To visit in-laws twice a year

[SheDrivesMeCrazy]

DH and I have two DC aged 4 and 1. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. DH's parents live just over 200 miles away and are self-employed. My own parents are retired, live 40 mins away and see me and DC about once a week, usually during the working day but occasionally at a weekend, in which case DH is there too.

We visited PILs at the end of June for the first time in nearly two years (previous time was just before I was pregnant with DD). We stayed at their house as they have two spare rooms and we couldn't afford to stay at a hotel/Airbnb in any case. We were away for 5 days, 4 nights, with the first and last days mostly spent travelling (6.5 hrs each way thanks to DC's endless toilet stops and protracted meals!) It was the longest stay that we could manage with DH's available annual leave. However, MIL was deeply disappointed that we weren't coming for at least a whole week and kept saying that there wouldn't be time to do half the things she had planned. (It did not please her to learn that we'd booked a two week summer holiday, the first since DD's birth. She felt we ought to be using that time to visit them.) She also said repeatedly that we'd better not leave it another two years before we visit again. We have no intention of doing so. We're not planning to have any more DC, and I hope we will all be in a fit state to make the trip from now on.

PILs generally come to see us two or three times a year, for 1 or 2 nights over a weekend. They usually bring SIL too and they all stay in a hotel as we don't have any space to put them up.

DH gets 30 days of annual leave and DS has just started school. Going forward, I could see us visiting PILs twice a year, in school holidays, for maybe 4 or 5 nights at a time. DH thinks this sounds fair, although he would be happy to go for a few nights longer if I were up for it and if he had enough annual leave.

For me, a week is too long to be under PIL's roof and I know DH would feel the same about spending that much time with my parents. However, I realise that I am very fortunate to live so close to my parents and to be able to see them regularly.

AIBU? How often would you make a trip of this distance to see family and how long would you stay for each time?

We do a similar trip, usually about 4 times a year.
We travel Friday after work, stopping for tea on the way, then come back after lunch on Sunday.
No annual leave needed.

My aunty lives 200 miles away and I see her at least 4 x a year.

For PIL that needs commitment and effort on both sides.

We have similar distances and living arrangements and once dc started school would always make sure we saw them at Christmas (ours or theirs) but otherwise it was Friday & Saturday nights and slightly longer in the Easter & summer holidays. DH goes once or twice on his own and has taken the dc a couple of times. I’d be looking at reducing the time you spend there but try and see them a bit more often but make the most of them being willing and able to travel to you as it’s much harder when they get too old to travel.

6.5hrs for 200 miles is crazy. That's the issue.

Standard if you're going from London to the North by car, unless you go in the middle of the night - then it's all reduced speed limits due to roadworks. I only stop once on the journey but it's not taken me less than 6 hours for more than 10 years.

We lived 190 miles from my in laws. We visited with young kids a few times a year for weekends. Friday to Sunday. They slept in the car going up on Friday after school.

It wasn’t a huge deal. We kept it up till homework got too much, some way into secondary school. Don’t make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Six hours?! On the motorway? It never took us more than 3.5 to 4 hours. Even on the A1. But we were in N London. If you are S then I can imagine that length of journey.

This. Have you tried travelling at sleep time, it’s likely to massively shorten your journey. In my experience, if you set off when the kids have not long woken in the morning, they will want to/need to stop loads and the traffic will be rubbish. Getting them into pyjamas and setting off just before bedtime they will sleep and you’ll only need to stop when needed to give the 1 year old the break they should have from the car seat.

We visited MIL (also 200miles away and south of London) for a weekend, every single month. It bloody nearly killed us both and she still complained that she hardly saw us.
However often you go, it wong be enough. Tell them to come to you or meet halfway at a visitor attraction/country park and gave a picnic.

Won't* 😁

South-ish. It's the bit round Brum and the M6 through Staffs & Cheshire that's bad, especially on Sunday pm

I had similar circumstances and used to go once a year, it was then up to my DH how often he wanted to go.

We had a longish journey to visit family, took around 4 hours if we did not stop and the motorways weren't snarled up. So it was around 5 - 6 hours if we did stop and/or got stuck in traffic.

We often travelled in the late afternoon, I would pick DH up from work about 4 on a Thursday (less traffic than a Friday evening) and we would head straight off, DS already in his PJs. We would stop at some services and have MacDonalds or KFC for our tea (very exciting for DS at that age and no one takes any notice of a child in PJs to be honest) and arrive at the other end around 10 p.m. and whisk a sleeping DS straight up to bed. So we had Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday before we did the same in reverse. DH took one day off work.

