To visit in-laws twice a year

[SheDrivesMeCrazy]

DH and I have two DC aged 4 and 1. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. DH's parents live just over 200 miles away and are self-employed. My own parents are retired, live 40 mins away and see me and DC about once a week, usually during the working day but occasionally at a weekend, in which case DH is there too.

We visited PILs at the end of June for the first time in nearly two years (previous time was just before I was pregnant with DD). We stayed at their house as they have two spare rooms and we couldn't afford to stay at a hotel/Airbnb in any case. We were away for 5 days, 4 nights, with the first and last days mostly spent travelling (6.5 hrs each way thanks to DC's endless toilet stops and protracted meals!) It was the longest stay that we could manage with DH's available annual leave. However, MIL was deeply disappointed that we weren't coming for at least a whole week and kept saying that there wouldn't be time to do half the things she had planned. (It did not please her to learn that we'd booked a two week summer holiday, the first since DD's birth. She felt we ought to be using that time to visit them.) She also said repeatedly that we'd better not leave it another two years before we visit again. We have no intention of doing so. We're not planning to have any more DC, and I hope we will all be in a fit state to make the trip from now on.

PILs generally come to see us two or three times a year, for 1 or 2 nights over a weekend. They usually bring SIL too and they all stay in a hotel as we don't have any space to put them up.

DH gets 30 days of annual leave and DS has just started school. Going forward, I could see us visiting PILs twice a year, in school holidays, for maybe 4 or 5 nights at a time. DH thinks this sounds fair, although he would be happy to go for a few nights longer if I were up for it and if he had enough annual leave.

For me, a week is too long to be under PIL's roof and I know DH would feel the same about spending that much time with my parents. However, I realise that I am very fortunate to live so close to my parents and to be able to see them regularly.

AIBU? How often would you make a trip of this distance to see family and how long would you stay for each time?

I feel sorry for MIL who misses her son & wants to get to know grandchildren.

Why don't you set off at bedtime - 7pm. I think you would arrive around 10.30. Put children straight to bed. The journey sounds like a complete faff with a full meal at lunch.

You sound quite unsympathetic tbh. & unwilling to compromise.

Another one that set off at about 7pm. Stopping for proper meals is madness. Feed them and yourselves before you set off. Drinks and snacks available in the car.

I don't think we had perfect children, but I don't remember those journeys ever being an issue. Yes you have fifty miles more than we did, but you'd also being going less often than we did.

I feel a bit sorry for your partner too. You say he's being realistic about visits but would like to go for longer if possible. To me it sounds though he's trying to take your negative feelings about visits into account and maybe feels he has to minimize how much you go as a family. Some part of you obviously feels that you should try to go more if you're posting on AIBU. You are putting him in a bit of an impossible situation. He is probably trying to balance your feelings as his partner against his desire and his parents’ wish to see his young family more. It is not as though he can drop by to visit them for an afternoon if he misses them. Such a trip needs to be planned in advance and realistically will be for at least one weekend. But it does not need to take 6.5 hours each way. Other posters have offered some sensible ideas about how to shorten that journey time.

A strong, adult relationship is built on mutual respect and compromise. Since you see your parents so often it's obvious he respects that for you. And I'm sure you don't arrange to see yours each time without letting him know about it and also checking in that he is happy to go visit or have them visit you. But with his family, how much choice are you actually giving him in the matter? I think you should just talk to him about it. You definitely don't need to go with him every time. But your kids deserve to see his family as much as they deserve to see yours.

Don't have PILs but parents live about 7-8hr drive away and see them 2-3 times a year for up to a week (they usually travel to us or meet halfway) but they are divorced and remarried that is actually quite a lot of visits. Would love to see them more but we want some holidays as just us and to do the things we enjoy that parents wouldn't like/aren't able to do and then there are other things on on the weekends that the kids want to do or sometimes I have to work a weekend so I struggle to fit it in. I think they still have a good relationship and we do zoom calls etc

I think 2 trips plus them visiting you sounds fine

2 visits to them a year plus them visiting you 4 times is PLENTY! Can’t believe the posters saying you should be travelling 6 hours each way more than twice a year! Also 4/5 nights is a perfect amount of time - a week is painful under anyone else’s roof.

My own family think two trips a year is plenty and that even one would be sufficient (I don't agree with that) but they're also biased and they get to see the kids all the time.

Your parents should butt out. I wonder how they would feel seeing you less than a handful of times a year. Even if you and your DH can’t be bothered seeing his parents, it’s a bit shitty to deprive your kids of a relationship with all GPs while they are here

If it’s your DH’s childhood home then obviously he moved away so he should make the effort to go home rather than making them come to you. You could decide whether you go or not

But this is MN where most posters hate their PILs so you are always going to get a skewed view

My parents are about 220 miles away. We virtually always go by train- sometimes even there and back in a day, or just an overnight stay.

My own family think two trips a year is plenty and that even one would be sufficient

Wow. I missed this nugget of parental selfishness and complete lack of empathy.

My instant reaction to that was "well they would, wouldn't they?"
They should have absolutely no input into this decision. They're clearly enjoying #1 status in the grandparent stakes, and see you making more visits north as a threat. If the tables were turned I suspect that they would be very unhappy with one visit a year.

Where do you get the four times a year from? The OP says two or three.

And the journey is a four hour one, which OP managed to make into 6.5 hours by stopping for a long lunch among other things. She's had lots of advice from those of us who frequently made journeys like that with children, which will make it infinitely easier and quicker. The feeding first and setting off at bedtime thing is obvious, for starters. I think virtually all of us have said that's how we did it.

