be a SAHM when my kids were that young, it’s a very challenging age.

If your previous job can’t offer hours which work for you, could you start looking elsewhere and seeing if there is anything better?

I have not regrets. However, obviously It is not one everybody. Go back to work asap. 1 year should not have affected your career and prospects much. 4 days is probably better than nothing. If you regret it just back as a SAHM. Also, the first year is very tough. I remembered mainly doing one activity like Gymboree but going for very long walks to the park with the baby in the pram. I also was in a health club with a crèche so I could leave the baby for a couple of hrs to go to the SPA or exercise. May be that helped but I dod enjoy it.

I totally get why people don't want to work full time, but the problem with working part time is that you end up being the default person for most of the house and child related work, and also, with a lot of job, they are very hard to actually do part time, and you end up doing essentially a full week's work in those reduced hours. Hence you end up more exhausted than if you worked full time – at least going full time forces (if you have a decent partner) both parents to take up 50/50 of the slack, and the extra money allows you to outsource cleaning etc.

I'm in week 5 of my return to work with a 14 month old. I have a responsible job that have allowed me to drop down to 4 days from 5 (I actually asked for 3 days) so I deliberated for ages whether to give it a go or resign and be a sahm for the time being, because 4 days still leaves me with a lot of responsibilities whereas 3 they'd have had to make significant changes to my role. My personal experience- the transition to being a 2 working parent household is tough to get used to and we're not through it yet, the one day I have with my son is more focussed on quality time together - on a day out/ playing together at home etc, after the initial settle in DS seems to be thriving at nursery - loves it and is clearly impacting his physical development, skills he's picking up, improving eating habits etc. I thought I might be biting off more than I can chew going back to work however having some adult conversation and having a break from being a hands on parent is doing me good. I adore my DS but it is hard work and he needs constant entertainment.
Based on my own experience I'd say try it as you can resign if it isn't working for you. The only caveat is getting good childcare that you're happy with and is going to advantage your child.

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. It doesn’t make you better or worse. Your good days sound like my idea of hell as I couldn’t stand going out with other mums and babies every day. I’m an introvert which I think is very helpful as a SAHM of babies. When my kids were u/2 we mostly just hung out at home, went to the park, for walks and once a week or so met up with other mums/babies. I honestly was perfectly happy just being with my kids. We only started doing ‘activities’ when they were old enough to get something out of it. I socialised with friends in the evenings while DH was at home with the kids.

If you’re someone who needs to be socially busy and interacting with people all the time then being a SAHM is probably not for you. Go back to work and see how it goes. You can always stop working again if you don’t find it makes you happier. I do know a few people who went back to work because they found babies boring but now looking back they regret missing the toddler years when they’re a lot more interactive. But I know others who couldn’t wait to go back FT and get all their personal satisfaction from their job. We are all different.

You’re allowed to not enjoy it, it doesn’t make you a bad mother. I gave it a try and it wasn’t for
me. I went back to work and was much happier, and I suspect a better mother for it.

With my kids I found that age pretty boring tbh, and every time you leave the house it feels like a logistical nightmare.

I’ve worked 4 days and liked it, you could get a proper job done but the extra day off was nice. As the DC got older we could do more interesting things on that day. I’m full time now as the DC are older and that’s good too.

If you aren’t happy I would look to make a change. You can always change back again in the future, nothing stays the same for very long.

There nothing to lose from at least trying to go back. If you don't like it leave.

I was a SAHM on and off for 15 years. 4 dcs.

I wish I had been consistent and worked throughout.

I really really regret it. I didn't get bored or anything as I was really busy and had good fun.

For some reason though my confidence just evaporated when I became a parent. I simply believed I could not cope in the working world despite having worked well in a fast paced design agency.

Go back to work. Secure your income. Secure your career.

It's not for everyone. But I think this is the hardest bit. Once they're properly talking it's easier and more fun.

But do what's best for you! He'll be fine.

You know you aren’t obliged to be a SAHM right?

You have a choice (thanks feminism).

What did you do before having your child? Can you look into some nursery places and make some job applications? Always worth checking in with your previous workplace to see if they’ll have you back.

Good luck!

Go back, I didn't really enjoy being SAHM mum and went back a month earlier on first mat leave than I originally planned and it was the right call. DD was 8 months old and loved nursery straight away, I liked just not being mum for a bit! You're not a bad mum got not enjoying SAHM life, and no ones a better mum by enduring a situation that's not working for her because she feels guilty.

Second time around extended mat leave happened as I was made redundant, but it was much easier then as I'd learned to drive in the interim.

