So upset about dp prospects

[Desperatetime]

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

How long was he illegal? Is that why his CV is empty-ish?

WolfFoxHare
The company are struggling and future is uncertain he only kept his job as an agency worker because they regard him as a good worker.

Having now RTFT I'm beginning to think the DP is a cocklodger.
Look OP, I get that you're upset but your DP doesn't sound great.
Giving in to family pressure 'relatives talking shit' why should he care?

I understand if, for example, they all clubbed together and got the money to send him to the UK, digging into all their savings... but that failed! He had been here for years, he'd have been deported if he hadn't met you. He has not achieved anything through his own hard work. He just got lucky and found a meal ticket.

Despite that, he's still turning his nose up at jobs, 'want somewhere he can progress', not wanting something 'tedious' - he doesn't have much to justify such arrogance.

So many 'tedious' jobs have progression routes. Even say call centre, or waitressing, etc.

What percentage of your problems is caused by relatives pressure? What percentage is caused by actual life issues?

With 2 people on NMW 40K for a couple without children and your disability benefit is not bad. I'm not saying he's condemned to a life of low-earning but your immediate mental health issues blah2 are caused by expectations of a third party that should be put to a stop.

And as a PP said... if his relatives are talking shit, then take it from someone who's been there, even if he earned 100K it would NOT be enough. Not just his immediate family, more will crawl out of the woodwork, pretty soon you will be paying for them all to have cars, new household furniture etc etc while you live like paupers in the UK.

There is a culture of comparing and showing off, 'save face' embarrassment etc etc but you will go down a miserable spiral you can never come back from if you continue to give in.

I don't get disability benefit PikachuChickenRice we have around 33k between us so I do think the relatives are the issue I'm also supporting my son through university

I remember you from another post. So- he's got a job! That's excellent. Last time I'm pretty sure he didn't have a job. Now he's going to have something on his CV and potentially some opportunities to move up/do extra work. But you do have to be a bit patient. They've taken on a person with no formal qualifications, no job history, nothing, so you need to then take time to build that up, say a year of working that minimum wage job and then he will be able to look around for other jobs with that work history on his CV and a reference (which he did not have prior to that).

I feel like you are upset/panicking because of the pressure of his family- but actually, you have two min wage jobs coming into one household, I'm a lone parent and you probably have the same household income as me and that's an ok income (not crazy high but fine, I don't think you have children). The issue is that neither you or he have much earning potential beyond that right now, but that could change for either of you in the future.

I think you are wanting too much wanting him to immediately have great job prospects, given the situation. Get him to work regularly for a year, and then see where he can go. You can also see whether supervisor positions might come up in either of your jobs. It will be a bit horrid for the first bit but that's coming with the territory of not having quals/experience/written English or a driving license! He's actually done well to get a job and that shouldn't be dismissed in your stress about his family.

Ok, so you know what the issue is - you need to solve it. 33K is a good wage, university for your son is temporary.
So you must tell him to get the relatives to piss off. So WHAT if they think he's wasting his time/hasn't achieved enough in the UK?
Maybe he has hasn't, given that he needed to met you but he came here illegally in the first place. What did they expect to happen? Often people who do so already have connections and community here, it's possible he fell out with whoever was supposed to help him and then was left in the lurch. There may be a bigger issue there.

Either way, focus on solving that issue so you have headspace for the next move.

Also @Desperatetime people from my country, for example come here to work as cooks, in people's small business, labourers for example. They don't just appear and do no work.
What was he doing before he met you? You say he was a shoemaker, left school at 14 but nothing about what he's actually been doing all these years.

Honestly, I would set up your own business. Is he any good at cleaning? There's tons of work doing that in my area, and really good cleaners who do an excellent job cannot be had for love nor money. It IS a skill though - so many people don't realise that - and if he isn't any good at it, this won't work.

Even if the sum is lower, you are both paying lower tax though because you are under the tax threshold for the first £12,000 odd, so you are doing better than a lone parent on £33k. You are only paying tax on 9k of that if I've calculated that correctly.

And for university your son will get more loan if you are not earning that much, so your son will have to get a job rather than depend fully on you or the loan.

Times are tough all round and if your partner is insistent on sending money home out of a lowish income, then you will be poorer! I don't think there's a magic solution for him to suddenly get a better job, in the same way as you don't feel you could suddenly get a better job- if you both work towards it over time, and sit tight where you are, then opportunities will appear, but not this second.

