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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To visit in-laws twice a year

117 replies

SheDrivesMeCrazy · 04/10/2023 11:33

DH and I have two DC aged 4 and 1. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. DH's parents live just over 200 miles away and are self-employed. My own parents are retired, live 40 mins away and see me and DC about once a week, usually during the working day but occasionally at a weekend, in which case DH is there too.

We visited PILs at the end of June for the first time in nearly two years (previous time was just before I was pregnant with DD). We stayed at their house as they have two spare rooms and we couldn't afford to stay at a hotel/Airbnb in any case. We were away for 5 days, 4 nights, with the first and last days mostly spent travelling (6.5 hrs each way thanks to DC's endless toilet stops and protracted meals!) It was the longest stay that we could manage with DH's available annual leave. However, MIL was deeply disappointed that we weren't coming for at least a whole week and kept saying that there wouldn't be time to do half the things she had planned. (It did not please her to learn that we'd booked a two week summer holiday, the first since DD's birth. She felt we ought to be using that time to visit them.) She also said repeatedly that we'd better not leave it another two years before we visit again. We have no intention of doing so. We're not planning to have any more DC, and I hope we will all be in a fit state to make the trip from now on.

PILs generally come to see us two or three times a year, for 1 or 2 nights over a weekend. They usually bring SIL too and they all stay in a hotel as we don't have any space to put them up.

DH gets 30 days of annual leave and DS has just started school. Going forward, I could see us visiting PILs twice a year, in school holidays, for maybe 4 or 5 nights at a time. DH thinks this sounds fair, although he would be happy to go for a few nights longer if I were up for it and if he had enough annual leave.

For me, a week is too long to be under PIL's roof and I know DH would feel the same about spending that much time with my parents. However, I realise that I am very fortunate to live so close to my parents and to be able to see them regularly.

AIBU? How often would you make a trip of this distance to see family and how long would you stay for each time?

OP posts:
TheHouseonHauntedHill · 07/10/2023 10:40

@SheDrivesMeCrazy
And one hopes mil will also compromise and meet half way occasionally

Original poster
SheDrivesMeCrazy · 07/10/2023 10:45

saraclara · 07/10/2023 10:23

It's so nice to see someone genuinely reflect, be honest, and recognise that they need to be more considerate. Good for you, and I'm sure that the journeys will get much easier if you take the advice that many old hands at this have given you.

Pre- kids, we did the relaxed journeys with stops for lunch etc. But it just doesn't work in these situations. The evening start and power through was SO much better.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for your kind words. That's given me such a boost. I've never posted on MN before and have found it leaves you feeling quite exposed.

The tip about travelling in the evening is something I'd never even considered before and could make all the difference. (I'd ruled out waking the kids up early to set off at 6am because of the risk of them not going back to sleep again and being cranky!) Travelling when they've had all their meals for the day and would naturally be sleeping makes a lot of sense. I will suggest this to DH for our next trip and see how it goes. If it makes things easier, I would definitely be open to doing it more than twice a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheDrivesMeCrazy · 07/10/2023 10:57

FriedasCarLoad · 07/10/2023 09:40

The journey is likely to get so much easier as your children get older. We have a similar length journey to my in laws (300 miles).

"Car bedtimes" help! In pyjamas, same routine of brushing teeth, stories etc, and a blanket and a teddy. Always later than normal bedtime so they're extra tired. Any further nappy changes or potty stops are in the car and they don't get out. It then means we can get a few hours driving straight through or with just one stop.

Daytime stops are at random villages close to the motorway, with picnics eaten squashed up together in the front of the car if the weather's wet. It adds a mini adventure to the journey! We also stop at relatives' houses.

I literally keep a list of songs to sing (many of them nursery rhymes), plus we listen to audio books and music and play games. It's hard work. I have three under five and the youngest is a baby.

We go to visit maybe 6 times a year, Fri-Sun or Sat-Mon, but my PIL are unable to travel to us and don't have energy for longer visits from us. Going so often means the children get used to it and we have a routine going.

With children getting a little more mature each time and us learning how to make it work better, most trips are slightly easier than the previous ones.

Some really useful tips here, thank you. And I agree that the more we do the journey, the more we'll all get into a routine and it won't seem like such a mission.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheDrivesMeCrazy · 07/10/2023 11:06

@FriedasCarLoad

Wow just re-read your post and picked up on the bit about you having three DC under five. Credit to you all for making that journey as often as you do. It shows that where there's a will, there's a way. I just need to work on the will part haha. No but seriously, this has given me pause for thought.

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/10/2023 11:09

Thank you so much for your kind words. That's given me such a boost. I've never posted on MN before and have found it leaves you feeling quite exposed.

That's so sweet of you! And yes, this place can be a bear pit, and I'm very wary of making OPs for that reason. But I'm glad it's worked out for you.