Nobody is obliged to be one but the narrative of society is that we'd all be one if society hadn't set housing costs up to need 2 average incomes, and that all us mums are being reluctantly separated from our babies at 8am on a Monday!

I loved going back to work. When both of mine started nursery, the nursery staff were always like, don't worry, they'll be fine, you can ring us anytime if you're worried or want an update or miss them, but I was skipping out the door and back to normal life! I went back part-time initially with both of them so they still had more or just about as much time home with me/dh as they did at nursery, so still plenty of time to do all those days out. But I was refreshed again when I did them and they were novel and enjoyable as opposed to being my forced everyday. They are early and late primary school age now and I've never had any regrets about working. It's been wonderful for my mental health.

Have you tried local free/cheap toddler activities? Church playgroups are ideal. They cost a pound or two, last a couple of hours, you get a cup of tea while your child plays. No need to arrange things with other mums, just chat to whoever is there and over time you get to know local people.

Then go home for lunch and nap time and that's half the day done. In the afternoon go out to the park or a local walk or watch some TV or play duplo together, or invite a friend over, or do household jobs.

I work 2-3 days and that's ideal. I love spending time with my little ones but I also like that adult contact and mental stimulation that work involves. I appreciate I'm lucky to have the option as many decent jobs are 4 days or 5 days only.

If you do decide to go back to work don't feel guilty - your child will be fine in nursery and ultimately you need to do what keeps you sane and happy, it's no good if you are resentful and bored.

Go back!

I didn’t after a few kids and tbh I’m regretting it now. It’s much harder as time passes. 4 days a week is good and you can maybe find a more part time role somewhere else in time?

I do feel a pang when I drop the children off..but have to admit it's actually much easier, less stressful and less tiring to go to work than to look after 2 pre-schoolers and keep a house clean and tidy all day!

To be honest if staying home was the preferable option men would have been doing it all along

yeah id go back tbh - i hated the last few months of maternity leave and was happy to be back in work

i have my 1 day in the week with my daughter now and we always do a big outing together that day and i really enjoy it because it's only once a week - we go swimming, or a farm, or soft play, zoo trips, museums and go for lunch -it proper quality time together

then i work the rest of the week and we have the weekends

i am way happier like this

Yes I regretted it. I took 12 months maternity leave with each child and then went back part time and then full time when they were a bit older.

Now they are in high school and university , I’m getting divorced and my finances are a mess because I lost promotion chances and my pension is much smaller than my STBXH. In theory I’m entitled to half of his but he’s moved it overseas so I can’t find it.

also he’s arguing in the divorce that he didn’t agree to me taking maternity leave or going PT and that he’s been “ economically disadvantaged “ by my decisions. Even though it’s his career and pension that benefitted.

So yes I regret it very much. I will now have to work full time until I’m 67 to support myself to retirement age and help my children through university, as their father won’t pay child maintenance.

You have nothing to lose by going back to work, but the potential to gain extra pension contributions, extra money for the family purse and most importantly, some independence and adult conversation.

I'm not cut out for SAHP role. Had 13months off mat leave with DC1 and tbh I was climbing the walls most days. Love him to bits but I just find very small children pretty dull company! DC2 I had only 6m mat leave and that felt lovely. I worked PT 4 days per week following both mat leaves. Youngest is now 2.5yo and I'm FT again and it feels good!

I'm thinking along the same lines as @Mischance
When they are tiny, do what you want to do, just bring them along.
Art gallery,
walk taking in things you like - industrial heritage, cemeteries, formal gardens, yellow book gardens up to you.
Don't go to stuff that you wouldn't do childless.

Everything else, they get to watch you do stuff while they have controlled access - painting, they get a brush and some water and paint the fence or the bath
Washing up - you clean the kitchen, they wash up plastic in a bowl and dry it and put it away.

Read to them, read your book to them, read their books, read your book whilst they turn pages on their book.

Look out some old threads on here. And it's not easy, if it was men would have muscled in on this generations ago. It's 24/7 with worse feedback than TripAdvisor comments. Well done, your trying to function in a brand new role with sleep deprivation and overtime.

Why wouldn’t you go back?

A year off is a solid maternity leave. And as PP say, if you feel you want 3 days a) your employer might consider that when you are back and b) it’s easier to get another job when you’re in work.

Being a SAHP is not for everyone, and he’ll be well looked after and stimulated by a good childminder.

Go back, just so you can say you did and then quit 🤣

Thats where I am at. Basically realised I don’t like anything that’s hard work