I get that this is not easy but.
YOU are the reason he has his visa.
YOU are his lady and he claims to love you. So he should want to please you.
If this thing is making you super stressed and he is choosing his family over you. I am sorry but he doesn't really love you and you are being used, despite all the sweet sweet words he tells you.

Missing the point, but curious how and where you met OP and how long you have been together? My now husband also came from abroad.

We have been together for 8 years and we met online dp was living in a shared house

They just seem to only see things from thier side and don't even bother to try and understand his situation they are only concerned with what they need.

PikachuChickenRice
He gives me full access to his wages and leaves me to do what I can but all of the time he is coming off the phone with relatives having asked for help he doesn't force me or guilt trip me into sending money but we both end up feeling guilty if its not sent and his siblings keep reminding of the deceased fathers request for him to look after his siblings as he's the eldest.

As he was a shoemaker, could he switch trades and learn how to repair them? It seems to me there's a real shortage of cobblers and we're all trying to reuse and mend these days. Obviously it would need some outlay in the form of tools and equipment, but maybe it might be possible to pick them up on Ebay? It's the kind of job that there should always be a need for. Sitting down, no heavy lifting. Fairly straightforward to advertise the business on local social media, Nextdoor, Facebook etc.

I spent the best part of a hundred pounds last winter having half a dozen pairs of boots and shoes repaired. And that wasn't Timpsons it was a local high street place half an hour bus ride away.

Are you near a city in the West Midlands? What about overnight shifts in a supermarket warehouse for one of the big supermarkets? If you're with them for more than just a few months they would probably offer discounts in the store which would help with the household budget.

He sounds nice and capable and willing - it's clearly his applications that are letting him down and not reflecting his ability.

Have you tried helping him with them? I think it's time you used your likely feel for how UK job applications work to help him write them and/or complete and forms etc.

(I do the same for a relative who has ASD and often doesn't understand the subtext of questions - I don't write the applications but I sometimes read and help him edit them first.)

Then stop feeling guilty. I was once told that guilt is anger turned inwards. You feel angry at the relatives' unending demands, but you don't feel you can say no, so you turn the anger to guilt and then give them what they want. Stop it. Say no. Don't feel angry, don't feel guilty, just hold the line.

He was also stuck in the agency work trap for many many years - as a PP said no-one is investing you when that's your work situation.

What, are you sending his family your money?

I also think you are better off working on the family issue- I don't mean not pay them as that's not what's going to happen. I think you should discuss between you how much your own budget is and how much you are going to spend on a) his family and b) your son. You should then put that money in a separate account when you are paid, and only pay them out of this account. I think part of the problem is that he is sending money in a sporadic way, in response to appeals and crying and emotions, so that makes the interaction with the family very negative- they basically have to beg to get anything, which is also humiliating for them. They can ask, they can say things about his dad, but ultimately what you have decided (e.g. 5% of your income) is the pot for that and then you re not running up your own debts or having this constant stress of arguing with them about what you can afford/them not believing you don't have the money.

Fix the family problem, both stay in MW jobs for now, build up his experience, CV, reference and also do the driving license if he can, and then in a year or two you will be in a better position to launch off into good things.

Timpsons is a great shout. If he didn't hear back he needs to PERSIST. Honestly it's hard to do this when you don't feel great about yourself but it's essential.

Trainee store manager in Stoke: https://www.careers-page.com/timpson-ltd/job/QY858W95

Locksmith in Coventry/Leicester: https://www.careers-page.com/timpson-ltd/job/QV88RY86

Have a read of those, they both look great and very little experience is expected (none of being a locksmith for example!)

If those don't appeal it also says on the website: "We are always on the lookout for superstars to join our family! Please send your details to [email protected]" so that sounds like a brilliant place to send an email and CV vetted by you.

Have you posted about this before, OP? Sounds familiar. On your last post, I felt he was taking advantage of you, but I also seem to recall he didn't have a job at all.

The sisters' husbands simply said "No". Millionaires from some industries aren't known to be generous.

The brother if he was in difficulties wouldn't have been asked.

OP I know you love this man and he claims to love you, but to be brutally honest a romantic partner should enhance your life and it seems like this man is just dragging you down. Easy for me to say I know, but having been in a similar situation in the past, I left the relationship after realising that just because you love someone doesn't mean they are right for you.