To visit in-laws twice a year

[SheDrivesMeCrazy]

DH and I have two DC aged 4 and 1. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. DH's parents live just over 200 miles away and are self-employed. My own parents are retired, live 40 mins away and see me and DC about once a week, usually during the working day but occasionally at a weekend, in which case DH is there too.

We visited PILs at the end of June for the first time in nearly two years (previous time was just before I was pregnant with DD). We stayed at their house as they have two spare rooms and we couldn't afford to stay at a hotel/Airbnb in any case. We were away for 5 days, 4 nights, with the first and last days mostly spent travelling (6.5 hrs each way thanks to DC's endless toilet stops and protracted meals!) It was the longest stay that we could manage with DH's available annual leave. However, MIL was deeply disappointed that we weren't coming for at least a whole week and kept saying that there wouldn't be time to do half the things she had planned. (It did not please her to learn that we'd booked a two week summer holiday, the first since DD's birth. She felt we ought to be using that time to visit them.) She also said repeatedly that we'd better not leave it another two years before we visit again. We have no intention of doing so. We're not planning to have any more DC, and I hope we will all be in a fit state to make the trip from now on.

PILs generally come to see us two or three times a year, for 1 or 2 nights over a weekend. They usually bring SIL too and they all stay in a hotel as we don't have any space to put them up.

DH gets 30 days of annual leave and DS has just started school. Going forward, I could see us visiting PILs twice a year, in school holidays, for maybe 4 or 5 nights at a time. DH thinks this sounds fair, although he would be happy to go for a few nights longer if I were up for it and if he had enough annual leave.

For me, a week is too long to be under PIL's roof and I know DH would feel the same about spending that much time with my parents. However, I realise that I am very fortunate to live so close to my parents and to be able to see them regularly.

AIBU? How often would you make a trip of this distance to see family and how long would you stay for each time?

Can your DH go with kids at weekends/bank Holidays
And you just stay at home
Go little and offen instead of one week

If you both want the children to have a relationship then more effort will be required. This could be increased visits, online zoom calls etc.

I know you didn't ask - but given your comment about accommodation being not an option due to finances. Can you secure a part time role to supplement this? this may make the breaks easier and longer?

6.5 hours for 200miles seems a lot, and the journey is what makes more frequent shorter trips painful.

is there a train route that may be faster? Or could you drive in the evening just stoping once for a ‘supper’ and to put pjs on then transfer to bed on arrival? So you aren’t stopping so often.

I’d probably do 4 times a year for three nights

To facilitate a relationship for your kids - it’s not about you. It’s their grandkids and son they’re interested in (sadly)

It takes a village to raise a child etc

You want the OP to get a part time job to fund Airbnb stays near her in laws? 😂

They had just come out the other end of the incredibly exhausting and intense first year of their baby’s life (whilst also juggling an toddler) and their MIL began issuing threats and demands for more visiting time… they would be lucky to get a phone call from me, let alone a 400 mile round trip with two small children!

Gran probably just wishes she could be more involved but realises the distance makes it impossible. I expect if you went for a week she would wish for 10 days and so on. It is coming from a nice place.

Reassure her you will never leave it two years again and you all missed them too. Get the next visit AL booked (for 4-5 days) so she knows it is happen.

Dh can send more pics and updates of grandchilren. Perhaps little video messages to granparents etc.

Twice a year for 4-5 days is not unreasonable though especially with them also visiting.

@Marblessolveeverything

Absolutely agree about importance of PIL having a good relationship with DC. We have a weekly video chat as a family and I regularly send photos and videos. Not the same as seeing them in person, but we do what we can.

I'm not planning to return to work until DD qualifies for some free childcare. And if I'm being completely honest, I wouldn't consider spending disposable income on accommodation to visit in-laws - more likely would put it towards moving to a bigger house! PIL would also find it hurtful if we chose not to stay at theirs.

Some of these suggestions are just bonkers.

If they come to see you 3-4 times a year then I don't see anything wrong at all of only going up twice a year. You do well to manage 4-5 days too. The most I can do is 2 nights.

My IL's also live 200 miles away from us. They come down for a weekend 2-3 times a year and we go up there for a weekend 2-3 times a year and that's about it. It means we see them every 2-3 months which is enough for me! Yes I want DC to have a good relationship with them but I'm not willing for it to dominate our lives.

@Ellie1015

Thanks for your kind words. I think you've hit the nail on the head about MIL's feelings. She misses her son terribly and hates the fact that she doesn't get to see him often in person. Now with grandchildren in the mix it's even harder living so far away. I do really empathise with her and with DH.

I agree it might help to get some dates in the diary for the next visit, so PILs have something concrete to look forward to beyond our video calls.

DH's mum lived over 300 miles away, we would stay with her once a year for a week, it was always a pleasure and she welcomed us.

Sometimes due to work I couldn't make a week and would meet up with dH, kids and MIL for a few days and fly back on my own.

We would meet as a big family for christmas/easter and big birthdays.