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 11:11

@SheDrivesMeCrazy I think you must be unique on Mumsnet! So lovely to read you realising that other options are possible. We did something else that might freak you out so put it on the back burner for later! FIL, in particular, adored Christmas and because dp's siblings all lived near, his was the Christmas house. So for several years, our children woke at the crack of dawn, did presents with our tree, then when they started to droop, we loaded them into the car and set off North. There was never any traffic, so we had a fast easy drive and arrived in time for Christmas Lunch and more presents and riots with cousins. It worked so well and made everyone happy. It's something worth thinking about!!

saraclara · 07/10/2023 11:32

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 11:11

@SheDrivesMeCrazy I think you must be unique on Mumsnet! So lovely to read you realising that other options are possible. We did something else that might freak you out so put it on the back burner for later! FIL, in particular, adored Christmas and because dp's siblings all lived near, his was the Christmas house. So for several years, our children woke at the crack of dawn, did presents with our tree, then when they started to droop, we loaded them into the car and set off North. There was never any traffic, so we had a fast easy drive and arrived in time for Christmas Lunch and more presents and riots with cousins. It worked so well and made everyone happy. It's something worth thinking about!!

Ha! We did the same for a few years, though to be fair our journey was only about 2.5 hours. But yes, no traffic, and we arrived in time for lunch and the opportunity for the cousins to all have a good time together with their new toys.

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 11:50

@saraclara I do sometimes wonder whether we are actually the same person...

saraclara · 07/10/2023 11:58

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 11:50

@saraclara I do sometimes wonder whether we are actually the same person...

Ha ha! I've wondered that in the past, too!

Godwindar · 07/10/2023 12:01

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 04/10/2023 11:48

6.5 hours for 200miles seems a lot, and the journey is what makes more frequent shorter trips painful.

is there a train route that may be faster? Or could you drive in the evening just stoping once for a ‘supper’ and to put pjs on then transfer to bed on arrival? So you aren’t stopping so often.

If you need to travel a long distance frequently in the UK you may not realise how long 200 miles of travel can take. I only need to go 90 miles, if I go at a very quiet time, that is 2 hours in the car without stopping. If anything happens on the road network, expect another 1-2 hours to be added. By train, if it can be afforded, door to door might easily be 3 hours if I can use the more expensive direct trains. Again, if you travel by rail in the UK at the moment, you will know that there are frequent delays and last minute cancellations. On my last rail journey of more than 3 hours to go just under 200 miles, there were no staff for the catering cart.

OP, once the kids are older, go up with them once yourself and your DH can go up once. Four days is fine.

Xqyz · 07/10/2023 12:52

I can see how it would take you that long to get there. It's like us going to Birmingham from our house in the NE. A journey I used to often do before kids. I just wouldn't do it with kids to be honest. Anything over a two hour drive we take the train as I find driving very tiring.

With your visits and their visits you're seeing them roughly every other month and I think that's fine.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 07/10/2023 15:12

Godwindar · 07/10/2023 12:01

If you need to travel a long distance frequently in the UK you may not realise how long 200 miles of travel can take. I only need to go 90 miles, if I go at a very quiet time, that is 2 hours in the car without stopping. If anything happens on the road network, expect another 1-2 hours to be added. By train, if it can be afforded, door to door might easily be 3 hours if I can use the more expensive direct trains. Again, if you travel by rail in the UK at the moment, you will know that there are frequent delays and last minute cancellations. On my last rail journey of more than 3 hours to go just under 200 miles, there were no staff for the catering cart.

OP, once the kids are older, go up with them once yourself and your DH can go up once. Four days is fine.

Show quote history

We have family over 300miles away in the UK and visit a few times a year at various points and have done since kids were babies. I know how hard it can be- but regularly taking 6.5hrs suggests it’s more about OPs approach/timing that just unlucky with traffic.

Our journey has taken anything from 5 to 8 hours and I think the long one included a toddler throwing up all over the back seat. The extra long ones aren’t the norm though because we time it well, keep stops quick etc etc

Tiredchicken · 07/10/2023 16:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CurlewKate · 07/10/2023 17:13

If people want to find reasons not to do this journey then they are easy to find. Yes, sometimes things go horribly wrong- it once took me 12 hours to do 40 miles. But I'm not going to factor that into my normal journey planning. We timed our journeys so our children were asleep. We took a picnic. And we went after work on Friday and got back on Sunday night so we didn't use any annual leave. But you have to want to. Personally, although I was kind of indifferent to my ILs, dp and the children loved them. So I was prepared to put myself out a bit to help build a relationship. Children need as many people as possible to love them.

Mum2jenny · 07/10/2023 21:54

I preferred to put the dc in the car around 04:30am when they were still asleep in their pjs and then drive the 350 miles, stopping around the 300 miles as one of my dc got very carsick on this length of journey. They were very good for the first 300 miles,then not so good.

NalafromtheLionKing · 07/10/2023 22:00

Once a decade, by train.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/10/2023 23:06

10 days a year with reciprocal visits sounds perfectly fine to me*. You can't give up every holiday to see in laws/family.

After work on a Friday was when we've done long trips with the kids that age. Dinner at home, into pjs for the car, but of to in the back and then lights out by 8/9 depending on time of year. Lift straight into bed/cots at the other end. They might perk up for 30 mins but since everyone else is either in bed or going there there's no fun to be had and they generally go off again. Roads are generally quieter and while it's a brutal end to the week the adult who does the second half of the drive, gets more of a lie in.

*granted it's more than I see my own parents and siblings.

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