To ask my teenager to earn some cash

[JudesBiggestFan]

My 14 year son is constantly asking for money. For sports, sports equipment, gaming, to go to the shops, generally to see his mates. Some of his friends are doing football reffing at kids matches and I've asked him to do the course so he can do the same. The fuss! He's flat refusing so I've said to him there'll be no more cash for anything other than essentials. My husband and I earn pretty well but we have three children and the expenses are constant. More than anything though, it's a principal...I'd had a paper round for two years by his age and I simply didn't expect constant hand outs from my parents. He's incredibly stubborn and always has been..I've already said if he does a few matches and hates it/gets treated badly then he can stop. But his friends are loving it as well as the financial independence...a lot of them are making 60 pounds in one morning! Am I being unreasonable for pushing it? I know it must feel daunting but we'd be there at every match with him and he's more than capable.

YANBU.

That hasn't been my experience of life. My friends and I all had jobs from 13 onwards, building up obvs from paper rounds to Saturday jobs. Our children are the same. It's about work ethic and realising how hard money is to come by. And focus on why school and college is important, and leads to your ability to look after yourself later on.

I get what you’re saying but i also don’t think there is much of a difference of outcomes in attitude if a kid starts working when they are 14 compared to when they are 16.

There is always the opportunity to do volunteer work earlier than 16 as well, if OP can get her son to do this.

Mine didn’t work until the summer they finished school
All have excellent work ethics
TBF my in laws gave them £100 a month allowance

I think it's important for children to understand the value of money early on.

Both my boys had GoHenry cards as youngsters. They'd get a set amount of pocket money each week and could earn more doing chores. If they wanted to buy something, they saved up. I'll never forget DS1 at Harry Potter Studios, card in hand... "£8 for jelly beans?! That's ridiculous!"

Both had paper rounds from 14 years old. DS2 was appalled at the idea but now he gets up early every day and heads out in all weathers. Earning £35 a week.

Last week he handed me £400 cash and asked me to pay it in! He's just bought himself FIFA and a new pair of football boots.

Just give him pocket money and let him save for things. So if he wants expensive football boots you just put towards them what you would normally spend and he tops up the rest. I agree if he could earn some by being a referee that would be great but if not then he has to learn to live from what he has. Ds at 16 gets £20 a week, but he had also worked for 2 years. We pay for essential clothes, sports stuff etc but if he wants different or better then he saves.

Children don't need to do 'paid work' to have a work ethic. After all, studying is also work! I got my first job at 19 but before that parents set me a budget, explained how it all works etc etc.
Even if OP's son gets a job he might now want to use the money, or blow it all on something else and STILL ask the OP. It's a fundamental lack of understanding regarding money as as finite resource.

I think you are being unreasonable for pushing the ref course as the only way your 14-yr-old can make money but you're not unreasonable to want to encourage him to start earning money to fund life's luxuries e.g. gaming and more expensive sports equipment.

My 14-yr-old's sport isn't football but this year she's been able to train as a junior coach and has earned money from coaching younger children. She's enjoyed the role as much as she's loved being paid for doing something she loves (she's also a volunteer for the sport's disability charity that provides buddies and coaches so people with a huge range of disabilities are supported to access the sport. Earning her own money has given her greater purchasing power and she's chosen to spend some of it on upgrading some of the equipment she needs for the sport but remains happy to have most of the clothing etc sourced secondhand to reduce costs. She's also been able to sell some equipment and the proceeds have gone towards some bigger purchases.

If your DS isn't interested in doing the ref course, perhaps he'd be up for earning money babysitting or feeding pets when their owners are away. I pay for my DCs' essentials, for basics (including travel) related to their hobbies. I also buy basic clothing and may be persuaded to buy one more expensive top instead of two cheaper ones but in general, if the DC want brands or fancy products, they have to pay the difference or add them to birthday/Christmas wish lists. Every now and then DC1 complains that friends have everything funded by their parents but on the whole, they both have a fairly realistic approach to earning money and to saving for things they want.

My elderly parents wanted a newspaper delivered but couldn't find anywhere that still had a delivery service.

I started work at 15, but that was in 1991! I'm sure things are different now, and probably rightly so.

OP, there is more to refereeing than just knowing the rules of football - it takes a degree of confidence and a particular type of focus that isn't for everyone, and it's perfectly possible he knows he just isn't suited to it.

He is only 14. I don't think it's particularly reasonable to ask a literal child to work for things like sports equipment etc. Those are pretty standard things for a teenager to need. It's not his fault his school uniform is expensive, either! That's your problem and not his.

You don't have to shell out £70 for a game; he can wait until Christmas. But the other things you've mentioned aren't actually excessive or unusual for a teenager.

Mumsnet can be so funny. I literally read a thread the other day where people were ripping someone to shreds for not being able to manage on £750 disposable income for a family of four. Within that all sports, clothes, uniforms, social life, entertainment, car expenses, birthday and Christmas presents would have to be included one assumes? Yet I've just listed out £400 in one month for one child (and I forgot £85 towards a school trip to Paris I also paid) and people say it's just standard. I guess it depends on your background but my sister for example has one child aged 13 who does no clubs because my sister can't afford them, has second hand uniform and only gets clothes and games at birthday and Christmas...other than absolute essentials. My niece also earns £13 a month which is her only spending money. My sis is a single mom who works as a TA in a special school and that is all she can manage. When I compare her attitude to my son's I do wonder who will grow up better able to cope with life.

You're missing the nuance here OP.
If you have agreed to fund those things for your son then you fund them. If you don't want to or can't then don't. That's fine.
What's unreasonable is expecting him to work.
You can say as a parent what you'll fund or not, but since you seem to be incapable of saying no to even cheaper options are you really going to say 'no more money for expensive activities'?