She would come and stay with us for a few nights once a year.

As a family we have some lovely memories of summers spent with MIL and always enjoyed the week. She was the best MIL I could have asked for and I learnt alot from her.

Twice a year is fine for seeing your own parents OR your in laws - it doesn't need to be more often.

@Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday

Yes, exactly - I feel like there's a minimum amount of time we need to go for to offset that journey. A long weekend wouldn't cut it.

For this latest trip, we let the kids wake up naturally in the morning and have breakfast before setting off. We had a service station in mind for our first stop but we didn't make it that far - not even close - before DS needed the loo. On the way back, DD kept filling her nappy, didn't have her usual nap that we were banking on, and was screaming off and on for most of the journey. It was a bit of a nightmare!

I'm hoping that as the kids get older, have better bladder/bowel control and take less time to eat, we won't need to stop as often or for as long! We might also try travelling of an evening, as you suggest. I wanted to try to keep their routine (particularly DD's) as normal as possible this time round, not that it really paid off. Children are nothing if not unpredictable!

Re. your idea of getting the train, I actually suggested this to DH after this latest experience of driving. We used to go up by train when we were younger and didn't have a car and I have fond memories of sharing some wine on the way up and it being quite fun 😉 He reminded me how relatively convoluted the route is, and of the fact that the nearest station is a drive away from his house so that we always needed to be collected in PIL's car (which would now not work due to needing car seats for DC).

In the future could you do a shared holiday mid way once a year?
A cottage outside of school holidays may not cost that much and ILs may be willing to pay for it instead of hotel costs.

We're in a similar position in that DH's family live in a different UK country to us. I said a while ago that 5 days was my limit (as it would be with my family too!) So if possible, he'll go over a couple of days early before we then join him. Now DC is getting a little older (toddler) they're planning their first trip without me for later in the year.

I think for you, especially with DC1, surely either having just started or soon starting school, twice a year for five nights is plenty. It's much easier for two adults to make a quick trip than it is to transport two young children up or down the country.

Can you suggest a trip away somewhere together? We do this as families, caravans usually. All have separate accommodation but get to have a shared experience and a holiday. It's great and everyone is happy

Travelling on a BH is no fun though. Takes far longer.

I suggested the income increase as the OP highlighted staying longer was an issue. Sometimes you can be fine with people longer if you have a bolt hole - it is hardly revolutionary thinking.

I think you need to go up more often for less time. You are also demonstrating to your dc what a caring family relationship looks like. Put yourself in your mil position in about 20 years. How would you feel? This is the standard you are setting.

Car journeys are hideous with young ones- if it were me it would be less focussed on fussing around dc and more on getting there. If that means leaving earlier and less tolerance of long meal times then so be it. At the end you get to hand them over to the doting grandparents (or bed on the home journey…)

Its a tricky balance, I totally get where MIL is coming from, theyre a long way away, they have to pay for airbnbs if they come to visit you (is that why they only come for 1 or 2 nights?) and with your DC both being so young its a golden time to miss out on. Does FIL feel the same way? But yep its also a lot to expect really long visits from you too. Maybe having more regular shorter trips is better? My mum is about 20 miles away and we only see her every month or two for the day, its totally normal and healthy to not spend tons of time with your parents!!

I guess you just need to make the most of what time you are prepared to take. I expect you do this anyway but if you think about planning your trips or PILs visits around events like xmas, easter hols or DCs bdays (or as near to their bdays as you can) that might make your time together extra special. Me and DH alternate spending these times with each of our parents every year so you could maybe do xmas and DS bday at your PILs one year then do DD bday and easter for the next one

It sounds like you empathize with and get on with your PIL overall which is really good. If Im honest I dont find mine that easy but even so I dont want DD to grow up not knowing any of her grandparents. My PIL are about an hour and half away and DH will sometime go for a long weekend with our DD without me so that could be a good way to give your PILs extra time with their grandkids. How would your DH feel about making some extra visits with your DC without you? Or could you even drop DC off with the PIL and plan a minibreak for you and DH while they spend quality time with the little ones. Maybe even plan one for half term if its affordable and not too short notice for them?

I agrée holidays half way might be better as then the journey won't be so long for you? I definitely sympathise. I recall a very long journey back from Scotland with 18 month DS (we'd gone for a wedding) screaming the last hour and a half but we were stuck in traffic and couldn't get him out of the car seat.

My in laws live 250 miles away and we see them a more than this. Probably 4 times a year? And they visit us a similar amount. There is a good direct train which avoids the day driving though. We would never stay for a week, probably 3/4 days at a time. Sometimes they visit us for a day or an overnight but again, on the train. I wouldn't want to be doing it that often if it involved a long cad journey every time.

And PIL pick us up from the station which is about half an hour away so we can get a direct train and have car seats!

We used to get the kids ready for bed then put them in the car and drive for longer journeys. Or go at 4.30am and they’d sleep until 7ish. Made it more bearable! Not unreasonable to go twice a year and presumably there’s nothing stopping them coming more often?