Another option was that I would travel myself a few days earlier by train (DS enjoyed the train journey) and DH would follow on a few days later with the bulk of the luggage in the car. I would pop a couple of changes of clothes in a small box and send up by post beforehand and then take maybe one or two more with me - but it had to all fit in one back pack so that I had two hands free- and then just run anything through the washing machine if I needed to before DH arrived.

Your children deserve a relationship with their grandparents which won't happen unless they spend time with them.

Also to be blunt, don't forget that when it comes to making a will your children may benefit financially if they have a good relationship with their grandparents - of course not saying that it's all about that but even a few £k can make a big different to tuiition fees/starting in life. Most people make their last will on average 3- 4 years before death so don't count on the current position being the end position.

I'd say if you don't like it, let your husband go on his own with the children for a few visits in the year.

You don't need to be there all the time and if you don't like them and they don't like you it maybe better for everyone all round.

+1
You need to remember these are not old uni chums or some random great aunty, these are your children's grandparents. Your partner's parents. Some people have family a lot further away than 200 miles and still manage to see them just as much, if not more. We live near Bristol and manage to make it up to Scotland to my parents at least three times a year. They come to stay with us just as much. My friend in the US has over 1000 miles to travel to visit hers on the east coast and manages it monthly.

If you and your partner genuinely wanted to visit them more you can manage it no problem. Trust me, 200 miles is not that far. Leave early to beat the traffic. Set of at 5am and you’ll be there for brunch. Set off straight after school and you’ll arrive long before your own bedtime. Do not indulge the children with any unnecessary stops, make sure you have snacks and things to do if they’re awake and they’ll be fine. I promise you, do not make this trip more of a thing than it is. You could easy manage a few weekends a year plus a couple of longer visits. Once you've done it a few times you'll feel much better about it. Otherwise you’re leaving your in laws no other option but to lay out cash for accommodation each time they want to see their grandchildren for more than a couple of times each year. They will not be able to make that journey at all when they get too old. And sadly they won't be around forever.

6.5 HOURS to drive 200 miles? That's just ridiculous. Come on now.

The issue here is that you haven't been visiting twice a year, in fact this is your first visit in two years.

Twice a year for 5 days is fine - and I'm being hypocritical here because I would absolutely hate being under someone else's roof for that length of time - provided you actually do it.

I'd get your next visit in the diary - any scope for going over festive period to use less of Dh annual leave ? - and try some of the tips like driving in the evening to cut the time a bit.

Lived 350 miles away from parents and pil and we’d visit for 2-3 nights 3-4 times a year, but we would either travel very early or very late with dcs. No stopping unless absolutely essential and it was always under 7 hours

I think a joint holiday somnice half way would be a lovely extra way to get together. Book a big cottage and that way you can all spend some time together and some time separately having a break. The
PILs might be happy to pay if they are used to paying for themselves when they visit you. If it were my son and DIL I'd be happy to do that.

Ah of course. We headed towards Whitby from N London. I think it’s an easier run.

I don't understand why 200 miles takes 6.5 hours.
My own parents lived 360 miles away when our dc were little. We could do that in 7 hours max by picking our travel time carefully.
I think as pp said it might make the journey better to do an early start (pop them straight in the car at 5am pjs on) and stop once for breakfast and a change of clothes.
We used to drive overnight when ours were tiny so they slept and we arrived in time for breakfast then caught up on our sleep whilst the grandparents entertained the dc.
I think the travel is putting you off so try and make that bit easier and go for long weekends with a three hour trip either way.

I can't believe these replies, 4 trips a year and get a part time job to supplement !! I grew up hundreds of miles from my grandparents. As children we saw them twice a year as the journey was too long and expensive, we made wonderful memories that I will cherish forever and we were very close until they died, so those people saying about their relationship are definitely not right.

If you want to do 2 trips for now then that's fine. Maybe when they're older you'll all want to go more, maybe not.

I think if your DH is happy to go for longer or more frequently, let him – at some point with school holidays it just makes sense to do grandparent visits solo while the other stays home. He gets to see his parents for a week, the kids have a relationship with their grandparents, you get a break from childcare.

Travelling twice a year to them and them to you 2-3 times sounds fine, though. That’s every two and a half months? Lots of people see their in-laws less than that. I see my parents about that often — once you factor in them seeing my siblings too, and us having diary clashes, AL issues, things the kids want to do, sometimes it’s impossible to manage more.

How on earth does it take 6.5 hours to drive 200 miles? Are you driving a horse and cart??

Agree