I have a DC a similar age to your youngest and wouldn’t put them through long journeys more than a couple of times a year. Mainly because she hates her car seats and screams, then the guidance is to take them out and give them a break from the car seats every couple of hours. They can’t shuffle around and get comfortable like we can, and even then I get a numb bum from sitting in the same position for too long!

While DC are young the onus is on visitors to come to you IMO.

I wouldn’t want to stay with anyone for longer than five days at a time, either, and I think two visits a year is not awful. However, I can understand why MIL was upset that you all took a two week holiday at the same time as saying that you couldn’t stay longer because of the limits on annual leave.

i don’t think a few days twice a year is a lot really, and you haven’t even managed that as it’s been 2 years since you went! I’m not surprised MIL was a bit upset you couldn’t manage a week. Can’t you get a train? Or leave early morning/ travel overnight? Have a snack in the car? 6.5 hours to travel 200 miles is about 30 mph! I’d cut down on time spent at stops and travel in less busy times and you should be able to cut that down considerably. Or can’t you have children in with you and PIL stay at your house? You don’t want to spend money on accommodation but they are having to!

@AnniSparkles I think there is a lot of truth in this. DH feels he has to appease me in this matter and I have been calling the shots with regard to how long we stay for and when we go. I know this is not fair and that now we no longer have a tiny baby I will have to suck it up and go more.

My in laws are 150 miles away my own parents 130 miles away. Going to the in-laws takes about 3 hours and we generally do it there and back in a day once every few months, they then come to us every couple
od months either day trip or an overnight. My parents I will generally go during school hols and do and overnight stay, 2 nights max or sometimes we meet in the middle for a day out, they also visit us but just as a day trip As my mum doesn’t like being away from home. We all get on, all pretty close, speak regularly on the phone and I find it to be a nice balance. I wouldn’t want to spend more than a couple of nights in anyone’s house so I think what you are suggesting is more than reasonable

Don't know if anyone else has suggested it but we lived a long way away from my grandparents and my parents used to do the drive at night frequently. My dad would finish work, we'd all have dinner, us kids would get into pjs and dressing gowns and have pillows etc in the back of the car and they'd set off late evening for the drive. We'd sleep most of the way down and be transferred into the house asleep and wake up at my nanna's house. It saved wasting a day travelling too.

Well if it comes to seeing her gc at all she needs to compromise?

Meeting half way in a nice place for a break.
Alternatively op can you make a mini break out of the journey and stop somewhere on the way up and down.

I agree if everyone gets on its good to see them but I strongly dislike ths selfish aspect that it has to be in her house?

My mum lives 250miles away. It would take us about 6 hours with 1 stop (country roads and M6) We last visited in July 2022. She came here in Easter. Its much easier for her to come here on the train by herself than us go down to her.

I'm amazed people have enough annual leave together to allow for several trips a year.

@BungleandGeorge

I think it's quite reasonable that the older generation can be expected to pay rather than the new family with two small dc?

The journey is likely to get so much easier as your children get older. We have a similar length journey to my in laws (300 miles).

"Car bedtimes" help! In pyjamas, same routine of brushing teeth, stories etc, and a blanket and a teddy. Always later than normal bedtime so they're extra tired. Any further nappy changes or potty stops are in the car and they don't get out. It then means we can get a few hours driving straight through or with just one stop.

Daytime stops are at random villages close to the motorway, with picnics eaten squashed up together in the front of the car if the weather's wet. It adds a mini adventure to the journey! We also stop at relatives' houses.

I literally keep a list of songs to sing (many of them nursery rhymes), plus we listen to audio books and music and play games. It's hard work. I have three under five and the youngest is a baby.

We go to visit maybe 6 times a year, Fri-Sun or Sat-Mon, but my PIL are unable to travel to us and don't have energy for longer visits from us. Going so often means the children get used to it and we have a routine going.

With children getting a little more mature each time and us learning how to make it work better, most trips are slightly easier than the previous ones.

Re the car journey, get the dc up, toiet/nappy then put them in the car. Brioche/cereal bar/dry cheerios/yogurt pouch etc and drinks on the way. Should delay the first wee.

The journey will get easier, but not fir a few years as once dc is more reliable with toileting, dc2 will be there!

If you aim for twice a year and pil aim for 4, that's every other month, which is plenty.

Or plan in a halfway weekend stay?

Trick is to leave at 6/7pm. Kids in pjs. And drive while they sleep

Arrive midnight end straight to bed. Assume they transfer ok if not practice it

Swap over you and dh half way so both drive 2/3hrs traffic depending

If go daytime. Stop for a quick wee. Don't go in for food - take simple picnic brioche crisps fruit and eat in the car

Despite what some people think not all pensioners have a final salary pension and living the high life. May be the case for some that they have more disposable income than working adults with kids but definitely not always the case

There is always so much angst about visiting family, especially the in laws, on MN. Not something I have experienced in real life. Most families I know don’t have family near by, joy of moving to London for work, but still see family of both sides on a very regular basis without it feeling like a chore or having to “suck it up”

@Womencanlift.

I fully aware my own df was one it them.
But one can't be demanding like this, she's older and yes active and mobile and still working. Support should go to young family

It's so nice to see someone genuinely reflect, be honest, and recognise that they need to be more considerate. Good for you, and I'm sure that the journeys will get much easier if you take the advice that many old hands at this have given you.

Pre- kids, we did the relaxed journeys with stops for lunch etc. But it just doesn't work in these situations. The evening start and power through was SO much better.