Walk before you can run....

Well, you didn't have to spend that much though - you caved in like a sandcastle and paid for expensive brands instead, giving in to his pester-power.

Those were excellent opportunities to puncture his sense of entitlement, but you folded.

I've just listed out £400 in one month for one child (and I forgot £85 towards a school trip to Paris I also paid) and people say it's just standard. I guess it depends on your background but my sister for example has one child aged 13 who does no clubs because my sister can't afford them, has second hand uniform and only gets clothes and games at birthday and Christmas...other than absolute essentials. My niece also earns £13 a month which is her only spending money.

That’s because your sister has said she can’t afford to give her child what they want. It’s easy for her to uphold her boundaries of what she will and won’t spend. So the impetus is there for your niece to earn money. You can create this impetus by giving your teenager some boundaries too, by giving him a budget. If you agree that his sports are beneficial, great, then you agree to fund them as part of the budget. That might mean you can’t afford the expensive kit for both though - would teen choose to do one less sport but have expensive kit; or two sports on a budget. If you don’t want to set limits, it’s no wonder he’s demanding. But you’ve gone zero to sixty on it - you’ve previously been happy to fork out on everything with no limits, now you’re saying he gets nothing if he won’t work for it. That’s not a great approach.

@category12 @NoSquirrels you lot put it better than I have! 'pester-power' hahahaha

@PikachuChickenRice but I think we fundamentally disagree. There's nothing wrong with asking a 14 year old to work. Numerous people on this thread have done so at the same age and have lived to tell the tale. So have many of their children. I came from a humble background and purely because of work ethic am now in a position to make spoiling my children a decision I'm able to make, not something completely out of reach. But some people are saying I'm acting like an idiot for spoiling my son. Others are saying im an idiot for having three kids and I should give my son whatever he asks for as my reproductive choices aren't his fault. Some are calling my sun selfish and entities based on this one post. Some people have been measured and sensible and thank you to those.

Let me try one more time.
It is unreasonable to expect your son to work - because whether to work or not, is his choice. Your choice is to budget how much to give him that's all.

If your problem is that he's getting expensive, and expecting things handed to him on a plate - stop funding him. If he wants it badly enough, he will work. If he doesn't, and wants to stay home instead, that's up to him. Never mind what people did in 1993, it's 2023, 14 is too young to work in the sense that I would expect an 18 year old to if not in FT education, but not a 14 year old!

All those people who worked, and whose kids worked - the latter did it because they wanted money to buy stuff! Think about it logically - you as an adult - would YOU work, if you didn't have to? if the answer is no, then why would you expect a 14 year old to say yes?

You have indeed spoilt your son. Giving him everything he asks for. This seems to have touched a raw nerve as you keep banging on about how people called you an 'idiot' but the fact of the matter is, you have. Many parents although they can afford it don't give their kids everything they ask for. Even millionaires. To teach them the value of money.

It is simple if you want your son to work give him a budget and tell him he needs to earn the extra. If he doesn't want to earn it, and chooses to go without fair enough but if you cannot even force him to choose cheap stuff over expensive stuff why do you think you can force him to work? Hmm?

Btw I won't be forcing my DC to work - but I won't be buying them everything they want either. They can have a budget just like I did and I turned out well working at 19! If i was as materialistic as your son I might have gotten a job but I wasn't so I never needed to.

Your halfway house of 'I'm going to keep buying stuff so he doesn't need to work but I want to him to work because ???' Maybe you don't want your son to go without so you think you can stop paying only when he earns, but then you're not teaching him the lesson you want. He needs to be disappointed. And learn the hard way.

I think clothes, sports kits/ club fees should be paid for - the rest is part of his pocket money budget - no to £70 games but he save his pocket money for it.

I don’t know of any 14 year olds with jobs, both mine started work at 16 my daughter glass collecting in a pub and my son was doing unpaid/ voluntary work which was a massive step for him as someone with no confidence - he worked in an animal shelter for a year and we paid him more pocket money while he did it. For me it was more about him working, and building himself up so if unpaid work did that then so be it. He now has a paid job but still volunteers when he can.

I work with a lot teenagers (aged 16) but you can tell the ones who have worked young for their stuff and ones who just can’t be bothered and get handouts. The ones who have worked for their money really have a lovely attitude. It wouldn’t do your son any harm to work just a few hours on a Saturday. I did when I was 14. It did me no harm and it helped me realise the value of money. If he doesn’t want to referee then don’t make him but find him something else

My daughter had a job on a fruitfarm from 12 onwards. Weekends and just helping out. It gave her incredible work ethic and she loved it. If they don’t ask for much then they don’t need to earn money. But if he constantly asks for it then he has to earn some himself.

I’m genuinely curious about the several posts on this thread who said their kid has been working since 12. I’m reading on the gov.uk website that the minimum age to legally work is 13, unless in specific jobs such as modelling etc.

I've always felt people spend the majority of their lives working... and this generation are likely going to be working well past any type of retirement other generations have had. Childhood is for enjoying, just like retirement is supposed to be. I find it a sad that we would push children to start working younger and adults to keep working older! When do we get to simply be? They already have school and exams to come.

Sounds like you need to learn to cut your cloth and say no, wait for Christmas or birthday for this or that

My son's a ref-and he did earn good money at that age. But the course is hard-and he certainly earned the money. It's not for everyone! Does he have an allowance?

For goodness sake, he's a child. Pay for the child/children you chose to bring into this world. Working at 14 , ridiculous.